:)

:: 2014 15 January :: 7.00am

I hate when my friends make radical changes after getting into a relationship. It makes me feel angry, defensive, hurt and confused.

I think I'll stay single forever, so I don't become a hypocrit.

moomoo

:: 2014 14 January :: 12.12am
:: Mood: frustrated

So things have been going terrible lately. I had a terrible day at work Friday. Don't remember the last time I was yelled at so many times. I just felt completely worthless and could not do anything right. My self esteem was in the toilet by the time I left. I was expecting to get in some kind of trouble today at work, but instead no one said anything. So I guess that's good. Then I wake up Saturday morning ready go to the bridal show to get some last things done for the wedding. Which I feel really behind on and stressed about how much money it cost. The basement flooded. So spent the whole Saturday cleaning up water. So happy for my family and jordans dad and stepmom that spent there whole day helping clean it up. Pretty sure the carpet is ruined though. Good thing my home owners insurance will pay for it but have to pay a 500 deductible. I feel like my house smells so bad. I just cant wait for this to be over. Between this and being screwed by taxes in this house, starting to wonder if I should of moved. I do love this house, but though getting a newer house would be less problems. Just feeling very frustrated. Vent over.

:: 2014 13 January :: 8.37am

Today is a difficult day. Day two without my Cymbalta. It feels like high school again. Futile, finite, forgettable. All of which I know is untrue, but I'm just so sick of humanity. I'm exhausted at being a part of the whole, and I feel like nothing I do ultimately matters, so why keep trying to hard to win at life?

I don't like feeling this way anymore. So I'm going to try my hardest to will my mind to heal itself, rather than using medicine as a crutch to reach baseline.

It's hard to admit that I may actually be broken forever. I don't want to be. I don't want to be a slave to my own brain chemistry.

This battle feels endless. I know the day I die is the day it stops, but so does everything I hold so dear. So there isn't an out until something shitty happens and ends it for me.

I just wish I could be normal, emotionally. I just wish I could be baseline all the time. I wish I wish I wish. but those won't come true unless I spend all my money on drugs and pills and therapy. It becomes so old, tiring, boring.

I just hate everyone new I meet. People fucking suck. I hate humans. I love my friends, but there's only a handful of them, and they are all busy with their own lives. They don't have time to hear me talk about absolutely nothing and sob uncontrollably.

Its a sobering and depressing thought that the only person who has put up with it in an intimate setting for a prolonged amount of time was Sus. Is that really the best I can get?

Probably.

:: 2014 10 January :: 7.07am

It's not right.

:: 2014 6 January :: 6.36am

Life shouldn't be made of sad and hollow feelings. But it always will be. A pool of water in an inferno won't last too long.

:: 2014 5 January :: 9.18am

I've been sad lately.

I want angry sex.

Sigh.

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:: 2014 5 January :: 8.10am

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell you I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oohhh, when I'm around you I'm predictable
Cause I believe in loving you with first sight
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

:: 2014 3 January :: 8.23pm

Drunk, listening to Disney, buying green.

If I told me this is really what adulthood is when I was 17 I would have slapped you.

But this is awesome.

:: 2014 1 January :: 7.40am
:: Mood: introspective

This was the first year I've been single. The first whole year. I've gone through an elevated feeling of awesome, to crippling depression, back to awesome. Overall I've been so much happier this year than recent years prior, and it's been an amazing journey so far.

I've rekindled lost friendships, found a few new friends and haven't really lost any that are worth remembering. I reconnected with my family, which has been a monumental achievement to me, as I never thought we'd be able to reconcile. Mostly because of Sus, but with him out of the picture I've finally been free to do all the things I've wanted. I moved out of my parent's house and into an apartment that I love with a roommate that I am close friends with.

I started a new position at my work, I got my AA degree, I paid off my debt, I did my first river float, I saw the East Coast. 2013 was a very good year for me. Of course I had little emotional hells here and there, but that's really to be expected, so I'm not really counting those in the final tally. No major trauma's occurred this year, nothing horrible that I can remember happened. Either that means this year rocked, or I just have the shittiest memory ever.

I'm closer now to the person I want to be than ever before. I have good feelings about 2014, I feel like this is going to be the year for a lot of people.

I hate making resolutions, because I feel like they are gimmicky and no one ever really achieves them. But I do want to approach 2014 with more optimism, open-mindedness and a go-with-the-flow attitude. I would like to stop taking my anti-depressant pills too.

Here's to the hope that everyone had a safe new year's eve, and their year upcoming is filled with awesome and happy.

:: 2013 28 December :: 8.37am

Oh, Mary Jane, you are beautiful. You always know how to make me feel better when my tummy is in knots and my head is pounding. Cuddle me as I drift off into dreamland. After I lock all the doors, of course!

:: 2013 25 December :: 7.26pm

had a really fantastic christmas this year. it was really nice, low key and fun.

dreading work tomorrow. can it please just be the weekend?

:: 2013 23 December :: 3.55pm

Happy birthday Samie!

No one can me to her party, so there was no surprise. Not even her husband. It crushed me, and obviously Samie was too.

I am so pissed off that people said they'd be there, and then everyone bailed. Including her husband and family members. Who she does anything for. It's just shitty that she's surrounded by so many selfish people that can't even make time for her birthday.

I'm just even more disgusted with people every year around this time. I'm a Scrooge for a reason.

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:: 2013 18 December :: 9.01pm

I hate having to repeat myself, but it feels like every few months I end up doing it.

Vicious cycle, I want to break it, but I'm at a loss of how without losing everything.

Maybe some solitude will help.