::
2002 9 November :: 11.59 am
:: Mood: still sleepy.
:: Music: incubus - pardon me (acoustic)
bloodstains, sore throat, smeared makeup
lost child
i dont know what i want anymore.
i forced myself to want marcus. but thats just not how it is. no matter how much i lie.
i fought with matt last night too. he was jk. i was serious. i can never forgive myself for some of the things i said to him in front of everyone. we act like we're married.
lucass. i dont know. thurs- we spent 2 hours sprawled all over each other in his bed. we have such a fucked up relationship.
nick... something about him just draws me in. but i know its suicide. its one of those "take advantage of me and tear me down" situations.
come on, abuse me more
i like it
(silverchair - abuse me)
some of them want to be used...
some of them want to be abused
(marilyn manson - sweet dreams)
i want to be taken advantage of right about now. i want some guy to sweep me off my feet and drop me on my ass, manipulating me while i fly through the air.
abuse is much better than absence.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 7 November :: 10.06 pm
:: Mood: tired. kinda stressed. kinda guilty (about pom)
:: Music: boy sets fire - loser of the year award
if you read this entry, you know too much
i will have to kill you
so i am a prime example of what you would call a "full fledged eating disorder". yup. im head over heels in it.
im completely used to the sore throats, headaches, exhaustion and dizziness. but ill never get used to the mesmerizing effect it places on me. but its not enough. i keep pushing myself. once i quit pom/dance, i can fully devote myself. fuck you. i dont need any of you. i only need myself.
im kinda losing it. but at this point, im willing to do anything and everything.
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 5 November :: 5.43 pm
:: Mood: disheartened
:: Music: dashboard confessional - places you fear the most
overcome with numbness...
today is the first time purging made me feel bad.
no, not "hey, im hurting myself this isnt cool" bad feeling, but the bad feeling of "wow, its pathetic that i have to resort back to this when i thought id given it up"
i cant stop thinking about it.
and my job situation.
and my sports mess.
and the mess with my friends and matt and marcus and just. everything.
im running on empty
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 3 November :: 6.46 pm
:: Mood: guilty, weak, tired, unmotivated
:: Music: avril lavigne - anything but ordinary
i need to repaint my nails
marcus. and sex/drug conversations at 3am. :)
food is evil. no more food. hurts too much in too many ways.
i have bigger and better things to do and be. no one can stop me. im going to reverse everything ive fucked up in the past few years.
dammit, im going to be perfect
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 1 November :: 11.13 am
:: Mood: squirmish
:: Music: incubus - drive
im mostly off grouding and its snowing
now all i need is for matt to stop hating me
mad stuff went down last night w/ matt. i had practice till 8, then i just drove around and visited kt and stopped by kathys for a little bit. no halloween fun for mle. which totally sucks bc halloween rocks my world :). oh well - next yr.
but back to the issue at hand.. matt matt matt. i have not the slightest clue what to do in this situation. ive been in it so many countless times. and i ended up gettin screwed into a relationship or a few makeout sessions i would have been thouroughly better off w/o. so many guys im just not even interested in. but i cant say no. if matt wasnt such an incredibly nice and reserved guy, id probably have let him take advantage of me by now. just because thats the way i am.
but this instance is different. some of the little things hes said to me, even as we argue every night, i never thought id hear from a guy.
theres one thing that sticks out in my mind....
mle3102: so just let it all out. i want you to hurt me.
mtrue2000: never
and he answered immediately. hes sincere about it. i know hes hurting. i crushed him. but it wasnt my intention. i honestly think if i were physically attracted to him even in the least, i would have completely fallen for him. of course, i cant tell him that. i can only cry that he cant see what i really think.
this guy is seriously.. idk. and now that shit is tainted, im worried about our friendship. im basically the only person hes open w/ and really talks to. and hes been there for most of my shit lately. he knows everything. i dont want to lose that. i told him if "we" get screwed up, im just not gonna hang out w/ that whole crew anymore. its just not the same w/o him.
but i feel so ungodly guilty and awful. i drove around for over an hour just tryin to clear my head of those thoughts...
mtrue2000: "youre the worst thing that ever happened to me"
(fight club)
..........
its friday night
whats goin on tonight?
ill see him later on tonight
(mest - cadillac)
^ best driving song ever. memories w/ pagers and kt from cheerleading!
i really do hope i get to see marcus tonight. now that i can go out after the game, i most likely will.. unless i end up at skelletones for phils gig. i havent heard his new band play yet.. but i really wanna chill w/ marcus.. hmm just gotta roll w/ it i guess!
how do you do it
make me feel like i do
(incubus - stellar)
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 30 October :: 10.19 am
:: Mood: quiet.
:: Music: 19 wheels - boomtown
i am wholly numb
fight with the parents last night. well, dad. over stupid things. i keep beating myself up over the fact that if i hadnt come home sick, none of this wouldve happened. i cant drive anywhere. i cant go anywhere. i cant go to practice. i cant be online (on aim at least). theyre probably gonna take the cell from me. i have to quit pom. they wont let me work during christmas break. i couldnt eat dinner last night.
i dont know. i feel bad. i was gonna go apologize last night, but i was too busy talkin to matt (secretly) online. then he was in bed by the time i came upstairs.
then i was gonna talk to them this morning. but they started w/o me. i could hear them yelling even over the shower.
(last night, while i was protesting his not calling my coach asap to tell her i was off the team)
mle: why do you stay, dad?
gerald: cause i love it when you hate me
mle: maybe i dont hate you
but maybe i do. i dont know. im just so entirely sick of this. i knew if things didnt get better or at least stop getting worse, i wouldve run away last night. i was holding off calling kathy until i decided. but they left me alone for an hour or so and i cooled off.
but talking to matt makes me feel guilty again. i got him grounded from the internet after 11pm lol. we're such nerds. but he was so pissed at me yesterday. he even took me outta his profile :( idk.. its like, i feel like a total bitch about the whole situation. i take advantage of him and lead him on, and elliot told him what was really going on. idkw2s or think anymore...
ive just got a lot of thinking to do
mle
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 28 October :: 10.57 pm
:: Mood: stressed, worn out, exhausted
:: Music: rufio - she cries
time just isnt on my side
mtrue2000: its just amazing how fast things can turn around
i dont know what it is lately, but time is just bein a bitch. and i hate it.
i also hate school. so much.
and not liking who i am. thats not cool.
but now that im done w/ my mini-bitch session, its off to bed. god knows im so unbelievably behind in that department.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 23 October :: 12.11 am
:: Mood: still dreamy. happy.
:: Music: smashing pumpkins - tonight, tonight
sleep is good, but better w/ a hot guy
hi.
so im talkin to matt..
mle3 102: hi :)
mtrue2000: haha hi
mle3 102: ive been really happy, as a general statement, lately. this is weird
mtrue2000: hey thats good
mtrue2000: any particular reason?
mle3 102: idk. in the big picture, when i have interests w/ guys, it always makes me feel betta, but as far as the here and now, im just tryin so hard to keep my head up and be hapy and its actually workin :)
and its true. i mean, ive had some bad shit go down, mostly w/ parents. a little w/ school. also w/ e.d.'s and controling myself. but hey, im dealing. im managing. and thats fuckin awesome. im finally pullin myself outta my grave and realizing its my decision how i want to feel.
im so damned proud of myself right now. ive got my head held high and my smile turned on.
and dammit, im genuinely happy.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 22 October :: 10.30 am
:: Mood: am i dreaming?
:: Music: hoobastank - ready for you
in my own little dreamworld
hi
im a space boy
i dont wanna be found
im a space boy
so stop holding me down
and id love if i never returned to the ground
(splender - space boy)
ive never been this lightheaded for this long in my life. like, excessively the past week or so, but consistently for months! this is just weird. my sense of reality is so unbelievably distorted. im disconnected from my own body. cool feeling, but its kinda... just.. a hinderance sometimes.
sometimes i feel the fear of uncertainty
stinging clear
and i cant help but ask myself
how much i let the fear take the wheel and steer...
lately im beginning to find that i should be the one behind the wheel
(incubus - drive)
yea. i can drive now. best thing in the world. :)
so yea.. im workin on gettin rid of valleys. they suck. and im sick of them. i wont let my parents master me anymore. i wont let my depressive tendancies take over my life. all i need to do is focus on what i have.
yesterday made me realize that.
so many people who barely talk to me said happy bday. you have no clue what that means to me. like, the world. something that simple kept my head held high through all the shit the rents gave me.
but fuck them.
theyre not important.
i am.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 20 October :: 12.08 am
yes i am back again.
i would just like to reiterate the fact that not only am i the most insecure and touchy person in the world, i am also the living scum of the earth.
thanks.
mle
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 19 October :: 9.30 pm
:: Mood: crying
:: Music: the offspring - the kids arent all right
i just need to get some stuff out
i dont know where to begin. i just cant stand to live in this house any longer. i cant stand to go to school any longer. im just in it to get into msu and get away from this god awful place. and i told my mom that. she knows.
it just flat out sucks here. the argument/tention level has completely skyrocketed since the ass lost his job and has been hangin around home the past month or so. its unbelievable how bad its getting.
and with my lisence on the line, im startin to really get pissed.
so.. monday is my 16th birthday. happy fuckin birthday to me. i wish i had never been born.
oh little butterfly no matter how you try
youll be segregated, youre gonna be closed off
youre callow and youre green
cause youre caught between
cause youre only sixteen
(no doubt - sixteen)
i just.. im so out of control. im this one minute, that the other. and its really screwing me over. example: i want to do so fuckin well in school. i want to be the genius i always thought i was. but 2 minutes later, i just cant get myself to multiply 2x8.
there is a thin line
between what is good and what is evil
i would tiptoe down that line
but i would feel unstable
my life is a circus
and i am trippin down that tightrope
well there is nothing to save me now
i will not look down
(papa roach - tightrope)
yea. my dreams are getting way out of my league. my head is so far lost in the damned clouds that i lose touch w/ the shit goin on down here. and it catches up with me.
the ass likes to keep me nice and grounded. and w/o a hope in the world.
i guess this didnt help as much as i thought and/or wanted and/or needed.
maybe its time to find a new outlet. im kinda running out thoe...
mle
p.s. oh yea, and those griffins tickets for thursday at 7pm (im still tryin to sell em btw lol) that i cant use.. well our 1st performance just happens to be vs. CHRISTIAN. fuck me up the asshole, please. it would be a lot less embarassing.
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 19 October :: 8.46 am
:: Mood: just waking up
:: Music: dashboard confessionals - a plain morning
yo
hi. i was "sick" a few days this week. got a lot of sleep. a lot of fucked up dreams too. like.. wow. lol.
went to the christian game last night. they won. wohoo. then a bonfire at some random chick's house. then coffee and meijer's :) lol me maria and gravs are losers.
it makes me realize how much i judge people thoe. how incredibly insecure i am. i was exhausted and went to bed at like 1230 last night, but i just laid there for so long. thats so not like me.
but i guess there kinda is a lot going on. my mind has been way wandering lately. between whether i really wanna turn into a partier, whether or not to bother w/ sports, what to do w/ school, friends, the way i am, secrets (especially other people's).. idk. just a lot.
and im ready for a change.
if you wanna be somebody else
if youre tired of fighting battles with yourself
if you wanna be somebody else
change your mind
change your mind
(sister hazel - change your mind)
yup and thats what im in the process of doing. yay for mle! :)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 15 October :: 9.44 pm
:: Mood: lost. faking sick.
:: Music: hoobastank - running away
where does all of my time go?
thats one of my biggest problems. where the fuck does all of my time go? i didnt get anything accomplished this weekend! sure, i passed my drivers test, went downtown and talked to ben (boss), and did like 1/2 of my english and 1/2 of my NHS essay. but thats it! i had a freakin 4.5 day weekend. im a f-up. massively.
my dad is so pissed at me. good. i hope he is. no i dont. i just want my fuckn car and lisence and get the fuck outta here.
im alright
im alright
it only hurts when i breathe
(greenwheel - breathe)
i gotta go.. bed is calling.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 13 October :: 9.23 am
:: Mood: afterglow
:: Music: unwritten law - up all night
ahh the morning after - whos shirt am i wearing?
i spared you from another drunken entry last night :)
so party down last night.
passed out on the basement floor watchin jurassic park w/ some girlies, w/ some random guy's shirt and lipstick kisses all over my face. *that* is the way to spend homecoming night.
the dance totally blew. idk. i just cant dance in heels and a big poofy dress when everyone was hatin on me and my date was literally over a foot taller than me.
but afterwards. party at my house. that rocked. i havent had that much fun in so long. lol my punk cd.. me and pager were just beltin em out. i dont even think that many people drank! but i never can tell when they do so..
haha.. jumpin on the trampoline w/ preston.. i did a front flip and totally face-planted. it was great. then i danced on top of the dresser and laid in the bed (that someone broke!) w/ like 5 guys. ;)
anyways.. elliot. man, hangin out w/ him made me want to party w/ him more often. hes such a cool guy. i dont think we kissed. idk why, but i kinda wanted to when he left. its e thoe. idk. lol.
yea. starting today. right now. just wait and see...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 11 October :: 11.48 pm
:: Mood: uh, drunk :)
:: Music: boy sets fire - the fine art of falling (marcus is in love w/ this band.. hehhhee)
i hate it when parents have sex.
that should b eoutlawed
hi.
um yea. parents having sex is not cool. its incredibly gross. but whatever.
hi.
idk if i had fun tonight. i did, but now w/o drinking. whoa. typing is fuckin har dto do :).
im a fuckin pussy. 2 beers and amix drink. i shoudl be straight. well, considering the fact that i dont eat.
hey. i just puked. wait. self-induced. doesnt count.
lucass... omg. idkw2s. me and him ahve th weirdest relationship in the entire universe, i swear to god. ill tell ya bout it sometimel.l bu ti hshould bust. you wont be able to read this, no matter how many times i retyp the damned thing.
nite. i hope i pass ot and die in my sleep
mle
go ahead. do it. |
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