godessalthena
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2017 25 January :: 6.32am
im sad for the world and america.
like being around a train wreck and being forced to watch.
- No -
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godessalthena
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2017 18 January :: 10.53pm
why does it feel like i give and people take and that's it
i feel like my cup is empty
but nothing i do to fill it seems to work
- No -
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godessalthena
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2017 16 January :: 6.22pm
the KI project im doing at work has me feeling invigorated. it is extremely validating and i feel extremely excited at the prospect of the monetary rewards for saving the company some money in the long term. but most importantly i'm lookin forward to improving the quality of work life. if people were less frustrated with the process i believe they will start working with a higher quality.
or at least my life will be less painful because it will be harder to mess things up because there won't be 2,098,394 places in the transaction to mess it up.
unfortunately, i also have jury duty starting tomorrow. i do not want to get picked. 2 weeks ago i would have loved to have been selected and go thru the whole process, but now i find it much more valueable to be at work and working towards this 30 day deadline.
it helps that the klapper guy is so encouraging. i feel safe to try and be stupid and mess things up, because a boss figure said it was okay. and he's not one of us. which makes me feel like i can trust him.
i have never been happier at work than i am right now. i feel that my skills are finally being valued appropriately and this is my opportunity to finally shine. my year review was better than last years, and i am optimistic this year will be even better. while my life is virtually reduced to a set of numbers, with this new opportunity i almost feel like more than a number.
i fucking love being more than a number.
- No -
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godessalthena
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2017 12 January :: 11.00pm
why is coheed & cambria so fucking cool?
and god damn i would love a bite of claudio'a hair mmmm hmmmm
- No -
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godessalthena
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2017 11 January :: 8.28pm
sooooooooo not looking forward to tomorrow.
meeting a new doctor who will hopefully help with fmla. i fucking hate doctors. they make me feel so many deep dark emotions
my year performance review happens too. that's going to be completely wretched.
adulting fucking sucks.
- No -
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godessalthena
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2017 8 January :: 7.31am
sometimes i think i'd love to live in seattle again. i'd be able to go to the zoo or the science center whenever i want. i could maybe make some friends and explore the city.
and then i think about the earthquakes and the traffic and i talk myself out of it. spokane isn't so bad is it. or is it.
i just don't know how to decide what to do with my future. for how valueable i am, my current employer undervalues me. is it worth trying to find something better.
or are my job stoppers really going to stop me from getting a job.
- No -
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godessalthena
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2017 4 January :: 11.14pm
and it really feels suffocating room filling with water barely hanging on
- No -
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godessalthena
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2017 1 January :: 1.30am
happy 4th of july everyone
$87 cab ride home from idaho
danced, drank & smiled
kisses at midnight
NYE successful
2017... ready! set!
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 29 December :: 2.33pm
:: Mood: high
fuck it dog life's a risk
https://youtu.be/kF4KkXLxW0Q
sittin in my whip smoking by myself while it's 30 degrees out
can't let him see me cry
i am just so FUCKED and i need some help
but you can't ask you just can't fucking ask it's too scary
i can't be seen as vulnerable
i can't be weak
i can't stand still
oh my god it's like boo fucking hoo it's just all about you. and, man, you're so sensitive
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 29 December :: 9.46am
our year end performance review is drawing nigh and i know mine is going to be dismal. even though i work hard when im at work and am meeting my numbers, since i've had 14 unplanned absencense this year i know it's going to destroy any good that i've got going on.
and the stupidest part is if my doctor would have just filled out my fmla paperwork it wouldn't be an issue. but no, she's a shitty doctor and im being punished for it.
i just want the review to be done so i can get over it, rather than it hanging over my head like the specter of defeat.
im tired of working my ass off and still being told i'm no good.
i want winter to be over.
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 27 December :: 7.59am
fever cough stuffy death
out of time off at work
have to be here with a fever
because my fracking doctor wouldn't fill out my fmla paperwork
not until we "tried everything" even though nothing helped and i was still missing work
i fucking HATE doctors
i don't give them any more respect than i do a criminal
because that's what they are
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 21 December :: 10.36pm
i don't know if i have had someone feel this strongly about me since jeremiah. mexicans are very passionate people. sometimes i feel like i'm too cynical to fully enjoy how wonderful love can really be. i'm not afraid to get hurt, i think it's more my ability to feel deeply has been somewhat diminished.
i've missed my passion for a long time. i've always wanted to find it again. i used to think that maybe having kids would fill that, but now that having kids is more of a real possibility than ever before, i feel myself getting cold feet. the whole idea terrifies me. it changes things in a very real way and once you have them you can't unhave them. is that really what i want? what do i even want. i haven't really given it much thought. i mean definitely a house, a car, a career, but never more than that. and now i find myself even questioning if these are things i want or just what i feel i should want.
but now i'm almost out of my 20's and things are speeding up. my life is 100% controlled by my work schedule. would having kids be a welcome change of pace? i already just stay at home all the time anyway. what would it really make worse? what would it really make better?
bjorne is snoring. he's so adorable. i love him so much, even if he's a wretched pizza junkie. fatty mcfatteraon. takes after his ma. hahaha
but seriously my look was on point today. i am in love with my urban decay naked basics 2 palette. the matte neutrals just make such a soft and elegant look. understated glamour. i've been wearing this really cool lipstick from portland black lipstick company that i didn't really like at first, but with this palette i feel like i really get this sweet look going. kinda edgy at work but not too in your face. i've really toned down my whole look. i'm not sure how i feel about it. is it because i'm getting older and feel compelled to "act my age" or is it because my tastes are changing.
hard to tell anymore. fuck it. i don't even fuckin care.
4 Disobeyed |
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 18 December :: 11.36am
is it too much to ask that once
just once
a big purchase of mine wouldn't turn out to be a lemon.
i just want something to work as advertised.
just once
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 18 December :: 7.08am
7am on a sunday.. why da fuq am i awake
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 16 December :: 3.03pm
as a teenager i was the pizza face d'jour
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 13 December :: 10.18pm
kinda disappointed in myself that only one person got a hand made gift this year!
just bought a bunch of things on the interwebs..
having the hardest time figuring out what to get him. i found this great t shirt. want to get him some band or guitar stuff.. but worried it won't do.
maybe ill make a pick jar.
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 13 December :: 2.08pm
you'll pretend that i can see you
and i'll pretend that you're the one
because that's what we want.
but no one ever can really see you. it's not your face they see in the mirror.
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 8 December :: 11.56pm
i made the cutest "ugly sweater" for work tomorrow.
im so jazzed to wear it i could pop!
i also made lemon bars. they turned out alright.
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 6 December :: 9.23am
winter sucks la la laaaaa
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 30 November :: 12.15pm
dear jamie, there are some things i'd like to set in pen. i would have used a pencil but lead's just not permanent.
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 22 November :: 6.06pm
it's kinda funny my favorite pipe is a lefty.
i was listening to let's go crazy today. it made me wonder what if this is heaven? and where ever we came from before was much worse? we just don't know the difference.
tried to bleach some chunks into my hair, but the developer i used wasn't a strong enough level, so it barely did anything. ill redo it in a few days, but i'm upset i damaged it for what is virtually nothing.
all i know is that this four day weekend will taste even better than my bacon dinner. so so so ready to not be at work for a while. it seems like i never get enough time away.
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 19 November :: 4.18am
fuck u
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 18 November :: 6.53am
it's good to be in love
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 15 November :: 7.06pm
why do my friends keep turning into abusive toxic people.
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 15 November :: 5.31pm
:: Music: modest mouse - gravity rides everything
Early, early in the morning
It pulls all on down my sore feet
I want to go back to sleep
In the motions and the things that you say
It all will fall, fall right into place
As fruit drops, flesh it sags
Everything will fall right into place
When we die some sink and some lay
But at least I don't see you float away
And on split milk, sex and weight
It all will fall, fall right into place
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 12 November :: 10.41am
puked everywhere
can't stop this stupid fucking coughing
food hates me
ran out of aleve, birth control, clean undies and clothing all on the same day out of town
i just want to roll over and give up
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 10 November :: 10.04pm
i just can't shake this anxious feeling
in my arms in my neck in my belly
i can feel the air around me decaying
i can see the rot in all living things
the entropy of the universe permeating the porous surfaces and breaking apart the sentinel stones
i can feel
what little of me
that was left
falling into dismal fear
and evaporating as the wind sweeps past
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 9 November :: 1.16am
here's to living the next four years stoned off
my ass
as to not remember the end of the world.
2 Disobeyed |
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 2 November :: 6.55am
6 days until we can watch actual news again
- No -
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godessalthena
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2016 28 October :: 7.35pm
feels good to get some shit off my plate.
here's to hoping it helps!
- No -
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