doin whut com<u>e</u>s naturally

:: 2012 10 October :: 5.46am

Totally re-purchasing Battle Royale..

Watching Hunger Games.. And thinking.. WTF REALLY?!?

Ugh

:: 2012 6 October :: 5.27pm

Too much drinking :(

:: 2012 1 October :: 10.43pm

What would you do if somebody stopped you? What would you say to the world?

:: 2012 30 September :: 12.09pm

I'm hoping the up-coming weekend will make out to be some much-needed therapy.

I have been taking my temperature everyday at the same time per Dr.'s orders to see if I "run cold" especially during my "girly times" if you catch my drift.. The hard part of it though, is with Mirena, I don't really have anything besides spotting.. On average I'm about a 98.1, on my one spotting day I was at a 97.1.. Is that just a fluke or what? I need to set up another appointment with him. He was saying that having a low temperature, especially when your period happens can be a sign of hypothyroidism, which is something every Dr. I've seen in the last 6 years has thought and had me tested for.

So I guess we'll see what happens there..

I just need a distraction right now.. I'm already doing full-time work, full-time school and I'm still just feeling like I have no wind-down time. I don't feel like I get to have a little mental vacation every weekend. I just need something fun to make me forget about this ugly patch.

15 touched my hand... | and tha sun got brighter then

:: 2012 29 September :: 5.28pm
:: Mood: pessimistic

This hollow feeling won't go away. I feel it deep inside my heart, and it's terrible. I feel so depressed and hopeless.. I'd say numb but I think that sounds fucking stupid. I am in a transitional state and I'm just scared.

What if I make the wrong decision?
What if I never make it up to baseline?
What if what if what if...

I hate being grown up. All I want to do right now is dye my hair black, put on my armor for sleep hoodie and listen to angels and airwaves until I pass out. Then wake up and have to deal with stupid high school drama, because that was so much easier than this.

I just want to retreat into somewhere else and pretend none of the last 6 years ever happened. I'm just trying to find something to hold onto before my ego is permanently washed away.

:: 2012 28 September :: 10.34pm

I am so confused right now. And I need some guidence. But I don't want it from anyone I know.

Idk sometimes I wish I could believe in a higher power, and was crazy enough to feel like they are talking to me.

I feel like such a ninny.

:: 2012 23 September :: 5.48am

Happy days are here again

:: 2012 13 September :: 7.22pm

existential crisis
i need out.

none of this has any meaning anymore.

i have no room for errors now.

nothing i do is right.

nothing i do is good enough.

i'm just a pathetic waste of time and space and i am not worth anything at all.

i just want to take a vacation.

i just want to forget i exist.

nothing seems to matter anymore.

:: 2012 12 September :: 6.33am

I hate being so fucking broken.

:: 2012 5 September :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: accomplished

I finished all my homework for the week. These first two classes are pretty simple, though it is just the first week. I'm feeling confident that I'll be more successful here than at SCC.

Emily says she's visiting in a month or so. We kinda ended on a sour note, but whatever. I think she was just so excited to get the fuck out of dodge. I just hate feeling like I'm not important to her. And anymore, we don't have anything in common, and we're both so busy.

My Rika is SO fucking cute. She's now about 4 and a half months, and she's still INSANELY tiny. Two pounds max. And she loves getting kisses, and cuddling, and sitting in your lap and giving you kisses and she growls so adorably. She's just the biggest bucket of cute ever.

It's my weekend. Today is designated "game day" so lots of Alan Wake and D&D, and then maybe some Being Human later.

Hopefully this weekend makes me feel better than the last one.

:: 2012 29 August :: 1.50am

You know they write songs about girls like you..

This could be the end of everything..

Shining when I'm alone..

:: 2012 25 August :: 1.48pm
:: Mood: Apprehensive

So I stopped working out after my birthday, not sure why other than lazy and got out of the habit. I lost 16lbs, gained 5lbs back. Samie and I are starting workouts again today.

I have to lose somewhere between 75 and 90 pounds total to be at a healthy weight. I know in the past I have become discouraged looking at that number, at the big picture. This time around I'm going to focus on the little wins. My goal is 1-2 pounds a week, which I think is reasonable. I'm going to take pictures of myself every 10lbs so I can have them for myself when I reach my final goal.

I'd be super pumped and say that I'm going to do this and succeed, but I think we all know that's just stupid. I really want to succeed this time..

I start school on the 3rd of September, but I'm worried about it. My academic counselor is a flakey mcflakerson so I don't even know what classes I'm taking. I should have my AA in 9 months, hopefully by then I'll have a new position in the company. I think this is finally the turning point in my life where I start doing things to improve myself, rather than skate by.

Here's to my success. Good luck, me.

:: 2012 23 August :: 10.34pm
:: Mood: angry

Dear Mark,
I wasn't sure what to think of you when we started training. Then we started sitting next to each other on the floor and I immediately connected with you. I wanted so badly to be your friend and be a part of your life. So I did everything in my power to become close friends with you.

To be completely honest, I was in love with you for a part of that. I don't know why, because you were always a selfish, fair weather asshole.

I have no idea what I saw in you. All those late nights being head over heels for you. And then you left the team and I saw you once after that. Because you didn't give two shots about me. I was a joke. You even let your friends drunk dial me and make fun of me. You're such a waste of my time and feelings. I had devoted so much of my time trying to get any bit of reciprocation out of you in any way and it was all for nothing.

I'm just so done with you. All I am to you is a number in your phone.

Well fuck you. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

I don't ever want to hear from you again. You're dead to me. Like you should have been when you tried to finger my room mate while I was sitting RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO YOU.

I hate you Mark Alice.

Sincerely,
ameber

2 touched my hand... | and tha sun got brighter then

:: 2012 18 August :: 2.06pm

I really don't understand you..

I had a TON of fun playing D&D last night! Tho I'm super tired this morning.
Now to go to work n be lonely. :(

:: 2012 15 August :: 1.58pm

It's always so strange finding people you once loved and seeing how completely insane they've become.

I'm starting to feel like there really isn't any hope for this batch, we need to scratch it and start over again.

I'm finally at a place in my life where I find my body beautiful. And it's hard to want to make a change to it. What's more is I don't want to change because I don't want to become just another bimbo in the main stream.

I hate this culture sometimes.

:: 2012 9 August :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Jenna Marbles

Headed out soon to Samie's, picking up the gang and then out to the Steelhead and then to PJ's :3 I love drinking with Samie haha it's always a fucking blast!

Prefunking at home, Sus is a good DD :3 and cornstarch is a lifesaver haha

I'm so excited!!

:: 2012 5 August :: 3.02pm

Tuesday makes 4 years. We're going to Silverwood and in general being silly. I just hope it turns out to be epic!

:: 2012 4 August :: 8.35pm

I am so fucking sick of myself.

I just want to restart all this bullshit.

Actually I just want to never had done any of this stupid shit and do something better.

Fuck I suck.