<center>My Auto-Ethnography</center>

:: 2005 27 June :: 12.42am

i have just acted like a complete bitch to my best and only true friend. why do i have to end everyone away. make them want to leave me?

:: 2005 27 June :: 12.10am

You didn't push me i fell. what is wrong with me. why can't i ever be me. even whenim alone. i don't know who i am anymore. i fear i never will. shit. will electrocute myself if i keep crying into the keyboard. maybeit would be for the best.

:: 2005 26 June :: 11.31pm
:: Mood: fat, ugly and worse.
:: Music: rachelles mix

DISGUSTING ME. AGAIN.
ok- so it feels like i havent written in ages!!! i just looked at the clock and was shocked to see its only 1/2 11! thought that it was about 2! am knackered. *yawn* but im just to tired to go to bed. nothing has really happened. am sitting here feeling slightly morose, quite a bit nostagic for things that i cant remember and very fat. ill have to start my diet tomorrow- properly. now i've written it in here i can't go back on it. im actually feeling fucking miserable. i don't know why. just that i am. a far cry from the person that was running around in the rain on friday in her underwear with 3 other friends and going on a trampaline and nearly falling out of her bra whilst giggling hysterically. which i know feel a quadruple twat for doing. ive never, ever, ever gone out in public in anything less than a swimming costume. i looked in the mirror later and i wanted to get a knife and slice right though my stomach untill i had chopped all of the fat off. the blood that i added to the image made it more appealing. WHY AM I SO FUCKING GROTEQUE!!!!!!! WHY CANT I JUST BE NORMAL. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY. WHY DID I LET MYSELF GET LIKE THIS ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that i had better go now. saw that fucking BASTARD today fucking, fucking wanker tosser. I HATE HIM!!!!! still. not as much as i hate myself.

:: 2005 25 June :: 5.16pm
:: Mood: satisfied
:: Music: Gackt ~ Another World

Yay!
I finally finished the first chapter of my book. It still needs to be re-read and checked for inconsistencies etc, but I'm finished with the main writing of it. I'm planning on posting it on FictionPress, and I'll put a link to it here. Now I just need a title.

On a completely unrelated subject, I officially finished my GCSEs yesterday, so I'm free for the next two months or so! More time for writing, drawing, and getting my entry for Tokyopop's RSOM UK and my IMAF entry done. I also want to get Fragile Hearts, my little shounen-ai manga project started as well. I'm thinking of putting it onto Keenspace. I hadn't planned to publish it on the internet originally, but if it's on Keenspace then I'll have more of an incentive to update it.

(I'm far too ambitious. I'll never get all that done...)

:: 2005 24 June :: 12.52am
:: Mood: optimistic, happy and lots of good stuff.

i have just had the best day ever!!!! i had the most fun that i have had in ages.i'm decorating my room at the moment (red, black and white) and i had a friend over . we had on music and even though we did alot of work on the room we managed to have a really great time. we put handprints on the wall, on each other (ha ha, i got her good!) and i got a v. cool new painted t- shirt. i also had my face painted. we then spent at least 1/2 an hour trying to get black gloss paint off with white spirit. still it was fun! it was just so fun to have some good old fashioned fun, feel like kids again, running around squealing like a guinea pig (well, ok, that was mainly me) and just letting go. i had the time of my life and ill forever remember it.
Also this evening we had a bit of a heart to heart on msn and i learnt some more about her past. although a sad subject, i still felt good that we had talked. this day will go down in history for me as the best day ever!!!

:: 2005 22 June :: 8.41pm

am feeling rather peeved. why can't you have the writing at the top of the screen in a different colour? i like what i have written there. puh. im gonna sulk now. ok im ok now

:: 2005 22 June :: 6.02pm
:: Mood: amused

"Hot Topic has a very deep understanding of the Naruto brand, and will provide a powerful and compelling product offering that will have enormous appeal to the huge existing Naruto fan base making them a perfect, strategic retail partner for Shonen Jump's Naruto in the U.S." said Cynthia Money, vice president of consumer products for VIZ Media. "We are also excited to expand our VIZ Media Store and feature additional exclusive Shonen Jump's Naruto items on-line." [Source: NarutoFan.com]

In other words: 'We know Naruto's going to make us a lot of money, so we'll put out as many products as possible to cash in on this.'

But seriously, how does one have a 'very deep understanding' of an anime merchandise line, and what do they mean by 'powerful and compelling product?' A t-shirt's a t-shirt, and as much as I love the Naruto characters, putting their faces on items of clothing can hardly be called 'powerful' or 'compelling.'

:: 2005 21 June :: 10.45pm
:: Mood: dramatic.
:: Music: dresden dolls. A.F.I

shite poetry.
I sit on the ledge as theres no escape,
beginning turns to end and i slowly slide,
slide forward towards my fate,
anything to get away from this hate,
my life leads to this point,
my death leads from it,
as i plunge my way to the darkness,
away from my fear,
the ones that i can feel drawing near,
the demons,
the pain,
the anger,
the strain,
my life lies behind me,
my death lies ahead,
there is nothing left to feel but dread.

:: 2005 20 June :: 4.27pm
:: Music: Naruto Soundtrack III

Bored...
I'm going to be so bored all Summer... I still have two exams left, and already I have too much free time. I have to try and drag myself away from the internet and finish that damned first chapter of my story. I have over two thousand words so far, so I'm getting there (slowly.) I can't wait to start chapter two, though... there's an interesting little scene I know will be fun to write ^_^

:: 2005 19 June :: 7.26pm
:: Mood: irritated

The sudden shift in weather has completely screwed up my sense of time. It's half seven and it feels like early afternoon because it's still really sunny and hot. I now have a headache from being made to sit in the sun for too long, and I'm wishing it was Autumn or Spring. I like those seasons, they're nice and neutral, without it being freezing cold or blindingly sunny.

:: 2005 15 June :: 11.39am
:: Mood: rain cloudy
:: Music: Beethoven + NIN

"don't you fucking know what you are?" love that line. describes how i feel right now... what am i? i don't have a "catagory" as it were, but thats not really what bothers me- in fact, that doesn't bother me at all it's just that i don't know what i am. in any sense of the word really- i have just realised that i am a fucking two faced bitch. when did i become like this? it has sneaked up on me and now i don't know what to do about it. how can i stop, its easier said than done.

:: 2005 14 June :: 6.47pm
:: Mood: amazed
:: Music: itunes

sin city
Sin City- phwor- i am in awe.