Can you practice what you preach?

:: 2006 19 June :: 9.06am
:: Mood: distressed

It's unbearably humid. And it's only nine in the morning.

Working again today. I am looking forward to Tuesday and then to camping. I need to get away for a while, and hopefully that will give me what I need.

There's always an exception to the rule,
Always a better choice,
Always a better soul somewhere,
Always a louder voice.

What makes us think we can change our worlds?
What makes us even try?
Somewhere, sometime, we think we are that better one,
We think the world we will defy.

But that is not so,
so often our words are lost,
So helpless, so frail, so terminal,
life cannot be infused in a coffin of dust.

michelle

2 found the love | Where is the love?

:: 2006 16 June :: 7.52am

Last night I looked into the sky and saw only how lonely we all are.

I keep trying, but I don't know for how long. I'm running out of steam.

michelle

1 found the love | Where is the love?

:: 2006 13 June :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: distressed

The other morning I read a horribly depressing novella. It's call As We Are Now by Mary Sarton.

It's about an older lady who is a retired teacher, who never married, and is put into a nursing home run by two uncapable, corrupt, and inhumane women.

The woman, Caroline, slowly starts to lose her hope of ever returning to a normal life. She is constantly emotionally battered and humiliated. She becomes childlike in the way others treat her, and in the way she becomes frustrated with simple things.

Eventually she can stand her life any longer. She asks a friend to bring her lighter fluid every so often. Eventually she sets fire to the nursing home, and presumeably kills everyone inside: herself, the ameoba like dirty old men downstairs and the two women she hates.

I don't want to be like that when I'm older. I don't want to revert back to a childlike state. I don't want to know my life is almost over.

I do understand the frustration, the need to escape. However, the degenerate course of her mental state throughout the novel, slight, but noticeable, make her commit an act that she would have deemed unnatural a few months earlier. Desperate situations drive people to desperate acts. The old and incaplable are left to their own devices.

I know I keep rambling on, but the novel touched me in a way I will not realize for many years. I will probably not even remember it (the novel itself), however, I will always remember how vividly the author constructed a picture of Caroline's degeneration, and the thought I must never end up that way: alone and desperate.

I've been working a lot lately. I have fourty hours this week; a sizeable check. The future is starting to look shading and every time I do it I feel I am one step closer to fucking up my life. However, the boredom and drudgery of every day life always counter acts that feeling ( not the best choice, either, but what the hell...).

Am I falling into the cycle that other before me have? I'm at a jumping off point right now. I could choose to work at Meijer the rest of my life (oh, i know, a promising vocational choice...), become a begrudged, senile member of the working class, get married, stretch out my vagina and other organs numerous times by having children, watch them grow up not having everything they want (i wouldn't give them everything they wanted, even if I could, however), worry about debt, and how I will stay sane, and hopefully make it through all that just to retire with a broken down body and a mind lacking the refreshing breeze of valueable knowledge and thought.

Or I could go to school.

Choices, Choices...

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. ~Flora Whittemore

-michelle

:: 2006 6 June :: 10.45am

So this is how it rolls: List ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'.

1. You make him SO happy, You'll like what he gives you.
2. I want to do it again.
3. I hope to god it will all work out.
4. Thank you for your insight.
5. I want you to always be here, but I doubt you will be. I will miss you more than anything in the world.
6. You don't know you're gay.
7. I think it's cute that you don't know what you're doing.
8. Your ackwardness is what makes you wanted.
9. You need to get over yourself.
10. I love you, pips.

:: 2006 6 June :: 10.34am
:: Mood: confused

So my life's focus is working now. You don't know how much that sucks.

I don't want to waste my life, but it's so tempting.

I'm reading Girl Interrupted. I started about an hour and a half ago when I woke up and I'm almost done with it. It reminds me so much of so many things I thought I was the only one who thought them.

I have trouble with that, putting what I think into words. I just can't describe some of the thoughts that go through my head. They are so painfully abstract.

I'm not quite sure exactly what is going on anymore, but I guess I never really quite did in the first place. I'm on the painful edge of being an adult, but still living at home with the same rules I had when I was twelve. I defineately do not do the same things I did when I was twelve.

I'm ready to go, but I'm obligated to stay. This debate will last a lifetime.

:: 2006 2 June :: 9.29pm

"I want what is yours, and I want what is mine"

It's like putting the kool aid into the pitcher and watching the water turn a lovely shade of translucent red.

It all dissolves into a homologous mixture, each part containing equal parts of the solution.

Except, it's never really that perfect. It's all very unequal upon closer inspection.

A closer inspection reveals what you may have never known as the fruity, sugary goodness flows down your throat.

:: 2006 31 May :: 3.49pm

You send me off,
With wishes of
Good Health and Good times.

Forget-me-nots line the road,
and i'm not suppose to
look back, but i do.

It's not your fault
But my very own
Don't look back and see me here.

I am stagnant,
in a pool
of my own blood and tears.

3 found the love | Where is the love?

Tails

:: 2006 31 May :: 3.09am
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: The Dresden Dolls - First Orgasm

Little bits And pieces of clouds.
Its been raining all day. on and off. then steady. now its raining.

I fucking love the rain it allows you to stop and think.
i went to the park alone and sat (not morely) a cop came up behind me and asked what i was doing out here.

Me: "trying to clear my head"
Cop: "troubling isnt it?"
Me: "yes it really is, especially when you cant decided on whats worth leaving and whats worthing taking"
Cop: "maybe i should just take your I.D. run it and let you sit"
Me: "that would be nice"
Cop: "ill be back"

(She runs my I.D. and all is well)

Me:"Thank you officer, Have a good night"
Cop: " you too matt, and remember something for me."
Me: "yes?"
Cop: "Whats left to lose?"

I stood stunned and in complete and utter awe at what just happen.
As she walked back to her car and took off all i could to what sit there and stare into the fucking trees as the rain picked up and fell warmer.
It was like i had been trapped in a fucked up movie.
it was perfect. It was honestly the answer i was looking for for so long.
But who was she? Why did she tell me that?
Why would she say that?
Why wouldnt she just be like get on out of here or something else rude and cop like?

Why did she tell me that profound truth?

Maybe she was sent to me from something or somewhere.

either way it was interesting and felt great to sit in the rain and think alone and clear my head of thoughts with a little assitance

BTW Becky, Run with the passing of the torch my dear. Run fast and dont stop.

3 found the love | Where is the love?

:: 2006 21 May :: 7.47am
:: Mood: apathetic

School is done.

Now I get to look forward to working. at meijer. at the service desk. for six an hour. bitches.

It was fun while it lasted, i guess.

Now i get to go to college, that's the scary part.

Mine and Rueben's two year anniversary was Friday. It seems like we've been together forever....
He got me flowers and last night we went out to eat and then we fell asleep together. I love falling asleep with him. It's the only time when I feel safe. I can curl up next to him and know he won't let anything hurt me. It's a wonderful feeling.

i miss band.

:: 2006 13 May :: 7.19am

Well, I never got into a fight last night.

Turns out I'm an AFFECTIONATE drunk.

:: 2006 12 May :: 6.48pm

25 Relationship Questions For The Truly Bored:

1) Single, Crushin', Interested, or in a Relationship? single, crushin', and interested
2) Are you happy with where you are? no
3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast? yes, and it takes a lot of self control not to fall so hard
4) Have you ever had your heart broken? yes
5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is acceptable? never
6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? nope
7) Have you talked about marriage with another person? yeah, but not about anyone specific and not about any specific time
8) Do you want children? Yes
10) Would you consider adoption? I don't know
11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think a cool way to let you know would be? just to send signals and respond to my signals to where I know I actually have a chance... also just straight out telling me is a nice approach. nothing better than honesty
12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get? nope I hate it
13) Be honest, do you play the "game" when you are dating? no
14) Do you believe love at first sight exists? yes
15) Are you a romantic? yes, very
16) Do you believe that you can change someone? maybe some things about a person, but not completely. but if I was in a relationship with someone, I would love them for who they are and not want to change them
17) If you could get married anywhere, money not an object, where would it be? in Greece
19) Do you easily give in when you are fighting? yes
20) Do you have feelings for someone right now, whether they know it or not? yes
21) Have you ever wished you could've had someone but you messed that up? yes
22.) Have you broken a heart? yes
23.) What would happen if you came and found another person in bed with your girl/boy?? I would kick the guy's ass, then leave and never see her again. cheating is horrible.
24.) Would you ever fight somebody over your significant other? yes, in a heartbeat
25.) What would you say about your last ex?
she needs to sort out her priorities... big time

:: 2006 12 May :: 12.46am

Just so everyone's up to speed, I am getting into a fight tonight.

That certain "deadbeat" is going down.

:: 2006 10 May :: 9.00pm

Thanks to everyone who's given me and my family support. It means a lot.

Why is it that whenever I get interested in a girl, I find out later that she's taken? Well, I've known for a while that she's had a boyfriend, but I liked her before I knew. It's not like I like some sort of "chase" from trying for a girl who's taken, because I'd like things to be easier than this. Jana told me to "grow some balls and take her." That kinda shocked me a bit, LOL. But, Jana hasn't been wrong yet about any of the advice she's given me.........

EDIT: Nevermind. Don't have that problem anymore.

:: 2006 9 May :: 9.05pm
:: Mood: sad

I miss you. I wish you were here. But you aren't.

whatever.

Band awards dessert tonight. I'm receiving my department award on May 30 at honors convocation.

I got my honors band CD today. It is quite lovely. I like listening to people who can actually play.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

michelle