:)

:: 2014 30 May :: 10.51am

I'm so proud of myself for getting my homework done on time this week :) hopefully it's a trend I can keep up on bahahaha I need to be more serious

It's finally motherfucking Friday!! Even though this was a short week, it still has felt like it dragged on forever. Every day felt like one day ahead, so it should be Saturday! I almost didn't come in to work today, since bed was just so nice. Haha

But I've been so on task this week! I've gotten all my work done, I've been on top of things. I just feel good. Other than assholes at work haha

I want some sushi god damnit.

:: 2014 28 May :: 5.15pm

Everything is so small here.

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:: 2014 23 May :: 6.38am

I'm getting really fucking sick of being treated like a child and being taken advantage of.

I'm really fucking tired of people treating me like shit and then expecting me to continue being nice and like them.

I'm tired of people doing fucked up shit and not expect damage to happen.

I AM SO FUCKING TIRED.

:: 2014 22 May :: 9.53pm

Do I say things in an extremely condescending manner? If yes, how frequently would you say I'm condescending?

Would you say I'm supercilious towards my friends?

Please be honest.

:: 2014 19 May :: 11.14am

I love getting a clean bill of health :)

:: 2014 16 May :: 3.16pm

I've decided I love growing plants. Every morning I am so sxcited to see how all of my plantlings are growing, seeing their real leaves star growing, watching their little bodies gracefully arch up through the soil. I love how green they are, and how they respond to my love and care.

spud	:: 2014 10 May :: 10.55pm because batman you can see the whole post here leave a comment

:: 2014 9 May :: 7.24am

"When she thinks she's pretty..."
"Why do I have to find the people I sleep with attractive?"
"Do you think she's prettier than me?" "I think it's a personality thing."

Why should I even care anymore?
I realize being pretty isn't the most important thing, and I know there are a few people who do think I am, but my self esteem is so far in the shitter right now I don't even want to try and look nice anymore. Apparently all people can see me for is my fat disgusting tummy and that is the deciding factor in my attractiveness.

/end pity party

:: 2014 8 May :: 7.24am

The last few months I've been living with this couple
Yeah, you know the kind who buy everything in doubles
Yeah, they fit together like a puzzle
I love their love, and I am thankful
That someone actually receives the prize that was promised
By all those fairy tales that drugged us
And still do me, I'm sick, lonely
No laurel tree, just green envy
Will my number come up eventually?
Like love's some kind of lottery
Where you scratch and see what's underneath
It's sorry, just one cherry
I'll play again, get lucky

-------

It's easy to fall in love
It's easy to be alone
It's easy to hate yourself
when all your love is inside someone else
It's easy to take it all
It's easy to give it to
when there's more people out there to love
than people who love you

:: 2014 6 May :: 5.56am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: The Fear - Lily Allen

I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
My desk at work has gotten so out of control, I'm stressing out about it just a little bit. I don't normally think about claims after I've left, and I haven't really been thinking too much about this, but when I get to work I just feel so overwhelmed. It's officially been a year since I started in the No Fault department, since my training class became the first adjusters in our department, but it feels like it's only been a few weeks. I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like I'm an ineffective claims handler, but my quality and stats are good, so I can't be that terrible. I'll unbury myself soon, I know, but damn there's a lot of work to be done!

I need to find a therapist I can trust. I think I've finally uncovered some issues I'd love to start working on. Namely how my relationship with Sus destroyed any chance for a healthy relationship with anyone else. I have major trust issues now when it comes to my heart. I sabotage myself before any real deep feelings develop, or if the sabotage doesn't succeed and I develop feelings, I typically start to over analyze and get clingy, destroying the relationship that way. I don't want to be used like that again. I don't want to give anyone that power over me. So where do I draw the line between love/respect and control? I feel like this line has been distorted for me and I have a challenging time figuring it out.

While I can see what my problems are, and the root causes of them, I feel powerless to change these things on my own. I don't even know how to start. Maybe it's too soon, maybe I should just wait longer, but what if the longer I wait, the more engrained this damage will become before it's irreversible and I end up a spinster.

Maybe that wouldn't be so bad.. Adopting a baby and taking care of it by myself in a few years.. Who needs other people?

holiday

:: 2014 5 May :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: melancholy

Well hey there...
I can't believe I remembered my password. It's been a long time.

I'm really excited this is still here, even if I find most of my posts to be annoying. I'm still glad.

Life is... an everyday struggle, trying to keep your head above the water...

:: 2014 5 May :: 6.07am

This weekend was pretty successful. Laura's birthday was pretty awesome. I made some bomb ass steaks with my new smokey joe. There were two rainbows. And a new GoT.

I'm so sleepy today though. Workout, then home to hang out and do homework. Then bed.

I love spring :)

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spud	:: 2014 4 May :: 10.31pm skink is the best leave a comment

:: 2014 3 May :: 8.49am

Today I fucking hate everyone. I don't want to deal with a god damn thing today.