We've no time for later now

:: 2005 27 September :: 1.42am

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? : My hair. Whether or not its all flyaway-like

2. How much cash do you have on you? : 12 cents!

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST": FEST!!! Kinda like a party. Test= party

4. Favorite planet?: Jupiter

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your MOBILE phone? : Ryan

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?: Happy Days :-)

7. What shirt are you wearing?: Orange hooded sweatshirt. Oh! Together, Jill and I make LHS

8. Do you "label" yourself?: Loser. Mostly.

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?: White socks. Sam's club variety. I wear my awesome not matching shoes everyday though. :-D Yay for those shoes.

10. Bright or Dark Room? Bright, unless I have a headache

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?: Jill? She smells. Just kidding. She's cool. We make fun of Shonsky man together. Wooo!

12. Ever "spilled the beans"?: Hahaaa...yeaaaaah

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?: "Studying". Meaning I was playing cell phone games

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?: Good Job! We should eat ice cream after school today!

15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners?: I shoot the dude or kiss Johnny Depp sometimes.

16. What's a saying that you say a lot?: Hey, Poop

17. Who told you they loved you last: Umm...Ryan Hoffman

18. Last furry thing you touched?: Thor!

19. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past Three Days? I took advil at work the other day. It felt like someone had punched me a billion times in the stomach.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? two? But they're b&w. And Jewel sucks at that.

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 18

22. Your worst enemy?: Cultural Anthropology

23. What is your current desktop picture?: V for Vendetta. I should change that.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?:I was just talking to myself as i was typing to jackie. I think the last thing I said was "I'm a hooker now!"

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?: Million bucks. I could fix any regret. ;-) Haha

26. Do you love / like someone?: A boy. Yeah. He's a good kid.

2 Pirates | X marks the spot

:: 2005 25 September :: 9.11pm

I can't get back to studying. I tried.

I didn't mean to. God, fuck. I can't do this. I swear, I can't. I can't keep going like this. I'm not complaining for sympathy or understanding, that's not helping any.

Instead of sympathy, take a metal pole and whack me across the head. Please. I'm begging you.

I just can't do this anymore. Any of it. I'm trying, though. I promise. I can't keep on. I just can't. And I hate myself for it.

I'm being selfish. I know. I'm selfish and clingy and stupid and I don't want to deal with myself. I've spent the past weekend just crying. And I feel like a complete shit for it.

Please? I can't do it. I can't.

2 Pirates | X marks the spot

:: 2005 25 October :: 4.33pm

i'm beginning my x-mas list...despite how early it is.

$231 to refill my bank account...woo...

The Soundtrack

Cirque du Soleil Tickets

Body Worlds; Toronto or Philidelphia

2 Pirates | X marks the spot

:: 2005 25 October :: 12.17pm

in seven and nip/tuck, they use bach's air from orchestral suite number 3 for scenes...in seven, when he's in the library, searching about the juwes, which is a code for the the seven deadly sins...its a movie in which people are killed and tortured quite viciously...and in nip/tuck, when they do a face lift on one of the surgeons mother in law.

Bach's tocatta and fugue in D is used in Dark Castle, a 1986-7 mac computer game that involves navigating your way through the mazes of the castle, within which there are bats, rats and soldiers whipping those who have done badly.

:: 2005 25 October :: 10.57am
:: Mood: confused

what's wrong with me. i should be more feeling than this...are people not sad when things dont go their way? when they cant have waht they want?

1 Pirate | X marks the spot

:: 2005 25 October :: 12.20am
:: Mood: morose

The tears I might have shed for your dark fate
Turn cold and turn to tears of hate.

toki	:: 2005 24 September :: 12.55am I broke too. I'm very much broken. I very much need a band aid. A very big one. 1 Pirate \| X marks the spot

toki	:: 2005 23 September :: 1.34am Chances are if you know me and actually care about me, I really don't deserve it. I'm just not a good person. And that's the truth. 1 Pirate \| X marks the spot

:: 2005 22 October :: 9.22am

today, i really wanted to go to school. i left the house on time, but worried that i wasnt. i got down the street and realised i had absolutly no money. so i went back and grabbed a bag of quarters with about four dollars in it. i figured that'd be fine and i'd get money from the atm at the station for a ticket home (i only have one ride left on my ticket). But i got there and realised that i had no wallet, and in fact, i still have no idea where it went. i could have driven, but one dollar for a toll and six for parking...six that i didnt have.

so i came home, just like last thursday. but i made hte train on time. it's really frustrating because its mostly an online course, but my dad got mad at me last time something like this happened.

tomorrow i have to get my japanese textbook, because barnes and noble didnt order the right thing. i failed my quiz though, which is really pathetic. i just cannot memorize the symbols in hiragana. Considering im doing so badly at that, im not looking forward to having to learn katakana too. its hard because there is no latin logic behind it, which is why other languages are easier for me.

so thats my day so far and its not even ten o clock yet.

:: 2005 21 September :: 10.54pm
:: Mood: scared

I feel better now. I have apple, hot apple cider, and Barnelli's bread in my stomach.

Good times, guys.

I'm still scared. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I don't want to be, but I am. But I'll be okay. I always am. It's the way I roll.

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2005 20 September :: 1.09pm

Well I broke.

I want to go home.

I don't even know why.

I'm too dumb for college.

I can't do things on my own...even going to the library to do a project scares me.

I failed my first exam.

Failed...like below average, and average was 62.

That means I'm failing a class already.

I'm that stupid.

I feel like sleeping all the time.

And thats scary because I guess a lot of people have mono in our dorm.

Great.

Just great.

Everyone has been home but me!

And why they hell did I choose zoology?!

Who was I kidding? I can't do this!

What a dumb career path!

What do I think I can do with this?

Everyone in zoology here is going into a medicine career.

I have a test at 2...its 1:14.

I'm going to fail again.

Why am I freaking out?

Everyones coming to me asking for help lately...and I want to help.

But now I'm flipping out.

URHGJDHG:LKAJSF

This whole alone thing...how do I feel so alone?

People are so awesome here....

But I don't know why i feel so alone and freaked out...like the whole doing things on my own maybe...

Whatever.

I dont get mitosis...and its on my test.

Bye.

~Jackie

3 Pirates | X marks the spot

:: 2005 20 October :: 12.36am

updated pictures. see previous entry for link.

so i went to arizona and i really wont say much cuz it wasnt that amazing...but twas fun.

went to my first party on friday...but didnt drink, no worries...i havent dropped my morals.
it presented me with an interesting question. why do people do so if they address the choice to not drink with such positiveness?
perhaps they feel it rids them of their stress because thinking further into it made me notice that responsibility and drinking are on opposite sides of a scale. those with loads of responsibility (hmwk, cleanliness, job) tend to feel that its ok with more vigor, versus those like me, who dont hold those things as high, hold that choice above opportunity. tell me if you agree or disagree...am a little theorist lol.

i should go to bed because i have school tmro...but its only 10:45 in AZ and am used to going to bed at 2:30am there.

in other news, jill asked why i hadnt been talking to her and i told her honestly. i dont feel bad because she asked and i feel i handled it maturely (with patrice to back it up), despite some bitchy, cold-heartedness, but i almost think it's expected.

"Unabashed honesty
would be ideal,
but a prophet did once say
that honesty's a lonely word."
~Have You Ever; Incubus

:: 2005 19 September :: 12.20am
:: Mood: sick

I'm tired and sick. I have way too much to do and not enough time. And nothing that I really want to do. Other then curl up in a ball and close out the world.

You can be invited in if I give you special permission. To my world. Woo hoo.

Ryan's allowed in. Because he taped up my blisters and gave me drugs today. And he kissed me even though I was boogery. And he gave me a pillow when I fell alseep. So he gets permission.

And Melanie. Because she just said something nice.
SneakySeaMonkey: jolly rancher lollypops?
BassClarAngel: hey now! those were good and i've apologized many times for that
SneakySeaMonkey: I knooooooooooow
SneakySeaMonkey: do you still eat them?
SneakySeaMonkey: and laugh?
BassClarAngel: i only randomly eat them if it's some free thing a teacher hands out or something
BassClarAngel: but no, i don't laugh
BassClarAngel: i sigh reverently in rememberance of one of my bestest friends who is far away from me now

:-( So..Melanie...permission.

Jackie too. She died with me today. Just in different states.

And Melissa. Just for talking to me.

Those are just people I can think of right now. Um, Enter your plea below and I will consider you.

SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
NO!
1 MORE PAGE!
DEATH!

3 Pirates | X marks the spot