::
2003 13 July :: 11.12 pm
:: Mood: energized, happy :)
:: Music: three doors down - going down in flames
just woke up from 2.5 hr nap and im chugging a diet coke
now you tell me how grounding sucks
fyi - got 2 wks of no-going-out for that drinking in spain incident. i deserved it, and it was so worth it - i loved spain and the ppl i was with :)
but ive managed to sneak out through work. like, ill get sent home or have the day off, and instead of going/staying home - i just go out. i think its pretty damned clever :) and thats what im gonna spend my monday and tuesday doing 0:)
marcus is acting really weird now... i think its whenever were seperated by distance, he realizes what hes got. we really started to act the way we do (hangout/talk *all the time*) after we got back from spring break this year and he really missed me then...
and now after i got back from spain, he missed me so insanely much. i mean, the kid came over after his favorite concert just cuz i couldnt go and stayed until 230. he was so desperate for me to go w/ him to the 2nd boy sets fire concert that he called my parents to try to talk them into letting me out for a night. :)
he puts up w/ my teasing and still calls me a sweetheart. (and im pretty incessant w/ the teasing - between my mousie dying right after he took care of him while i was away and pouting cuz he never takes me out and refuses to give us titles *right now at least* lol)
he will be walking out the door, hear his computer say "why hello emily" (meaning i came back/signed on) and he'll come back just to talk to me before he goes out. i tell him to enjoy his freedom while i have none, cuz once i get it back, hes gonna be stuck w/ me every other night. his response: "good - you better stick to your word on that one" :)
he is my pretty pretty princess and i am his queen :)
and you never would have though in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again...
should've said something but ive said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste some time with you
(the used - blue and yellow)
so even though im grounded and i have been doing *nothing* but working and sleeping, im happy to be alive. things are fine w/ the rents, ppl at work rock my world, marcus is so loving, ive got enough ppl to talk to to justify my existence.
now i just gotta work on that obesity thing and i shall be wonderful :)
mle
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 10 July :: 1.59 pm
:: Mood: mixed feelings
:: Music: dashboard - a plain morning *and* incubus - i miss you *acoustic*
bittersweet disappointment
home from spain late last night. i had so much damned fun. everything that sucked about the trip turned into a hilarious joke courtesy of marianna's insanity. and it was wonderful. once again, i love europe.
but as soon as i boarded that first flight to paris, my first real feelings of missing someone hit me. i missed marcus. ever since then, all i could think about was getting home to him. to see him, to hug him, and yes- to rape him (9 days makes nearly everyone horny lol). i just... i couldnt wait to see him. the girls i rode home w/ called him up w/ me and sang happy birthday. hes 19 now - what a geezer. he was out though so we talked later on the phone for a while. he really missed me. lol - it really hit him that he has no life w/o me. i love that child. we were gonna go to the broken sunday/boy sets fire concert tonight - but w/ complications *later explained* i cant go. im so insanely disappointed. i wanted to share that w/ him. bsf is by far his favorite band... so hes gonna drop off my mousie and say hi afterwards. ive got his bday presents too. but i just hope he can stay for a little bit. i need him to.
all this excitement to get home, and i know underlying it is the insane disappointment of my parents.
we got caught drinking in spain. sure, its legal (along w/ smoking - which we did more than enough of lol) but we signed a contract for our teacher that we wouldnt do either. she didnt care about the porn or piercings (which my parents will kill me again if they see my belly lol). and she wasnt gonna say anything, but the 2nd to last night, we all went to a discoteca. well... after we took a group shot outside of it, marianna fell over. sondra couldnt really walk. i fell twice and threw up in the lobby bathroom as ms coste looked for empties in our rooms. 10 out of 11 ppl in our group had drank. most of us were pretty intoxicated... she couldnt just let it slide. so our parents were called. and the phone tree played its roll.
my mom cried when she got the call.
i dont know what to tell them. this is drinking discussion numero 9. im afraid theyll send me to rehab or something insane like that. but they seem a lot calmer than i thought. im hoping for a wk grounding and thats it (plus i work for the next 7 or 8 days).
im gonna go write them a letter
and put on marcus's hockey hoodie...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 22 June :: 7.51 pm
:: Mood: falling
:: Music: the rolling stones - paint it black
this has become perpetual
i cant shake this feeling of disappointment, of dissatisfaction.
its simple but i cant explain this
im sinking down
i feel like i could die
im falling off, i dont know why
(american hi-fi - another perfect day)
i need to bury this sinking feeling.. but it seems so permanent.
i feel so alone with the grchs kids that ive been hanging out w/ again (after a couple months break of seeing most of them).
even the wonderfulness of only working 1215-415 on sunday - with lots of sun and finishing out w/ a shift at the bottom of the slide (get to cool off :) yay)... that all faded away
it seems nothing good can last.
and it seems no one can penetrate my layers anymore.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 11 June :: 12.28 pm
:: Mood: eh, overall general negativity
:: Music: blink182 - you fucked up my life
what a big pile of suck
ok. here goes a nice lil rant n rave. enjoy :)
im still pissed cuz i have no car. fucking rear ending ppl the 2nd to last day of school - not a good idea. why cant they just come out that same day, tell me its totaled and i can go find a car and be happy? fucking insurance GRRRR. we still dont know - a fucking week later!
so now i have no car for the last few days of freedom before work starts monday. fucking a. that means mle is desperate and pretty clean. well, i feel exceedingly sober/nonhigh. even though i got drunk off a deucer on sunday night and i smoked before exams last wednesday. damn you all. i need some now. i shoulda stolen marcus's cigarettes last night (even thoe neither of us should be smoking them)
speak of the devil (marcus). he came to pick me up last night to go watch movies on his projector he borrowed from his work. idk why, but i was still really sad from earlier. (but non grouchy cuz i got a long nap) and being w/ him didnt help this time. i think i was still exhausted from cedar point on monday. and i still am. and he was tired too. we lazily did stuff kinda. modified lazy fooling around i guess you could say. made me late for curfew.
on the way home, i checked a text msg on my phone from rikki. "go suck cock... oh wait, i bet shes helping you do that right now.. or to some degree" was c-a's away msg (rikki told me about it). so i was totally pissed. i told marcus about it while he was driving me home, but idk if i really should have..
so i felt even more like shit bc a previous friend is now calling me a cock sucker in her away msg and ripping on me and marcus. stupid fucker. i was pissed. and i know marcus was not happy about it ..
i want to die when marcus is not happy
i kinda feel like this is all my fault. ive been a jealous lil bitch about c-a the whole time, even thoe marcus kept telling me nothing was going on - he was considering it, but he needed to hang out w/ her more to know if he really wanted something mroe. apparently she assumed they were semi-seeing each other or something. she wasnt online when i got home. me and marcus barely talked online before we went to bed.
this morning i got woken up early to take care of my ticket/accident situation. which still hasnt happened yet. went online to type up my lil explanation (in hopes they dont take away my lisence) and c-a and marcus were both on. well, both away. i got him to come back and tried to talk to him. yea, basically no talking happened. i feel like shit.
i did talk to her thoe... her profile initially said stuff about "youre a stupid fucker, im completely single now ;), i cant beleive youd do it with that fat slut" blah blah blah. and she was away, but not idle. i said something to her, and later (after she had changed her profile to just "ok so maybe that was a little harsh, but youre still a fucker") she came back. i bitched her out big time. she kept claiming she wasnt mad at me at all (even stating "you know i love you mle!" mle: "no, i dont"). she claimed she was jsut jealous of me cuz supposedly movie watching w/ marcus always turns into more (this is where i find out they "cuddle n kiss n stuff"). sure, this time it was true - but ive hung out w/ him numerous times w/o even kissing him.
so he hurt her. she was jealous of me. yea, that exactly how ive felt for weeks. and you know what? i never once brought it up to her or in my profile/away msgs. cuz im not that low. and she went off on us for no reason! behind our backs! what a stupid bitch! i totally went off bout how its not right for her to rip me up just bc shes hurt. she has no clue what hurt by marcus means until she has lived my life. i wanted to shoot her. ooo so he hurt you. wah wah wah. you dont know what hurt means.
so after about 20 min of me yelling and her defending, im like "ok this isnt going anywhere. ill let you get to work" she said shed call me later. i hope she doesnt. lucass later told me we should fight. id kick her ass.
im getting all pissed about it all over again now that im talking about it... maybe i should stop...
either way, i feel like hell. i took a 3 hr nap today, and its only 1230. yesterday i took a 2.5 hr nap. both times i woulda slept longer if i hadnt been woken up. im so damned depressed. and my mom nagging me about getting clothes for senior pic's just makes me feel 800x worse. cuz im obese and now that im outta school it drives me insane. and w/ work starting next wk, i need to get new swim suits for lifeguarding. hah. last thing i wanna see right now.
but in the end, all i want is for 4pm to come around. marcus will get outta work. my desperate ass will get a hold of him, and ill end up crying bc he probably wont wanna come pick me up 2 days in a row (he'll use gas as an excuse- i can see it now). but i want him to be happy. id do anything to see him smile and mean it.
but then again.. id do anything to be with him. this whole situation has made me realize that thats all i want... i was so jealous when i found out that him and c-a have been making out or whatever. i doubt they did anything more than kiss/cuddle. and i know they havent hung out that much, especially alone. but thats so hypocritical of me. i mean... hello - groomsie. ive been doing stuff w/ him (shut up kathay) and its all to spite marcus. its so gay. like, yea groomsie is kinda fun or whatever, but i do it just to get alcohol or be a slut. cuz thats just me. sunday night when c-a called marcus, i left w/o relaly saying goodbye so i could go get alcohol from groomsie. and i have no interest in a real relationship w/ the kid. i make out w/ him just bc hes there and self destructive behavior makes me feel better - specially when ppl know about it. so i make sure marcus knows. i want him to care. i want him to want me to be exclusive, like i want him to not get on other girls. but im a hypocrite. dammit. i can never win. i would give up everythign in a heartbeat to be his only one.
but he supposedly doesnt want that....
so now im gonna go sleep until 4pm bc im gay and have no life. specially w/o a car. this is so damned depressing...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 6 June :: 2.28 am
:: Mood: stressed, hopeless
:: Music: simple plan - im just a kid
day from hell
but morale was pretty dec
until precalc hit me...
ok so im running on no sleep all wk. last night i fell asleep at 330 just to be welcomed to dreamland by a night terror (really intense/realistic dreams during nonREM when your body isnt prepared for nightmares). so i wake up at 4, freaked out to death. i managed to get 2 hrs of sleep or so.
and then i total my car on the way to school. totally rear ended this minivan. im lucky the lady driving was a total sweetie. well there goes my 3rd hr exam, my car, and perhaps my lisence (i gotta go to court for that one). $4000 worth of damage to a 95 taurus.. yea, we're thinking totaled. we havent decided yet if we're gonna just buy it back and get used parts and repair it for like half that on our own, or get a new car. hoping for the latter lol. but this means trouble for lisence. after that speeding ticket in november, this could possibly mean a lisence suspension. i would kill myself if i lost my lisence. and of course, my car is toast right when i need it the most for open houses, work, exams.
so instead of having naptime during 4th hr exam, i ahve to use my free period to take my 3rd hr exam i missed. and of course, everyone in that class is just ripping me up for the accident. yea, its kinda funny... but its not. at all. im pretty embarassed and feel like a disappointment bc of it. and ppl rubbing it in just make me wanna cry. seeing my car that smashed up made me wanna cry. ive never been in an accident before and i never wanna again.
so i manage to get marcus to come pick me up from school. he kinda gave me a hard time about it and i was really disappointed. he only stayed at my house for like an hour or so. it was ok i guess. sometimes i really question that kid.
we were chillin on my front steps (after i painted his nails black hahahaha) and he could really tell that im hurting. he made a little comment and i brushed it off and he kinda gave me a lil hug. but i feel like he does really care. its one of those ppl whos like "oh im so here for you. anytime" but i dont feel like i can go to him. but i want to so bad. i want him to realize that i dont feel anything but hatred for anyone besides him. even today i felt distanced from him. its like i cant enjoy anyones company. i hate everyone. and its so lonely this way...
but anyways.. he left pretty quick to go get a video game w/ matthew and blah blah blah. i kinda tried to talk to him later, and he had me call him on his way home at midnight, but i couldnt say anything i wanted to.
another opprotunity wasted.
but what would i even say? that i love what we have? that i hate what we have? that im sick of living my life? that i think im trash and hes too good to be even associating w/ me? that the only thing i ever look forward to (besides sleep) is him. talking to him. seeing him. without it im nothing. idk what im gonna do when he goes to ca for a wk and canada for another wk this summer. or when i go to spain. im gonna keel over and die.
i dont know what my problem is, but i need to stop hating everything because its tearing me apart... all these ppl i used to love.. all i see is flaws, flaws, flaws. adn they all drive me insane...
so he left. and i slept from 2-430 when i went to work. bad bad nightmares. like, night terrors again. i woke up 3 or 4 times. car accident dreams. i sound like a lil kid afraid of the dark, but im afraid to go to sleep... bc i know ill have more nightmares and i cant handle any more cuz theyre so god damned realistic and traumatizing.
i get up, mommy drives me and lauren to work. its our last week of gymnastics classes, so theres lost of parents there. lots of evaluation sheets, too... first class goes wonderful. good evaluations. great. grand. then we're informed that our room is beign used by the school band or sumthing and we have to leave before the time when our 2nd class is done w/. so were screwed. we somehow managed to get a beam into the gym and found shitty lil foam aerobics mats and tried to make due. the parents didnt relaly like that so much. 4's (outta 5's) on evaluations.
then precalc
jesus christ
i cant even begin
it makes me wanna break down and cry
honors precalc 6th hr w/ mrs cortes is the more horrible, horrible, horrible thing i have ever experienced in my life. ever. i would rather die than take that exam tomorrow 1st hr. im going to fail. im not w/ the review guide bc i cant do it. im crying just thinking about it. and of course i havent looked at my history review stuff cuz ive been too stressed about math all wk.
i hate precalc
i hate precalc
i hate precalc
and now i feel like absolute hell. im starting to get sore from the accident and im starting to get tired. but i have math and history to do... and im scared to go to sleep.
and somehow, all i want is to be in marcus's bed right now...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 3 June :: 12.01 am
:: Mood: wholly dissatisfied
:: Music: alkaline trio - take lots with alcohol and saliva - rest in pieces
i am unhappy.
my body hates me
my sleep schedule is so out of whack. ive been eating way too much, even though ive exercised every day for almost a wk. ive been getting headaches again. and the nauseating uneasiness is unceasing.
i wish i could sleep this life away.
im questioning my sanity lately. i honestly think im having problems w/ manic-depressive. but how do i know this isnt normal? i mean, obviously few people act as moody as i do (even after i restrain myself), but maybe im just a pussy and have less self control than everyone else on the face of the planet (very good possibility).
who knows. but what i *do* know is this sucks.
im so stressed and depressed. all i can do is sleep and see marcus. everything else is meaningless and insignificant and a pure waste of time/effort. so i dont do it. or procrastinate. and then i break down when i realize i eventually have to do it, or i missed my chance.
to see you when i wake up is a gift i didnt think could be real
to know that you feel the same as i do is a threefold utopian dream
you do something to me that i cant explain
so would i be out of line if i said i miss you?
(incubus - i miss you *acoustic*)
wow. im pathetic. i saw/talked to him today.. less than 7 hrs ago. and i need him now more than ever.
hes always wanted me to be open w/ him, and even though its been kinda hard for me in the past, i feel like right now hes the only one i could be open w/.
i know i need someone. i feel like all my bridges are burned. i havent felt so alone in such a long time. i feel like all i have left is my best friend that i am in love with and have a weird obsessive relationship with.
the only thing that could help me now is falling asleep in his arms... ive got the security hoodie on (lol), now all i need is its rightful owner to wrap his arms around it...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 1 June :: 9.59 am
:: Mood: waking up. semi-cynical
:: Music: lifehouse - spin and avril - things ill never say
trying to bring unconscious feelings into the conscious
(or at least into subconscious)
ok. gonna lay some of this out. stuff ive been thinking about. i know itll all fit together eventually.
its right at the tip of my tongue.
- it makes me uneasy and shameful to talk to marcus about various substances. i pull one of those semi-bragging tactics whenever i talk about weed. typical teenager thing to do: exaggerate and blow outta proportion to feel "cool". but ive never done it w/ him. and i didnt tell him that i took a couple shots waiting for him on friday night. i had enough to share.. but it just seems wrong.
- "we started making out and she took off my pants but then i turned on the tv" maybe im like lucass and have no sex drive. lol. but its kinda funny. and at the same time.. kinda sucky. its like "hey, im not into this, but idk how to stop you w/o offending you" (lol)
- ive nearly stopped wearing makeup for him. hes def the person i wanna impress the most... but i dont care about my hair or makeup with him. his laid-back, almost-hippie attitude (lol) has def affected me. i go over there in my pj's and in my guard suit w/ a hoodie and towel on. im just comfy w/ him.
- i have to have control, yet im so passive. ill wait around for him online, or ill get super-excited when he text messages my cell, but i have to be the one who has to leave/end the conversation. otherwise i feel ditched, unloved, and basically a loser. every time hes like "awww, you sure you gotta go?" i smile. thats how i like it. i want him to want me. i need him to miss me.
but then i let him choose what we do (which is usually nothing lol), i make *him* ask *me* to hang out, i let him control the physical part of the relationship. i follow his lead, and i shut myself up more than characteristic of me.
- he feeds to my "eating problems" as most important things do. when the benefits are taking over the friendship- ana. when i asumme the worst (cuz im just so good at it), or he hurts me even in the most unintentional and minor way- mia. hes still never seen me eat.
- i still dream about us being together, even though hes been clear about it not happening. im so happy the way things are though. we basically are together. and i love it. i would be more than satisfied if things stayed this way forever.
hmmm.... maybe im just a little kid trying to do adult things
maybe im more innocent than i give myself credit for
*mle*
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 31 May :: 2.36 pm
:: Mood: mixed
:: Music: launchcast (currently: smile empty soul - bottom of a bottle)
"chill, homes."
- marcus
yea... ive been super-stressed all week. stupid "brave new world" test and huge history project and crucial last math test and bad time management and exhaustion and lifeguard recertification and dance dress rehearsal/recital.
grr.
but marcus kept me under control. he always says "chill, homes." :) and it makes me smile cuz it sounds so ghetto. i saw him a lot lately. (part of my bad time management) i mean, last sunday i spent 9 hrs w/ him, then monday we were together for another 4 or so. then thurs i stopped by for an hour or two after dress rehearsal (which went horribly, of course). and last night i went over there after training.
his whole "no kissing or dirty stuff" lasted a whole 10 days this time. but besides a few times when i really wanted to kiss him, i didnt miss it. i was shocked. i mean, we still cuddled and werre super-touchy-feely. i need that. i need his touch. im addicted. i always have one of his hoodies now, and its like a security blanket. but last night we broke it. (hey- i needed a shower after all that chlorine lol) i asked him in the middle "are you going to regret this?" "no, i chose it myself."
and its not like i regret it... but now i understand what he meant about it taking over the relationship. afterwards, we watched comedy central's stand ups like always as i gave him a back rub, and then chilled in the kitchen while he made pizza. and the night was over. it made me miss just hanging out w/ him. but i know ill see him a lot this week cuz of exams and him being out of school.
i think weve silently mutally agreed to find a happy medium. the friends w/ benefits just isnt as fun as friends w/ marcus :)
im so happy lifeguard recertification is over. i dread it to no end. it just makes me so nervous and anxious. the whole 200yd swim followed immediately by 2 min treading water w/ arms in the air and brick pick-up sucks. im so glad they do it right away.
and i cant wait for dance recital to be over w/. this year i actually have people coming to watch: rikki, lizz, and stussy for sure and maybe michelle and kim p too. thats so embarassing. between being ungodly obsese and not as good of a dancer as i want to be (half bc of my weight), i hate recitals with a passion.
but i love to dance.
i just want it to be over with.
i just want to be as little as deanna.
i just want to sleep.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 21 May :: 4.59 pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: three doors down - here without you
yesterday revisted
so it started out a typical dragging school day. then 6th hour rolls around - i got a 59% on my math test that i felt pretty decent about. oh yea - my grade is an 81 c. shoot me now. i think im dying.
so i was barely holding together through 7th hr and being around alters. thank god after school me and lizz went into her cherokee in the parking lot and smoked.
it was so nice. i never realized how much being high makes you forget everything.
and then i went and visited marcus. it was literally only a booty call, even though we had planned on it. and i was uninhibited, so i got up the balls to really get into it.
and i was feeling so much better after my nap. no longer high, i was still happy.
and it came crashing down.
i talked to marcus a lot - hed been supersweet lately. but then suddenly he was like "we need to talk" and of course he says we need to stop doing stuff. theres a girl he might have something with, but he cant tell me who bc its too early. blah blah blah.
and he reinforced his claim that he will never hook up with me because he doesnt want to lose me. he of course went off about how im his best friend and he let me get closer than hes ever let anyone else. does he regret it? "idk. i kinda thought if i opened up, you would too. but you didnt" yea, because theres something with him... i bite my tongue. i *never* bite my tongue! only with him... because i love him so much, and i dont know what to do.
*dont read this paragraph if you dont wanna hear about mles sex life lol*
in a way, it kinda follows the typical "he had sex with me and then dumped me" only it wasnt sex... ive been holding out on going down on him cuz i *do* have morals (gasp lol). ive always saved that (and most of the other stuff me and marcus have done) for relationships. and i broke that for him. i wanted to make sure we were gonna be in the same situation for a while before i took another step. and of course, ironic and predictable, i go for it and the exact reason i hadnt done it sooner ends up happening.
damn boys.
ended up staying up till 430ish. i had to do my nuge game on my own bc the past 2 nights i was too distracted by my marcus.
then i went home today after i finished it in lunch. i couldnt stand to be in school anymore. between my headache and heartache, i thought i was gonna explode. well, more like cave in.
and he came to visit me. at my house. yea - thats the 3rd time *ever* (well besides my post-prom party) it was awkward like it always is after he cuts off the physical half of the relationship. i never know if i can touch him or not. and i put on a happy face, even thoguh i know he *despises* that. i told him later that if things were always gona be that way, i didnt even wanna try. i told him how lost i am.
mle: what am i to do w/ you marcus?
marcus: what am i to do w/ you?
mle: idk. but all i can manage to do now is cry. and sleep.
i think its time to go do both of those things again.
*mle*
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 11 May :: 8.05 pm
:: Mood: sick/detached even though i just saw marcus
:: Music: papa roach - life is a bullet
the best way to celebrate mothers day:
find out that youre not gonna celebrate it yourself
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 5 May :: 12.32 pm
:: Mood: super happy :)
:: Music: the mix for the senior slide show (im in yearbook class)
i forgot how wonderful it feels to be loved
im totally on a roll with these wonderful days and i refuse to break the streak
im so happy. inexplianably happy. :) i mean, my parents went out of town all of yesterday - they *never* leave me home alone. and i slept all day. and watched fight club with marcus. of course, i couldnt sleep at night - i rolled around for 4 hrs :( - but it was worth it.
i get the feeling like me and marcus are really going somewhere... he always wants to see me - i saw him 5 days last wk, and hes bummed that we're taking a day off today. maybe im jumping the gun, but thats ok.
i *love* what we have now.
even though i cant define it, i wouldnt change it for the world
its like.. we're best friends.. with benefits... but kinda dating... and idk. cuz i told him no. two days in a row . ive never done that before.
i have never told a guy no before.
... and ive never had a guy listen before.
i admire him in so many ways. marcus is so amazing - his view on life and happiness and dealing with shit and material posessions...
i keep thinking about that night i cried in the dark in his bed...
how he said he only wants to have someone to love and enough money to live on when he gets older... and he opened my eyes to the fact that maybe thats what i want - i just havent had someone to love and love me back in so long that i forgot how important it is to me...
wow. i am so geeked :)
i am so in love with him.
*mle*
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 1 May :: 2.02 am
:: Mood: chilled out. happy/relieved
:: Music: incubus - aqueous transmission
insomnia returns after over sleeping constantly
but im so glad it did :)
skipped dance tonight, not really by my choice (me and rikki's dinner went late), so i went to marcus's and he was doing that stupid talking online to ppl while im there thing. grr. so i left after an hour, very disappointed.
tried to go to bed right away (930ish) and i couldnt! ive been going to bed early for a few weeks - i was dumbfounded and pissed off! so i came back online and talked to lucass and marcus, avoiding rikki cuz i just couldnt tolerate her.
i love those two boys. marcus and lucass are my most favorite people in the world.
(well matthew is a close runner-up... hes been super sweet lately - like he always is when hes bumming)
but after my convo w/ lucass tonight... i wanted to marry him lol. not really - thats why i love what we have *so* much: although weve both been infatuated w/ each other, weve never become official, and although we hook up a lot, we dont ever go past kissing. and i love that kid. so much. i cant wait till we're both at msu together :)
and marcus... god... that kid, i am in love with. i gave it up for a while. cooled it as he dealt w/ the whole "rikki will never want anything w/ me and now she almost hates me" thing. i think hes doing ok now. and we talked out a few things that have been bugging me. that boy - is so different than everyone else. and i love him for it. ah, the simplicity of complexity. :)
and they both have got everything figured out. they open my eyes time and time again, even about myself. they both are so understanding and so observant. 2 of my biggest "wow i admire you" qualities.
aww, no matter how shitty i may whine that things are... i am so lucky to have my 4 best friends :)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 24 April :: 9.52 pm
i feel so empty.
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 20 April :: 9.52 pm
:: Mood: semi-sad. semi-liberated. extremely sick.
:: Music: the all-american rejects - my paper heart (and other random happy-sounding song w/ heartbroken-ly
ha. i found the 2 poems i wanted to put in here... :)
ok. i know they suck. but i dont care. theyre random and get the point across. i guess its a style u gotta understand me and lucass in order to get. just the way we talk.
i thought it was amusing that the past 2 friends-w/-benefits-yet-should-be-more situations were so alike. not to mention they started to get serious at the same time (november 02)
but im over lucass. i *love* what we have now. we have an understanding.
but marcus. thats another issue... i went over there last night to comfort him about his realization that he'll never get rikki. he's been in denial for forever. well long story short, i had to leave early and as i was talking to him in the kitchen right before i left like i always do... i almost burst into tears. i didnt want to leave him. and i know he didnt want me to leave him either. he gave me the longest hug ever... and im shocked i managed to hold in the tears until i was walking down his driveway... no matter how much am in love with that boy, i would do anything for rikki and him to work out right now. because im going insane thinking about him being broken hearted....
ok. sorry. enough of that. i didnt mean to go off. first one is about lucass. when we were cheating on his girlfriend.
january 4, 2003
The Other Girl
i'm just the other girl
kiss me quietly.
friday night scary movie
play that little song for me
don't tell me that i'm beautiful
you've always been too good at lying
and through all your cheating,
im still just the other girl
so kiss me quietly.
and the one about marcus... which rings so ungodly true. the quote is exact - to date hes said it 4 times to me (he did this again the weekend before spring break - after i had written t his)... the ironic thing (besides the situatations being similar and the boys themselves being alike) is that there are no other journal entries/random writings in between these poems scratched in my notebook. but whatever.
march 18, 2003
Unenforceable Law
"we really need to stop this"
how many times must you say it?
they say third time is the charm,
yet chances are you'll still replace it.
you'll play me for a fool again
and take back everything you said.
four days, three days, or less from now
you know we'll be back in your bed.
you say that you have "totally changed"
and you hate what you have become.
you've worked your whole life to be
someone that's now undone.
you claim to be different,
a guy too good to be true.
yet though you have fallen to society,
you know i still love you.
and im cashed.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 14 April :: 11.57 pm
:: Mood: exhausted from earlier anger and generally fed up
:: Music: nothing. im too damned exahausted to think about it.
been gone a while. my mind, that is.
today has been a long day.
just like the monday after break can be expected, i guess.
you missed out on a lot. well, the whole mle-marc week thing. and then i told rikki that me and marcus had been fooling around behind her back for months, even though he tried to stop 3 or 4 times (i have a good poem about it.. if i can find it, ill post it sometime). and she got pissed bc she thought he used me. which he did. but i used him too. and matt was pissed at marcus cuz he thought marcus used me. and it was all a big huge hatefest on marcus. and i joined in, on a power trip of course. then i felt like hell.
but marcus and i barely talked the week before break (right after all this went down).
i called him once over break, but his cell was screwy and so was mine when i was in florida.
so he surprises the hell outta me when he calls me fri afternoon. like i almost crapped my pants. i had totally gotten over my dependency on him. and then wham - he hits me w/ the whole "i love mle" vibes. fuck you marcus. i fall for it again, and even though hes totally bummed we couldnt hang out on fri (i went out to msu), we chill on saturday.
so im bored as fuck, sitting in his dark, cold room in the basement as he pays no attention to me whatsoever. and i get all pissed and leave early. well, this is after i tried to kiss him and he refused. so i went and visited matthew to cheer me up :)
last night, marcus IMs my cell (which he never does) to see if im coming on. rikki had already told me he had to talk to her, so i figured he had to talk to me about the same thing. "im happier with rikki than i am with anyone else. kate is everythign i thought i wanted. and rikki is the total opposite of everything ive ever had. but im thinking maybe i dont want what i thought i did" ha. i told him the day before this epiphany not to stereotype the girls he likes :)
and rikki's epiphany that weve hung out every weekend since late november got me thinking. im sick of her. like. sick of her. and her scrubby ass self. the more i talk to lucass about it, "one of those things that shouldnt bug you, but it still does", the more i get pissed about it. he compared me and rikki to jimmy and aj. basically once aj got a car, their friendship ceased to exist.
one can only hope the same will happen w/ me and rikki.
but its different. i know why me and rikki are the way we are. we're both insecure and need attention from others. well, what better way to always have someone to hang out w/ than to cling to another clingy girl? particularly when theres a lack of money/car and then an abundance of money/car/gas/etc. u know what i mean? our friendship is convenient. hell, the girl probably knows less about me than any of my other good friends.
i went to marcus's after school today. he was supposed to come visit me, but instead hes too fucking lazy to drive out here. yet, last friday when i was gone, he drove all the way out here to pick up rikki, go all the way back to matt's and then drop her off all the way out here. and on saturday he drove out to kates. apparently im not worth it enough. and i tease him about it. i also tease him endlessly that i hate him. "no u dont, i know you dont :)" sometimes i really wish i did. and lately ive been pretty physical (beating him up). like he does this lil head-butt thing that i absolutely hate bc it actually hurts my forehead. so now ive taken the liberty to smack his head as hard as i can every time he does it. :) its good to get out some agression.
but anyways... about today... yea... you remember how hes said we needed to stop fooling around... 4 times(?) well that changed again. we were just fighting over the blankets, and while we were both in the dark under one he kissed me and im like "um, do you really wanna do that?" and so he got all quiet and depressed for a lil bit....
and we ended up doing shit like always. stupid boys.
(and he later IMs my cell during my nap to tell me not to tell rikki about it... yet he never did tell me yet again that we had to stop)
but this time felt different. i didnt really have any drive to actually screw around, and i felt like he didnt really wanna either... but then that smile of his... i dont know sometimes with that boy.
"in the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
-martin luther king jr
i had that as an away msg tonight. matt caught on and tried to talk to me. but its not that i want to talk to him. as ass-backwards as it sounds, hes the only one in the world im not mad at, but yet i dont feel the need to go to him for comforting. i want to go to marcus.
i want to slap marcus across the face, i want to kick marcus in the stomach, i want to cut off marcus's damned penis.
and then i want to give him a kiss and fall asleep in his bed with his arms around me.
and then everything will be fine.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
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