doin whut com<u>e</u>s naturally

2 touched my hand... | and tha sun got brighter then

:: 2014 6 July :: 3.20am

It's that random message at 3 am that simply says "I love you".. That never comes.

And you are left waiting your whole life to be saved.

And you know you are the only one to save yourself.. And even after you saved yourself.. You still wait..

:: 2014 29 June :: 1.09am

I hope those feelings are dead enough not to be resurrected.

:: 2014 26 June :: 8.16pm
:: Mood: accomplished

First day and night in the new apartment. It has a breath taking view, so much space and storage, a nice neighborhood, quiet neighbors... I feel so at home here. I feel so good.

Maybe moving out was an over reaction.. But I did to want to get yelled at anymore and that was the second time she had done it.. And I don't think she was going to stop. I just felt so uncomfortable and unwanted, and I'm sure she felt the same way. I think her and I have a lot of negative personality traits in common, or it's the Taurus in her and the Aries in me that just mix like oil and water. I have been really depressed over the loss of a friend, because Laura an I did get along really well when we didn't hate each other. But I don't feel like she respects me and she feels like I don't respect her and it was just a toxic atmosphere.

What makes me even more upset is how she feels the need to take every opportunity she can to insult me and hate on me via face book. I fucking hate all the FB drama. It's so completely ridiculous. I do to want to smear Laura's reputation, I don't want to spread vicious ideas. I just want to move on and forget this happened. Just take the lessons I learned and move forward. And she wants to be as mean as she can, like she has some kind of personal vendetta against me. I have done so much and given her so much, trying to make her happy and help her feel better and get healthier and she just hates me for it.

And I know I can be thoughtless sometimes. I know that I have a problem with that because Sus used to get mad at me all the time. And I apologize when it happens and I try to do better the next time, but that doesn't matter. I can never repent for my sins. I just need to be torn down loud enough for everyone around to hear and in front of people I care about. Maybe I really am I horrible person like I've always thought. Or maybe I'm not. I have no fucking idea haha.

Anyway, I am completely enamored with this apartment. A few touches and some deep cleaning and it will be awesome! I am so fucking excited!! XD Lauren needs to come home and help me decorate :3

:: 2014 25 June :: 9.37pm

Tomorrow is the big day :D

:: 2014 20 June :: 10.07am

Today is just a sad day.

3 touched my hand... | and tha sun got brighter then

:: 2014 19 June :: 9.14pm

How did the word "pram face" come into existence? Do you know, Jamie?

3 touched my hand... | and tha sun got brighter then

:: 2014 19 June :: 2.44pm

Signing my new lease on the 27th :) planning on moving my stuff that weekend! I can't wait to have a place that is all mine.

I feel like now I am really becoming an adult. I'm completely self reliant, single, in school and holding down a full time job with the same company for 4 years! (I just had my anniversary!!)

I'm going to get organized, get on top of my spending habits.

:: 2014 17 June :: 12.44pm

I find the "no make-up" look, involving make up, completely absurd.

:: 2014 16 June :: 2.22pm

Dropping off my application at a new apartment! It is so retro adorable. I love all the space, and everything will be new, and my bathroom is like 2x's bigger, so is the kitchen. It's just so cute and well laid out. :)

Plus.. Indoor heated pool. WTFFFF HELL YES haha

Sorry, john herer brings out the crazy girl in me. Haha.

I'm so excited XD

:: 2014 12 June :: 6.58am

I never want to go to that apartment ever again. The remainder of the lease is 4 months. Samie had a great idea tho..

Pay Laura the next 4 months of rent, or maybe even pay it to the management company, and then get off the lease and leave. I can't stay there. I don't feel safe.

And 4 months is a VERY long time.

Fuck that ass hole.

:: 2014 10 June :: 6.28am

I saw Rosie and Lauren's mom out for a walk on my way to work this morning :)

5 touched my hand... | and tha sun got brighter then

:: 2014 8 June :: 8.11pm

I finally got up the guts to tell Laura I'm moving out when the lease is up.

It's going to suck paying all my bills on my own.. Oh well. I think the freedom will really be the reward.

Bleh

:: 2014 7 June :: 6.20pm

wow. just wow. <3

2 touched my hand... | and tha sun got brighter then

:: 2014 7 June :: 10.56am

i use the same voice for every impersonation i do

:: 2014 6 June :: 3.12pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Brand New

JESUS CHRIST
Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone I could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missin' out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
'cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?
'cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates, does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you're coming in the night like a thief
But I've had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up (everyone now)

So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you're coming for the people like me
We all got wood and nails
And tongue-tied at hate factories
We all got wood and nails
And tongue-tied at hate factories
We all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

:: 2014 5 June :: 10.13pm

Continuously using me is one thing.. Stealing my shit is quite another.

I wish it wasn't so late. I want to stay up and pour out my emotions. But I don't want to be dead tomorrow either :( fuck being an adult. Ugh.