upchuck
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2005 18 January :: 1.37pm
Why is it that so many people have so many problems? There are so many nasty things to get involved in. I just feel like us humans aren't much different than a herd of buffalo, except dumber. We start to stampede, running, who knows where. Then we reach a cliff and most of us just keep running and end up falling off that cliff. No matter what it might be, drugs, alcohol, sex, we just keep running, like it's all going to be okay. But the rest of us, the few that don't fall over the edge, we are the smarter ones. The ones that said, "No we will not let ourselves die mindlessly." We would rather face our fears and our insecurities than running from them and destroying ourselves in the process.
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upchuck
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2005 17 January :: 12.31am
When you find something out that has already happened, why do you always think of a way to make up for it now?
So I found somethings out tonight. Things that border on the edge of me losing this precious balance of contentment that I hold. Things that would actually cause me to cry myself to sleep.
I don't know if they don't understand this about me, or that I'm just part of a bigger world which tells them the way I feel is not possible. When I tell someone that I love them I mean that.
My love knows no bounds, and it's not conditional. That's why I fought it for so long the first time. Because of what I knew it would mean. But they don't understand. They don't understand the depth, the connection. There is very little that I wouldn't do for either of them if they asked. These tears sting.
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danibean
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2005 13 January :: 9.55pm
:: Mood: discontent
so this is a public appoligy to james golden and anyone who was offended by the comments left to his journal. apparently, my journal was hacked into or someone knows my password and left those comments on your journal, james. i don't know who it was, and i really don't care. i'd like to say i'm sorry for whoever did that because they totally suck. i would never want to say anything to hurt your feelings. just as you said, you have never done anything to me so why would i do such a thing? i actually didn't even know that this was going on until liz artecki told me in 5th hour that i should check it out. i was almost to tears when i read what someone had wrote under my name. anyways, i wish this never happened. i'm just glad i caught it in time to do something about it. again, i'm so sorry this happened and i'm going to get my password changed so hopefully this will never happen again.
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danibean
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2005 10 January :: 2.14pm
:: Mood: bouncy
at school
so mr. robuck never showed up today for class. i don't blame him though. i didn't show up either. but i always skip the middle school. ha! oh well. now i'm just sitting around chatting with jacque and writing. WOO!! i got a part in the musical! i'm so happy. i'm the mother. i have a name this time...haha... Mrs. Lottie Child. how cute. she's a bitch though. my character lives and new york and i'm rich too. sounds fun huh? i had such an awesome weekend. sara (my cousin) and her friend jen came over and so did jenna. we had a dance party at 4 am and didn't go to bed til 5:30. that's the latest i've stayed up in a long time. it was such a BLAST!! WOO! PARTY! so i have musical practice this week and i get to babysit for mr. carr on wednesday. i love his kids to death. they are the BEST!!!!!!! and sooooooooooooo cute!! anyways....things are going great!!! lots of love! :)
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upchuck
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2005 10 January :: 11.28am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "Do You Fell Like We Do?" Peter Frampton
The New Year, New School
Well I just got out of my softball coaching theory class. It seems like it will be pretty easy. There are only like 8 guys and 20 girls though. That's to be expected. I feel like I have an advantage because I've learned so much already. He talked about throwing technique and knowing the rules. Well, I'm a rules expert and we've only been focusing on throwing technique for the last three years, so I think I will be in pretty good shape.
On another note, I'm glad to be getting back to school. Finally I have something else to think about besides the largely depressingly insane, hate filled foggy haze I've been ever since I found out that she was seeing someone else. I'm also looking forward to it because I'm tired of being propositioned by girls that, yes, if I were desparate I would do something about, but I'm not that desparate, yet.
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upchuck
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2005 5 January :: 10.33am
It was feeling that was there so long ago. The things I'm feeling now are the things that I was feeling before. Entrapment. I want to run away to get away so bad. I want her to be able to talk to me like a civil human being and I don't want to be mad at her any more. But there is nothing I can do about that. I wish we could forget the whole thing and just be friends, but we can't. I can't even give in to call her. I won't because of my pride. And my pride was genuinely hurt. That's why I hope this Saturday that things will change. That I will have a great night and I will be in a mood to go for something I've never been brave enough to do before.
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upchuck
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2004 16 December :: 12.29pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Theme from "Hey Dude": Do you remember that show from Nickelodeon?
People
I think it's a breaking point. It's a point that comes in life where you can either give in to life and let life win, or you can fight back. I look in my life for people that haven't let life take them over. Or at least people who have the potential. People who I think will be something more than what life says they are. I can't think of too many people at work who will ever overcome where they are at. One person I do consider like that is Dustin. No matter what happens in life he is not going to let it get to him. See, I thought Shari was like that. I thought that she could be something more, something so much more. That is why it is so frustrating to think about her now. Yes, she may be happy, but she could be so much more. That is why it is disapointing for me to think about Jessa. Yeah, she's happy, and I'm happy for her, but I thought she could be something more than what she is at this point. Life (marriage and children) have gotten to her. Not that it's a bad thing, and knowing her, she's going to go after it, I know she will. Then that brings me to Kim. Someone who is so much smarter than me, someone who I see so much in, that's why it frustrates me.
Today I began to wonder if I was one of those people. I'm beginning to doubt that I am one of those special people. Yeah, I know a lot. I'm somewhat smart, but not as intelligent as some people. I'm average. My job doesn't really give me great satisfaction. I keep making small mistakes, but I feel as if I shouldn't be making any. I was out to dinner with my parents on Firday night and they talked to some people that they knew and those people talked about where their kids were going to college. How their daughter was getting ready to go to Harvard Law and their son was in Florida at some top aeronautics school. Also how they were paying for their kids to go to school. My dad was just kind of looking at me and he said, "it must be nice." There was this tone of disappointment in his voice. I couldn't figure out where it was directed. If it was directed at me because I have to balance work and my grades suffer, because I wasn't good enough to go those places, or if he was disappointed in himself that he couldn't do that for me. Maybe I'm not one of those people anymore. Maybe I've let life get on top of me. Maybe I've let life break me too.
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danibean
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2004 15 December :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: bless the broken road-rascal flatts
HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa
wow....good things at school are happening. i love that i don't care what people think. it's such a hoot. hahaha....the play was awesome....i'm so glad i did it and made so many amazing friends!! you guys rock my socks off :) ummmmm......wow it's been a long time...so i'm going to CMU for sure now...i got accepted and scholarships and all that jazz. woot! well, i never post anymore...sorry...heh...but have a great Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate. LOVE YOU GUYS! bye bye ybe ybe byebyeyeybeyebybe
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upchuck
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2004 9 December :: 9.18pm
:: Mood: I'm Done
:: Music: "Nothing Lasts Forever"
I'm Done
I'm done. I am just plain done. I am done with all of it. I am done with my professor being a bitch and giving me a 79 on a very good paper. I am done with the entire situation. In a week I will be done with the semester. I'm just done. And I'm done with her. I don't know what else to do. I wake up in the morning and I think about her and I think about ways to improve the situation. But then all I can say is that I am done. I'm not sure things will ever be the same. I'm done.
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Upchuck
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2004 3 December :: 1.58am
Okay Andy, how does this sound:
Saturday December 4
SKELLETONES
Cold Plymouth, Midnight Radio, I Must Have, Vigilantes.
That's all I've got so far. $3 cover.
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upchuck
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2004 1 December :: 10.37pm
Andy's list of facts have clued me into one important thing about guys like us. Our innoncence is not of our own choosing. If we had a choice, we would most likely wish to be engaged in all levels of debauchery. But some how, some where inside of us is this innate need to be the way we are. And it is annoying as all hell.
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upchuck
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2004 30 November :: 5.14pm
So, now I have this over arching sense that everything is going to be alright. Am I still pissed off? Well, yeah. But it's inside now and not such an issue. Everytime I think about it I don't want to cry. So I guess that's good. Whether she comes back to me or not is something I've thought about, but I really shouldn't. Only time will tell, and that is her perogative. Like I said, I'm still pissed off, but at least I know now that everything will be okay.
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2004 29 November :: 7.57pm
The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. She made me the way she doesn't want me to be now. She made me that way. Did I go to church before her? No. I was ready to do just about anything before she came along. And then she came along and encouraged me to be the way I am. And now she says she doesn't want that. Or rather that I can't be in that part of her life because I'm not that kind of person. She doesn't realize that I hate this part of me. I hate the part of me that is scared to ever do anything. To be honest, I can't understand why people do. perfectly normal people talk about it all the time and it doesn't seem to effect them. Why can't I be like that? Why am I internalizing this? I don't know. It's because that is what i do. I have to get this out before I start writing because it really sucks that I feel this way. I still don't know if I could ever take her back after what she said. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
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upchuck
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2004 28 November :: 11.15pm
:: Mood: crying
:: Music: "Tuesday's Gone" Lynyrd Skynyrd
ugh
So, I guess it all did matter, except for the fact that she loved me. Oh how I wished that that were enough. But it wasn't. It wasn't enough for her. Five months, let's pull the handle, flush, there it goes. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that her life turns on a dime like that. I hate that she's classified me in her life like she's somehow superior that she can do that. I hate it. I hugged her and I started crying like I'm crying now. It wasn't enough for her. It's never going to be enough for her.
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upchuck
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2004 16 November :: 4.54pm
:: Mood: horny
:: Music: "Hasta Nagila" (I hope I spelled that right)
Does the rules of the Computer Lab not state "NO CELLPHONES"?
Stupid people.
I reviewed my entries from this time last year, go ahead, look at them. Do the survey. Please!!!!! I am naked!!!!!! No, not really. Not that you'd look anyway.
Look, I'm coming up on that time last year when I fell for her hard. I'm glad I did. I'm glad we have what we have now. Despite the fact that I am turning my head. Despite the fact that I have seen her a whole total sum of 3 hours in the last three weeks. Despite my all encompassing desire to know her. Despite my efforts and my best laid plans (no pun intended). I still love her. The thought of that, for some reason makes me want to cry, it also won't let me type right. Are we better people for this? I'm not sure sometimes, but let's hope so.
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