::
2002 27 December :: 9.45 am
:: Mood: waking up. more recovered/mellow
:: Music: mad at gravity - burn
mad at gravity
(you guys are gonna get so sick of
listening to me bitch lol)
i really wish i could just ask marcus what the hell all this is. i mean... god dammit i cant figure this out. so he really likes emily and all. and flirting is one thing. but i cant shake that look he had on his face at mitch's after we kissed. it wont erase no matter how much i wanted to. and i even kissed him tonight (i even asked) and he did.
all flirting and kissing is purely optional. why the hell would you choose the option if you didnt like it? if you had those intentions saved for someone else? i mean, i realize guys have penises and thats partly what fueled lucass's actions, but me and marcus werent like that because it was just a few random kisses. not getting on each other.
we dont wanna be the enemies
of what we used to be
so how does it feel?
how does it feel?
cause its tearing me apart
well im back for more
round two was a bore
but youre drifting away
cause you want it that way
(sugarcult - how does it feel)
and through all of this... im falling apart. one piece at a time. matt last night was totally shocked that the marcus deal was even upsetting me. and to be honest, i am too. but its not even about him. its just proof that no matter how much i am distracted (by boys or other wonderful things), i cant escape the reality that im extremely insecure and hate myself.
and you know i need you now
and this aint easy to admit
and no one needs to know
what goes on behind that door of mine
kicking through the doors in my mind
i cant stand without you
and i cant find the answers when youre gone
but its over to you
(goo goo dolls - its over)
and lucass is such a bum too. id given up on him, forgotten about him (because of other guys, of course) and then out of nowhere, 2 nights ago we have this awesome convo. im so confused about that whole deal, but whatever. shit changes i guess. but he never called. and that was important to me.
now its too late.
i havent felt the way i feel today in so long...
pins and needles
nice to know you
goodbye
(incubus - nice to know you)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 27 December :: 1.12 am
:: Mood: no comment
:: Music: the ataris - your boyfriend sucks
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
but in reality, it all came crashing down
it wasnt supposed to be like this
another dose of unhappiness
i gave it all
and managed to get shot down once again
so i got drunk
had sex with all your friends
you told me to never call your house again
(bowling for soup - emily)
god dammit, i hate it when thats so true.. took pills, had a 3some w/ his friends, and got screwed in the end.
ok. so its over. lucass didnt call me. and marcus wants emily (alt). that means i have no boys left. sure, there's elliot, but im not into him like that. and aaron, but hes into rikki. at least matt is here for me again.. talking to me a lot. that means more than he knows.
here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well:
*cough*matt*cough*
here's to the night we felt alive
here's to the tears i knew id cry
here's to goodbye
tomorrows gonna come too soon
(eve 6 - here's to the night)
and im going crazy about his marcus thing. i dont know why! i wasnt really into him that much. i kinda made myself be into him. like i always do. because i saw that glimpse of happiness when we kissed the first time... that little smile he had. when a guy is happy... *then* i am happy. i have to make people happy. and now that i dont have anyone to make happy, i am worthless once again.
im just so god damned pissed and frustrated. i mean.. god dammit. i cant even begin to explain. the 1st entry i wrote was so much better (before the computer spasmed and shut down).
the silence is so deafening...
is it me or is this over
as i got sober i watched you fade away
is it me or is this ending
as i was pretending i watched you fade away
(butch walker - sober)
i owe matt so much. i really do love that kid...
yea. time for a new group of friends. carry on the tradition of running away...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 26 December :: 2.10 am
:: Mood: tired. semi-cold. HAPPY AS HELL :)
:: Music: the donnas - take it off
tonight was the night of mad flirting
i.e. mle is in **heaven**
i talked to jason from rockford for a while. we've talked on a few random occasions, but havent seen each other in... shit, maybe over a year? a long time at least.
so of course we get into the whole guy situation. and i tell him how "im seein a few random guys". and how they dont know about each other and stuff. lol his reaction - especially from jason (who was a major player before his gf he has now) was just unbeleivable. he basically called me a huge player. but im not 0:) hey, one of those guys is a player himself so. yea. and plus, it makes me happy so its ok :)
What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla
walking std? um, no im not kate :)
me and lucass are talking again. just like old times. im so happy :) sure, hes on the verge of asking jenni out. but do i care? nnooooo. for a little while, hes all mine. and he will be tomorrow afternoon for a lil bit. just like old times. he'll play and sing for me, we'll chill and listen to random songs, kiss a lil, watch a movie and ill leave. and then i think we'll be over... for good.
unless i go to that party w/ him...
that could get even sluttier... ;)
october air reminds me of all the seasons of your love
and what it was like when we were together...
i know we talked about it
i just cant get around it
i just want one more night with you
(good charlotte - seasons)
and if plans go well, itll be lucass, fight club, a stack of christmas candy and a few bowls of weed tomorrow afternoon... then marcus and aaron and elliot and all those christian boys at night. and im definitely gonna make some moves then ;)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 24 December :: 8.26 pm
:: Mood: too much food :(
:: Music: mest - whats the dilly yo? lol cheerleading! :)
it doesnt even feel like christmas eve
mle3 102: ok, just so i dont feel weird when im with marcus, the whole "more than friends" aspect of us is over right?
ohhearyoume: yea
:) :( i dont know. but it doesnt phase me either way. i have marcus and i love it so. yea :)
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 24 December :: 10.03 am
:: Mood: cold, tired, happy :)
:: Music: boy sets fire - in hope
last night was pointless.
except for the cuddling :)
so quiet
another wasted night
the television steals the conversation
exhale
another wasted breath
again it goes unnoticed
please tell me youre just feeling tired
cause if its more than that
i feel that i might break
(dashboard confessional - again i go unnoticed)
me and rikki drove out there last night. but there was *nothing* going on. i was so mad. around 10, we finally convinced aaron to have people over to watch memento. eventually, me and rikki got our flirt on ;) lol. we're so cute.
marcus was being kinda quiet most of the night. but i think it was cause he was actually watching the movie. i dont know. the little things he does makes me feel like this isnt just a random makeout buddy. but then i remember- its me. no one can want me. thats just not right. i dont know. but im not complaining.
even if nothing ever comes from this, id still be happy :)
if it aint coming out
we're not goin anywhere
so why cant i just tell you that i care
cause im feeling nervous
tryin to be so perfect
cause i know youre worth it, youre worth it
(avril lavigne - things ill never say)
we've got this ongoing "i win" battle between me and marcus for a long time. well last night when we were fighting about it online, he was like "hey, you can join my team and then we'll both win" ;) yay for stupid little things that make me happy!
speaking of which... ive got his senior picture now. wohoo! :)
mle
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 22 December :: 11.17 am
:: Mood: tired. even happier than before :)
:: Music: incubus - stellar
last night = "i was just enjoying the body heat of others"
so yea. last night was muy fun. me and rikki chilled w/ elliot for a lil bit at his house in heritage hill. its way cool :). then we headed down to mitch's.
then the night got weird.
and muy bien... :)
there were quite a few people at mitch's, spread out throughout the main floor of his house. lets just say matt hit his head on the ceiling and ended up in the ER. and mle + rikki + aaron + elliot + marcus + one couch all night = orgy. :)
you look like youre lots of fun
open up your loving arms
watch out here i come
you spin me right round baby
(dope - you spin me right round)
so marcus. :) :) :) yay for marcus. and the orgy. and our lil kisses. in front of everyone :) but i think only a few people noticed only one of them. matt commented later. but im not going there.
i cant seem to figure out why im so flirty with marcus! like, yea hes pretty hot and i love his hair... and hes fun, and plays hockey ;) and is such a tease and playful flirt. which is so like me :)
im just enjoying the ride. maybe a litle too much :)
i just idolize you
cause youre a slut
and i think thats real cool
(rx bandits - teen idol)
hahaha. me and rikki are tied for guys weve made out w/. 14. umm only 3 of mine have been a boyfriend. 0:)
oh yea. and on friday night... lucass IM's my cell and simply says "i just fucked jenni"
no comment.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 19 December :: 3.01 pm
:: Mood: undecided.
:: Music: sum41 - still waiting
is this the end?
yea so. fighting w/ matt. for no apparent reason. no details, k? thanks.
and some updated info with lucass and jenni is gettin me ticked. i was bein way hostile to him in 4th hour. im sure ill hear about it later.
and a comment matt made regarding marcus (i told him that marcus, matt and lucass were all in my dream last night)... it makes me wonder if im just wasting my time. for some reason he thinks matt/laura is like mle/marcus. but the thing is, he *never* had even the slightest chance w/ laura... but does that mean i never had a chance w/ marcus...?
i dont know. im definitely not dying, but i am kinda bumming.
we were good as married in my head
but married in my head's no good
(weezer - pink triangle)
boys are stupid.
throw rocks at them.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 17 December :: 10.22 pm
:: Mood: happy. thinking. dreamy :)
:: Music: ataris - san dimas high school football rules
"one day youll hate me and 5 min later i can make you love me again ;)"
--lucass
*something totally unrelated that pat nyenhuis sent me after id "gone to bed"*
Nyener9: going to the basketball games made me remember all the great times we had last boys basketball season / christmas break.... call me one of these upcoming days.
*ha! right... i know im a bitch, but theres no way id go back to that...*
but me and lucass had a good, serious convo tonight about his girls and stuff. :) i got to tell him how i feel, about how i see myself as his #1 girl, but other girls get a lot of attention too. and thats cool. and how
"i dont know what will happen w/ me and you if you and jenni hook up". because, in all honesty, i dislike her so much that i really think me and lucass will kind of cease to be...
but he kinda wants a girlfriend. which blows my mind. he likes to contradict himself. and i called him on it.
oh hear you me: so if i wanted you to be my gf and i asked you tomorrow you wouldnt want to?
mle3 102: i dont know
mle3 102: its not happening so im not worrying
(after our goodbyes)
oh hear you me: i dont know why you think that i think so little of you
mle3 102: prolly because thats what i think of myself
(i leave)
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 17 December :: 10.28 am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: none. we're in the bad lab cause theyre upgrading the others to xp
im officially starting to scare myself
the little things. like the fuzziness of my semi-sweatshirt (which is somehow in dress code). and the way the lights align in the hallway and reflect on the floor. i dont know what it is. but i am extremely happy. like, for over a week. and im not in love. not at all. and nothing is going particularly good. i honestly cant figure out my reasoning for being like this.
maybe this is the way im *supposed* to feel,
and i just never did before.
no. i am way too happy. things that should be killing me dont touch me. i mean, im really starting to lose grip on reality.
or maybe this is just what it feels
to not be depressed. :)
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 15 December :: 12.02 am
:: Mood: over analyzing, i know. but im happy :)
:: Music: more dashboard. total chill out/ thinking music :)
yay for boys!
lucass was at his dads tonight. in kentwood. no fun. we were gonna use up his leftovers from last night and chill.. but that didnt happen. its fine.
alters and rikkay went to the hockey game. southside is *so* out in the middle of nowhere! we went to kevins to make pizza after... some serious shit went down w/ dad. like, bad. grrr... he was gonna make all 3 of us come home right then (745ish). but i managed to "mature talk" my way into 1130. we went to matts and chilled. we left like 1045, and i was still late. i guess thats what happens when u gotta drop off 3 people in totally different directions. they owe me. lol.
so marcus :) :) yay for marcus. lol i completely ripped his boxers! oops :) but it wasnt as bad as when bennay pinned me down and cut my new thong last year. oh well.
it bums me out that alters likes him too.. and rikki thinks hes hot too.. i dont know. it just makes me feel weird.
(car ride home, after dropping ryan off)
ALTERS: mle im really confused about you.
ME: por que?
ALTERS: do you like lucass or marcus?
ME: umm both. lol. me and lucass have had a totally retarded relationship for over a year... and i dont think marcus even likes me so.. yea..
*i feel like she implies im being a player/boy hog* (specially cause i had a 5 min convo on my cell w/ each of marcus, eric, and matt all while at kevins.. in between flirting w/ kevin and johnny dubs)
i havent even talked about a lotta guys i mad-flirt with...
i think im bein a major player/flirt/tease/slut... :-/
oh, and a crappy way to end the night.. im sick of walking in on my parents.
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 14 December :: 10.06 am
:: Mood: tired. happy.
:: Music: dashboard.... too early for anything else
as long as the rents woke me up to clean,
i might as well ramble on :)
yo. :) so im on my way out at like 530 and the rents say be home by 1130. i was pissed!
so i head over to lucass's... we watch a little simpsons. i talk to hil for a min. cutie :) cant wait till shes at west next year! but at like 630, adumb, luke kozak and a guy from cc (i think tony hawk...?) randomly show up. end makeout session w/ lucass. that was totally fine thoe. i just left for christian early. no biggie. :)
after the grchs basketball game, i went to a a big ass party. only a few were drunk, but there were a ton of people there... and i knew most of em! go me! lol. i felt awkward a few different times. i called kathay cuz i didnt really wanna be there. but i didnt really wanna leave either. idk. hopefully we get to chill today :)
so there was *MAD* flirting going on... w/ me and like 1/2 the guys there :) :) :) no idea how good that makes me feel! yay for lowcut shirts. lol jk. but seriously... thats what makes my night. i took ryan home - i havent really talked to him much (hes a soph) and hes pretty cool. alters thinks hes hot ;).
and marcus. yay for marcus. :) (cept he was flirting w/ megan at the game... grr no like megan lol). i made matt ride w/ me... i asked if him and marcus ever talked bout me. i figured no, but oh well. lol- now i think hes gonna bring it up today. :/ oh well. im sure he knows i like him. but i kinda wanna know if he likes me.... its been buggin me
and kevin, whoa down boy! wow he was tryin to be all over me! ive only hung out w/ him like twice! and johnny dubs was tellin me how he wanted ass from me. no. lol.
matt was scary though. hes so ungodly competitive and obsessive/compulsive about games.. him playing air hockey scared the shit outta me! i tried to get him to talk again at night (text messaging on my cell) and he wouldnt.. and i fell asleep w/ my phone in my hand. i hope i didnt just end our convo like that lol!
but i think thats enough babbling... im going to the grchs hockey game tonight. w/ alters i think. :) it was nice to have a night w/ those boys to myself. i know marcus thinks shes hot. but whatever. and erics having a party. hes been extra flirty lately too... idk whats up w/ that!
back to bed for mle! :)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 12 December :: 11.27 pm
:: Mood: happy. tired.
:: Music: none - network isnt working and all my music is on the other computer
"im high on life"
-kathay
lol. yup, shes retarded. but i love her. i havent seen her that fuckin happy in like... i think ever. :D <-- big ass grin. and so far, chad sounds wonderful. (ahem, hes not too old for you or tryin to get in your pants lol). yay for kathy.
and yay for boys in general. except the whole frustration of "i dont know if marcus is just bein retarded or if he just is too laid back to make a move" damn boys. :) too much fun. i love flirting ;)
and shit w/ lucass is so perfect. im back to the whole "it doesnt phase me that hes got a lotta girls"
lol - in yearbook today, brian was like "hey, whats up w/ you and kavanaugh?" and brad was like "no, i heard it was amy gately and kavanaugh" i just cracked up. they have no idea! ju was tryin to count lucass's chicks during lunch today. 2 hands. but according to lucass, only 3 matter. and i feel fine. as far as im concerned, im top on his list and thats all that matters.
and to be honest, hes not the only one who doesnt exactly want a commitment at this point. :)
PLUS *drumroll* i had a civil conversation with the parents tonight! theyre totally concerned with the dress code thing (3 dress code violations in 3 days... on shirts ive worn since freshie year!). and theyre so supportive of me and my whole anti-choffel movement. lol. but yea. its good to have gerald in a nonpissy mood. :) i think hes got a good chance at this city job... yay!
im so happy. time for bed! cause mle still loves her bed more than life itself! :)
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 12 December :: 10.31 am
:: Mood: cold. uncomfortable. (fuckin dress code) anti-west
:: Music: incubus - stellar
gerald doesnt give a shit about what *really* matters...
so we fought last night. over me going to washington dc for the march for life. hes not gona let me go. theyre being so fucking illogical that i couldnt stand it. i cant even talk about it im still so upset.
this is where i say ive had enough...
a walking open wound
a trophy display of bruises
and i dont beleive that im getting any better...
and this apartment is starving for an agrument
anything to break the silence...
dont be a liar
dont say that everythings working
when everythings broken...
im not laughing
youre not leaving
who do i think i am kidding?
(dashboard confessional - saints and sailors)
and stuff w/ lucass is happy again :) but idk. like, we were jokin bout the whole hump day thing. and i was like "yea, i enjoy making hump day a reality" and he gave me this whole "please, if i hadnt made a move.." so i was like "ok next time im gona rape u" and he told me how he would never let me go very far w/ me. thats good. very good. ive told him before "i dont ever want to be your booty call" (*cough* theresa *cough*).
maybe its just me, but i dont even like goin at it like he was trying to. id much rather we get a couple innocent lil kisses in and he plays "you gave your love to me softly" lol. :)
something ive been thinkin bout... matt is a good influence on me. <3 matt. like, last night i was lookin at the razor next to my bed. i thought of lucass and how its no biggie for him. we used to talk about it so openly (even in english class). but hten i thought of matt. and i said no. :)
and im really happy lately. except the whole west thing. im so pissed at school right now. and i mean, besides school and the occasional homosexual experience w/ the parental units, life is fine. matt is happy. marcus is flirty. lucass is very much pro-mle. im actually doing my hw. i realize i have friends. yay. few more minor improvements and im perfect.
and this is incredible, considering the fact that less than a few months ago, i was still ready to throw it all away.
but now its so much different...
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 10 December :: 11.34 pm
:: Mood: confused/frustrated (w/ boys in general and gerald
:: Music: weezer - you gave your love to me softly
boys suck.
throw rocks at them.
nOgARBAGEgOO182: idk. its hard to beleive a lot of the things u say when u continue on to talk about ur random girls
oh hear you me: i talk about them because thats what ive talked about with you for the past year
oh hear you me: because we're friends
nOgARBAGEgOO182: i know :)
oh hear you me: and i feel like i can talk to you
oh hear you me: if i have to start like checking what i say, then i just feel like ive lost something with you that means a lot to me
since i had to bail on sunday (issues w/ gerald) i told him id come over tomorrw. so i was just gonna skip the stuff i was suppose to do (and kinda wanted/needed to) for him. but after his whole "hey jenni is back in the picture.. now w/o a bf" information.. i decided id better not. i told him. and he kinda pouted/got pissy. i talked him back and told him i was startin to get jealous or whatever. i just get so fucked up. there are times, like tonight, when i want NOTHING to do with him! but then when i see him in school and he pokes me and passes me notes on my detentions during 4th hour... i realize im something to him. i just happen to have a lot of girls under me that also receive his attention.
to the worst part is... im still his best friend that he likes to tell his blowout parties and random girl stories to, but im also the chick he loves that he just cant seem to commit to.
dammit, stupid boys. :)
and marcus... ? what is this deal again? lol thats kinda all screwy too...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 9 December :: 5.59 pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: dashboard confessional
time for mle to vent :)
convo's and lyrics to share my frustration...
nOgARBAGEgOO182 = me
oh hear you me = lucass
oh hear you me: it is kinda weird that, one night i was kissing you, asking another girl on a date, and kissed a completely different girl the next day, and told you all about it
nOgARBAGEgOO182: yea
oh hear you me: i didnt realize how thats pretty bad until.... 4 seconds ago
i heard about the cool breeze in the cool nights
and the cool girls that you spend them with...
so kiss me hard
cause this will be the last time that i will let you
we will be back someday
this awkward kiss that tells of other peoples lips
(dashboard confessional - the best deception)
now your world is way too fast
nothings real and nothing lasts
and im aware
im in love but you dont care
(goo goo dolls - big machine)
oh hear you me: i cant say ive ever been in your position
nOgARBAGEgOO182: what do u mean?
oh hear you me: someone i really liked, and really liked me, but was too much of a punk ass to take me serious
oh hear you me: after i kissed you i had a :D on my face for a while
nOgARBAGEgOO182: ;)
oh hear you me: some thing i had wanted to do for a year or so
nOgARBAGEgOO182: i really hate you sometimes
oh hear you me: when?
nOgARBAGEgOO182: when you do stupid shit. and takeup my mind when i dont want you to
youre better off without him
dont call him
hes breaking your heart
(the ataris - your boyfriend sucks)
i know i shouldnt get caught up in this shit. i dont need to get tangled up in his abusing of girls... but im not like them. i mean something.
oh hear you me: you say i take up ur mind, i dont think u realize how you do the same to me
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
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