::
2003 14 August :: 5.38 pm
:: Mood: enthralled
:: Music: nofx - whoops, i od'ed (love johnny cherette for introducing it to me last night on his guitar)
g.i.f.t. days rocked my world
-btw: im not 100% certain on the definition of enthralled. i was looking for enthusiastic, but nonexistant-
just got home from 2 day senior retreat (growing in faith together). kicked ass. sure, i was tired and kinda grouchy in the late afternoon yesterday, but once the talent show got started... i love seeing booty and lucass on stage. plus johnny cherrette. and dyke. wonderfulness. :) then the whole open-mic around the campfire. very cool.
and the letters... got one from c-a about the situation that went down w/ us and marcus. i really dont care anymore, but she does. i mean, rikki has always been more pissed about it than i ever was (idk why cuz it doesnt even involve her). i guess i didnt realize that she is still getting over him...
not like i cant relate. the damned child falling for at least 3 of my close/best friends...
i have newfound respect for numerous ppl - specifically the boys. :) i hope this can continue...
plus i got to chill w/ lucass... i love him. he is so wonderful :) loved seeing him sing w/ booty last night. still gotta take up his offer of an acoustic date so he can play for me again :)
i love how when we were decorating pic frames, everyone put our theme on it or glitter/confetti or suns or cute things like that... he puts a couple globs of confetti and writes "W T F *_*" across the bottom in pink. and he gave it to me cuz i told him it was so typical and i loved it :) hehehehe
but words can never do it justice. just like how much i love outdoors - specifically mountains and water. or the *stars* (like the shooting one last night w/ full moon - so kickass!) :) but i cant describe it. just gotta feel that wonderfullness.
im definitely taking marcus to see the sunset in grand haven and then to the drive-in in muskegon next tues when he comes home :)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 10 August :: 11.19 pm
:: Music: incubus - i miss you *acoustic*
and its official...
i miss marcus
it was bliss - the independence, freedom, lack of technology stalking me...
it hasnt even been a wk... i have about a wk left...
and it just hit me: i miss him.
rikki's constant "i will not _____" (drive the seadoo, eat most of the food we had, go tubing, kayak, etc) this wknd really made me miss his love for outdoor-ness. hes such a hippie. and so easy going. and i love him.
and i miss his arms.
and his smile. and the goofy way he tries to dance to make me laugh. and his anti-war sentiments (as i read a vietnam book for ap eng and go off roading in a 2003 hummer outside the military zone by the cottage)
i still have his rose in my room.
i guess he comes back next monday night. i wanted to take him up to my grandparents' house on long lake and then up to mackinaw bridge, but summer is done when he gets home - i work all next wk, then its school for me. but maybe we can compromise and hit the drive in and the beach in muskegon...
what happened to miss independent? she realized she misses her dependency. :(
mle
4 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 10 August :: 10.26 pm
:: Mood: that cold, shaky calmness post-crying
:: Music: goldfinger - superman
i am so lost.
so here it comes... senior year... most of my friends and my boyfriend have all graduated, and i would do anything to have graduated with them. its insanely difficult to sit by and watch them live my dream as i sit in self-pity with my grounded summer of hell and struggle with my senior schedule of a million ap classes and 200-level college class, work, dance, possible sports, yrbk shit, experimenting w/ art/music (like i should have been all along), and attempts to get up north to the grandparent's and get back to nature more often...
and you cant see when all your dreams are coming true
oh yea - its easy to forget
oh yea - and you choke on the regrets
who the hell did i think i was?
(goo goo dolls - sympathy)
oh how i love that song... memories of that concert... good ole johnny rzeznik bustin out the acoustic. i am in love with any man who has a guitar and lyric-writing abilities. or even a smidge of his insight and romantic-styled observation. i recommend *anything* acoustic by the goo goo dolls. love them to death...
but anyways... back to my mess of i cant take this pressure-ness.
i feel like im caught.. caught in the what-i-could-be mess all over again.
images of the mle i have always wanted to be flash in my mind: cute little punkass in charge of everything, everything under control... independent, cheering (flying cuz id be little), back in gymnastics, writing kickass songs and performing them downtown in smoky little cafes, i would be *always* in love with marcus, parents would have their own lives and not try to live mine for me, established as a photographer and creative mastermind that i would be if i hadnt stuffed it down in favor of straight-scholar...
i wouldnt be a slacker.
i would be in control.
i would be perfect. i could be perfect. if i werent such an emo fuckup. if i werent so sleep-dependent. if i werent so weathered and disheartened.
if people believed in me.
last night up at the bear's den (hugeass cottage), i crashed - i watched trading spaces for 3 hrs instead of enjoying the campfire. then i was grouchy today when we had to move my sister between apartments unexpectedly. i could feel the negativity return to my blood cells...
aunt julie... the 40-some single alcoholic child... came up today for a few hours. made me want to cry for the person she used to be and made me want to drown her drunkass at the same time. her comment to me during lunch was so insanely rude and insulting... i cant believe she said that
"emily, i thought you were cheering. why arent you working out? girlie, you used to be skinnier than your auntie julie. what happened?"
wtf kinda question is that?
i was tempted to come out and say "well, you turn to alcohol. i was on anti depressants that made me gain weight 2 yrs ago, throwing me into a continuous abyss of bulimic hell, followed by some bursts of anorexia and compulsive-overeating. its kinda hard to lose weight and keep it off when you have daily struggles with eating disorders"
stupid bitch. im not even that overweight. if she wasnt so intoxicated and lovey-dovey-huggy drunk, i woulda killed her.
------------
im caught between harsh reality and my dreams.
im such a dreamer... hope keeps me alive, sane... but what happens when i can no longer dream? when i must choose which dream is reality?
god dammit. why am i such an emo basket case?
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 4 August :: 9.49 am
:: Mood: stuffed from ihop w/ stuss
:: Music: the starting line - best of me
last night was wonderful
so last night i got home from work a little early, took a nap, and had a discussion w/ the parental units. its biting my tongue the entire conversation. i cant tell them how i really feel: that i hate everything they stand for. that i want to disobey them just for the pure concept of rebellion, just like they want to dictate my life just for the pure concept of authority. fuck them and their rules. they mean shit to me. in a yr, ill be at msu and flipping them the bird. in 14 months and 17 days, i will be 18. then they really can kiss my ass. even better, when im 20 and graduating with honors from m-s-fucking-u, they can get the hell out of my life *permanently*.
no need for them, bc i will have no need to use them for their abundance of financial resources. the only reason im still living here is to suck them dry of every dollar possible.
and to reak hell into their meaningless, conservative little lives. go to hell you closed-minded small town band geeks.
so still grounded.
but ungrounded.
fuck them.
i called marcus right after we were done "talking" (or me "listening" to their unwanted, cheesy-ass advice) so he could come see me. i told him to go out and have fun w/ happy ppl. but he could tell i was still bawling my eyes out so he refused to let me sit at home alone.
he came over and we just sat in the basement. i hate hanging out at my house unless im alone or smashed. but i loved being with him last night. i dont know what it was - maybe the whole not talking to him basically at all since wed night, maybe because i needed him so badly, maybe because i dont want him to leave me... but i loved being with him. i was not sad at all. the moment he got there, my despair and hopelessness was gone.
he was like maryjane - i totally forgot what i was worried about.
i wanted to fall asleep w/ my head on his chest, i wanted to feel his arms around me when i woke this morning, i wanted to feel his breath on my forehead. i dont even know how i was getting so irritated w/ him last week. i feel like ive fallen all over for him.
weve fallen in love
its the best idea i ever had
today i fell and felt better
just knowing this matters
i just feel stronger
(the used - box full of sharp objects)
and now that i feel for him again...
he leaves for california on wed morning... :(
and comes back right before i go back to school...
but at least he doesnt go to school until early september...
then the jealousy will begin...
but im not thinking about that right now.
im just thinking about my marcus while i go take a nap in his hockey hoodie :)
mle
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 1 August :: 2.37 am
during a brief moment of consciousness on the couch, i caught onto a conversation between howard stern and one of the numerous girls claiming to be the "most downloaded"
howard: so how tall are you?
estrelle: about 5 7 or so
howard: and how much do you weigh then?
estrelle: 110
howard: yea - thats what a girl should weigh. 5 7, 110 lbs. thats perfect
i cant shake that line out of my head...
i cried.
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 1 August :: 2.00 am
:: Mood: drowning
:: Music: trustcompany - deeper into you *and* the december drive - this side youve never seen
how do hermits stay sane?
im losing grip on reality
honestly. all this groundedness is playing w/ my mind. tonight made me cry. everything tonight made me cry.
marcus is housesitting his grandma's till sunday, so he wont be online at all and our phones are fucked up. but this is what i wanted. oh wait, i wanted to have control - to tell him to go out, not to have him go do it on his own. to tell him i didnt want to talk anymore, not to have him not talk in the first place. im still pissed i forced him into this. i dont even think i want it. now that mike is back from mexico and back at work, i realize i dont know why im with marcus. and mark and brad from work make that feeling stronger.
marcus and i have such awful timing. the entire time i was totally admiringly in love w/ him, he was testing out relationships w/ virtually everyone of my friends he had met. this summer, i feel like he has no life anymore. and now that hes obsessed w/ me, i feel like its gone. sometimes i seriously consider telling him how i feel... its like when youve been in a serious relationship for a few months - when you get disillusioned and disinterested. except its only been a wk. in my mind weve been seeing each other for a few months, but i dont think he saw it the same way.
i dont know. but this sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks.
i dont even know when im going to get off grounding. and marcus leaves on wed - for 2 wks (he comes back the day before i start school)
school. fuck.
and i get my senior picture proofs back tomorrow. plus i gotta take my yrbk pic tomorrow morning - when im breaking out like whoa. grossness.
jesus christ. i just hit a wall.
and theres no one there to pick up my pieces...
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 30 July :: 11.07 am
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: the juliana theory - into the dark
hahahaha.
my new picture looks disturbing :)
ive been working w/ that picture (well, the original - which is a norm color pic of me and bp at the halloween dance soph yr) for like 3 days. i hate photoshop. i cant get it to save on my angelfire site, even after i discovered how to switch it from a .psd file back into a jpg. grrr.
anyways - its really cool when you see the original compared to the edited one i did. makes me proud :)
but im dying here. going insane. sure, i have 2 books to read for ap english and the entire JA economics book to do in the next month, plus cleaning my room, fixing my site, and finishing up a project for gerald. but groundedness sucks my asshole. not only that, but not working. work gives me worth, and im only working every other day from now until the end of summer. and that sucks. so bad. specially cuz every day i work, they seem to have to close the pool. dammit. fuck this.
im falling apart. piece by piece.
i went from perma-happiness during/right after spain to perma-unhappiness.
i cant stand this. i dont even know how long im going to be grounded - gerald is out of town until saturday. then we can talk.
all i want right now is to be sitting in my favorite spot down by the river, smoking a marlboro light. just all alone. preferrably at dusk. only the river would have to witness my tears...
but i guess i wouldnt mind having marcus sitting behind me w/ his arms around me. that could be a nice bonus. even though ive done it once before, i dont think id have the balls to smoke in front of him now.
if he comes to visit me tonight, i might ask him to buy me a pack... idk how that would go over though. but ive never abused his ripe-old age of 19 in the entire year ive known him. i should do that. but then again, hes never really utilized his age either. ive only known about 2 packs of cigarettes that hes bought, no porn, no lottery tickets, no voting, no new piercings. ok so he goes to r movies and can drive anytime. thats the 2 privelages he abuses that i cant.
ok mle. youre getting away from the point.
and this is where i lose myself. parents want me to talk to them. never.
marcus wants me to turn to him. i think hes going through enough shit putting up w/ me.
and there are a few other random ppl who, if they knew how i was feeling, would be mad i didnt come to them.
but no one can really help. i dont know how any of them could.
they cant change my situation. they cant control my mind, my life, my capabilities.
they cant make me love me.
mle
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 29 July :: 9.28 am
:: Mood: waking up
:: Music: AFI - i wanna get a mohawk (but mom wont let me)
*smile*
last night marcus brought me over a highlighting cap from his dad so i could use it to put blue streaks in my hair.
and he brought me a rose. :)
ive never gotten flowers from anyone besides gerald when he screwed up or after dance recitals. and marcus is the last person i would expect to get it from. hes so non-material-ness. and all of a sudden, hes like spending money on me and its weird.
ill just have to take him out when i finally get off grounding (whenever that is) to repay him :)
mle
http://www.angelfire.com/emo/mle3102/marcus.htm <-- this made me crack up - but hed kill me if he found out i showed it to anyone 0:) hehehe
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 28 July :: 9.45 am
i hate my parents with the fire of a thousand hells.
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 27 July :: 7.43 pm
:: Mood: chillin
:: Music: our lady peace - innocent
i enjoyed my freedom
all 48 hours of it
oh yea - got grounded again yesterday morning.
see, i spent the night "at rikki's dad's" but i had to be home at like 10am. i called to try to get an extension (cuz i was feeling like hell) and eventually they figure out im not where i said i was. so i make up a bigger lie. doesnt matter cuz they dont beleive a word i say.
so im sitting on the floor of my boyfriend's bathroom as hes trying to move my car out of his garage w/o cal (their friend working on their kitchen) noticing so i can sneak out. i stand up and start to grab my stuff and i feel like im gonna die. i go to throw up and end up passing out instead, just as marcus walks back into the room. he starts flipping out - thinking something serious is wrong (when im sure i was just dehydrated).
its like he was back in freshie yr when his dad had 2 strokes and he had to carry him downstairs and to their car.
and since my parents know im caught in a lie, i have to get the hell outta there. so like 3 min after i faint, i throw up and then have to drag my ass out to the street by myself and drive home and go out to eat w/ a nonstop-talking old lady for 4 hours.
great timing for a hangover.
but the night before was worth it. just chilling until 330 (at which time the rockford boys called, blown out of their minds, looking for a booty call hahaha). believe it or not, thats only the 2nd time ive ever drank w/ marcus. and ive never smoked with him. we always talk about it, but never do it - something that pisses me off. lol the other time was new years at aarons when we took shots of 151 out of those little dixie cups in the bathroom w/ e. hahaha.
got another save today at work. in the diving well, too. go me.
i think im gonna go make him some more bracelets to make up for being a suck-ass grounded girlfriend and maybe even break out the guitar if im feeling extra patient :)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 25 July :: 5.33 pm
just got home from msu honors college info all day.
got my mind totally off everything at home - first time since spain.
and i decided im an ungrateful little bitch.
im going to be happy for what i have and enjoy the company of my boyfriend's empty house tonight :)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 25 July :: 6.47 am
:: Mood: recollecting
:: Music: default - i live a lie
and the 7+ months of waiting are over
so after all my demanding and frustration, its official.
"i dont care what happens in the future, i want to be with you"
but this came after the fiasco of wed night - marcus "went to bed" at like 130 and me and matthew stayed up till 4. i was so insanely pissed off. i was just dumping it all on matthew and playing devil's advocate to myself. "maybe it was just the thrill of the chase." "now that im sure im getting what ive wanted, i dont know if i really even want it anymore" "ever since he went up north, ive realized i really dont need him. im fine without him. so if he cant commit, thats fine - hes out of my life" the things that came out of my mouth...
matthew was pissed.
he thought i was the most evil, stupid, ungrateful person in the world.
and the next day (yesterday) i had cooled off, w/o mentioning any of my anger to marcus himself. i still dyed my hair just for the effect of having-been-pissed, as tradition goes :)
but once i figured out what marcus had done while i was burning up my ties to him, i got so pissed i didnt even want to see him at all. after he broke off our convo, him and laura went out and then picked matthew up for breakfast later after i had gone to bed. fucking laura - since ive been in spain, shes gone out w/ marcus a lot and basically took over my friendship w/ rikki. she might as well be me, cause shes def taken my place.
and she ruined my day of freedom. fuck her - if she wasnt as nice as she is, i would kick her ass in.
she takes rikki to the beach, so no rikki for me.
then the night before, she keeps my boy up all night and then sends him off to work, so by the time i get to our planned events, hes too impatient for me to fix his mohawk and so cashed that he falls asleep during pirates of the caribbean (which i guess doesnt matter cuz laura had taken him, rikki, and matthew - yes, my best friends - to see it while i was in spain). then we got back to his house at 11. groomsie calls and wants to know what im up to - obviously i cant tell him i need a drink in front of marcus. so i give up that opprotunity. marcus falls asleep again and i leave at 1115.
so no drinking. no smoking. no fun.
what a way to spend my 1st day of freedom.
thanks for sleeping instead of celebrating w/ me, asshole.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 24 July :: 2.17 am
:: Mood: frustrated and apprehensive
:: Music: incubus - mexico
"I had a hole in my heart so I threw away my plate. Because nothing filled me up no matter what I ate."
things are shaky between marcus and i. i try to push him away, and end up kicking myself for not. ive given him way too much time to think about what he wants, and its not fair to me. i get off grounding tomorrow, so after we both get outta work were supposed to get together and chat.
i hate waiting.
i dont know what the hell is going on. i was so happy for so long, then i got sick of the groundedness on sunday and it all just went to shit. like my world caved in. im so insanely disappointed in myself for everything.
marcus has the house alone fri/sat. he wants me to stay with him.
i think thats a hint that hes decided to commit, but who knows with that kid.
but what i do know is, if he still hasnt made up his mind when we talk tomorrow, im going to ask. right there. on the spot. i want an answer.
if the answer is no, then to hell with him. since he went on that kayaking trip last wknd, ive realized im totally fine w/o him.
and if the answer is yes...
i guess ill just roll with that one and make him make it up to me for putting me through all this bullshit.
now that im finally free, i dont think im up for anything but intoxicating myself into oblivion.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 18 July :: 9.57 pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: rx bandits - analog boy
first time i have ever had a clear cut emotion enough to use one in the list
day off work. after 2 *hot* 11-hr days, i definitely deserved it. i still have had only 1 day all summer in which i didnt do anything w/ work. (i had to go see my boss downtown today) im such a slave for gr parks and recreation. but i love it. i love working for them and i wouldnt trade it for anything (even a job at pac sun)
still grounded - ms coste called and filled in my parents on more dirty details (some of which were not accurate.. grr) including my belly piercing. they made me take it out. and i put in a new one later 0:) hey - ive got 4 barbells total - if they somehow confiscate all of them, dammit im putting a safety pin in it. its my fucking body.
but anyways - bc of that whole fiasco 2 nights ago, marcus couldnt come visit me last night before he went on a kyaking trip to lake superior this wknd. so i snuck outta the lifeguard competition last night and saw him for a little bit :)
then today i picked up rikki and we went shopping - 4.5 hrs and $150+ worth of shopping. muhahaha - thats the best revenge for my parents: wasting their money. the day i graduate from college, im gonna go off at gerald, but until then, i have to at least somewhat restrain myself so i can suck him dry (money-wise, you pervert). :)
i cant even count how many times ive broken this grounding. i love driving privelages.
tonight my sister and her bf eric were home bc she got her wisdom teeth out, so i tried on all my senior picture stuff. it feels so wonderful to have them all planned out (except my jewelry isnt final). i still am dreading tuesday to no end. im a big fat mess. pictures are not always my friends. the only reason im taking them now is cuz we get a deal in july - and bc im going to an awesome photographer, its gonna cost a lot.
but anyways - im very close to being all set w/ that shit.
its sad when a big part of my motivation w/ going through w/ this senior picture thing is so marcus has a good pic of me to put in his wallet and show off to everyone like i did w/ his all last yr :)
but it feels good to get a break from marcus. no matter how much i love that child, i hope his phone doesnt work from wherever up north he is - i want some space for a couple days so i can appreciate having him. none of this "hey lets see each other every day, even if i cant stay longer than it took to drive there" shiznit.
room to breathe is wonderful.
now i just gotta get the chocolate/makeup out of marcus's hoodie, clean my room and my new mousie home (marcus bought me a replacement mousie - pretty princess - shes the smallest thing alive) and ill be all set for productivity today :)
mle
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 14 July :: 5.00 am
:: Music: good charlotte - wondering
carpe diem
(genesis reminded me of this wonderful philosophy)
seize the fucking day.
i am so insanely lucky, i dont know how i can be so blind.
life is so wonderful - let me just go potty and get some chapstick for my sunburned lips and i will be perfect.
what on earth did i do to deserve this?
time to go have sweet dreams *of* reality (not to escape it) :)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
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