We've no time for later now

:: 2005 19 March :: 11.23pm

The diamond cannot be polished without friction, nor the man perfected without trials. ~Chinese Proverb~

:: 2005 17 March :: 9.24am
:: Mood: angry

So�guess where I was last night? Guess�.That�s right. I saw Les Mis. Quite sweet if you ask little old me. It was fun, but I was tired. Damn school is killing me.

This had been a weird week. Um�yeah. It went by surprisingly fast. I can�t tell if that�s good or not. I have to work tomorrow though and I really really don�t want to. I have to miss the poetry slam. :-( Urgh.

I�ve been in one of those moods recently where I�m insanely angry, but I don�t know why. Like�you know those days where you just want to get a box of expensive glass and throw it towards a brick wall? Yeah. So let�s pretend it�s Patrice�s birthday and get her glass objects to break. I would have a screaming party, but I can�t scream without coughing anymore. Poop. At least I�m getting better at holding my anger in. I haven�t exploded at anyone. In fact, I�ve been acting quite chipper this week. It�s not normal anger. It�s�I don�t know� it�s the kind of anger that slowly eats away rather then exploding right away. If that makes any amount of sense.

So I told myself I�d type up atlest some of my poetry today. But I kinda feel like writing an email to someone. Hm. I don�t know.

Watching Les Mis last night was crazy. Well, it was an awesome show to begin with. But the set had the windows like Melanie and I spent days on making square. And the music just brought me back to ushering and then to now and it�s crazy. Just crazy. Dude...Melanie...Les Mis was awesome. ::nods:: I know I�ve said this before, but we should go back to Les Mis. Minus a few factors. You know what I mean, ;-). Haha.

Okay dudes. I�m off to slack some more. Check ya later my supa fly G�s.

1 Pirate | X marks the spot

:: 2005 17 March :: 12.59am
:: Music: cold, shaky, confused

HABANERA
L'Amour est un oiseau rebelle
Que nul ne peut apprivoiser
Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle,
S'il lui convient de refuser.

Rien n'y fait, menace ou pri�re,
L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait;
Et c'est l'autre que je pr�f�re
Il n'a rien dit; mais il me tient.

L'Amour est un oiseau rebelle
L'Amour
Que nul ne peut apprivoiser
L'Amour
Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle
L'Amour
S'il lui convient de refuser
L'Amour

L'Amour est enfant de Boh�me,
Il n'a jamais, jamais connu de loi,
Si tu ne m'aime pas, je t'aime,
Si je t'aime, prend garde � toi!

(Prends garde � toi)
Si tu ne m'aime pas si tu ne m'aimes pas je t'aime
(Prends garde � toi)
Mais si je t'aime si je t'aime prends garde � toi!

3 Pirates | X marks the spot

:: 2005 15 March :: 7.58pm

You scored as Art Freak. You artsy fartsy kid you. You rock my world.

Art Freak
56%
Loner
38%
Nerd
25%
Cheerleader/Jock
13%
Loser
0%
Punk Ass Kid
0%

What's You're Sterotype?
created with QuizFarm.com

:: 2005 15 March :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: crushed

i'm sorry this is mostly about my mother. but it is my journal and no one gives me nearly as many problems as she does.

today she pissed me off because i gave her a list and asked her to buy me deoderant and tampons because im out of both. i wrote it down specifically, which she always complains no one writes things down, and asked nicely. she asked questions, and i wrote down the type.....specifically so that i wouldnt get mad at her when she bought the wrong thing.

i asked if she bought them and she says:

"no"

"thanks for your help."

"you're welcome!"

"You're horrible."

"i only buy it if it's dire."

"it sort of is. i have no deoderant or tampons."

"i didnt know you were in need."

"Yes. This is how i KNOW tv is more important than me. i gave you the list last night."

"i have things to do."

i called her.

"i had to walk elaine's dogs"

"that takes fifteen minutes. i hardly ask you for anything."

"i have things to do too jorie."

"yea. so do i. g'bye."

"maybe family should be as important as your 5:30 party."

"i'm not your maid."

i called her again:

"you know what you always yell at me for being with elaine and calling gail but gail doesnt know anything about your friends. and you stopped bringing them over because of all the things you tell them about me."

"that's not even the issue. i asked you to get something for me, taking great care to write it all down specifically so that you wouldnt get frustrated that it wasnt right and asked you nicely to get them and you didnt even try. the reason i saked is because im still a little sensitive about buying tampons. and you're right; you arent my maid, but you are my mother. if you werent my mother, id ask my mother to buy them for me, but since you are, you got asked. im sorry im such a huge burden. ill talk to you later."

yes. that's all. it's a little overdone but i hardly ask her for anything. its just upsetting.

:: 2005 14 March :: 8.39am

from friday morning
Today�s one of those days where I really don�t feel like doing anything calm. I want to run or something. I hate this architectural drawing class. I will not be an architect. They are too quiet and awkward. Why cant he tell funny stories or something? Who wants to design a living room? I would like to wait a few years before I have to do that. Oh well. The point is that this class is boring and I am bored with it�s boring curriculum.

�it�s the perfect time of year, somewhere far away from here.�

I am eating special K. with strawberries. Dehydrated strawberries. They look so sad. I wonder if it hurts them to get dehydrated, because for us, it�s the most painful death. But maybe they�re technically dead when they are plucked from the vine. Strawberries grow on vines like raspberries, right? I wonder what having seeds is like. Do they just randomly burst once a month too? Or is it more like every two hours because a strawberries life span is so much shorter than ours.

If the average woman lives to seventy-five, and from the ages twelve to fifty, she is childworthy, that�s thirty eight years. Multiply that by twelve and you get four hundred and fifty six months. That�s a lot of eggs.

Seventy-five times twelve gets you nine hundred. So four hundred and fifty six divided by nine hundred equals 51%. The percentage of how often we get our menstral cycle is 1/456. So�now that I�ve done all that month work, even though it was unnecessary, a strawberry takes let�s say two weeks to fully develop and die. It probably takes the entire first week to grow useable seeds, which makes sense that it is approximately half it�s life and seeds are good even after death, like a chicken. There are 168 hours in a week. Multiply that by 1/456 and you get .368. Therefore, were a strawberry like us, their seeds would pop every 3 hours and seven minutes. Ours lasts a week, so a strawberry�s would have to equal every three quarters of an hour.

3 ?
672 168

4 Pirates | X marks the spot

:: 2005 11 March :: 9.40am
:: Mood: Restless

No pressure
Yes. I am quite restless. I can�t sit still. I need to do something. I don�t want to go to band today. I have to tell Lestina my decision about orchestra. And I don�t know what to do. Honestly- right now- I don�t know what the hell I want or who I am or what is going to best influence my future. Lestina gave me a speech yesterday about how every decision I make from this point on is going to shape who I become. Uuummmm�. Is he aware of who he�s talking to? Let�s make this decision a little harder on you and tell you that your future character depends on whether you stay in orchestra or not!!! Sweet! No pressure. Okay. I don�t even know what college I want to go to or what I want to major in or if I want to stay at Rivertree or what I want for lunch. Most of those are life altering decisions. Let�s add orchestra to the list of life altering decisions that still need to be made. Good. I did need more things to not worry about.

Now remember�no pressure. Don�t make yourself crazy over these things! I mean, it�s just everything. But still�don�t drive yourself crazy over them. But the decision needs to be made� right now. Don�t worry though. If you get it wrong, you won�t have another chance. You only have one life. But still�no pressure. No pressure. Patrice�let�s do this. I won�t pressure you, I swear. But I�ll sit here and beg until you say yes. I�ll listen to you�as long as it�s the answer I want. Otherwise there has to be something wrong with you. What�s wrong with you? Nothing? No, it�s not nothing. Tell me. Don�t worry. I won�t get mad. There�s really not nothing wrong with you. Of course I know you better then you know yourself! I can just tell these things. Tell me�but really�no pressure. What? Did you say yes? Sweet. That must mean everything�s okay. Like I said�no pressure. Why do you look sad? You should have said no. Why do you worry like that? You think I won�t want to be with you anymore? Well it�s not true. That doesn�t matter. What? You tried saying no? Well�I�m sorry. Now I�m sad. Please don�t be mad at me. I don�t deserve to be forgiven. What? It�s all good. Okay, good. Like I said�no pressure. Patrice�come talk to me! We haven�t talked in ages! Did you do your homework? Yes?! That�s your only answer?! God! You never talk to me! Never! But I understand if you don�t want to. If I�m really that bad of a mother, it�s fine that you hate me. Really. No pressure. What? You�re tired? You want a day to relax? Well�I understand. Quit your job! Really! We�ll pay for everything! We told you we�ll only pay for a part of college�but hey! Who needs to pay tuition?! Like I said�quite working. You don�t need the money� Really�no pressure. What? Me? Depressed? No way! I�m happy now! In two minutes though, I�ll be sad again. And it�ll probably be your fault! Why? Why not! Because if I didn�t have kids, I wouldn�t be in this situation, I wouldn�t be married. I would be happy with my life. And you guys just keep bring me further and further down as I realize how much you hate me. But really�be honest with me. No pressure.

That probably makes no sense at all. But the bell�s going to ring soon and my eyes feel like they�re about to light on fire and fall out of my head.

PS- I�m insane. Just so you know.

:: 2005 10 March :: 9.23am
:: Mood: exanimate

Nazi Librarians
News of the day: Xanga is officially blocked on school computers. Gasp. I know. How am I going to be updated on everyone�s lives?! It�s a monstrosity. Wow, I spelled that right on the first try. I truly am a god. But really�what�s it going to help blocking Xanga from us? Because if you have a Xanga you probably have a billion other journals which aren�t blocked. So I guess it�s back to woohuing for me. ::shrugs:: It�s more fun anyways. Plus I know the thousands of you that read this journal will need updates o my life as well. :-P

So. I feel stupid. You want to know something? I�m a bad person. I�m a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, a bad sister, a bad daughter. Ryan got mad at me last night for not being�what�s that word? I don�t know. For being the one who sits and waits for him to say or do something. And the thing is� I know I do it. And I�ve known that it bothered him. Why do I do it then? I�m scared. God, I�m so scared. If I take the initiative, what if he doesn�t want to return it� you know? I know. I�m being stupid. But�god. He was telling me all these things that I don�t do and how it kind of bothers him. Simple things that should be completely obvious to me. Which they are, I just am evil and terrible and do nothing about it. What he said makes sense and I feel bad.

But, I don�t know. He got mad�well not mad�annoyed because I�ll be hugging him and then I�ll lose my balance and you know me�I�m a klutz. Plus�he�s taller then me. So to hug him I stand on my toes sometimes. Don�t ask me why. Then he�ll move and me�leaning on him while standing on my toes.... isn�t aware that he�s going to move, so therefore I lose my balance. I don�t know. Everything he said makes sense. But I�m clumsy beyond belief. After seeing a movie I can�t walk out of the theatre without tripping over my own feet. It�s not like I mean to lose my balance so often. So I don�t know what to think.

He deserves much better then me. In my eyes at least. I really really don�t think I deserve him. He�s so nice to me and I freak out about the stupidest things and he puts up with it. Holy hell. I just sound crazy now. You know what? I�m just really bad at showing that I care about him. You would think the girl is the one who gets annoyed because her boyfriend shows no emotion. But no. It�s quite the opposite in Patrice land. Quite scary, eh?

I just feel bad for not being good enough. And that�s my story. So it�s official. I�m heartless and cold and I need to be unselfish. ::nods::

I just took this allergy stuff to make me feel better. On the bright side�I can breath. The darker side�I can barely stay awake. Gov is going to be good fun today. ::commands you to sense the sarcasm:: But I am getting a smoothie after school maybe. Which rocks my socks which are really my brother�s but I ran out of socks today so I�m wearing them. My mom wants to get me tested to see if I�m anemic. But every time I think of that I word I say ameobic. Like amoebas. Hm. I want to write an email to someone. I wonder if aol works on these Nazi computers.

I still have the Kimis and her Smithis in my binder thing. It�s weird. Remind me to take it out. Just because it seems that I have a Kimis obsession. Which�as you all know�I do. But I can�t show it. Pish. Urgh. My eyes are starting to hurt. So this is where I stop. Adios mi mejores. (What does that mean? I don�t know either�)

4 Pirates | X marks the spot

:: 2005 4 March :: 7.24pm

so i definatly want to see cirque du soliel somewhere......i would go to australia to see them.......hell that'd be super awesome.

i want to see a broadway show really badly.......or even go to london

oh man

how about just a really big show in chicago......im supposed to go with jill and i really hope i can!

i also want to get my molars pulled.....

oh my lungs got all tied up when i was looking at the cirque stuff...

theres a show in toronto from the fourth to the twenty eighth of august!!!

i would drive myself up there just to see it.......and spend the seventy dollars on it!!!!

oh god........

going somewhere else would not only cure my desire to see it, but my desire to see something other than suburbia and fucking america!

ahhhhhhhh

i need to calm down i cant breathe......

oh i wanna meet gir too which i might be able to do!!!!!!!

know where.........someplace

know when......the week of JC......crap.

oh well ill be like gir is more important than running crew!!!

:: 2005 3 March :: 7.11pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Cirque Du Soliel- Saltimbanco

this is frustration
so what do you do when people are on your ass about college, your best friend doesnt even understnad your lonlienss an you have to hurt some guy cuz you dont even know how to handle relationships anymore?

you sit.

you're sick of losing friends, but used to it and its almost to the point where you would just accept it when it happens, as you know it's going to. you've come to the realisation that in three months, all friendships will be obsolete anyway. and that boyfriend you had, he's still just as dumb, and there's no chance of holding anyone tha close for a long, long time. you now understand love and the lack thereof. you are hating your parents currently because they arent even trying to understand where you are from, but expecting you to pull your life together easily. what do you do when everyone else has someone to tie the knot at the end of the stitches, but you are holding the fabric and trying to tie with your teeth. what do you say to yoruself when you find out you arent needed in even your own life?

you sit.

you wait.

say hello to nothing.

because nothing is there.

:: 2005 28 February :: 9.22am
:: Mood: lazy
:: Music: Is it really a brotherhood?

Yes sir..A brotherhood!
This weekend was overall coolish. Strike was fun. The fan club will never die. And neither will my space contacts. Tehehe. Oh man. I wish I was a freshman again. Wouldn�t that be fun? I think it would. Much woopage to the Sandy Kimis. �Tis soooo cute. Haha. Okay, really. I have to stop procrastinating. Poo Pooo Poooooo.

2 Pirates | X marks the spot

:: 2005 29 January :: 3.39pm
:: Mood: bored

I feel very black. Haha. No really. I'm wearing all black right now. For my self portraits. Hoping these will be cool. I left my costumes in Jill's car. Doh. So I can't use those now. :-( Makes me sad. But I'll be okay. My cat and dog are fighting now. Haaa. Stupid stupid dog. The cat won. Woo!

I now have 3 big bruises on my knee. And one on my arm. It hurts like H E double hockey stick. Or Hell. But swearing is bad. Tehehe. I just drew a square on a piece of paper. Haha. I am so exciting.

The little Key-sta(s?) might see Phantom tomorrow. Much Woopage.

Diantha two is working today. So hopefully she'll be gone by the time I get there. Argh, this new girl is the most annoying person ever. Think Shay. Then make Shay a 23 year old who can't add 6 and 4. Gahr. And I had to train her on box. My drawer was $9.50 off. -.- I feel bad for everyone working this morning with her.

Hol-ey Heeeelll. I'm bored. I don't want to work tonight. I'm working box with Brian. And yeah. Ryan thought(thinks?) I had (have?) a thing for Brian. Which I don't. But yeah. It's weird.

I have to go into work 30 minutes early.

You don't know how much I am kicking myself for not being able to drive. Urggggh.

I'm really tired now. Good night. I wish.

-Patrice

1 Pirate | X marks the spot

:: 2005 22 January :: 7.40pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: bzz

i hate ~~parents~~ ~~friends~~ everyone
my mother is so mean. she came up to give me something from elaine and steve (so of course, she was drunk) and she started bitching about how my rooms a fucking disaster and all that shit.

well great, i said. if you dont like it then get out of it. you dont have to come in here, and neither does anyone else. its like that story nipple jesus. not to mention the fact that i dont like that she talks to herself, yet she continues to do so, saying "if you dont like it, dont listen." so i told her that. i also asked what, other than my room being a mess, what else is she not proud of me for.

she said my grades, which ill let you know is the thing that pissed me off the most. i really went ape after that. how could she say that? all shes ever wanted was B's and now i have B's and now "it's too late". how could she ever say that. what a great encouragement to get me wanting to succeed in college.

once i go away, i will not send her my grades. i will not tell her how i am doing. in fact, i doubt that i will do much talking to her at all unless she is sober.

the other things that have been pissing me off is her with gail. okie great she has friends. she spends loads of time on the phone with gail and then she hangs up and goes over to elaines. okie thats all fine and whatever, even though its a pain to wait for dinner sometimes. but the other day i came home after spending two whole hours with jen (and mushroom) and she asked where i was and i told her. "god you're always with jen....jen, jen, jen". where the hell does she get off saying that now?!? i havent hung out with jen in forever and she's supposed to be my best friend! not to mention the fact that shes allowed to but im not? what the hell.

oh. and another thing about gail. well they talk so often that now their kids lives are like trading cards and they compare everything. so shaun got a job at a pet store; shaun got a $4,000 scholarship; shaun got put up a rank in his ROTC; shaun got all A's this semester; shaun thinks latin's hard; shaun got a 26 on his ACT.

oh thats nice shaun. seeing as you are clearly prouder of shaun than of me, how about you go live with him. ill live by myself, which, by the way, i am not mature enough to do according to her. oh, im also not expirienced enough to drive in the snow, but mother how can i get expirience if im not allowed out of the house when it snows?!?

all i wanted for christmas was a coat and shoes and shampoo and conditioner.

they told me to ask for more and got me an mp3 player and now i cant get my wisdom teeth pulled. im mad taht im such a burden money-wise, but i would think two jobs could help that. i dont ask for money to eat out; i dont ask for money for anything petty. i asked for it for all state but i wont ask for this show shirt. i wont ask for anything that i cant handle. im trying to buy a new computer before graduation. ill ask for a college education if they ask me what i want. that and my wisdom teeth pulled.

oh, damn. im complaining again.

you'd think the people who supposedly love you would be a tad more supportive.

i hate people. hermitism it is for me.

:: 2005 19 January :: 8.53pm
:: Mood: not so happy
:: Music: bzzz

so i dont know whether i want to put this in or not now.

im excited for brian to respond. i just asked him if he was busy on the twelvth, but still, my question depends on his answer...funny how that works.

so im mad. first of all the highlight of my day, as ive told many people, is the fact that on the consumer management final i knew what per capita meant because "caput" means "head" in latin. so therefore, per capita means per person, or literally, per head. sad really, that it was the most exciting part of my day.

i realised that my parents are ridiculously irresponsible with their money. i cant get my wisdom teeth pulled until april (they really hurt) because my mum has to wait for tax returns. my dad said i cant go to a college that costs much cuz we cant afford it.

all good and well i would say...if only our house wasnt worth so much...and we didnt have a BMW in the garage next to the motorcycle. he has a company car that he's been driving because he fired the guy who used to drive it. so why in the world are we not using that money? gah. last time we got a big tax return, instead of using it to cover the bills and stop complaining about stuff, my parents painted the fucking house!

i think they need to take the consumer management class.

i also realised thats its odd how easily one is replaced.

i think its odd. i try to think of one item that i wouldnt give up for my friend's life. no items come to mind. i would give my own life even for someone who i dont know that well. how odd it is to say "you have made it to that level where you are more important than my guitar/all worldly possessions". i would think that friendship includes that, but then again, thats probably just me.

i also found out that im whiny, and annoyingly opinionated. somehow, that feeling that brian gave me a couple a weeks ago when he said that i was "tiny" as in width-wise is all gone now cuz hearing your friends say that.....its....well its kinda tough to take. i figure ill shut up about much now.

oh i dont know im just not doing so well. i cant stop eating which just makes me feel huge and then i weighed myself and the whole five pounds i lost a couple of weeks ago (at all state) are back and they brought five of their friends.

yes...no pity...am telling you all. i hate that. "oh im sorry...." i hate that...dont bother.

1 Pirate | X marks the spot

:: 2005 18 January :: 3.36pm
:: Mood: envious
:: Music: "the nightmare before xmas"

hm...
so...twice now ive been told that im more important than worldly possessions. doesnt that make me feel good? hmm...