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dazed
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2004 6 May :: 8.49pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Joyride~impure
what you want. You can not have.
Sitting here, feeling down. I was thinking that I shouldn't be sad just because I don't see bryan and then it hit me. I'm not sad because of him, I feel like this because I'm not happy with my life right now.
All I've been thinking is school. I hate it. I need to find a career. One that I will love and won't want to shoot myself evertime I get up in the morning because this really sucks.
It actually got kinda fun today. Not having to work and listen to lectures. Just have fun conversations with some teachers. Only a few weeks left and I'm done for over 3 months. Then it's my last year. I'll be 18 and be able to make my own rules.
I learned yesturday that my brother went behind my back and made a deal with my grandma to buy her house. So now I am fucked. I'm going to move away from here. Leave everything behind (except my blue blanky) and say fuck it.
1 comment |
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dazed
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2004 5 May :: 9.55pm
:: Mood: Depressed
:: Music: Never Say Never ~ Goodbye
Eternal Letter Left Unsent
I was just thinking about memories. I hate looking back on them. Even if they are happy memories they still make me sad.
I am done with my calc exam. Hopefully I passed, hopefully I didn't. Either way I don't mind.
I have history MEAP tomorrow. Yippy Fucking doo. I want to shoot myself this week.
I'm so emotional. I have been since Friday. One minute I'll be so happy and the next I want to slit my throat. WTF is up with that?
It might be because, someone I care about doesn't seem to care about me. I just need to get things figured out with him. Today we were suppose to see each other and mike made him stay at the track meet. I understand that... but I was sitting at home waiting until IIIII called him. I was upset, so I left. I went to the baseball game. I had to think. It was a nice relaxtion time. I am going to try to talk to him about it this weekend.
'Allison'
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justyn
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2004 5 May :: 4.22pm
your a fucking slut.
3 comments |
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dazed
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2004 1 May :: 4.01pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Sweet Surrender
It's all that I have to give.
*sigh* I have been feeling like shit.
He wants to have sex with me, But that's all it will be is sex. At least that is the feeling I have.
It will mean nothing, and I can't do that.
I feel so lost. I need help.
*tears*
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justyn
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2004 1 May :: 1.34pm
hmm, i find it kinda funny that mindy said she was going to look really hot for prom....
i've seen her look better before.
yeah, so nothing really good has happened lately, prom last night blew ass, i have no money, i'm supposed to be filming shit for TV pro right now but i feel sick, I'm talking to ally on msn and have been since like 9, damn thats a long time, somone should get online and shit.
6 comments |
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dazed
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2004 25 April :: 5.40pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Blink 182~I'm Sorry
You're not the one.
It's been almost three weeks since I updated. There is a lot going on I guess. I don't remember what happened the week of the 10th oh yeah.. It was spring break. Nothin cool happened. I didn't do anything until the 10th. I don't remember what though. The next week my parents were gone. Didn't do anythign then either. Oh.. I had bryan over friday, late night. He was suppose to come over thursday but being as I am number 3 on his list of importance, he decided to go eat tacos with fucking kelly. Anyways... Then Saturday I asked if he wanted to hang out at a party. He asked how long i'd be there and stuff and he was like okay. So, sunday morning rolls around and I call him up.
Me: What'd you end up doin' last night?
Him: Oh, Tiann came over, we jumped on the trampoline and hung out.
Me: That's cool.......not ReAlLy.
Grr.. that pisses me off as well. I mean I know he wants to hang with his friends and stuff. But I asked him previous to these people and he just decides to hang out with them and not even let me know. So here I am a pathetic fucking puppy waiting for it's owner that never shows.
Okay. Done with that now, onto the next week. It was band follies and stuff and I've been feeling really depressed lately. Mainly about the relationship I am in and myself in general. It feels like I'm trying everything I can to get him to see me and it's like he doesn't want to. The whole time during follies he was with kelly.
Then thursday, he called me. We talked for a little bit and then he said he was at the track meet and that if I wanted to talk to him he would have his cell on and with him and to call. Then, the next day he called as well. He talked to me for a little bit and stuff and then he had to go. Yesturday/last night was prom. We spent the whole day together. We went to grand rapids at like 10 and got back at around two. We went to get his vest and then we went to krispy Kreme and got donuts, then to best buy and guitar center. We came back he stayed for about a half an hour then went home to take a shower and stuff. I did the same thing as well. He came and picked me up at 4 and we went out to eat. We get back at 7 and we change into our prom stuff. We get pictures,go to his house and get more pictures and then finally we are off to the dance. It was pretty fun I guess. We left a little early and just drove around, looked at houses.
I went over to rachel's today and we hung out and went to family dollar.
And now I'm home..feeling not like myself.
4 comments |
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dazed
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2004 7 April :: 5.41pm
I almost died today. I almost passed out and I was in over a foot of water. So I would have drowned.
I'm gettin gmy hair done today. Bryan might be coming over. If his ass calls sometime soon...
I had an akward conversation with my mom. She saw a woman she despised and I asked why. She simply replied I'll tell you when you are older. I was like .. oh I know... and she' s like you do and I go yeah.. I wasn't stupid when I was younger. And she's like how could you know.. your brother doesn't even remember. And I was like.. are you sure and she was like yes. I really think he remembers. I remember... I remember everything, where she lived, what car we had, where we went out to eat with her..
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dazed
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2004 4 April :: 2.47pm
:: Music: Red hot chili peppers
Peace of mind
Bryan came over last night. He got here at about 8 and didn't leave until quarter after 11. It was.. spectacular. Wow. I'm still all excited about it. I can't stop thinking and feeling how he made me feel. When I breathe I feel open, each breath feels so good. *sigh* Bryan is the best kisser. Haha. Man.. I'm completely head over heals for him!
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dazed
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2004 2 April :: 2.42pm
Allison,
Hey! How are you? I hope only the best. So how was your day yesturday? Mine was good. My favorite part was lunch. That is my favorite time of everyday, because I get to see you and talk to you. Do you remember the converstaion in band yesturday? About the "kissing" thing. I really do not care. I never have cared. I told you that I didn't care. I told you I was open to anything, except the final thing. About the other kissing thing, I didn't know how you would feel if I just kissed you. But now that I know you wouldn't care, I will do it more often..
About the concert on saturday, i am not sure if I can go. I did not ask my parents, because my mom was not home by the time I got home from drumline. When do you need to know by? when are you buying the tickets? My parents are going to want to know who is going, who will be driving and all that kind of stuff. Well I am going to go. Do you have to babysit tonight? I might call when I am in G.R if not, I will when I get home. Love you!
Bryan
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dazed
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2004 27 March :: 11.40pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Impure~ Joyride
I want to see these guy's concert.
Let's see here... Last night I was at the High School the whole time. We were mingleing with the SouthField Christian Jazz band. All of us went to B.C Pizza and and then came back to the High School and chilled. I stayed up till about 3 or 4 and I woke up at about 7 30. so I got about two and a half to three and a half hours of sleep. I got up at 7 30 to go shopping. I ended up taking back my first dress and buying the black one I wanted originally. I got back and talked to Bryan on the phone. Then, I baked some cookies and went to the High School. Bryan showed up and we hung out for a while at the show. I made him slow dance with me :) It was cute. He was so embarrassed but he sucked it up and danced with me. When we got back to my house we ended up dancing in my room to "running" by No Doubt. He pulled me tight and ran his jaw along my neck sending chills down my spine. After that, we layed on my bed and cuddled a little bit. I love it when he runs his hands along my curves, especially when it's bare skin to skin. This just makes every bit of contact ten times more sensitive and sensual. And then, my father made him leave. Just as we start getting comfy, figures...
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dazed
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2004 25 March :: 9.53pm
:: Mood: Scared
:: Music: Goodbye~ NSN
Gonna Miss You
Alright, Things are going.. odly.
Kelly (bryan's best friend/cousin/wants him) is trying out for cheerleading now and I have a major problem with it. I can't act like myself around her and she is going to take away one thing that bryan and I have together. This is how he found out how I really acted. I can be me in cheer. Now I can't. I don't like her. At all. I would love to say I hate her. But I know I don't. I just... Guh... she pisses me off so frickin' much. She makes me want to cry. She is intimidating and makes me feel like I'm worthless. It's amazing what one person can do JUST by their presence. She makes me feel completely lost and like I don't belong. It's just so.. akward. I can't take it. If she makes cheer. I honestly think that I would have to quit. Otherwise I would break down because she bothers me so much. I'm such a horrible person for thinking all of this. I guess I can be horrible once in a while. She makes me feel horrible...
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dazed
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2004 22 March :: 10.37pm
my journal's one year old.
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dazed
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2004 21 March :: 9.49am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: None
I'm sorry... sooo sorry.
Bryan came over last night. He got his ear done! It looks really cool. He called me after he got it done and he passed out! The guy there said it happens all the time though. Something about being really excited and having your sugar levels go down and blood pressure up or something. Anyways, he came over and I saw it and it looks very cool. I like it. When I saw other people's industrial in the ear it looked kind of .. not that cool. And I actually like his, it looks good. We were laying on my bed or something and I put my arm around him and I accidentally hit it.. and it turned really dark red. I felt bad! I have to keep my hands below his head now so I don't hurt him.
Today is sunday, a boring day filled with ...church. Maybe I can go to grand rapids with my grandma! Yay! I havn't done that in a long time. Maybe she can take me to jc penny so I can take back my dress and find a new one! Well... I'm off to get ready for church.
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dazed
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2004 19 March :: 10.09pm
:: Mood: Happy
:: Music: none
Right back where we started from...
Things are going well now. Bryan and I talked about this week and stuff. About how he feels about the girls that leave when we go to his locker. They don't like me and he tells me not to take what they say to heart. Their opinions don't matter. He thinks it's humerous that they are jealous of what I have. I think it's pretty funny that they are that pathetic. He is going to cedar to get his ear done tomorrow. I guess someone told him there was a good piercing and tattooing place there. I tried to take back my prom dress but ...there werent any other dresses there and I guess this one is okay for now. I did buy some venus razor refils. My legs are very hairy. Bryan said that he could picture us together. Together as in married. And I am alright with that.
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dazed
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2004 18 March :: 4.32pm
everything...reality, and I just want to go away says:
what did you think when you saw me in band?
tyler says:
haha...just that..i wish you wqould put your mouth on my pp
damn.. it's tempting especially how bryan has been treating me lately. But I won't.. and tyler knows I wont...
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