I have always wanted a secret admirer. Lots of my daydreams involve a secret admirer admiting their feelings or being found out. Just the idea of it makes me feel special and incredable. i so long for it to come true. i mean, im not stupid, i know that it'll never happen just sometimes i wish it would and theres no harm in dreaming is there?
Sometimes i wounder why i am so obsessed about wanting a girl/boyfriend. iOther than the physical points their obviously no different to a friend only way more complicated. it's just a habit i suppose- i've spent more than half my life wanting someone and i've never even come closereally, except with G and that doesn't really count because i was so young. A an G2 don't count either because i hardly knew them let alone have anything that constituted as a "relationship".
Everyone it seems, even the ones that aren't bi have kissed a girl. i never have. i have have never done anything with a girl. Even though i accepted that i wanted to way over a year ago. this fact depresses me. Everyones like: " oh yeah girls are better kissers than boys" i wouldn't know. or "...well i've kissed a girl OBVIOUSLY" THERE IS NO OBVIOUSLY ABOUT IT!!! sorry but this annoys me. the last time i kissed anyone in fact was about a year ago and that was a dare... i need human contact! just a hug makes me feel amazing these days, not amazing in that way but special and loved. i need more hugs!!! and kisses and someone there who wants tham off me aswell.
Oh woe is me! i'm desined for a life alone. when i s4ee my life in the future i only see me, where i live, where i work and a cat... actually it proberbly wouldn't be that bad, if i ever wanted physically company i guess i could pay a gigalo!
i look in the mirror and i don't know what i see anymore. i'm so used to me staring back that i've become to accept the way that i look even though i really shouldn't. i couldv'e done something to make myself look better i'm sure. the weight issue i obviously caused- i have no one else but myself that i can blame for that and that makes it worse. As for my personality, i try so hard to be a NICE person- why? so many people are "un"nice to me- actually i guess i try to be nice because i don't want to be like those people, i don't want to be someone that everybody hates. i'm so weak that if i was a character from harry potter i would proberbly be my least favourite, Peter Petigrew (sp). i would just hate it i turned out like one of those people, its one of my worst nightmares but the thing that really scares me is that maybe i already am one of these people? what if i already am one of these people and i don't even know? that makes it even worse.
When i was a little girl i was nice. in fact i was quite popular. i liked people and they liked me. life was simple. no worries. i was pretty, i was the smartest girl in the school and the neatest. boys fancied me and girls wanted to be me. believe it or not this is not an exageration... and now look what i have become. i always assumed that i would grow up beautiful and kind, marry a nice, hansome man,and have two beautiful kids...oh yeah, i had it all planed out (before i was 10 years old) i also had boyfriends then too, one of them lasting from when i was 7 til i was 9! that was G. i still see him around coz his mum lives down my lane and we wave and be civil to one another. we then went on and off for about anther two years! its weird to think it now... specially as i then set him up with cath... then mira who went out with him for under a week... he was her first pash (snog- ahhh i hate that word) this was a couple of years ago.the weird thing is that even tough i see him so litte i still really fancy him- i think i always will.
Anyway, all of that has gone, i didn't grow up beautiful, i don't know if i even want ot get married or have children anymore, i'm not the smart one anymore, i don't even know if im a nice person anymore and i recently heard tht G really hates me.
my life has gone from every girls dream to my life in just a matter of a few years. whats going to happen to the rest of my life??? do i want to find out?

Can I?