So, I've given up on music and subject. I used to put it into my entries all the time, but I've just given up on it because while I'm thinking about what I want to put in there (because I'm a freak and have to fill in the boxes in order) I lose track of what I was going to say. Not that this little rant is helping me retain what exactly I was going to say in this entry anyway. Oh yeah, now I remember.

So, I don't feel like I am weak. Or should I say I don't feel like my walls are weak. What is a relationship to me? Well in a certain respect it's breaking down the walls that we put up around ourselves to hide those innermost things from each other. As if it were all out there we would be subject to ridicule and rejection by the whole world. For me, it's been my experience that I don't let my walls down until someone else has shown the willingness to do the same for me. What we keep inside those walls is another story (i.e. Sometimes I keep my faith behind those walls, which is not a good thing). Kim and I tore down those walls one brick at a time. I feel like I took mine down quite a bit faster than she did, and that she was reluctant, but let pieces go. When a couple fights, two things can happen. They can harbor resentment and add another brick to the wall, or make up and tear another section down (along with several pieces of furniture in the bedroom). It took four weeks for her to build her wall up high enough to where she could tell me what she wanted. To be the person outside of the wall again, to not let me see the one inside. And after all this, after what she did, I rebuilt my wall with lightining speed. Well, when you do things quickly, there tends to be some sloppy workmanship. The wall between us was once partially down, but now we've both done things that have strengthened it. I found a hole when I called her that morning. But she did a good job of taking the mortar and filling it. She did it without hurting any other part of the wall that is between us. Perhaps I thought that the hole could grow, as could our friendship. Once you see the other side, you can never forget it, no matter how high the wall, how thick the wall. you can only stand on your side and do a few things. Either try to tear it down from your side, which is exhausting and never works, or just let the wall be, continue walking and hope that one day you hear the person on the other side asking you to help her tear it down.

Well that certainly was depressing. I have not quite decided how to act, other than the premise that I still care, I still love. Mr. Smith asked me yesterday how I was taking things. I told him that things have been hard. And they have. The past few days have been hard. The best moods that I have been all week have been in the afternoon. When I have seen how sad Crissy has been. All I have wanted to do was to cheer her up. Before that I needed cheering. He said I was hard to read and I guess it's okay that way. I play a role sometimes. Just like I do with my family. I'm just to damned smart to believe what I believe. I can't have faith in a higher being and be logical and thoughtful at the same time. It's a dichotomy to them. I know most people consider themselves Christians, but at what point. I think it's when someone asks you what is the most important thing in your life, what is #1. All the time it should be God. That's why I would complete make an ass out myself if I was to try to date someone who didn't share my beliefs. Because they could not comprehend the fact that they will never be #1 in my life. Well this is dragging on and I am going to go watch this incredibly awesome documentary in Spanish on the Chilean military coup in 1970. I know, I'm a freak. Get over it.

Kiss My Ass