:)

:: 2013 11 November :: 2.42pm

Got prescribed some pills in addition to what I'm already taking. So far I've been sleeping a lot and feeling distracted.

I'm itching to move my stuff into the apartment, but I don't have all the keys I need to get inside. So I'm essentially locked out of my apartment! Poop.

I have a lot of emotions going on right now, primarily negative. If possible, I'm beginning to be even more bitter and cynical than before. And I hate it.

I really wish I had never been born. Just not ever exist.

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rayray

:: 2013 11 November :: 3.12pm

Yesterday, my mom had a heart attack. This morning she had a heart cath, and it showed that she has a small blockage but they aren't doing a stent because it could cause more harm than good. I was told this morning she would be coming home tonight, but by the time I got to class, they decided to keep her for another day. And the cardiologist told her numerous times she needs to quit smoking. So I am hoping that, the heart attack and the fact she has already been told by her doctor that has been treating her for Lupus, is enough to get it in full swing..

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godessalthena

:: 2013 10 November :: 9.33am

So the thing with Andy is over. And it's not that I expected anything more out of it than sex and a buddy, but fuck that guy has zero tact and is really a complete douche bag. I made sure he won't contact me again, once this new girl finds out how much of an ass hat he is.

But some of the things he said after I made him angry gave my ego a hard hit. I know he was just trying to hurt me and the things he said weren't true, but having an already shitty level of self-esteem, it shook me. It undid a lot of effort I put into feeling like some people actually enjoy being around me.

With all the awesome stuff going on right now - moving, friends, done with school, etc. - I'm trying not to let this get too deep under my skin. I'm just frustrated and upset. I hate feeling this way.

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godessalthena

:: 2013 8 November :: 3.19pm

It's Friday! And my boss taught me a new acronym:

FOIF

Fuck off it's Friday. It's my new favorite!

I get the keys to my apartment today! After, there will be waffles and booze with teh lala and Laura! Whoop!!

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godessalthena

:: 2013 7 November :: 8.18pm

i love you much (most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky
—sunlight and singing welcome your coming
although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess
(except my life) the true time of year—
and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each
nearness) everyone certainly would (my
most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love

-- e.e. cummings

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godessalthena

:: 2013 6 November :: 6.26pm

Done with my AA program. I'm happy I'm done, but it's pretty underwhelming.

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godessalthena

:: 2013 4 November :: 10.25pm

Setting with my first real crush/heart break? Yes, please!!

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godessalthena

:: 2013 4 November :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: aggravated

This essay needs to just fucking write itself. fuck.

I chatted with one of the first boys I never had a huge crush on in my young tween/teen life. He's apparently in a open/poly relationship with an adorable woman and enjoys drawing naked women and smoking weed. It's like.. all my dreams came true haha

It's just weird how people turned out. I feel so lame, living the life I do.

I just wish I had more fun and less responsibility. Or I just didn't worry about being responsible so much. Maybe next weekend I'll just go and do something irresponsible. Maybe that will help.

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godessalthena

:: 2013 3 November :: 10.36am

I hate that I'm someone who needs to drink or get high to feel ok with how I am. I hate how depressed I feel despite taking medicine for it. I hate that in order for pills to work, I have to take ones that make me gain weight. I hate that when I gain weight I feel even more insecure about myself, surrounded by friends who are equally as judgmental about their bodies and hateful towards their imperfections.

Really, I am convinced that because I'm fat I'll never be happy. This makes me depressed, which causes me to be ridiculously unmotivated to do anything besides drink and get high, thus adding to the cycle of weight gain.

What makes it even worse is when I was thin, I was still convinced I was fat and undeserving of love. So what's the solution? I've done therapy, pills, weigh loss and gain, religion, no religion. I'm still fucking miserable. The future is looking dismal, and I really don't know what the other option is. Misery or death? Life is a lose-lose people.

On top of these personal struggles, I seem to constantly and consistently hurt and piss off others. Not intentionally, just through doing stuff in my life. I get used by men, I use men. I just hate every aspect of life. Not just mine, but all lives. It all just fucking sucks.

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godessalthena

:: 2013 2 November :: 10.20pm
:: Mood: Defeated

Most of the time, you just can't win.

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godessalthena

:: 2013 30 October :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: Ravenous

I want to fuck you like an animal.

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godessalthena

:: 2013 29 October :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: weird

It always makes me feel uncomfortable how normal most of the kids I grew up with turned out..

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godessalthena

:: 2013 29 October :: 3.40pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Idol rambling

I find that the last half an hour to an hour at work, I do next to nothing productive. I just think about what I'll do when I get home. And how excited I am to leave finally.

I often think a about the ice cream I have in the freezer, and I get so excited to eat it, and then I get home and I don't. I think I might like the idea of ice cream more than the act of consuming it, particularly when I'm alone. Maybe that's a metaphor for my life.

I also fantasize about all the people who must be secretly in love with me. It makes me feel happy and giddy, thinking that someday someone will leave me a secretly love note and it'll be an exciting adventure. And then they don't, and I feel like I'm just a weirdo.

It's so fucking cold outside. I hate when it's frigid and windy. But at least I got to wear a Totoro hat to work today! :3

Love,
Mamelia

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godessalthena

:: 2013 28 October :: 8.16pm

I'm so torn on how I feel about humans. And consciousness. And interactions between me and others.

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