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2005 22 March :: 8.00 am
I got accepted into NYU Freshmen in Florence program, one year in the Italy campus, one year in the NYC campus, then guaranteed junior acceptance into the College of Arts and Sciences.
15 shot darlings |
bang bang |
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2005 19 March :: 12.12 pm
Please save me from myself, I need you to save me from myself, please save me from myself so I can heal...
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2005 16 March :: 9.14 am
:: Music: Driving Rain - Vanilla Sky
"And the day I became young again, I felt the empty place that threatened to engulf me fill with possibility, and I called it 'My Neverland', and it kept me alive, so filled as it was, when I swore the world was not worth living for... ...And the ghost of my past died away with my memories... ...and the ghost of my future is at sixes and sevens... ...and the ghost of my present frolics in Neverland, points me towards the oceans... ...I do not live for this world, I live for its possibilities; and you are one of them."
bang bang |
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2005 14 March :: 8.07 pm
:: Music: Depeche Mode - Waiting For The Night
And so it ends. How so? Like this:
The end.
Thanks again, Danielle.
7 shot darlings |
bang bang |
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2005 14 March :: 7.20 am
Global Domination
This morning, I had an epiphany. I don't really want to do anything. When it comes right down to it, I'm not extremely motivated to reach a goal because I don't really have one. I just have a list of things that people want me to do, and I chose the one that's most convenient for me.
I would like to do big things, but in reality, I just want it to happen. I'm not energetic enough to actually do anything about it. I'd much rather the world just realize on its own how stupid it is and straighten itself out than have to pursue college, a masters degree, a PhD, a career, and grab it by the balls until it squeals that it'll do better this time, it promises.
But ah well, what needs to be done needs to be done. Make friends with me now, because when I take over the world, I'm going to do the things everyone else is too scared to do.
9 shot darlings |
bang bang |
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2005 13 March :: 7.38 am
:: Music: Dave Matthews - An' Another Thing
Rain
Rain for me oh you but called me
It’s my broken heart just where you leave me
Now I say to you, “ooooh boy.”
Weight on my head
You won’t go up, oh
Weight on my head
Oooh ooh my babe...
Stay a minute just to hear you waitin’,
And no one confine her
Sweet and tender won’t you go out again?
Oh, rain on my head
Wouldn’t you
Rain on my head?
Oh, someone take off a
Weight all alone
Ahh, I met a girl recently.
All in a sudden, all a suddenly
Nobody deal for the woe of the world
Wait, all a sudden, all a suddenly
It will all would be, all would be over
Wait, come on rain on my head.
Water water!
Dates,
Many, many dates how you all die.
Oh rain money,
Grow a war at heart
And in the fire,
One out of a million.
.. wait a minute,
Touch your look on me
Denial, denial
Touch your work with me
Do not deny
Rain on my head
Rain on my head
Rain on my head
Rain on my head
5 shot darlings |
bang bang |
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2005 11 March :: 6.09 pm
Life expectancy is mine, Doctor. I'm not a medical miracle, I'm someone who doesn't believe in your medicine. And I don't want your drugs anymore.
I will not die here. I will not die now. I will not die in a hospital bed. I will not die drugged so that I wouldn't feel the pain. I will not die alone. I will not die sick. I will not die of old age. I will not die before I live. I will not die until I am good and ready to. I will not die before writing a book, before seeing Niagara Falls, before becoming a parliament member. I will not die before I learn to fly. I will not die until I go down in history. I will not die divorced. I will not die wanting something.
AND WHEN I DIE I WILL DIE PROUD AND COMPLETE, AND I WILL BE A WHOLE PERSON WHO HAS LIVED AND LOVED AND TOUCHED LIFE. I WILL NOT DIE A NOBODY THAT WAS DEFEATED BY HER OWN HEART. THIS IS MY BODY AND I WILL MAKE IT LIVE AS LONG AS I NEED IT TO. AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE, BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO.
3 shot darlings |
bang bang |
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2005 10 March :: 6.00 pm
Karma. Should've known.
Ever have an epiphany where you realized that you just can't get away with it? You just can't. You can't get away from what you've done, and you can't leave your past in your past. And you can't pretend you're over it because it's just pretend and it's not over you either.
And the book says, "We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."
5 shot darlings |
bang bang |
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2005 9 March :: 10.05 pm
Toss me up in triumph.
Let me down in let down.
I think I'll live,
But I won't like it.
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2005 7 March :: 8.17 pm
It's Women's Day tomorrow...
The argument on whether man or woman is most valuable reminds me of the argument about the chicken and the egg, and frankly I'm sick and tired of both arguments. I can say all I want to say about how men are better because they can do this, and women are better because they can do that, and how one can't survive without the other no matter what, but at the end of the day, neither side is gonna hear what I've got to say about the opposite side. You just want to hear me talk about you, and you want me to get done fast so you can talk about you.
But I am a woman, and nothing can change that. It's not my body that makes me a woman, it is my soul and my mind and my heart, and I wouldn't trade off any of those things for the world. I might as well sell my soul to the devil because I'd just as soon sell my heart and my mind. I have no intention of doing any of it, because I am a woman, and that's how I want to remain, with or without your consent.
And when I tell a man, "Hey you, treat me how I want to be treated," he says, "Woman, you're crazy! But if you wanna be treated like a man that's how I'll treat you." And the women, they all say, "Yes! Treat me like a man!" and the men will beat on them and they will hurt them and they will steal their money and they will leave them, because that's how men treat other men and that's how women treat other women because that's how people treat people. And when it happens women say, "But I'm a woman, and a man that beats on a woman is no man at all!" But you just said 'treat me like a man' and he gave you what you wanted. But that wasn't what you wanted.
You say "I have the grief of men, I have to work and slave and pay the bills and look after my children and then the men will give me none of their perks." You like to say, "I can do anything that a man can do!" Well when was the last time you heard a man complain about doing all the things that women do and getting none of their perks? There are no perks! You get the perks of being a human being, not the perks of your reproductive organs.
I am a woman, and I don't want to be treated like a man. I am a woman and I can run and jump and I can play sports and I can dance and I can make men fall in love with me and I can work and I can make money and I can walk in high heels and I can cook and I can clean and do the laundry and I can walk and I can saunter and I can cheat and I can steal and I can lie and hurt and I can beat on other people and take away their love and I can break a man's heart and I can do all those things because I am a woman. I don't do anything 'in spite of' being a woman, I do them because I am a woman, and you will treat me as such.
I am not a doll, I am not a baby, so don't call me 'baby doll'. And if I sell my body to you don't think I'll sell my soul. And you say you just want to know, you say, "You want the right to vote?" And I say, "You damned right I do, and if you're not gonna give it to me I'm just gonna take it because I can, and I will. Treat me right because I won't let you treat me any other way." And if man says, "Woman, you're crazy! But if you wanna be treated like a man that's how I'll treat you," you turn right round and say, "No, you fool, you will not treat me like a man. You will treat me like a woman because that's what I am."
4 shot darlings |
bang bang |
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2005 7 March :: 9.31 am
Arab poet Amal Dunqul -
*O sacred Seer..
I came to you.. covered in wounds and blood
Crawling in the coats of the dead, and over the piled bodies
Sword broken, dusty brow and limbs
I ask you, Blue..
Ask your ruby lips of your virgin prophecy
Of my disconnected fortune.. and it still grasps the broken banner
Of the pictures of children in helmets.. strewn across the desert
Of my neighbour who is only concerned with sipping water..
And a bullet pierces his head.. at the moment of contact
Of the mouth stuffed with sand and blood!
I ask O Blue
Of my lonely stand between sword.. and wall
Of the scream of women between captivity.. and escape?
How I carried the shame...
Then walked? Without taking my life? Without falling apart?
Without my flesh dropping.. from the dust of infected sands?
***
O sacred Seer..
Don't be silenced.. I have been silent year upon year..
For peace
I was lost in the slaves of Absin gaurding the herds
Sheering their wool..
Returning their cries..
Sleeping in the barns of forgetfulness
My food: nuts.. and water.. and some dry dates
And here I am in the hour of war
The hour of clashes of riders.. and shooters.. and knights
I was called to battle!
I, who have never tasted lamb..
I, who have no importance and no power..
I, who told stories to younglings,
Called to death.. yet not called to the deciding council
***
O sacred Seer..
What good do miserable words do?
You told them what you did about the caravans of dust..
And they accused your eyes, O Blue, of failure!
You told them what you did of the army of trees..
And they laughed at your babbling imagination!
And when they were surprised by the edge of the sword: they traded us..
And sought survival and escape!
And we, the wounded of heart,
The wounded of soul and mouth..
Nothig remains but death..
And wreckage..
And destruction..
**And the scattered boys crossing the last of the rivers
And women driven in chains of captivity,
In clothes of shame
With bobbing heads.. they have nothing but miserable screams
Here you are O Blue
***Alone.. and blind!
And the love songs exist still.. and the lights
And the caravans.. all fancy.. and the fashion!
Where can I hide my deformed face
So as not to disrupt the hidden.. foolish.. purity?
In the eyes of men and women?!
And what about you, O Blue?
Alone.. blind
Alone.. blind
*"Zarqa' Al Yamama", or "Dove of Blue" is an old Arabic legend about the woman, Dove of Blue, who could see things at a great distance. One day she told her village that she saw trees coming towards them at a three-day distance. Her people laughed at her and said, "Obviously your eyes are failing you at last." Three days later, the village was attacked, half of them slaughtered in their sleep.
**The scattered boys are the Palestinian children fleeing from the occupying armies.
***Blue's eyes were gouged out by the enemy when her village was attacked.
These are selected segments of an Arabic poem. This translation does it no justice.
bang bang |
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2005 5 March :: 10.43 am
:: Mood: disgusted
:: Music: Annie Lenox - No More 'I Love You's
I won't tell you what happened,
but I will tell you this...
It's not sweet, it's not romantic, and no, I don't beleive in love at first sight. And if any small-dicked pimp-daddy wannabe loverboy ever comes up to me again telling me how he's loved me the moment he set eyes on me, I'm gonna shove his genitals so far up his ass he'll be blowing them out his nose.
No one is ever allowed to use the word "love" on me ever again.
2 shot darlings |
bang bang |
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2005 28 February :: 11.36 am
Fuck me sideways and turn me to pudding.
Kill me.
bang bang |
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2005 24 February :: 10.35 am
Hello! We are alive! We are fine! Diubai is awesome! WE LIVE IN A FIVE STAR HOTEL WOOHU! *throws herself at suede headboard*
Andy says:
*As ToTo repeatedly throws herself at the headboard*
I'll update my own journal, thank you very much.
I MISS YOU, WOOHU-LITES!
2 shot darlings |
bang bang |
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2005 21 February :: 1.39 pm
The Devil's Concubines
"Have you ever cried you were so happy?"
Read more..
2 shot darlings |
bang bang |
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