Living in a world where one's dreams are left to rust ...

:: 2003 30 December :: 9.66pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: alone.. i forget who sings it

okk everythings got so much better i kind of relized that i got really understanding and supportave friends! ok for the past 3 days i havent wrote.. i been getting my energy back :0) yay and im actually out with friends and family and stuff... danny conner sara and meana lauren meghan and lea and my cousin meghan (believe it or not she been kind of nice) were the people i saw.. tonight i baby sat jen's son tyrell. its so funny me and jen are like nothing alike at all she acts like shes like 16 and she looks like it too its really wierd i can tell her just about anything and its wierd having a relationship like this with your older by i think 15 years sister.. i have to count if its 15 but not now. even though her and leah are closer in age and probably closer sisters its ok im just the baby of the family.. one of them lol i helped jen pick out an outfit that had to perfectly match for her party i guess it was fun lol lauren jen has been in love with johnny depp for 15 years watch out!! hehe and tyrell omg that kid changed my outlook on kids i guess in a way he was ok but it was fun... yeah well night!!

1 Watched me as I | Fell

:: 2003 27 December :: 11.47pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: nikki lol

today i woke up pretty late like in the afternoon and i woke up in a bad mood i guess bc i didnt want to be around anyone at all soo i played X-2 ALL day nothing else just that... im not a social person anymore for some odd reason, my dad said hed let me go to any friends house and sleep over but i was yelling at him bc i want to stay home and away from people and hes like 'im worried about you blah blah' grrrr dosnt anyone get it? I WANT TO BE ALONE!!!! god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to tell you the truth i want to know whats wrong with me i have no idea why im like this and its making me kinda mad...i am having bad eating habits- i used to be always happy- id have like endless energy- id always want to be out of the house and i wouldnt yell or snap at people but now i am and i have no idea why i am acting like this... but anyway on better note i started laughing at something that id normally cry about isnt that just lovely... its amazing how stubborn guys are these days! hehe what else happened tonight i found out that someone i thought i can trust bc i was so close to her i cant trust anymore!! hint it was the same girl as last night thats all i just had to let some of my bitchyness out now im on the phone with nikki and im giggling like non stop for some reason and im extremely mad ok j/ now the girl im not mad anymore i love this girl sooo much we talked it out and were still bb4l lol sorry everyone bye bye

:: 2003 26 December :: 11.88pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: tv in the other room

today got better... in the morning i went to the mall and saw tyler and these 2 other kids so i stayed with them for about and hour and went with my mom and spent time with her. after that i went to laurens and chillaxed with her annalisse and meghan than i left and went to my uncle and aunts for a pizza party it was pretty fun except i got a tummy ache.. after i went back to laurens and than i went home lol i got better except earlier my mom noticed my excessive depression and asked what was wrong and i just kinda said i havent felt good bc i thought i was sick but when i went to laurens and told her i was better so suddenly she got kind of suspicious.. uh oh lol i hope she dosnt identify the reason before i do... im still mad at one of my friends but she dosnt know it yet im only mad bc she dosnt call me after something idk what happens and i call her she DOESNT PICK UP!!! so yeah i guess shell figure it out soon ooooooooooook im not mad anymore at her but - yeah im in tears now i just got hurt so bad by the same person and idk what i can do about it i cant describe my feelings right now.. not to make anyone feel bad but it kills me that i try and try and nothing happens and it dosnt matter how much i care or how i cry like every night and how i think about only him or even how strongly i feel about him nothing changes anything and there must be something wrong with me maybe im not good enough or not pretty or perfect enough thats why i have to change myself and i will...im on the phone with matt omg hes screaming at me hes trying to make me laugh hes like goofing off and screaming 'its oppisite day i said stop typing blah blah and im kinda ignoring him (lol ilu matt) hes being kinda funny though the kid is laughing and singing you'd think hes drunk and im telling him to shut up lol.. steven imed me too and hes helping me yay!! go steven!! kelly i love you like my sis and dont worry about me i will be fine

:: 2003 25 December :: 11.2147483647pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: nothing.. silence

today was probably the worst christmas ever well the first part i guess i didnt know what was wrong with me i just wanted to be alone i was just really depressed and when people would ask me what was wrong i said i felt sick- lie.. i felt perfectly fine i just was depressed over SOMETHING i thought i was jelous of one of my friends.. yeah (i sinned today on christs bday) i was a little but i was depressed before i found out about that so its not that... that just added on to it all so yeah well i was alone just laying down in my room staring at the celing yeah than it got better bc my friends made me feel better than i got depressed again bc my parents yelled at me for god knows what than the best thing happened I THOUGHT FOR A SECOND I WAS GONIG TO GET THE ONE THING I WANTED my friend said it was surley going to happen bc it was said by the person but guess what IT DIDNT i really should have aited before i got my hopes up bc for real that was stupid of me for thinking that i can get that-- oh ok well i got kinda what i wanted now i guess an im is good too im just really happy that it happened my day just got so much better and wow idk im just all happy now this is probbaly like one of the best christmas's everr! even though it was only 2 words thats okk good enough! its better than nothing!!! okk love yas mwaaaaaa

2 Watched me as I | Fell

:: 2003 24 December :: 11.6546546pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: vacuming

today was an ok kind of day first off i went to the store with my mommy and did really last minute shopping for the puppies than cleaned a little than went outside with danny and conner and we took a walk. than i saw meghan and we talked again and lauren came out and chased me with a camera lol it was fun except she got some wierd pictures of me and some of a lamp post she was really facinated at that lol i went inside and helped my mom clean a little more and helped my dad cook. we ate dinner than i started to not feel good so i layed down and went to sleep at like 9 bc i was really tired and i didnt feel good... woke up and i think im going to go to bed again lol tomorrows christmas and i hope i get the one thing i want... even though i doubt i will and dont ask what it is bc only 3 people know and it is something money cant buy well wish me luuuck merry christmas eve <3

:: 2003 23 December :: 11.54352543pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: banging and beeping somewhere in my house

today was okk wierd but good... well frist i spent most of the day chillaxing with danny conner sara nikki and meana.. than we went to the movies and met up with other people.. it was fun i guess but ahh i am proud i think that i am getting to be more as a friend to marcus bc i wasnt really depressed over him i was actually happy that we were kinda talking and i guess from what kelly said we got along pretty well... well thats good yay!! hmmm... well me and meana almost got run over by cars bc were dumb and we were on del prado which is a main road and i tripped and fell in the street and yaminah like grabbed me and pulled me lolol we were chasing marcus too but it was fun!! but the night had freaky parts to it too... but we wont get into that. okk anyway im getting these wierd feelings that christmas eve and christmas day arent going to be the best i dont know where its coming from i just have that feeling and i hate when that happens lol but i told my friends family and parents not to get me anything for christmas bc the one thing i want is something money cant buy and i know im not going to get it no matter what i do.. but instead of wanting that ill only have parts of it... like a phone call or email would be awesome but i know i cant even get that so why do i try? oh yeah i know bc i actually believed that that can happen yeah i had hope (thanks brittany for the candle and the the talk btw lol) but oh well if i dont get that maybe i can try next year or something or hey even for my bday lol yeah i wish! ok im done lol laterzzzz

:: 2003 22 December :: 2.46pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: rabbit slurping

oh happy days are here again!
Hey! well todaymy grandparents came and we got a new lazyboy chair and so the old one went in my room because im kinda attached to it so im gunna keep it for a while. the new one tho is very big and very comfy! (comfy is a funny word isn't it?! lol and im talking to my french friends right now! i think im going to learn french! lol well today is good... my room is awsome now cuz i just rearranged it and maybe others wont like it but i do! welp i gotta go! tootles!!! lol
i lov ya!
and i love johnny depp!
~LoRlOr~
~aNdY~

:: 2003 21 December :: 12.00am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: kelly singing

today was really ok.. mixed good and bad first i went to costco with my mommy and we bought stuff than kelly came over and we chillaxed than went to lindas and met russels psyco girlfriend i swear this girl is so wierd and than me and kelly came home and listened to music than went back and saw the boats parade and tiffany the wierd girl told us how she tried to choke her sister to death but started to breathe again than how she wants to kill her sisters boyfriend with a bat! omg so me and kelly were distant lol at night than it was great well something happened during that time and me and kelly were all in tears and were so depressed and we kinda yeah well im not gonig to say what we did but whatever lol lets just say alot of my friend imed me and called me and yelled at me wow okk whatever lolol umm byee

1 Watched me as I | Fell

:: 2003 21 December :: 12.00am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: listening to the tv that im not watching... my dad is watching it

hi
ok i changed my mind i shall write in this thing yay okk lol um today was ok i babysat with yaminah and then i was gonig to bake but some thing happened that i was crying in albertsons bc of stuff that happened and it also got me irritated so im there and im pissed off so i was yelling at the lady working there but for real shes like 'how many items do you have' and im like 13 and shes like you have to have 10 and im like OH MY FREAKING GOD 3 MORE ITEMS BOO FRICKEDY HOO IM SORRY ITS GOING TO TAKE UP 10 SECONDS OF YOUR PRECIOUS DO NOTHING TIME and by the time i was going to say something else my mom kind of covered my mouth and yeah she said i was sorry but i was not and i refused to say i was so we left. than baked with my family and stuff it was fun and i got home and did nothng so today was a day to do alot lol

:: 2003 16 December :: 4.31pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: breakdown, go ahead and give it to me_by whom i know not of

upsetting the chemical balaces in my BRAIN! ahh!
hey guys... today was fairly decent...almost worth remembering. sometimes i think a person just needs to know who truley stands behind them... who will always be there and loves you... i just want you guys to take 2 seconds and reply to this journal entry or just e-mail me please because i just need to know... its hard to find true friends in life, i just wanna know who mine are... but before you email me (if you do) please read the following thanks guys... love you

15 Things You Probably
Never Knew or Thought About

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

3 Watched me as I | Fell

:: 2003 15 December :: 5.37pm

the journal entrie before this is new also
im unsure of my existance
but ill keep walking in the blank
wondering around
wondering where i fit
everything is blank
and all i see is black
around me, my world is crashing
this safe dome i formed is colasping
the good is so hard to see
and hope is all i need
but like good, its hard to find
in this dark... black... blank

:: 2003 15 December :: 4.34pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: 96.9

Hurt
...before i went to this baptist church play about Christ, i did not have any faith... i didnt believe in god or anything religious for that matter. Then i went to the play friday, and i cried because i regained my faith, it changed me... i had a good weekend after friday...until sunday. We got a phone call from my grandma... my grandpa had an irregular heart rate and was driven to the hospital from work in an ambulance... his heart rate is wacked and he is going up north today to be checked by another hospital for blockage... if there is he will go into surgery immidiately. My other grandpa died of heart complications just last march. i just think its ironic that just as i regain my faith and start to believe i could put my life back on track and believe in something... something like this happens... i swear if i have to lose this much in one year i will never believe again! not ever! im so mad right now! im mad crying its not fair! and i know this girl... she doesnt talk to her dad anymore... she has all the money and buys whatever and just doesnt talk to her dad! she takes advantage of everything she has! yeah hes with us now but once hes gone she'll wish she had been nicer to him and spent more time with him! it seems like money takes over her life! she doesnt value her friendships or family and it makes me so mad that someone has that much when someone close to her has lost so much and yet she doesnt see that its wrong of her! everything is crashing down around me and around one of my very close friends and i just feel empty inside... i say to god "YOU TOOK SO MUCH DAMNIT WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" it seems like everyday its something new, something more for me to bare and i feel like im going to crack! oneday im just going to break! And i almost started balling in health... and i look at all the happy people around me and i wanted to slap them because it hurt to see them having so much fun during this time in my life (even if they dont have anything to do with it) like some people seriously get it al and they dont appriciate it! they dont value the most important things in life! they brag about getting high and drunk and laugh at it... DONT even begin to tell me its fun DON even try! i saw them doing it in language (no names) and i actually said "you know what thats not even funny... have you ever lost anyone you cared about to being drunk huh?" because i havent but i know people who have and its not funny... its not a game and its not cool! you hurt people... if any of you have a little sister or brother... now would you feel if one day they were in an accident with a drunk driver... its careless! something like a soul of a 10 year old angle is lost to an IDIOT! god id be so mad id kill the person... and what if the drunk driver was you. think for a minute... you traded your sisters life for a couple of hours of stupidity and stubbling and a majior hangover... tell me you dont care... tell me you could forgive yourself! everything is so wrong! some people just dont care... i hate them...

:: 2003 14 December :: 12.00am
:: Mood: depressed

ok if you check at this im not going to be writing in this journal anymore bc everything i want to say i dont want anyone to really see it bc its liek kinda personal and a little depressing so im just going write in my other journal which is a book in my room
ok bye

:: 2003 10 December :: 6.35pm
:: Mood: Confused
:: Music: No Doubt

Crazy? or Brilliance?
sometimes i say... odd... things. just ask annalisse! and i dont know if its everyone else just living the norm and never thinking outside of their 2 inch box... or me being over-imaginative. and if it is me, i dont think im crazy... i dont think its brilliance... i dont know what to think of it. its like a breakthrough when i say something because i think so hard to try to put my theories into words and then annalisse just bites my head off! lol "your so wierd lauren i swear to god!" and you know what? i think its wierd too, i think i have like some wierd thing in my head that i dunno no one else has i guess. and people call me crazy but like i dunno i dont wanna sound conceided but i think i have like some sort of special mental thing! like its wierd and it makes me different, but not too different, just wierd! but i have a address another issue thats been buggin me because i was staring at these kind of people at school today and it made me sick! ok when i say something... i dont say it to get attention because honestly i dont need 10 people to pitty me when i feel lost and alone, i say it because it helps me like explain more about myself and it helps me understand better too when i write it. and people email me "oh lauren i love you!" (dont worry angie im not talking about you i love you) well they just like hunt for sad people and try to make them feel better like when people are like "lauren i love you" i never hear from them unless i write some big long sad thing! and im like " no... no you dont love me! you must just like saying that... you say it to everyone... how do i know you're sincere? you dont love me not one bit!" lol but yeah and i have to say something but i cant put it into words right now so maybe later because my french friend is online and i wanna talk to him. oh yeah one more thing
IM NOT MOVING TO FRANCE BECAUSE OF JOHNNY DEPP! SO SHUT UP AND QUIT SAYING IT! YOU DONT KNOW WHY AND ILL NEVER TELL YOU SO HA! MAYBE IM MOVING TO GET AWAY FROM EVERYTHING AND I DONT THINK CALI IS FAR ENOUGH ANYMORE! ILL TRY BUT I KNOW IT WONT WORK! AND IF I CANT AFFORD TO MOVE THERE THEN IM DEFINATLY MOVING TO CALI! AND I WANT YOU TO STOP THINKING ALL OF MY DECISIONS ARE BASED AROUND JOHNNY DEPP AND GRRR IM LEAVING! sorry ttyl
I LOVE JOHNNY DEPP! ~lOrLoR aNdY