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2006 10 August :: 7.40am
She threw a fucking rock at us....
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2006 4 August :: 8.57am
I'm home from camping. It was full of experiences, some of which I had never partaken in before.
It was extremely hot. I went swimming. I slept. I ate. I made friends. I fried criss cross potatoes in a wok.
milk....milk was a bad idea.
michelle
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2006 31 July :: 7.17pm
Camping with matt and rueben and katie and joe tomorrow.
ah the bliss.
eating mother's stir fry. tastes odd. first home cooked meal in days.
callouses forming on my finger tips. beautiful music to my ears.
Plan B may be available without a prescription.
michelle
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2006 28 July :: 10.29pm
:: Mood: depressed
I can't help but feel that I'm wasting my life.
I'm wasting my talent.
I'm wasting.
I'm wasted.
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2006 26 July :: 6.27pm
:: Mood: worried
I had a picnic with Kae and Aaron today.
Lovely rain.
I would be a toaster, so I could take two slices at once.
Sometimes I catch a glimpse,
Of the world which I see,
A beautiful scene, magical,
You could never know what I mean.
"Sometimes I think this cycle never ends, we slide from top to bottom then we turn and climb again..."
I listened to Transatlanticism for the first time today. It was beautiful.
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2006 22 July :: 6.46am
:: Mood: listless
I haven't slept in 28 hours, and if I go to bed soon I'm looking at about four hours of sleep before the park picnic and then work until 10 tonight.
I had my CMU orientation yesterday morning. Very informative. I got some of the classes I wanted, the others I dropped and added the correct ones. Twelve credit hours, not bad.
BIO 101 (and lab)
CSP 10something (computers and society, i know...but i had to fill a gen ed requirement)
ENG 235 American Literature
COM10something, intro to speech and communications.
All fun things. No ensembles, no music classes right now. Because I had to change schools so quickly, I can't be in their music program until next year. However, I may still pick up my entry level music classes and an ensemble next semester, until then, studying by myself is the only option I have.
We went to IHOP and played mau. I drank real coffee for the first time in my life, with a lot of cream and sugar mind you. The waiter made us triple strength coffee (three bags of coffee grounds in the pot). That shit really gets you. I believe that is the reason why I am not tired at this time.
Driving home from IHOP I witness the most beautiful sunrise, so, I took out my writing journal and compiled a few thoughts I will share with you here.
July 22 2006 6:30a
The dew soaks thorugh my clothing as I sit here, witness to this event. So few times have I been so aware of this constant change of my home. Something so beautiful would be more cherished if it were rare. We prize the true diamond because it is rare, but would we not just as easily be careless with it if it were common to us? Would we not use it as an adornment fabricated to eventually break to keep the economy going. The slogan would not be "Diamonds are Forever," rather they would be quite common place and often disposed of, losing all significance of importance. Beauty is only acclaimed in the rarest of forms. A perfect sunflower is often only left for the birds to admire.
This magnificent event before me may be prized by another people, another culture, because of its rarity, such as in the north. The sun sets for half the year, and is risen for half the year. Do you think they are not joyous after six months of darkness when the sun rises, illuminating their world? It seems beauty and admiration are only warrented for the rare, but never the equally admirable but common.
-michelle
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2006 18 July :: 10.27pm
why do i keep on missing everything?
why do i ruin everything?
why?
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2006 29 June :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: embarrassed
Going over to my grandparent's house always makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty because I never go and see them, and when I do I realize I should have instead of doing everything else I have been doing lately. I still encounter that 'perfection' thing, but I'm trying not to let that get to me. You know, the whole 'I have to be just like they want me to be, or else they won't want me anymore'.
My biggest fear in life is of confrontation that ends in abandonment.
I know they are all going to die pretty soon, and I'm going away, away to college. I'm going to miss the little they have left. At least, I always feel that way.
To all those who don't know, the admissions office at GVSU doesn't like me and wouldn't take me (even though i was accepted into their music program, their school, and I graduated sixth in my class with a fucking 3.96 gpa), so now I am going to CMU. My orientation day is July 21.
I'm not a little child anymore, but I still feel like I need to behave like one sometimes...ask permission, don't talk to strangers, eat my vegetables, and the like.
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2006 27 June :: 10.51am
:: Mood: awake
I dream of...
glow worms
rockstars
candy buttons
fancy cars
melodies
vibrant skies
starry nights
pecan pies
total darkness
extreme light
frigid waters
my lonely fight
sorrowful mothers
holding hands
perfect kisses
marching bands
moving music
shadows of night
green tall grass
famine and blight
beautiful sorrow
dramatic scenes
exquisite jewels
Alien Beings
Perfect ends
being close
never ending
Him the most
michelle
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2006 26 June :: 7.43pm
I've missed so many things already.
I don't have time for this, I don't have time, don't have time, don't have time.
There are children laughing outside. Is it wrong to want to shoot them?
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2006 25 June :: 10.44am
:: Mood: contemplative
Going camping the best break from here I could have had.
It was so wonderful and smokey smelling. And I think I came out unscathed, except for, perhaps, a small bug bite that is developing on my right foot. It's itchy.
I don't regret anything I have done. If I regret it, it's like exiling a part of me. Everything I have done is always going to be apart of me, whether I like it or not. We all have room for mistakes, and some fill that room sooner or more closely than others. But you only fill that room when you feel like something is a mistake. The door to my room hasn't been open in a while, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'm not talking about petty mistakes, either. I'm talking about huge life changing, crying for days mistakes. I use to think everything was a mistake, that I was a mistake. I'm not sure exactly where I belong, but I know I'm not a mistake anymore, and whatever I do, and whereever I go, whoever I meet, I will be lucky to be there and do that, and talk to them, and see them, because I'm here, and by some will I can, and so I shall.
I suppose a lot of that does not make much sense to anyone but me. That's fine. You never understand sex in a trashy romance novel until you actually have sex. You just can't understand some things until you feel them, and even then, you still may not be certain of them exactly. Perhaps we find solace only in the end. Perhaps we never find solace. And that's okay with me.
"She told me son, fear is in the heart of love, so I never went back..."
lushness?
michelle
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2006 19 June :: 9.06am
:: Mood: distressed
It's unbearably humid. And it's only nine in the morning.
Working again today. I am looking forward to Tuesday and then to camping. I need to get away for a while, and hopefully that will give me what I need.
There's always an exception to the rule,
Always a better choice,
Always a better soul somewhere,
Always a louder voice.
What makes us think we can change our worlds?
What makes us even try?
Somewhere, sometime, we think we are that better one,
We think the world we will defy.
But that is not so,
so often our words are lost,
So helpless, so frail, so terminal,
life cannot be infused in a coffin of dust.
michelle
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2006 16 June :: 7.52am
Last night I looked into the sky and saw only how lonely we all are.
I keep trying, but I don't know for how long. I'm running out of steam.
michelle
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2006 13 June :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: distressed
The other morning I read a horribly depressing novella. It's call As We Are Now by Mary Sarton.
It's about an older lady who is a retired teacher, who never married, and is put into a nursing home run by two uncapable, corrupt, and inhumane women.
The woman, Caroline, slowly starts to lose her hope of ever returning to a normal life. She is constantly emotionally battered and humiliated. She becomes childlike in the way others treat her, and in the way she becomes frustrated with simple things.
Eventually she can stand her life any longer. She asks a friend to bring her lighter fluid every so often. Eventually she sets fire to the nursing home, and presumeably kills everyone inside: herself, the ameoba like dirty old men downstairs and the two women she hates.
I don't want to be like that when I'm older. I don't want to revert back to a childlike state. I don't want to know my life is almost over.
I do understand the frustration, the need to escape. However, the degenerate course of her mental state throughout the novel, slight, but noticeable, make her commit an act that she would have deemed unnatural a few months earlier. Desperate situations drive people to desperate acts. The old and incaplable are left to their own devices.
I know I keep rambling on, but the novel touched me in a way I will not realize for many years. I will probably not even remember it (the novel itself), however, I will always remember how vividly the author constructed a picture of Caroline's degeneration, and the thought I must never end up that way: alone and desperate.
I've been working a lot lately. I have fourty hours this week; a sizeable check. The future is starting to look shading and every time I do it I feel I am one step closer to fucking up my life. However, the boredom and drudgery of every day life always counter acts that feeling ( not the best choice, either, but what the hell...).
Am I falling into the cycle that other before me have? I'm at a jumping off point right now. I could choose to work at Meijer the rest of my life (oh, i know, a promising vocational choice...), become a begrudged, senile member of the working class, get married, stretch out my vagina and other organs numerous times by having children, watch them grow up not having everything they want (i wouldn't give them everything they wanted, even if I could, however), worry about debt, and how I will stay sane, and hopefully make it through all that just to retire with a broken down body and a mind lacking the refreshing breeze of valueable knowledge and thought.
Or I could go to school.
Choices, Choices...
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. ~Flora Whittemore
-michelle
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2006 6 June :: 10.45am
So this is how it rolls: List ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'.
1. You make him SO happy, You'll like what he gives you.
2. I want to do it again.
3. I hope to god it will all work out.
4. Thank you for your insight.
5. I want you to always be here, but I doubt you will be. I will miss you more than anything in the world.
6. You don't know you're gay.
7. I think it's cute that you don't know what you're doing.
8. Your ackwardness is what makes you wanted.
9. You need to get over yourself.
10. I love you, pips.
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