and the only word i can manage is *smile*

:: 2003 5 October :: 7.45 pm
:: Mood: sick. tired. lonely.
:: Music: matchbox20 - busted (acoustic)

. how . id . love . to . see . that . face .
. how . id . love . to . feel . those . arms .

well. another weekend gone.

after weeks of no sleeping, i fell asleep at 5pm friday when i got home and definitely did not wake up until 2 11pm calls, then went back to bed by 1am and got up at 8 for work.
oh yea - thats 13 hours. rock on.

but after 2 napless days, im cashed again ...
i cant win the sleep struggle.

spent saturday evening with marcus and the fam. brian just came home from alaska, so lisa and her boyfriend came home for dinner and such. lisa and i dragged our respective boytoys to a few craft stores after dinner. too cute :) then wandered back to marcus's dorm and had a long convo about lots of different things.
that was very cool.
i love that child. and i respect him more than i can put into words.
it amazes me that he puts up w/ the little things.. like the 20-min ride back to his place - oh yea, i spent the entire drive in a single-sided convo about what pro-life means to me and the disturbing reality of abortion. i get so into it.

and then today i dragged him to my family bday party and then to life chain - a citywide pro-life event. we stood on various parts of 44th street (and near the alpine/3mi clinic) with signs. get honks and waves and thumbs up. pretty cool deal. its always hard for me to read him though. i know hes pro-life and such... but his shyness (that i didnt even know existed until he confessed a few months ago) makes it harder for him to get into things that i think he should/he wants to. like hes got a very respectable voice. and i know he loves music. no band because even though he was in st cecilia's choir for years, hes scared shitless of public. its so cute. or his wussness about getting his eyebrow pierced. makes me laugh. when i turn 18 next october, you can find me in the tattoo places over in east lansing shoving metal into my nostril cartilage, at the very least.

but thats how we compensate for each other. we balance out. except the jealousy. were both pretty bad at that.

and its only been 2.5 hrs since i dropped him off...
and the mere thought of not seeing him until tuesday at the earliest, friday at the most-likely...
and i miss him :(

i dont beleive that anybody feels the way i do about you now...
there are many things that i would like to say to you
but i dont know how
cause maybe youre gonna be the one that saves me
(oasis - wonderwall)

no ... i know youre going to be the one to save me ...

mle

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 1 October :: 5.57 pm
:: Mood: weepy, divided, frustrated
:: Music: nine inch nails - hurt (inspired by marianna's xanga)

. tear . me . into . tiny . pieces .
i dont know whats going on. i thought i was better, but in reality i dont know. my life is so insanely packed that its running me into the ground. exhaustion is leaving me dead.
and sleep deprivation is leaving me with night terrors and its scary to the point of tears to sleep.

i had a night terror this afternoon that was so insanely disturbing. driving my taurus down leonard, which in my dream had only one lane blocked off. i was being careful not to hit the orange cones to my right, but i felt sleepy ... and then its a scambled mess of driving over the double yellow lines, head-on with a van, flipping and flipping the whole car in the air.
and im outside my car. im on the pavement. pieces of glass crunch as i lie under the lights. its dark, but there are bright lights. and i cant focus. i cant think. i cant remember. i cant see. i slip in and out of consciousness. was i sleeping? was i dead?

eventually, the details blur in my mind and marcus calls me, waking me up.

im scared shitless. sure, sounds like a freaky dream - until you think its REAL. they are so intense, so in-your-face, so extreme that i cannot convince myself i am sleeping. i am living.

things with marcus are still going well, by the way. friday we went wandering downtown and bought him some $2 dress pants for homecoming and hung out in parks and bought me a "wage peace" pin at vertigo. i had intended to stay home at night, but ended up w/ him, falling asleep for hours. waking up with my head on his lap...
we spent saturday/sunday out at msu with my sister and her boyfriend and friends. he had an awesome time, and im hoping its slowly convincing him to transfer there instead of gvsu.
had a few jello shots, fell asleep on my sister's roomie's bed, woke up in his arms. again.
:)

mle

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 22 September :: 11.10 pm
:: Mood: emo
:: Music: linkin park - numb

. collapse . from . exhaustion .

finally came home around 9 tonight. today was hell and a half. snap something at mom. she commentbs back. "im just exhausted out of my mind" and i just burst into tears.
literally.
gerald enters the picture, tries to hug me and i just run away. he says something about a doctor.

i cannot describe to you the insane happiness i felt yesterday and lately when ive been in marcus's company. things are really falling into place with us.
but today it just hits me. hard as a fucking semi plowing through my life. im still unhappy. im still stressed. im still sleep deprived.
im still a failure.

and no love can ever take away that painful truth.

and im going to rip out my ovaries and throw them down a garbage disposal.

mle

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 14 September :: 11.47 pm
:: Music: marilyn manson - sweet dreams

i hate how everything is so wonderful and awful at the same time...
and that i cant feel any of it because i am numb"
- yours truly

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 14 September :: 9.18 am
:: Mood: tired, cold, depressed
:: Music: broken sunday - lost in you

consuming my life

this is killing me. i cant avoid it or ignore it anymore. i cannot bear another lie to myself or to anyone else.
im falling apart. no matter how well i cover it up, no matter how intense my brief moments of happiness are...
im still depressed. and it is worsened by the fact that i work so hard to keep myself afloat , to keep myself from returning to where i have been. all that energy and work has been wasted. im still drowning.

and kathy, you tell me to be happy for what i have. yes, i have good in my life. but i cant appreciate them. its out of my control.

last night i was so sick, sad, tired (partially bc i didnt have enough to drink and my buzz wore off a few hours later) that i had marcus take me home from calvin around 1030. he stayed for a little bit to enjoy the air conditioning. anything to get him out of calvin. he is so miserable there and i feel so helpless. i fell asleep numerous times. i finally got him to leave around 1 - i just stayed on the couch and let him walk himself out. i dont know what i would do without him. this child is so amazing. i love him so much. he is the biggest sweetheart - and its not cuz hes whipped, and its not cuz he has nothing better to do, its because thats how he is. to everyone.

but in all honesty, aside from the fact that i *was* feeling nauseous and tired, i wanted out of there because of my body. i couldnt bear to sit aroudn them anymore. the feeling of my fat roll just disgusted me to the point of self-inflicted sickness. no lie.
i am consumed in this.. every second of every waking hour, i guarantee i am thinking about my fatness in some way. and that is no exaggeration. hell, i probably even dream about it. its disgusting - like i cant beleive i am this huge. its embarassing. its revolting. its disappointing. sure, ive lost a few more pounds and im down to my lowest in probably over a year, but no one can tell. i cant. and its not enough. 6 pounds is not enough. it must be another 40...

and the enfatuation will continue until i reach that point.

mle

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 10 September :: 11.29 pm
:: Mood: weepy
:: Music: good charlotte - seasons (acoustic)

mask me.

saw marcus tonight. still no couch to sit on in his room, and andrew (roomie) was there so we went back to his house.

last night i missed him so much. weird feeling because ive never had it with him. sure, ive wanted to see him when i couldnt - but mostly just when i was falling apart and i needed someone to glue me back. i *missed* him. and again this afternoon... just a stab into me. i just wanted to curl up in his arms and cry.

but once we got together, i reverted back to 6th grade bubbliness. wtf? thats not what i wanted. i wanted to get some of this hopeless desperation out. i wanted to cry.
and all that would come out were giggles.

along with uh, other noises.

all our lives get complicated
search for pleasures overrated
(fuel - innocent)

and now that im doing religion as independant study, i get out after 5th hour and have a good extra 20 minutes before grcc class than i had before. perfect time for a smoke break. but no cigarettes. and im getting the slightest feeling im slowly addicting myself to them... so i must stop. even if temporarily...
but oh how i want one to go smoke out on our new brick patio in the back - look at the stars between the tops of the big old pines and have a good, hearty cry...

mle

2 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 8 September :: 7.00 pm
:: Mood: negative. overwhelmed in an hour or two.
:: Music: alkaline trio - take lots with alcohol

how can they expect to me to function on 3 hours of sleep and a broken heart?

i hate school. it is so difficult for me to go through the motions when i fall apart piece by piece every movement i make. every day is a struggle. and when i mean struggle, i mean like a teacher i dont mind makes a comment like "youre pretty whiney today, emily" in a purely observational/conversational manner and i have to leave the room to contain my tears.

hanging out with marcus last night was pretty bad. the night before, i had mentioned going to see the sunset on lake michigan b/c ive wanted to since early-august. but when he picks me up, we dont do that. instead we go to steak n shake (which was the LAST place i wanted to be) and i watched him eat his gross food. i hate watching him eat - it disgusts me. so i talked on my cell to bennay and rikki to distract myself. then we went rollerblading.
no beach.
just like the last time they had a free concert downtown and i wanted to go down there and hang out, and we went to the mall (which he hates)
i was just so frustrated that he would take these things that i wanted to do so badly and instead waste our time doing stupid, non-fun things. i mean, i am so passive with him - i let him do whatever the hell he wants. a lot of the time, i still end up choosing simply b/c he pulls that "i just want to be with you and im happy" excuse. but still...

his empty promises are stacking up. and it sucks. bad. looking back at this summer and remembering the numerous things he promised we would do and then what we actually did... i mean, sure its just little things and im making a mountain out of a molehill - but what happens when these empty promises carry more weight than whether or not i had fun?

the entire time we were together last night, i barely talked. its hard to talk and hold in thoughts, hold in tears.
i feel like this child should be the one i run to. but i cant make a sound when i need to be heard. i dont want him to live with me this way, but i cant really control it. i cant eliminate that falling feeling. i can suffocate it, which has been my coping mechanism for a while now, but once the floodgate is pried open a crack, it all comes crashing down.

which basically happened last night - why i couldnt sleep. it cheapens my feelings that i bring most of this stuff up online. in here, with him. i cant get it out in the real world. i was with him for a good 2.5 hrs and i tiptoed around the sore the entire time.

i dont know. now im just babbling and making my head hurt. i dont want him to be hurt by me. i dont want him to think its fault that im so miserable. i just expect way too much out of people and live in a world of disappointment...

this isnt how i had planned it

mle

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 7 September :: 4.52 pm
:: Mood: overwhelmed. as always.
:: Music: broken sunday - lost in you

the harder i try to be happy...
the more emo i get

losing myself in this...

well youll never find it if youre looking for it...
rather waste some time with you
(the used - blue and yellow)

maybe i should give up the search and stop fighting this...

marcus hates calvin. hates it with a passion. hes considering going to msu at semester or next fall. otherwise he'll be at gvsu. let me be the first to say im glad he wont be at calvin much longer. their rules are ridiculous and i am so glad i am no longer applying there.

but now here is my problem... i want to get a degree in design - like web design or photography. but the schools i can get into are the academic kind - msu, u of m, etc. they dont have good programs (if they even do at all) for that kinda stuff. but the parentals have already stated they will not pay the tuition for the private art college in detroit that i really would love to go to. not to mention im way too intimidated to even visit there.

i feel like a monet stuck in the body of an einstein. well. you get the idea. im so hopeless and inexperienced that i feel i will never have the confidence to tap into the things i *really* care about. i love the arts. photography and music are something that are so wonderful... and i dont have the strength to get back into music like i did so long ago. and i dont have the faith in myself to pursue photography. i dont see a future in it.

but thats just my parents talking.
them and their over-critical, non-supportiveness of anything non-mainstream.

but im not mainstream. and i never will be.
i used to be only because they told me i had to. that there was no future in anything i loved as a child... and nothing i was or did was ever good enough for them. nothing.

but now i realize how conservative and narrow-minded they are. how ridiculous their expectations are.

well i will not try to reach those expectations. i live for myself now...

and i will not listen to them anymore.

and lately the closest to functioning i can be is collapsing in a heap and crying until i go numb...

mle

2 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 3 September :: 9.55 pm
:: Mood: pissed. depressed. general mess.
:: Music: no doubt - sixteen (itching to be 18...)

hey, lets waste my time.
good game to play if you want your ass kicked in.
early mornings, made by warnings
whats the point in the alarm that im ignoring?...
remember when we would hung out everyday
we would rather not be told what to do or what to say
cause nothing mattered...
whats a day when it all ends up the same
and lasts forever?...
i cant make time when nothings new
(sum41 - heart attack)

im getting annoyed with the redundancy in my life. every day is the same old shit. avoid parents. bitch at them. get pissed. blah blah blah. now marcus doesnt even return my damned calls. i mean, seriously. i can only see him on certain days cuz calvin is gay, and i wasted away tonight waiting for his call. 2.5 hrs of wastedness. and now im so unmotivated to do my homework and im just going to slip even further.

im slipping.
and i cant stop.

even when im happy...
im decomposing within.

theres something inside of me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming, confusing
this lack of self-control i fear is never ending
controlling, i cant seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in...
ive felt this way before, so insecure
(linkin park - crawling)

falling apart... falling apart...

mle

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 2 September :: 8.25 pm
:: Mood: waking up from 2 hr nap :)
:: Music: audioslave - like a stone

eventful weekend

i dont know when the last time i posted in here was... saturday maybe? but stuff has definitely changed since then. sunday there was a little bit of commotion in the casari household.
exploded on monday.

im starting to say what i feel, and because of my damned age, im getting punished ever-so-awfully for it...

ive still got my bag packed in my room. i disappeared after my class at grcc for a few hours, then came home and slept and now here i am. no one is home. do not care where they are.
i realize im burning my bridges, but right now, my sanity is more important than paying for college...

yesterday was the worst day of my life as far as family goes.

i mean, i only have a year in this hellhold left.. youd think id be excited for the light at the end of the tunnel. too far away still. june 7, 2004 is the move-out date, determined by gerald. i will still be 17, so im stuck at someone else's house for the summer till i haul my ass out to college.

- - - - - - - - - - -

i dont usually include quizzes in here anymore, but this has a reason...

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?
yes.. i have realized that i have *no* control. its so good that my access to alcohol is limited, and to drugs, its even more limited. im too lazy (and now cheap now that the credit card is not in my possession) to get either of them anymore. but w/ smoking and when other things are available... and sexual activities...
im becoming addicted - its my outlet. kinda disturbing how that all works out...

on a lighter note, sunday night was a good surprise. most random group of people and random activities ever. especially for a night i thought i was going to spent at home moping around. :)
and today marcus gave me another rose. that boy... always thinking he needs to give me a rose whenever shit at home gets bad. its like hes trying to represent the male species and keep relations smooth.
or maybe hes just being a sweetie :) i dont know what id do without his support (or that of other people who have open-homes for me) its going to be rough when he moves into calvin college tomorrow and i can be in his room only on certain days and certain times...

im crossing my fingers this will work out...

i love this child...

mle

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 30 August :: 9.01 pm
:: Mood: empty
:: Music: third eye blind - deep inside of you

should have knocked on wood

it seems every time i put a happy, content, enthusiastic post on here, i crash very soon after. maybe its just because of my emotional cycle. maybe its just because i count my chickens too early.

either way... today has not been fun. started at the end of last night. had to leave a party early partly cuz of curfew, partly because i was feeling tempted. met a kickass kid, jordan, who seemed pretty interested. but i know how my control is. removed myself from the situation.

today i killed myself rollerblading. like i can barely move my knee cuz of the hugeass bandage. spent some more time at marcus's.. even though i had stuff to do here.
and now i cant do it cuz im so depressed. i drove around and hung out by the river for a bit, but i cant stay there after dark so im back home.

all i want is to cuddle up in a hoodie and cry on his shoulder. hes not going out tonight either - hes too tired. i try to hint that i want to be with him, but he didnt pounce on it and after spending a few hours w/ him this afternoon, i dont want to seem obsessive - no matter what our conversations said about our mutual constant-wanting-to-be-around-each-other on thursday night.

and i mean there are 3 seperate parties that i *know* will rock and that i can go to w/o a problem... but im too empty for that. and been sickened all day. i hate my body.

i just... so disillusioned with the world. i cant stay here because im going insane w/ the whole parents-seperated-in-the-same-house yet pretend like its normal. well its not. and gerald's silence and madre's nagging is eating me alive. just fucking move out and get it over with.

ive got nowhere to go. i just want to sit and be depressed somewhere other than here...
maybe ill get the balls to invite myself over to his house :-/...

should have said something but ive said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste some time with you
(the used - blue and yellow)

mle

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 29 August :: 5.04 pm
:: Mood: successful
:: Music: thrice - all thats left

yesterday was one of the best days of my life

so i enjoyed my 2 days off school. just chilled, fucked around, CHOPPED OFF ALL OF MY HAIR (literally - its like and inch and half in the back and like 6 in the front). it rocked my world. i loved suspension.

then yesterday i had to go back in for a day before the wknd. every one loved my hair. like - people didnt recognize me and everything. i loved all the attention. marcus absolutely loves my hair :). ill get a picture up soon i hope. plus i didnt have any hw to stress over turning in - i was just getting my assignments from the past 2 days and taking 4 quizzes in english (shoot me lol). and of course i got to leave at 149 because my college class that normally starts at 140 doesnt start until tuesday. kickass.

come home, nap, food, hw (which all of my makeup stuff is easy and short), feeling super-motivated. wonderfulness.

originally, marcus and i were going to go downtown, but we ended up at the mall - of all places. i was losing my sanity and just blurting out weird things. as we were waiting for dinner at fridays', i could have sworn i was delusional. w/ anyone else, i would have been so embarassed, but it was funny as shit.
we ended up going back to his house and talking. no tv - wohoo :). his sister ahnna comes down and goes into a filing cabinet and pulls out a 1/5 of southern comfort and im like "thats still left over?!" haha so i take a couple shots and that just puts me over the edge of hilarious delusions. i made marcus cry a couple times from laughing so hard.
and we had really good discussions... between dinner and the end of the night. just let it all out and talked about us. made me love him 800x more.

ever since last saturday night when i confessed my detachment and remaining hurt... it has only gone up. like, majorly up. this week has kicked ass and i wouldnt change it for the world. (well, except for the whole wanting to rip out my ovaries and throw them down the garbage disposal)

i am so insanely lucky to have marcus.
he is one of the best things to ever happen to me.

today has proven to be awesome as well (minus the parental units existing and lil munchkin cousins bugging me right now)

i think its showa time and then party time :)

mle

3 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 25 August :: 5.45 pm
:: Mood: none.
:: Music: silverchair - shade

and final verdict is in:
2 day suspension, 2% off 1st quarter

1 month anniversary yesterday - marcus gave me a dozen white roses w/ pink edges. :) it was only the second time i have seen him in the past 3 wks, so i was so geeked about it :)

i felt kinda bad though, because the night before, i came clean about a lot of what i had been concealing. i feel so detached from the world. this summer of forced solitude has played with my mind in permanent ways.
i felt detached from him.
when i was not physically with him, i felt like he was nothing. sure i still thought about him, but i did not need him. i did not want to see him, to be with him.
but i knew that once i was around him, i would be back to normal. i would once again admire him, love him.

i think he took the whole conversation as me vaguely saying "i dont know if this is going to work"
but thats not how i meant it.

i definitely just wanted to get that off my chest. to tell him im still hurt by the way he treated me before this summer (what w/ the falling for all friends and use/abusing me). he kinda gave me the whole " i know this" excuse. but it hurts. and he'll never understand. hes never had to wait...
hes never been taken advantage of...

but now that ive at least *tried* to make him realize how it hurts, how it makes me push him away just like everyone else, i think i can finally work to bring him back into my life.
because right now, i have no one in my life.
and its lonely.

so lonely.

my parents arent sleeping in the same room anymore. gerald moved his clothes into my brother's vacant room and has been hanging out there all weekend.
the only words i have spoken to him in 2.5 days were "theres a message for you on the answering machine from mr young." and "yea - marcus got me those roses" (both of which were said 5 min ago)

i need to move out.
or some serious rebellion is about to occur...

mle

go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 20 August :: 7.15 pm

another new picture...

i hate the world.

why them?

2 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2003 17 August :: 12.47 am
:: Mood: cashed
:: Music: fuel - innocent

i think i enjoy smoking too much...
good thing im down to 6 cigs in this pack and im lazy when it comes to getting new ones :)

well i changed my picture. that other one was kinda creeping me out. this is one of my senior pic's that i ordered... well, cropped version of it, of course. i wish the size was bigger than 100 sq pixels. gunnie - if youre reading this - i would love it if you would make our pictures bigger :)

but anywho. ill probably change it again soon. my face is super fat in that picture. oh wait, thats just me. ugh.

http://www.angelfire.com/emo/mle3102

the rest of my senior pictures and my old picture from here are on there, along w/ other random goodies
feel free to check it out

mle

2 *smile* | go ahead. do it.