:: 2005 25 October :: 12.17 pm

in seven and nip/tuck, they use bach's air from orchestral suite number 3 for scenes...in seven, when he's in the library, searching about the juwes, which is a code for the the seven deadly sins...its a movie in which people are killed and tortured quite viciously...and in nip/tuck, when they do a face lift on one of the surgeons mother in law.

Bach's tocatta and fugue in D is used in Dark Castle, a 1986-7 mac computer game that involves navigating your way through the mazes of the castle, within which there are bats, rats and soldiers whipping those who have done badly.

martini?

:: 2005 25 October :: 10.57 am
:: Mood: confused

what's wrong with me. i should be more feeling than this...are people not sad when things dont go their way? when they cant have waht they want?

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 25 October :: 12.20 am
:: Mood: morose

The tears I might have shed for your dark fate
Turn cold and turn to tears of hate.

martini?

:: 2005 22 October :: 9.22 am

today, i really wanted to go to school. i left the house on time, but worried that i wasnt. i got down the street and realised i had absolutly no money. so i went back and grabbed a bag of quarters with about four dollars in it. i figured that'd be fine and i'd get money from the atm at the station for a ticket home (i only have one ride left on my ticket). But i got there and realised that i had no wallet, and in fact, i still have no idea where it went. i could have driven, but one dollar for a toll and six for parking...six that i didnt have.

so i came home, just like last thursday. but i made hte train on time. it's really frustrating because its mostly an online course, but my dad got mad at me last time something like this happened.

tomorrow i have to get my japanese textbook, because barnes and noble didnt order the right thing. i failed my quiz though, which is really pathetic. i just cannot memorize the symbols in hiragana. Considering im doing so badly at that, im not looking forward to having to learn katakana too. its hard because there is no latin logic behind it, which is why other languages are easier for me.

so thats my day so far and its not even ten o clock yet.

martini?

:: 2005 20 October :: 12.36 am

updated pictures. see previous entry for link.

so i went to arizona and i really wont say much cuz it wasnt that amazing...but twas fun.

went to my first party on friday...but didnt drink, no worries...i havent dropped my morals.
it presented me with an interesting question. why do people do so if they address the choice to not drink with such positiveness?
perhaps they feel it rids them of their stress because thinking further into it made me notice that responsibility and drinking are on opposite sides of a scale. those with loads of responsibility (hmwk, cleanliness, job) tend to feel that its ok with more vigor, versus those like me, who dont hold those things as high, hold that choice above opportunity. tell me if you agree or disagree...am a little theorist lol.

i should go to bed because i have school tmro...but its only 10:45 in AZ and am used to going to bed at 2:30am there.

in other news, jill asked why i hadnt been talking to her and i told her honestly. i dont feel bad because she asked and i feel i handled it maturely (with patrice to back it up), despite some bitchy, cold-heartedness, but i almost think it's expected.

"Unabashed honesty
would be ideal,
but a prophet did once say
that honesty's a lonely word."
~Have You Ever; Incubus

martini?

:: 2005 15 September :: 12.31 am

i have a photo bucket.

the pics from the carnival are on there...they're under attempts...for my lame attempts at photography...look at the one titled Toy Gore...its almost as if they meant for it to read that subliminally...

have fun woo! good day.

5 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 14 September :: 9.20 am
:: Mood: calm

you know how everything is so stressful and then all of a sudden, everything's alright and calm. thats now starting yesterday. just everything...i think i realised that there is nothing to worry about. am in school, i have a schedule that i know how it works, am hanging out with people, justin issues are not pressing, and i've been doing stuff i want to do like take pictures and look at art. strangely, like always, its the opposite for everyone else. so sorry for anyone who has loads to do. ill read something for you. :)

that's really all. good day.

3 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 27 August :: 11.40 pm

im excited because i finally registered for classes. i did things people said i wouldnt. my mum said id never graduate high school. my brother said id never get into college. too bad that i did, eh? so i've found that i can take a language, no matter what it is...its a new language that will help me decode anything i run across. i'm finally done with trying to please them, and that's why i did well last year in school. so i'm happy making myself so by doing things that please me and make me proud. i found someone who has pride in me for at least my excitement and determination for learning language and it seems like ill almost start working for him soon enough. it's like when you normally like a guy and you'll do things simply to impress them, only the things that impress him are also the things that make me happy.
they dont think im responsible at all and that i have no respect for anyone, including myself, which is ironic if you know them. maybe it's because they want me to fill in the gaps that they are too old to complete now. i know i will succeed, because ill allow myself to be let down by me. i think i have a strength a lot of people dont, which i suppose is thinking very highly of myself, but it keeps me going in my head, believing that ill end up alright.

so now, im not all that excited about college at all, although earlier i was so excited just to have the opportunity to learn japanese. i think that it will be great, but i have no desire to prove anything to anyone.

martini?

:: 2005 27 August :: 10.57 pm

i dont really have much to update. ill post something i wrote a few days earlier...although am not going to reread it just for authenticity becuase then i probably wouldnt post it.

went to another wedding today...he liked some of the pictures i took....now if only i could learn to focus it right...

nada nuevo con la nino. que triste.

i dont know what to do for my bday. it seems lame to turn eighteen and do nothing fun. like even just with friends. patrice cant on monday cuz of school and everyone has school btu then theres the evening...but why just chill. i wnat to do soemthing but its beginning to look like a lot of nothing.

i also want to do something because im turning eighteen and i dont know if my dad'll take me skydiving but we are going to the race track sometime next week. thats the best thing considering im doing nothing with cigars or porn.

the masks i painted are no longer satisfactory. they're too simple and not original enough. that means ama have to do another one and i have an idea.

ama paint it like the muscles in ones face. i dont know how well it'll work, in fact, im fairly confident it wont...but oh well because no one ever really ahs to see it.

know what sucks about having your bday close is that everytime you get the urge to say "i want..." or "it'd be so great if i had...", you know everyone's tuning in...and youd rather they didnt bother in that case...because its just a spur of the moment and something that'll probably end up in the garbage three weeks from now. besides...that was the whole reason i didnt want to have a party. i hate when people get you stuff cuz you feel like you have to get them something in return...but then theres that curiousity that you'd want to know how inventive people have gotten from last year...or if they were original at all.

oh and the reason i dont like flowers. i found it out. not because neil always got them but because they were so easy to get. they are either the "shit i didnt do something and i need to" last minute...or "i didnt even try" worthless attempt. but no matter. that can stay in here, eh?

g'night. dont spend money on me, kie? my room's messy enough as it is.

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 26 August :: 4.18 pm

I GAVE BLOOD TODAY!!!

so the government gives grants to families with a lot of medical problems and not a lot of money, especially those with cancer patient children and such. and donors give blood and platelets and marrow and hair to those patients, just as you can give your old clothes to salvation army for people who arent as well off. you pop your kindness on a tax return sheet for the clothes and it gives back, partly so you actually go through with it. it helps so that the people can get jobs and get off of welfare, costing the government less in the long run. so why, if the govenment is giving grants for medical, should blood and other donations not have the same effect? except this is the problem: you can't say $3 worth of blood, $9 hair like you can with pants.

so, ama write a letter to mr. congressman, blajoavich(?), and whomever else passes laws and see what happens. usually, i get ideas like this and dont go through with them but i have nothing else to do right now cuz someone's not responding to my text so ill get right on that.

martini?

:: 2005 11 August :: 10.29 am

In what could only be a strange turn of events, my confusion was turned to understanding last night. I expressed my confusion to Justin and just sort of text-ranted, and decided that I’d just shut up because he wasn’t understanding. Then, about an hour later, he returned that he did understand and did like me a significant amount and that we learn so much from each other that I couldn’t possibly impair his learning. I agreed and he responded that he was scared of losing his friends because I would become his priority. I told him that it wasn’t right to just forget about them because they are the ones that will always be there, no matter what happens with girlfriends and such. We began to ask questions and set rules, one of which is that no matter what happens, we’re still going to be friends. He needs to ask Ian because he doesn’t want to hurt Chanel(his ex), but he isn’t “sensitive enough to ask her [him]self.” There’s another part that’s kind of weird but I don’t know if I want to put it on here because it’s a little rough as it is having no one approve of him. How do you fight your desires and when do you stop working for them and start for you? He also doesn’t want another girlfriend that cries because he doesn’t say I love you every half an hour. I don’t think that will be a problem. I have yet to ask him just not to ever be drunk around me. I can’t change his decisions that he made before I came around, but just that would be respect enough.

3 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 10 August :: 11.35 am

I’m currently very excited and can’t wait to get out of school because I have someone to visit today. Not only has Justin been flirting with me again, which, in case you aren’t that intuitive, is a good thing, but I found out yesterday that he genuinely cares about what happens to me and isn’t afraid to tell me so. He told me not to mess up school, but not in the parent “you better not way”. It was more along the lines of “don’t do that to yourself.

We spent Monday in the city, visiting the art museum and then two bookstores and Virgin. I think he realized that I wouldn’t hold him back, but possibly teach him more, because he got friendlier as the trip went on. Today ama visit him, which is why I’m so excited. He got his teeth pulled and his friends want him to come out on Thursday and I asked why they wouldn’t visit him at his house, and he said he hates being at his house, but oddly enough, was fine with me visiting him.

Jen is clearly very upset about leaving and it shows in how she has been treating everyone. She is trying to break ties with mushroom just enough so that it doesn’t hurt to leave, but tie ends up with everyone else so she still feels at home when she returns.

martini?

:: 2005 2 August :: 10.42 am

Recently, I’ve been on one of those missions to change myself. It’s interesting, how much you can do once you decide that it’s important to you. What’s more surprising is its source. Despite how much everyone doesn’t like Justin, he seems to be inflicting the changes on me unintentionally. I’m assuming it’s a good thing, because some people have taught me different ways to think and points of view, as well as helped me to practice my virtues, and he is yet another fire whose scar will be all that remains in some time. Stunkel preempted the revolution.

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 27 July :: 10.29 am
:: Mood: tired/sore

strange that my horoscope would be so close to true.

Mars will end its stay in your eighth house this week, where it has been encouraging you to take action concerning your joint financial affairs. It has also notched up the passion in your love life, which has no doubt helped your relationship to perk up. On Thursday it moves into Taurus and this is going to put you into explorer mode. You will want to seek out new ideas, new people and new places. If you should happen to be going away on vacation this would be the time to relax as much as possible.

martini?

:: 2005 22 July :: 5.12 pm

i went to that bridge thing today...

we actually didnt get lost, which was surprising.
so for everyone who doesnt know what a bridge program is, which is everyone i asked, its basically a stupid people program....either you were dumb for not doing your hmwk or just purely dumb.

we get to learn math.....like right angles....and read a book...

but going there for the next four weeks means not working as much, as if i was making enough money as it was.

gah...i need to get another job that can give me more hours the chuck e cheese because i need to work at night on the weeknights i dont even care if i cant hang out with people as often.

i also need to turn in my fafsa

oh she said we get our own special orientation and assessment and that we are her "special kids" good god could you tell us we're dumb in any better way. hm...i know one. "you're all too dumb for this school. exit now, please."

ama try to nap for a bit. g'ngiht

martini?

:: 2005 21 July :: 8.10 pm

i wish i could dance. such an intimidatingly unlimited form of expression. you can just move, which is natural to our bodies anyway. when you're angry, you usually dont sit in a corner and paint. you want to throw things. but grace was not in my plan, apparently.

"...either javert or valjean!"

today was one of those days that just didnt go alright. i didnt want to get up, possibly from staying up so late and i strangely enough cant forget justin. but then at work i started to get aggravated wiht stunkel and pudding really fast. i dont know if its just tired or maybe mixed with pms or are people really not so hot on hanging out with me? kinda seems like it but i hope ill forget it after this week when i sleep and tom leaves.

"kidnap the sandy claws, beat him with a stick..."

tomorrow am going to columbia for this bridge program, which i dont even know what that means but i guess ill find out. kristen and faith are coming with me so if i get lost, i wont freak out. yay! i sorta want to run i just wish it was dark because its just easier to run when its darker. its cooler and people dont look at you and theres not so many people out anyway.

"And in my bones I feel the warnth
That's coming from inside"

im sorta worried. i doubt mr. curry sent in my recommendation letter, and if he did, how come i dont have my orientation with jessica and brittany, who are the last group? im probably screwed for college. i guess i was stupid for waiting so long, but....i dont know.

"falling...me cayendo...fall of an angel, you can see the fall (celestial) when you're feeling high yo estoy dentro de las sombras....when you kiss the earth...angel of your mind flowing through you...dentro de suenos mas profundos...yo ti oigo mi llamas...celestial...tus miedos profundos, me ves cayendo...falling...vivo dentro en tu espiritu...la tienda dentro de tu corazon...you can see the fall...angel...in your deepest dreams...fluyendo dentro de ti...fall of an angel...besando la tierra...asciende te, levantando te...fluyendo dentro de ti...atraves de ti...cuando te levantas...cuando esta triste...cuando lloras con la lluvia."

i want to start painting on peoples walls. characters and such. like a lot of people put winnie the pooh on babies walls.....and spongebob and loads of other stuff, stuff i can copy!

alright i think im done...my day has been made because i found cirque du soleil lyrics
now ama translate.

martini?

:: 2005 21 July :: 12.04 am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: "Thirty-Three" -Smashing Pumpkins

martini?

:: 2005 17 July :: 2.12 am
:: Music: fan.

martini?

:: 2005 15 July :: 3.48 pm
:: Mood: irritated

Bad day
Today has just not gone well at all.

What I was supposed to do:

10:00-13:00-Work at VHHS

martini?

:: 2005 12 July :: 11.43 pm
:: Mood: sleepy

so im staying up for justin to sneak out but am so tired its tough.

i dont have to work til one though so no worries. i dont hve to get up early.

but justin and i are just friends...i promise.

i painted spencers wall with the opeth symbol today....twas fun.

it took me three cds plus some time for that.

i just remembered i know yet another person going to columbia, with whom i actually might hang out.

i was thinking about social life next year....and if college doesnt bring anyone, sandy and patrice and kristen are still here.

and i need a new job so i can quit chuck e cheese. i need to badly.

alright i guess thats it. g'night, then.

martini?

:: 2005 11 July :: 10.02 pm
:: Mood: nothing

I'm being childish. Today should not have gone the way it did.

I'm going to give Melanie her present and say I have to leave because I really just don't want to be around people.

I launched an attack that ended in massacre. Damn flies. I swear they are in the vents.

I got in a fight with my mum. I was fine until she started yelling at me about how my teeth cost too much. Why does she do that? It really isnt fair. I've calmed down now, which is why this is hardly a rant.

I saw Neil today. We talked for about an hour. About nothing. Like always. I'm such an idiot. I'm doomed in terms of a husband. He'll be just like my mother. He'll be an idiot and smoke and get drunk every night and mistreat his kids. Or maybe that's me.

I'm going to the park now. Work tomorrow.

2 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 11 July :: 1.50 am
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: hummmm of comp

martini?

:: 2005 5 July :: 5.31 pm

two months...i've liked this kid for two months. i have to ask him if theres a chance because hes so confusing that i just dont know now.

martini?

:: 2005 5 July :: 5.19 pm

so life hasnt been extremely interesting although i did just type this giant thing on kristens comp so ill post it just because i dont have anything interesting to say although it is quite fun to type again! i miss it much!~

I wanted to write you a story. I thought of what I could write about, and my empty head was soon being drilled by the pulsating ringing that is made by the computer beside my head. It’s difficult to pick a topic that isn’t cliché, mostly because cliché is what has been written about before again and again. That’s what life is though; what people know.
So, in my quest for a great idea, I thought about my life. How interesting is my life, though? It’s a mess of memories that have been heard. An alcoholic mother, a dad who’s been away more than around, a brother who would beat up on me and now we get along. Yet another soap opera. Soap operas, of course, are the essence of life. Junior high, high school, home life, college days, days at the office, your pathetic minimum wage job. If it isn’t a soap opera, it’s an eternal comedy sketch, depending on your perspective of life’s ridiculous quarrels.
Let’s explore the not so common experiences. Say your life is like a horror flick. All lack of probability excluded, you’re out with your friends and oh, my! The news report on the radio station that you never listen to but happen to stop on while flipping through the channels informs you of a serial killer on the loose, which, by the way, would never happen, considering teenagers have every station they’d ever care to listen to memorized by heart, unless, on the rare occasion, they’re on a road trip, in which case, they would have a tape or CD. Johnny says he has to pee and the pathetically paranoid girl decides that everyone must fret about the escapist. “Oh, dear,” says Johnny, “I’ll hold my pee for three more hours while we run around town from this stupid man with a knife, who in all likelihood, would probably trip on his dumb ass and kill himself before he would actually catch you. Besides, why in God’s name would this man you’ve never met decide on you as his prey. Honestly, killers usually have an idea of who they’re going after as a form of revenge, not hostile ideas like those exemplified in Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. Even he has a motive, which is the wall that needs blood to keep it thick. Of course, his hatred of humanity allows him to continue rather than just to move from the house. Regardless of motives and ideas, have you ever noticed how the highest rating movies are those of such impossibility?
People are bored with their soap opera lives, so much that they will watch others pretend ones for hours on end. Obviously, they are pretend and a half ass actress with a name for her character from an ancient tribe in Peru could have all the family problems of you and your seven friends on her own because her mother married Todd’s brother and she happens to be going out with Todd but then his kid is Jessica’s but she was a whore at that time but it’s all in the past but it’s not because then Jimmy comes back from the dead. How realistic.
Every so often though, you’ll run across a good book that doesn’t only play on human stupidities but goes in depth to the human psyche, which is a difficult topic for anyone to understand. However, you are still only reading into one persons opinion and a good majority of people will buy into that authors ideas as well and two others and therefore focuses in on a very close minded opinion of whatever it is. Rarely, you’ll find a person who can read the underlying meaning of those books and piece together their own opinion, both absorbing and disposing of the ideas that have been written down. These are intelligent people. I am not one of them.
That’s my spiel. It’s really not that great but it’ll entertain you about as much as a five hundred page romance novel. Good day!

martini?

:: 2005 6 June :: 9.11 am

just wanted to annotate the new boy intrest.

of course, like the others, i dont believe its going anywhere.

kristen disagrees.

stunkel decided he's celery, because of peanut butter.

how ridiculous.

some people are furious at stunkel but hes just a kid, i dont know how people dont understand. havent they heard him make up stories? he lives in his world where things are his way, probably so he doesnt have to face the world. we all do it, but different ways. some people focus on the unimportant and whine about it a lot and others just ignore it and some mope about it and still others rub it in peoples faces that thier lives are worse and some just get frustrated after a while and take it out on someone else.

i dont think i could ever be mad at stunkel. the thing i love the most about him that ive never seen anyone do is that he can be so utterly disappointed in himself and depressed, but he will do his best to make everyone around him smile, whether they're already in a good mood or if they're not doing so well.

i'd hate to compare him to a dog, but its really the easiest because cats dont like people. sometimes he barks a little too much and it makes you say "shotzy, be quiet, mummy's doing her tai chi"(see that 70's show), but he plays with you an has endless energy and is a companion and through your blurry vision, you catch a glimpse of his tongue as a warning to close your eyes when you're sad. and he just makes you feel like at least someone cares.

i wish everyone could see that in him. but some people dont see much good in anyone.

martini?

:: 2005 25 May :: 8.38 pm
:: Mood: frustrated

how do you rid yourself of f r u s t r a t i o n ???

im currently stuck in a state of _{incessent anger}

but dont ask me why because i honestly DON'T KNOW.

there are the little things, but they dont seem to cover the area...

maybe it's my best friend, ¢¾P¢¾ M¢¾S¢¾

i.e. TOM "are you tom?"

g'night my friends.

martini?

:: 2005 24 May :: 11.12 pm

why is the chalk box always harder to open than the crayon box?!?!

maybe its because the things that are grittier and not as smooth and easy to use come in harder packages so that you go through effort to get to them. those that shouldnt get there give up fast, deeming the package not worth thier time, although the package is clearly choosing that the person is not worth its opening.

no one wants the crayons because anyone can use them, even the four year old in kindercare.

i prefer chalk.

there's no black or white so you're forced to use colours to illustrate shadows and shines.

take this as you will...its a lot of thoguhts rolled into one metaphor that happens to be spilled out in yellow and green in front of me.

martini?

:: 2005 23 May :: 7.18 pm

so prom was awesome. the day after was as well. my calves hurt like hell, like i cant walk right, its ridiculous.
If i knew how to put pictures up i would. the nosegay he got was soooo prettyful!

my ditch dya was awesomely relaxing. yay for incredibles!
i want to know if kristen completed her misson today...;D?!?

btw, kristen, am soo sry for getting you in trouble today.

my mum's on another bitch attack.

martini?

:: 2005 20 May :: 1.48 am
:: Mood: tired

due to shows and having a life, i havent updated in a whole three days or so.

Note one: be like mulan; make decisions on your own and make them quickly when needed.

note two: stay away from shonsky if you're going to explode.

note three: it's incredible how stuck up people can be

note four: ignore all boy intrests. it will only get you in trouble.

note five: good job on not screwing all your lights up.

note six: go to bed so that

note seven: you can have fun at prom with mike.

btw i got a dress. it's black with three pink bow stripes at the top. eep...pink, drapery, bows?!?

okie sweet dreams all g'night.

DULCE ET DECORUM EST
Wilfred Owen
Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;

Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

Gas! Gas! Quick, boys! —An Ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime…
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.
In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues, —
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori. (to die for the country is sweet and proper)

martini?

:: 2005 15 May :: 11.43 pm
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: "pocahantas"

martini?