tails
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2006 30 June :: 2.00am
:: Music: snow patrol
sex lies, and video tapes stream.
Tired of dreaming.
But too tired to wake.
its getting real fucking old...
4 I love you |
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 29 June :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: embarrassed
Going over to my grandparent's house always makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty because I never go and see them, and when I do I realize I should have instead of doing everything else I have been doing lately. I still encounter that 'perfection' thing, but I'm trying not to let that get to me. You know, the whole 'I have to be just like they want me to be, or else they won't want me anymore'.
My biggest fear in life is of confrontation that ends in abandonment.
I know they are all going to die pretty soon, and I'm going away, away to college. I'm going to miss the little they have left. At least, I always feel that way.
To all those who don't know, the admissions office at GVSU doesn't like me and wouldn't take me (even though i was accepted into their music program, their school, and I graduated sixth in my class with a fucking 3.96 gpa), so now I am going to CMU. My orientation day is July 21.
I'm not a little child anymore, but I still feel like I need to behave like one sometimes...ask permission, don't talk to strangers, eat my vegetables, and the like.
3 I love you |
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 27 June :: 10.51am
:: Mood: awake
I dream of...
glow worms
rockstars
candy buttons
fancy cars
melodies
vibrant skies
starry nights
pecan pies
total darkness
extreme light
frigid waters
my lonely fight
sorrowful mothers
holding hands
perfect kisses
marching bands
moving music
shadows of night
green tall grass
famine and blight
beautiful sorrow
dramatic scenes
exquisite jewels
Alien Beings
Perfect ends
being close
never ending
Him the most
michelle
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 26 June :: 7.43pm
I've missed so many things already.
I don't have time for this, I don't have time, don't have time, don't have time.
There are children laughing outside. Is it wrong to want to shoot them?
5 I love you |
In a phrase to cut these lips
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miniredhawk
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2006 26 June :: 4.38am
I'm moving to Rockford after the first of the year. Awesome.
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 25 June :: 10.44am
:: Mood: contemplative
Going camping the best break from here I could have had.
It was so wonderful and smokey smelling. And I think I came out unscathed, except for, perhaps, a small bug bite that is developing on my right foot. It's itchy.
I don't regret anything I have done. If I regret it, it's like exiling a part of me. Everything I have done is always going to be apart of me, whether I like it or not. We all have room for mistakes, and some fill that room sooner or more closely than others. But you only fill that room when you feel like something is a mistake. The door to my room hasn't been open in a while, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'm not talking about petty mistakes, either. I'm talking about huge life changing, crying for days mistakes. I use to think everything was a mistake, that I was a mistake. I'm not sure exactly where I belong, but I know I'm not a mistake anymore, and whatever I do, and whereever I go, whoever I meet, I will be lucky to be there and do that, and talk to them, and see them, because I'm here, and by some will I can, and so I shall.
I suppose a lot of that does not make much sense to anyone but me. That's fine. You never understand sex in a trashy romance novel until you actually have sex. You just can't understand some things until you feel them, and even then, you still may not be certain of them exactly. Perhaps we find solace only in the end. Perhaps we never find solace. And that's okay with me.
"She told me son, fear is in the heart of love, so I never went back..."
lushness?
michelle
3 I love you |
In a phrase to cut these lips
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runningfreak
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2006 24 June :: 11.09pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: What a Beautiful Mess--Diamond Rio
I can see... in more ways than one...
I went and got my eyes checked finally. And the conclusion is that they are much worse than they were the last time they were checked. But what can I do. Its in the family to have bad eye sight and I guess I will just have to live with it. But now I can see ever so clearly with my BRAND NEW ULTRA POWER SUPER STRONG PRESCRIBED CONTACTS, that for some reason or another make my left eye twitch at complete random and let me tell you what it gets rather annoying after awhile. I will get a pair of glasses before too long as well. I can't wait for those cause sometimes my eyes need a break from having things in them all the time.
Sunday is my only day off and then I work at the barn for six freakin days. Only lucky me I babysit Tuesday and Wednesday in Sparta at 11:30 so which means that I have to get to the barn super early. Then on Thursday I do my work at the barn and then drive to Carson City to clean yet another barn, in hopes that I pay of the vaccinations for the horses. So that sums up next week, and I am game for plans but let me know ahead of time so I can sleep the night before.
I think I finally know what I want. I just hope that the feeling is coming from the other direction as well.
1 I love you |
In a phrase to cut these lips
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runningfreak
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2006 23 June :: 12.40pm
:: Mood: Thinking
Maybe....
I think I know what I want now but I can never be too sure of anything.
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 19 June :: 9.06am
:: Mood: distressed
It's unbearably humid. And it's only nine in the morning.
Working again today. I am looking forward to Tuesday and then to camping. I need to get away for a while, and hopefully that will give me what I need.
There's always an exception to the rule,
Always a better choice,
Always a better soul somewhere,
Always a louder voice.
What makes us think we can change our worlds?
What makes us even try?
Somewhere, sometime, we think we are that better one,
We think the world we will defy.
But that is not so,
so often our words are lost,
So helpless, so frail, so terminal,
life cannot be infused in a coffin of dust.
michelle
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 16 June :: 7.52am
Last night I looked into the sky and saw only how lonely we all are.
I keep trying, but I don't know for how long. I'm running out of steam.
michelle
2 I love you |
In a phrase to cut these lips
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