Hey, just gonna copy and paste my xanga entries here
I've been known as the heartless bitch for a good part of my life. Okay, so maybe not but I have been heartless in the way that I don't like to deal with reality. I just sort of shove it to the back of my mind and don't deal. Yes, I'm quite aware that's not a good idea (I've only had my psyciatrist say that over and over). All my negative emotions are converted into anger, the one negative feeling I'm not afraid to let people see. I say that because I can already see the comments, "Deanna, but you're ALWAYS smiling." Well, I smile because I would rather not cry. There is so much that you guys don't know about, but you do at the same time. You all know it, but it's not a big deal to you and you don't understand. One of the many reasons I despised Cliff so much is whenever I was depressed about my dying Yai, my recently diagnosed diabetic Thah who also has cancer from smoking, and how I miss the only person who ever brought me true happiness, Cliff would just reply, "I've lost people too." Then he preceed to name off distant relatives, like it was some huge thing that he's relatives who he hadn't met died. Death is death, but I was close to my dad and I remember things when he was around despite my age. Hell, I remember things from when I was less than a year old. Which is amusing since my short term memory is horrid, hahaha. Hense why I'm on a totally different topic from what I originally wanted to post on.

My point being, the tough girl is really breaking down here. I know, I know... I said I hate sympathy a couple entries ago but that doesn't mean I don't want a hug! *Sigh* Promise, no more drifting for the rest of this entry. I was listening to "Eyes On Me" sung by Faye Wong from the OST of FF8 and is also my backround music on my xanga. It really hit me that I'm not happy. Sure, no one is happy. No one is content with their lives. There's always something more, just one step out of our grasp that we want. The sad part of this all is that I don't know what I want. My hypothalamus is really screwed up here, I don't even recognize my basic drives (like hunger drives). I want so much to be loved, to be held, to be someone's... but when they want it too, it's like iron wall! *Sigh* I walk into the kitchen after I just stuffed myself full (with my eating habits lately, it's a wonder I haven't gained 20 lbs), and I open the pantry and pull something out. Then I go to the fridge and pull something out of that too, then the freezer. I sort of stare at the food I've collected, deciding what type of meal I'm going to cook up for myself. Once I've decided, I just sort of stand there. My mind battling itself over whether or not I'm going to eat. One half saying I have th munchies even though I'm not hungry, while the other is repulsed by food. So I stand there until my mom pokes me and asks me to move, so I put all the food back and return to my computer. A few minutes later, I'm back up in the kitchen looking over my food options.

I could go on about similar situations but I don't want to bore you more than I already have. My point is, and I'm not sure if I've brought this up in a previous entry, I don't know what I want in life. Everything was so planned out in my mind, and now I'm not sure I want to go down that road anymore. A few weeks back my mom asked if I needed something since I was doing my little hang around the kitchen thing, and my reply was, "You know, I'm not hungry. I'm also very bored *Glare from Bill who opens his mouth to say something.* Save it Bill, I know what you're going to say so let me rephrase. I'm not happy..." Mom laughed slightly at that and put the mail down, "Well then Dee, do something that makes you happy.", she replied as she walked down the hallway. When she reached the end I just stared across the kitchen and whispered more to myself than to her, "I don't know what makes me happy anymore..."

I love how I haven't even touched the topic I wanted to. I sort of did, but it was supposed to be tied to missing the seniors but I guess I got carried away....

~*~.:.Deanna.:.~*~

~MAJOR EDIT!!!~

So, being me I check up on my ex-bff's woohu journals to see how they're doing. A little backround info: When Molly, Louise and I were a trio every year we went to Carmel. Spent the weekend up at her mom's house in celebration of Molly's b-day on June 5th. We'd visit the beach at least once, go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium and play that dumb magnet hermit crab game, go shopping in Carmel and stop in the toy store, the candy store, and the little porceline store. Then, on the way home we'd stop in Salinas to visit Molly's mom's horse, Chikita. There's always some new rescued animal there that we fall in love with, new foals born just months ago and visit the yearlings who met the year prior, feed Chikita and some of the other horses and last year we even rode Chikita! It was our special thing, we were supposed to go every year. It was going to be even better when we could drive so it'd just be use, not that I don't adore Mrs. Wyman. Anyway, back to the post. So I was reading their entries and came across this:

Nicole's journal: "AND I'M EXCITED ABOUT GOING TO CARMEL NEXT WEEK! AHHH!"

Thinking it was a coincedence, even though the only comments were from Molly but non-related, I checked Molly's and it was, "CARMEL ON MONDAY!"

This better be a coincedence, I know they wouldn't take Nicole in my place... Would they? Am I being replaced? Cause that hurts... a lot.

~More Edits~

So I just finished watching InuYasha, very good stuff I'm telling you. Too bad the ending theme was "Dearest" and depressed me... more than I already was. So I come back to finish removing a virus and remember I imed Mel to ask about whether it was coincedence of if they were taking Nicole in my stead. The answer:

Horseeyoregal: she's going with them

That, that's pain right there. Pain on a stick and thrusted deep into my heart. A pain that stands in front of me, and no matter how hard I try to push it into the same sludge pot where the shit in my life is... it won't budge. It stands there. Holding me. Choking me. Watching me fall limp to the ground. Mentally: I am dead. Physically: I wish I was with my mind.

sing to me