... im not slowly killing myself...

am i?

a declaration to the world
i give up. i surrender.

im now prisoner to my thoughts, my "controls", my peers, my parents, my destiny. no matter what i say, what i think, what i do. its not good enough for me. its not good enough for you.
i admit it. im not good enough. i never have been. i never will be.

i am inferior.

there - i said it, i know it. now just back off. im not the prettiest, skinniest, most athletic, smartest, kindest, strongest, funniest.

i am nothing.

i accept it. ill never be what i want to be. dreams are so dear to me. they are what keep me here on this earth. but now, im giving up on them. im giving into the unseen force called society. i will never meet any of its standards and therefore im only a waste of food, water, space.

"you have to consider the possibility that god doesnt like you. he never wanted you. in all probability, he hates you. if we are god's unwanted children, SO BE IT." (fight club)

im giving in to you...

*mle*

i never thought
i never thought i would do these things...
i never thought i would do it alone...
i never thought id return to this "control"...
i never thought id be this weak...

*mle*

i think im gonna shoot myself in the face.

VENTING - no offense!
what the fuck?! what the hell is wrong with me? in 1 day, i get bitched out big time by a buncha people i previously thought liked/understood me. where did this come from?! i always *assumed* i was a bitch, but never knew how much it was true/how much other people really think it. even 1 of my good friends told me i could be such a powerful person but i have a bad attitude. what the hell is wrong w/ me?! im so negative, its depressing/upsetting, but the fact that other people catch on and hate it even more than i do is just unthinkably painful/upsetting. im so upset. i almost screamed in the car tonight. why the hell do i have to be like this, why do i have to act the way i do?! why cant i just be an innoncent, quiet, well-liked lil girl?! im never going to get anywhere in life because im such a complainer.... god, what the hell can i do to change it!? its so much easier said than done! i feel so helpless!!

*mle*

i hate myself. with a passion.

life is so not worth the struggle
shopping... teen girls are so notorious for hangin out @ the mall 24/7. i went shopping for 2 hours today w/ my mom and sister. i havent felt so shitty in a while. i forgot how much weight ive really gained... i disgust myself to the point where i cringe to look in mirror.
this weekend flew by. i wish i could just sleep for days and days. but it would never be enough. the blissful dreams (now turned frigtening) arent enough to keep my mind awake during the day. life is a colorless blob placed infront of me. i want nothing to do with it. it bores, disappoints, and completely wastes my time. its just straight up not worth the effort anymore...

*mle*

ah! i swear to god im 2 different people! im hyper-happy 1 min and super-depressed the next! less than 5 min ago i waz so happy. now im in the dumps, guilty, jealous and longing to purge...
why cant i escape this emotional thrashing?!

*mle*

dedicated to my "friends"
"Friends"

fabricating fantasies,
lying silently in bed-
reminiscing endlessly,
recalling whats been said.

i tell myself im fine,
that im totally alright,
convincing that its temporary-
a feeling for just tonight.

yet a voice inside calls out,
begging someone to please listen
as out of the corner of my eye
i notice something glisten.

all weekend long
i lock myself up,
my only faithful companion:
my empty coffee cup.

but this is my choice-
there *are* opprotunities,
but i choose one flaw
over many personalities.

i miss the good times-
those past blow-outs.
now parties end up
in painful tears and shouts.

so if they ever notice,
if they ever ask why,
ill tell them straight up,
without considering a lie:

i hate the bitching, crying and drama;
waiting for curfew to come;
i hate all your flawed perfection-
i hate what weve become

*mle*

just had a nice chat w/ my dad regarding my constant stress/anxiety/depression. and how i feel like 2 completely separate people. i actually feel a lot better now. only god knows why/how talking to the rents, of all people!, helped...

*mle*

my life consists of sleeping and staring blankly into space

im so envious of the world. im so frustrated with the flaws of the world. someone snap me out of this trance

*mle*

pardon my french
*by the way - some of the moods just crack me up - read through all of em sometime. great fun*

yeah so.. ive got major anxiety about college. i cant seem to find what i want and/or need. who knows.. i got time, right?

i feel as though my life is passing me by. "hey god, i know im just a dot in this world - you forgot about me" aint that the truth? im so caught up in myself that my surroundings are a blur.
im so damned selfish its sick. in my mind, i just say fuck the world. the only one i care about is kathy. the only one that cares about me is kathy. no one can hurt me, no one can love me. its all me. im sick of being so fuckin codependent. ive finally pulled out of it, and dammit, im now going to be fully independant. and as im most famously quoted for: "fock tha word, bicth!" (fuck the world, bitch)

*mle*

i wrote these in creative writing class last wed...


Polluted Daydream

slipping into oblivion,
i begin to drift.
contemplating dazily,
broadening the rift.

malicious mayhem
swirls all around me,
clouding up my skyline,
making it hard to clearly see.


Flavor of Life

bitter -
my world is starting to become;
sour -
from a mind that has come undone;
sweet -
as the melancholy ballad that i've sung;
salty -
the tears have only just begun...

*mle*

numero uno
1st time... i dnt evn no wht im rly doin here - chris got me interestd. but yea.. this site had me mad confusd 4 a lil whle there..

the past month or so its been just me myself and i. i hvnt wantd 2 hang out w/ ne1. its 2 much work 2 get up 2 rockford, and my west frinds r jst str8 up depressing/irritating. im stil ther 4 them and all - i luv em, but im just sick of putin up w/ the situations. 4 me, its jsut 10x eazir 2 hafta deal w/ issues w/in me thn it is 2 deal w/ issues w/ othr ppl. so ive just been secluded eithr here in front of the comp or chillin in my room, watchin movies or sleepin. its actually been fun. more fun than gettin drunk and havin sum big-ass, tearful talk w/ my frinds who nvr seem 2 pull out of their shit. dont thnk im insensitive 2 thr situaitons - ive been thru tons and tons of shit myself - but i no whr the line is drawn. i no whn i need a break 2 scrw off and party and have FUN. my frinds jsut dnt no how 2 do tht nemore. and i jst wna get drunk and dance and party like teens r supposed 2.

ive actually *wantd* 2 hang out w/ em the past few nites. fri, my 2 options both fell thru, so i wnt home aftr my game, upset. sat nite i drank a lil and went 2 hockey and watchd ap2 aftrwards, but it totally suckd! and 2nite i waz all happy bc chelsey, becky and kelly surprised me w/ a slurpee. but once agin, my plans fell thru. so here i sit, waiting 4 kathy 2 call me 4 the past 3 hrs or so. but nuthin. she ran off w/ steffen sumwhr. its not like we had set plans, but im still totally disappointd. it waz supposd 2 b a kathy-emily wknd this wknd, but we havnt hung out once. shes the only person i evn feel like i can b round nemore. evry1 else just upsets me 4 sum reasn or anothr. wow, im kinda a bitch, huh?

ah, who nos.. this wknd has just reinforcd my division from my previous life. no matr how much i hate myself, id rathr b w/ myself than w/ them