My good idea
Tom is ok, hes had his evaluation, they said he needs some looking after but hes deided that hes stronger than he thought. Im glad. He sent me an email to basicly say goodbye and it had me in tears, proberbly cause i was having a bit of a spaz about damian at the time but it upset me.
Anyway my good idea, to make tom happy, im putting together a scrap book of stuff, photots drawings and notes from all the people hes loves, just to remind him that he has them incase he ever feels bad again. Its really cool.
Last night was horrible. I cried myself to sleep. Actualy fuck writing about it ill just cry again. Ill just say that i miss him and that i wish i could change myself to make it happen.

*explode*
Im seriously thinking about moving out. Its getting worse here. I dont care where i just want to move and leave everyone behind. Fuck college, fuck uni, i cant be arsed anymore.
I was looking at flats in leeds and jobs in leeds, theres a 'new development' in process ready for the end of summer. Theyre resonably priced and look quite nice (well from the pics). I could afford it on this job i found, training in marketing and advertising.
Im gonna think about it more first though. But i fucking hate it here at the moment.

My friends
Just been sat in the bath contemplating, thinking about stuffs and i got to thinking about my little group of friends. Me, jam, stacie, tom and wife. Its just occured to me that for the first time ever i have these people around me who i feel so comfortable around, can talk to about anything and i completely trust every one of them. Thats so odd, i actualy trust them properly, normaly it takes aaggges for me to trust people.
For example, today i took the day off college as i had the dream again and was in the foulest mood ever. Stacie (and mart) came round at lunch to see if i was ok and to cheer me up. And what i was really astounded at was tom, a couple of hours ago i got myself all sad and stuff to do with dreams and family and boys. I dont know how he could tell, but he just said 'youre not ok. whats wrong?' and i was like '... wha?' no one has ever twigged me that fast before. But anyway i told him everything, even the jason stuff (like everything, even the stuff that no one knows and the family stuff) and he said all the right things and made me all better and i asked him not to tell anyone and i actualy trust that he wont. Woah.
Emma is the most sensible person i know, stacie is as stong as an ox, i share all the same intrests with jam and tom can read my mind. and theyre all so fun. I love this.
this is what i might have to give up. But its for my Damian.
GAH, i dont know what to do

I hate people too much for college today.
I woke up in a foul mood and so stayed the fuck in bed.
I got a call from tom asking 'wheres my fiance?!', heh that made me happyful again, but i still dont wana go to college. Martin and stace and possibly husband are coming round to cheer me up in abit, they'll help me figure out what to do.
Im talking to mike at the moment about everything. He wants to come and see me tomorow. So ima let him, he allways put my head straight.

I was talking to tom last night.
[23:03:14] I Love This : erm... im not but u might wanna say bye if i dont come outa the tests passed cos il be gone for longer than u think
[23:03:25] I Love This : like years
[23:03:34] I Love This : or the resta my life
[23:03:41] I Love This : depending on me mind
[23:04:24] I Love This : an nona u guys will c me
[23:04:26] I Love This : again
[23:04:41] I Love This : but if im not stable then thats it
[23:06:57] =^.^= *rawr*: fuck.
[23:07:25] I Love This : so i might not be here long cos i minght have to disappear
[23:07:34] I Love This : permanently an stuff
[23:09:21] I Love This : but if sally wanted to mess with me i think diagnosed insane is abouyt as good as it gets
[23:13:51] =^.^= *rawr*: fucking hell. i hope you pass. =( fucking hell.
[23:14:24] I Love This : me too, but im insanely calm
[23:14:35] I Love This : didnt know i was this fucked did u? heh
[23:14:54] =^.^= *rawr*: nope.
[23:16:02] I Love This : u think im odd?
Hes really not ok. I knew he was fucked up from the whole sally thing but, fucking hell. Hes booked in for a full mental evaluation. No one knows yet, only me. (damian, please do not say anything to anyone). I really hope hes ok, hes amazing and doesnt deserve this stuff.
FUCKING HELL!! mikes aunts just died, like a second ago, hes upset, gonna ring me in abit.
urgh, i hate this.

Marvelous.
I was sooo happy like an hour ago. I got home and damian was on line i thought 'yey i get to talk to damian and stuff'. But he got all pissed off at me and said "enjoy your life babes cos it is gonna clearly be better with out me!!!" and then went of line.
What the fucking hell. Thats either a result of him just not listening and not even trying to make an effort to understand or hes just tryin to upset me, to make me feel guilty for calling it off.
ARGH FUCK! Ive only been home long enough to eat me dinner and im already in tears, best ever finish to the best ever weekend.
I feel like shit.

This week sucks ass
Me and Damian finished. I was gonna go and see him today but i got really ill (cramps hurt so bad i threw up) and needed to go home. My phone ran out of battery. All this made damian all paranoid.
I love him soo much, i wanna be with him to look after him and make sure hes ok and safe. But i cant. I cant have fun with my friends with out him feeling paranoid (and thus fucking his head up) and me ending up on ahuge giult trip. i need a life and my own identity, i lost that once before, i dont wanna lose it again.
He cant get sorted while im around, especialy if im the one fucking his head up in the first place. I love him so much. I just want him to be ok and have a wonderful life where he doesnt have to be paranoid and can just flow. He needs to find himself, and be comfortable. but im not what he needs to do that, i with with all my heart that i was but im not.
Ill miss him, i wish there was a way i could be friends with him but i get the impresion that he doesnt want that.
My hand is so fucked up, two of the knucles have moved. I cant write. So im fucked for my exam tomorow.

Owie =(
Gah, i went a bit insane last night due to uber annoyance and punched walls quite hard lots and lots. It hurts like fuck now though, its all swollen and purple and ow. Ah well.
I stayed up till half eleven to speak to mike and tell him. He just said 'oh... right' and went off line.
Hurt like fuck. havent heard anything from him since, not that we have any form of contact, but he could have emailed.
Anyway i was sat with jam and tom discussing whitby. SOOOOO excited! The wife is coming now too! Were going down on friday and staying till saturday night woo

This seriosly sucks and i fucking hate it.
I just rang damian, he told me i wasnt allowed to see mike anymore. Fucking fantastic. Im still allowed to talk to him though, but with him never being able to get on the internet before 11 and neither of us having acces to the phone, basicly im not gonna be able to even do that. Yeah so in short im gonna hate this untill he sorts his head out. I truthfully cant see that happening anytime soon anyway. Im so fucking pissed off!! ARGH i should go and hit the wall or something. Of the whole relationship and all the things hes done, this is the only thing thats pissed me off to the point that i wanted to scream at him and hang up. *punch punch*
Anyway enough of my bitching, or ill go on for ages again. So im off to whitby goth fest! ^_^ toms gonna pay everything for me too! he asked if i was going and i said i blodey wish i was but ive got noooo money and then he offred to pay for me a ticket, a ride down and he offred to pay for a room in the hotel theyre staying in with stace but damian proberbly wouldnt let me go then which is a shame cause i soooooooooo want to. WWOOOT i love tom!!
In other news, fuck leeds im off to northumbria.

Ack.
This weekend, gah.
I dont believe damian told someone, he justifed it by saying 'its only frog' and 'but i tell frog everything', what he completely missed is that frog was one of the people she esp didnt want to know untill she'd talked to because she values him lots, i thought he would have got that. I made him promise and everything, and he just completely disregarded it. However pissed off about this i was i would have let it go and been able to forget about it because, and i know how shit this sounds, i trust frog(who i hardly know) to keep it to himself more than i do damian.
But i cant forget about it because damian said to lucy, 'oh by the way i know'. And he said this knowing that she had told 3 people (inc the dad and a member of her family), and knowing that shed told me in confidence but again he disregarded it. After he'd promised me.
I knew i shouldnt have let him know, but to do that would mean making sure he couldnt read it in here, which he wouldnt like because of his whole issues thingy, and he would find out that i'd set the post to private one way or another, which would set him off one one. GAH! I hate this, because i know for definate now that i shouldnt trust him with stuff like this, my stuff or others.
On saturday we followed drunken dave to the acklam. Damian got drunk, very drunk which annoyed the fuck out of me first because he was acting like a mong second because of all the bull shit about only drinking on fridays and not smoking blow anymore and the fact he lied to me on the phone saying he wasnt drinking when he was upstars in the acklam when he was, according to dan, even damian said he did without realising it, i really shouldnt give a shit but for some reson i do. proberbly becase i was starting to actualy believe it, the dickhead that i am. I hate him when hes drunk.
But anyway, hes all blah about my friendship with mike. If he meets him, he wont like him and will lamp him which means ill kill him, if he doesnt meet him he'll spend his time being paranoid. So hes thinking the only way out is askig me to choose, and ive told him that he would win, but that leaves me losing a very good friend, choosing my boyfriend over my friends (which no one should ever do something that even damian says) and having that hanging over me the whole rest of the realtionship. He said 'you do still fancy him afterall' doesnt he get that i chose him over mike.
Another thing he said 'the only times we ever argue is because of something youve done' which is completely true, i fucking hate it. Im such a fucking useless dick head, im fucking him up again.
I pissed him off too, mike texted asking about how the court thing went, meaning the thing with damians dad, damian read it befroe I could even get to my phone (I really feel like kicking off like fuck everytime he does that but I wont) and he brought it up druring the whole discussion, he said that he didnt like the fact that I talked about it with mike, I didnt know he didnt want me to talk about him to mike, he never said anythig about not mentioning it. Ive heard him talk about it in a public forum before, openly. Why didnt he say anything? Not that he has a right to bitch after he went and told frog something that he promised not to. (yish that was bitchy and low i know but its true). Anyway enough of that, time to bitch about other things.
Ive been feeling weird lately, i dont feel comfortable anywhere anymore. At home everyone seems to be pissed off at me for one reson or another, mainly the phone bill at the moment, i got informed today that i wont be getting any money untill ive paid it all off. And have just been told by dad to put the fire off because 'your mams really worries about money now, shes having sleepless night because of you and that fucking phone bill' I cant feel comfortable at college because of work load, exams, deadlines you name it. I cant feel comfortable at damians now becase of this stuff. I even go aywhere else because of money/lack of or without thiking damian wouldnt like this (eg going to martins which is the only place i can really go with no money).
Bastard eh? Oh well fucking get on with it dick head.

Lucys BIG news.
[19:37:27] (F)Nobody on: thought id inform u cos i consider u a really close friend
[19:30:01] (F)Nobody on: but shhhhhhhh dont tell anyone
[19:30:15] (F)Nobody on: im pregnant
... woah. Shes so happy about it. She hasnt told many people, but the right people know and have accepted it as a possitive thing. Due for the end of december begining of january.
Its stunned me. I might even use the words 'mind blowing'. Theres a lil baby inside one of by best friends. Woah.
She realises its going to be a huge struggle and its never going to be easy, but she has loads of people around her who'll help her out, me included. Her family seem marvelous too. She can handle it. Its so weird i cant get my head around it.
Im completely in awe of lucy at the moment, i got thinking what my reaction would be if i got pregnant, it'd involve alot of kicking and screaming and tears.
I love lucy sooo much.
(damain: when you read this, please dont tell anyone or i shall have a nice new pair of bollock shaped earrings. )

Well, shopping makes me die.
Im at uncles davids at the moment. Everyones getting ummm. Yeah drunk. Heh bastard eh?
Gah, wisdom teeth are fucking killing me, i dont think theres enough room in my mouth for them they too big and fat >.< its made the whole bottom set of teeth hurt, bastards. Only had tooth ache once before =(
Anyways enough of my winging, shopping was ok. Despite the lack of stuff that i wanted to buy. Got them vans I wanted though waayy! Mam and me are going down to whitby to see if they have anything more prettyer there, and mayhaps some falls.
CHEER UP YOU MISSERABLE COW!! Im in a rut of cant be cheerful again. I hate me when im like this (more than usual anyway heh).
humm mayhaps i shold make me some clothes with a sewing machine and such like. oooh. *brain wave*
*skips off to find stuff*

murp
Yey i saw damian yesterday, ahh, it made me smile lots. He seems to have that effect on me ^_^

*twitch*mnnyahaha*twitch*
I have too much energy. Ive gone from being a moody mong head that thinks everything should fuck off and die and stuff to having too much energy that only seems to be coming out as giggles and random *murp* noises.
Im cooking tea tonight, roast chicken, roast potatoes and brocolli and peas and carrots ^_^ Yumsticks.
Happy birthday mikeings. Sent him a text calling him an old coot heh. Dont believe the bugger complained that his b/day money was in cheque form o.0 am i missing something or does it make no differance.
Ellen and andre are having a silly day too.
Im gonna go see my boyfriend tomorow ^_^ im all exited heheh.
I think im turning nocturnal. Bad stuff

Told you 'id feel differant in the morning.
gah, im a shit head.
Damian moving back to boro, hoping this will make things easyer.
Still feeling crap.
Bored as plopings.
Ellen is dumb. Dumb like a butt.