anachronism
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2005 1 August :: 12.29pm
:: Music: Fleetwood Mac - Tusk
"You want to be a whore without claiming the title."
That line is so true to society.
I honestly don't think that could have been said any better.
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jayzulla
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2005 31 July :: 2.42am
This post is going to be nothing but self pity. so dont bother posting and yelling at me.
I sit here and think about everything. Sitting alone today for hours. Smoking, drinking a few beers. being alone. iv gone through life trying to play the hand i was delt. sometimes i cant help but try and pull the ace from my sleve. i know where im going with life. but i have a hole i cant fucking fill now. self pity is a bitch. i dont write this on paper, because i dont feel like it does anything for me. fuck it, i lost track of my words.
"im sorry mama, i didnt clean my room"
only one person in the world can connect with me on that. and it makes my eyes watery.
nothings simple, ever.
4 hits |
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jayzulla
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2005 30 July :: 1.26pm
Highlife, camals, and grilled burgers with jack daniels bbq sauce. tell me what a better breakfast could have in it?
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neverending
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1996 29 July :: 12.25am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: black eyed peas.pump
You never fail to amaze me...
Please jay explain to me what ''flinging shit'' means.I honestly dodnt understand it. I didnt say i was perfect by the way, in fact it wasnt mentioned. I didnt do a thing to you -emotionallly you cause trauma for yourself. im not the only one with that opinion by the way.You and sam huh? beautiful.... noone could see that coming...i dont really have a problem with either of you. You are nuetral to me - neither friend or enemy. Sam was/is nice but obviously certain circumstancing took its toll on that.you and i were better friends. we were to alike in the wrong place and too diiferent in the same places. anyawys enough wasting my time...
neilee and i are going canoeing up north tommorow. It will be fun.I havent been in forever.We ran out of work today... kinda sucks but i mightdo sorting to earn extra mula. Oh yeah kate neilee's going to borrow Harry Potter if that is allright.
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Kate
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2005 28 July :: 12.38pm
Who's bored and available?
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jayzulla
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2005 28 July :: 1.56am
Alright. Here it goes. Listen up assholes. Lot shits been getting tossed around. Heres your chance to cowboy the fuck up, and actually say something to me, with out running around my back and doing it. so, go ahead shoot.
Edit : If i ever, and i mean ever hear one person talk shit about Gravy, or even hear from someone else that you were. you'll pray to god that you never even thought a word. dont talk shit about people you dont know you fucking idiots.
14 hits |
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jayzulla
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2005 28 July :: 1.42am
The more im in cedar, the more people i realize who lack taste.
Edit : its been a long week already. i got home today from the cottage. probley the best time iv been away from home this summer. my uncle doug told me stories about my grandpa. and about some of the weaker links in our family. things that made me want to kill a mother fucker. some shit my parents kept from me, to make me a better person, to make me not hate. but i find it to hard now.
on the good side i did get to watch a sweet thunder storm over the lake.
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neverending
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1996 26 July :: 12.10am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: gwen stefani.bubblepopeletric
humanity can be so disappointing
its been awhile. my comp's been down. i have met a beautiful guy! most of ya'll met him on sunday. Our future is uncertain because he is going to Ohio for college but i think we can make it work. I have shed some tears but it's progressing.i told him i would wait for him until he got back in two years fom now.I know its hard to beleive but guys like him DONOT come around very often. He's sweet, cute, funny, a perfect gentleman, and Godly. i started crying at my party -i felt stupid but its hard for both of us. he held me (and i think i saw a tear) and he said ''this wouldnt be so hard if you weren't so perfect''. We had our first (mouth to mouth) kiss that night.It was one of the most perfect kisses I have had. He said'' you're 16 now...aren't you supposed to get a kiss?'' i smiled through my tears and said ''yes''.we did touch teeth and i kinda giggled and he says ''i'm sorry, I don't have a lot of expirence...''. i hope to God that we are meant to be. he's so different. he's respectful of me which is something i havent much expirenced. Speaking of which I have come to find out that Jay cheated on me twice. I pity him so much. i really do. i probably shouldn't be like this but oh well he is nothing to me. bennet made me realize how beautiful I am on the inside,which means a great deal because Jay made me feel like the scum of the earth and now i look back and realize he is. and you know, he will never ever see it and thats why i pity him mostly. i have heard that he just wants a summer fling but is having trouble finding one.Amazing i find a beautiful relationship when im not even looking and Jay tries to get a measly phsical relationship and he fails.Anyways enough of that.I have had a lot of tension and i feel better now. Things actually are coming into place now...my licence, jobs, work expirence in my field of choice, a relationship, and im going someplace! sweet sixteen and never felt better.... i have gotten to know many of you better -stacy kate and lisa.i love you all very much. You're each so beautiful and spcial to me.
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anachronism
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2005 25 July :: 3.49pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan - Don't Think Twice, It's All Right
I'm just trying to forget and move on.
It hurts, but I have to get past that.
I've never felt so much regret for one night.
dsbhfbsdhfbdshfhdsafadb;fjdasf
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jayzulla
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2005 23 July :: 2.11pm
i do break a lot of shit. and iv tried to break a lot of shit. buncha chairs, tried setting a couch on fire, shades, cough my liver.
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anachronism
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2005 23 July :: 7.05am
Tainted.
Nothing will ever be the same.
I can't feel like I used to. All I want to do is go back a week and change everything.
I want to feel wanted. Like I'm the only one. Like I'm not only good enough, but I'm so much more. Not settled for.
I want to feel the security I felt a few days ago.
So cherished and loved.
But, everything's gone.
And I feel empty and sad.
His company doesn't even soothe me anymore because I feel worthless.
I hate myself.
Attachment is the worst disease. It makes you do stupid shit.
I feel stupid, like a pushover. People can just hurt me and get away with it because I feel so fucking strong and I care so fucking much.
I'm ruined. I feel like that spark of happiness and optimism is gone. My mind is poisoned with that image that won't go away.
Him and her..
I'm pathetic. I'm weak. I am what I never wanted to be.
Things will never be the same.
I don't feel pretty anymore. I'm not confident with my body anymore.
When we kiss I don't feel special. That feeling of complete happiness is lost and replaced with him and her together. I'm not special or the only anymore. I'm just another.
And all of this makes me sick to my stomach.
I want true love and perfection. What I thought I had.
My future looks like a series of huge mistakes.
I have never cared so much about someone that has hurt me so much. I can't help it. I know what I should do, but I can't do it. I've fallen in love with someone who doesn't feel how they used to. Something left them.. and here I am..being more in love than ever.
"Go with your heart."
Nothing has ever been so wrong.
Don't.
Be careful.
Think.
Be willing to get hurt, 'cause you will.
Everyone is a liar.
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anachronism
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2005 20 July :: 10.05pm
Please just be happy for me and don't think I am a dolt.
God.. I can finally breathe.
So, we're back together.. sort of.
We talked for a few hours and we decided that we need to work on everything. We both need to change and make our relationship better to keep it stronger.
We're going to take everything slow and slowly get to being normal again.
It's not like everything is solved and we're completely happy.
We need time.
All I know is that losing him would be the worst possible thing that could happen to me at this point.
All the rumors have been cleared. Every little question has been answered. [Edit:The rumors were true. And the answers were false.]
It's not perfect and I'm not all joyous, but I'm much, much better.
I can finally stop crying and just eat something.
Thank you for all the support. Especially from the people I didn't expect it from.
I'm still kind've a wreck and complete drained of all energy.. but it'll fade and hopefully I, no we can just be happy again.
I love you.
On a side note, thank you most of all to Matt. You've been here the most. And today was awesome. What a good fucking talk. I mean, you even got burned by a McDonalds employee.
Digi mon! Digital monsters!
Also, Erika.. thank you for calling me. :)
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anachronism
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2005 20 July :: 1.53pm
Save me.
I've called everyone I know or they know to try and find him.
I left three messages begging him to call me back, only to find the phone to be turned off when I tried again. I figured my annoyance would be enough of a bother for him to just fucking talk to me.
I'm sure he cheated on me.
I know he lied to me.
I have no idea where the fuck he stayed last night.
It's like he was waiting to be single so he could just go back to being a piece of shit low life.
I tried to save him, because his friends are too fucking selfish to support him being a better person. And realize that there is a time to grow up.
It's not that I dislike any of his friends personally. I do like them, I just wish they would help him be better.
I've found that I've never loved someone as much as this and that I didn't realize what I had until it was gone. And now it's gone forever and I'm going to spend months crying, trying to just not waste away to nothing.
I loved him.. so fucking much. And what do I get? I get cheated on, lied to, and betrayed.
After one stupid fight.
I want to die.
It's fucking insane how things change so much.
True love? Bullshit.
You're the one person I thought would never hurt me. Ever!
I can't do anything.
I tried to sleep, I just cried.
I tried to eat, I just got sick.
I try to occupy my time with this stupid fucking computer and t.v. but nothing helps. I wish my memory could just be erased and I could be ok again.
I had to leave work because I couldn't stop crying and I was too weak from not eating for two days.
I've never been so hurt in my life.
I can't believe you ruined me.
I'm a complete and total wreck.
Yours forever?
Forever must not be too long.
You ruiend everything. I didn't even get to expierence half of what a real relationship is. There was so much ahead of us that I was looking forward to.
Now what?!
What the fuck do I do!?!
15 hits |
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anachronism
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2005 20 July :: 6.42am
I've never felt so low and alone.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I can't stop crying.
I can't even catch my breath to just breathe.
I feel like I'm constantly going to throw up.
Everywhere I look there's something that is his or reminds me of him.
Everything I do reminds me of him.
I can't escape and I feel so betrayed, angry, used, stupid, lied to!
The worst thing is, is that he doesn't care at all.
He's taking it fine.. while I'm here fucking dying.
He was like my God damn air and you can't have that just be with you one second and gone the next.
And I can't ever get him back. And that.. kills me more than anything ever could.
I just don't want to feel like this anymore.
I know it's only been one day, but I can't take it.
One day is way too much.
I don't know what to do.
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anachronism
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2005 19 July :: 4.25pm
Tears staining my face.
I knew it couldn't last.
11 hits |
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