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2004 12 April :: 6.33 am
:: Mood: light headed
:: Music: all falls down:: kanye west
zero to none.
there needs to be a song that i could listen to everytime stupid shit like this happens. cause i really could kick him in the ass right now... if i had the energy.
i can't see out of my right eye, i'm so light headed that when i LAY DOWN i'm still dizzy, my eyes are so red from crying, and my throat is scratchy from screaming for him to stay away & just go to work. i don't think i've ever felt this beautiful before.
so the day starts: 5am- take a shower, blow dry the hair, get dressed. mommy said last night that she would wake up because she wants to do my makeup... how sweet of her. only when i got her up, i had to go. so i was just gonna do it, but my dad's voice, screaming at me that i had to go (which i already was aware of) scared the me so bad that while i was doing the eyeliner thing, the black line ended up across my face, like when someone hits ur elbow when ur writing. so i tried cleaning it off & hurrying up, but... daddy just bitched & bitched. finally, he said, "find ur own fucking ride, i'm leaving." so the end was... he left, came back to bitch at me some more while i layed on my bed and felt the spit from his nasty mouth on my face... so i covered it with my blanket next to me... and he bitched at me for "missing the bus" which technically... he's the one who is always late because he has to gather his paintball shit and everything into the car every morning... which is just bull fucking honkey shit. but i don't know... his words are so abusive. after he is done screaming at me... i feel my body weaken and i feel like my left leg has been broken, my arms bruised, my face scratched, and maybe a few fingers chopped off. its like... thats what he wants to do to me, but because i am part of his family... he CAN'T. thats all that is saving me. but i don't see how he is willing to come back again & offer to take me to the bus when he just bitched about not wanting to chase it & i'm crying so badly that i don't find the idea of being alone with him in a car for 10 minutes... of any comfort. and as far as i am concerned... he plays no important part of my life... i pay for everything i need or want, i go out whenever the fuck i please & do whatever the fuck i want, i take on more than he ever has, i'm paying for fucking college, so all he has to do is work for my brother and sister. mommy can support herself too. hello! o well. this world is crazy... and i'm just glad that i spend it with my family & boyfriend, & friends.
speaking of boyfriend... haha, today is 6 months. can u believe it.... 6 months. this boy is everything to me. if i ain't got u, then everything.... means nothing. <3 "think i fell in love with the 8th world wonder"
i'm out... might as well take advantage that i have time to eat breakfast. yay.
4 sEx DriVEs |
are oUT rAge OuS |
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2004 11 April :: 9.50 am
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: EvEr-BoDy In Da CluB GeTTin'....
TIPSY.
last night was lovely too.
jess, danielle b, danielle g, brittany, shane, jb, emma, and me all went bowling but we didn't set this up until 9pm, and then 9:30 we finally left home. <3
in the car, i got a call from jonah, i didn't know what to do, i was so happy! so i... intelligently, answered the phone. i practically hurt his ear, but that released everything that was stuck inside me... all the love i couldn't give him. he accused me of not being friends with alex, but... i am, because i don't have anything against her & she's sweet. but, we got to the bowling alley, and i needed to get off the phone with him, so, i did. ha.
in the bowling alley, we got everyone together, said our "hellos" and hung out. got our shoes, and paid for our game.... which brittany jipped me $12 for... but its something that always happens. nothing new, thats why i always hated stuff like that. but it was well worth the time spent together. everyone dancing to the music... scoring zero's on every other turn, laughing at random things... <3 this is the life i love.
seTTin' uP Da GaME, G.
Fo' RiZZle
SiStErLy Love <3
Cha, DeFiNiTeLy WaNTed ShAne'S bOOtY
WoRdS CaN'T eVen BeGiN To DeSCRiBE ThiS piC. <3 on OlD TiMEs
2 CooL 4 ThE DiGi CaM.
KiDs, uSaGe oF DruGs MakE u LooK lIke ThiS eVeN if U STOP uSinG thEm.
FriEndS 4eVEr 2.1.12 (sHanE's eYes R ShuT)
EXpReSSiNG LovE 4 ThE VoDkA haha <3 ya Jess
STaTe U ReaCH AfTeR DriNkiN ThE SuBStAnCe iN tHe Cup: TiPsY lol
BriTTanY & EmmA BBFL xox
came home at 12. scared my bro to get the front door open... +shrug+ i forgot my house keys lol <3
3 sEx DriVEs |
are oUT rAge OuS |
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2004 10 April :: 8.40 am
:: Mood: accomplished
last night was all i was looking for. (except if neil could have stopped himself from throwing me in the bushes) lol
i pretty much spent the day sleeping, and neil told me i was going to alex galani's house. now, being that neil always makes up my schedule, i went. jb picked me up, we went to pick up logan, met his parents and his dog, (which isn't really a dog because its the size of a mouse but it is so cute) then headed over to alex's house. logan grabbed alcohol from his house, stuck it in his pants which turned out super funny. at alex's, neil was starting junk with the 8th graders across the street, although alex & i were in the house. jb was knocking over things on the walls in alex's house, and neil was being amused by the fake geese under the table. we went outside too & neil decided to eat a coconut... i didn't know the stuff inside a coconut was called "meat". o and neil threw my ass in the bushes. i almost forgot about that one. jb said there were thorns in the bushes, however, i didn't feel any. but, i ended up sleeping over alex's house. my parents kept questioning me, "ARE U SURE UR SLEEPING AT ALEX'S AND NOT NEIL'S??" they were trying to catch me in a lie... haha, o well, that didn't work because i REALLY did sleep over alex's. she's a real sweetheart, we talked for like 3 hours last night. we definitely have to hang out again because... we relate pretty well. anyways, i have to go get ready for work <3 ttyl xoxo
p.s. i'm still collecting money for woohu, so anyone who wants to pay for it, go ahead and hand over the $2... i'mma send it in this friday (April 16th)
2 sEx DriVEs |
are oUT rAge OuS |
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2004 9 April :: 10.27 am
:: Mood: gloomy
our memories are long gone from here. left in the bushes, they've been cut down to the size of a tree stomp. can u see what life is going to be like if u stay on this concrete path for the next ten years? can u see the clouds above ur head, and ur high school acquaintences with their major success? do u feel the longing for making new memories because the old ones are of no meaning to the friends u feel for?
i want to go play with the little kids and babysit and get straight A's. i don't want to work and frustrate myself with classes that i'm taking to impress colleges when i can't even take on the work. i want to have close friends who i can call at anytime during the day, and right there... we are out the door to go see each other and the rest of the day's boredom is cured. i want to know that i can walk outside and go to the mall. i wish i could be able to have billions of names & numbers of people in my cell phone that i met one night while hanging out and can randomly call them 3 weeks from now and just be able to hang out with them. i want to take my camera and snap pictures of crazy moments and then have everyone complain about how bad they looked, or that we took so many pictures that the flash made them go blind. i want to be able to take all the money in my name and spend it on improving myself, green eyes... laser scar removal. i want to take my hard earned money and blow it on clothes and food, and buy everyone with me a new outfit or 2 and take them out to dinner. i wanna have those inside jokes that i can laugh with friends about like crazy, and we can die in laughter over the phone for endless hours and have pillow fights or sit on the back porches of anyone's house and make so much noise that we have to run because the cops are coming. i want to come in at 3 am and be wasted and hit my head on the toilet seat while my friend watches so we can laugh about it in at night. (morning and afternoon i would be hung over) i want to re paint my room whenever i want and buy whatever i want to satisfy me. i want to make friends who will be there for me throughout the rest of my life, and make memories that we will always remember, even if we end up having alheimzers and have to make a scrapbook in our teenage years so we don't forget.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
children, this isn't a sense of depression, so don't think i am so down. its just what i have been feeling the last few days, and the things i have noticed that are taking change are hitting me a little harder everyday. i realize how far away i am to getting more best friends. and i realize how far away i am from old friends and how if i wanted to laugh about something a friend did... i couldn't... because i... don't have any. i mean... there are all u IB people who i love to death, but... look at how many people are fake. how many people shit talk. how many people sit and do homework on weekends instead of make plans with each other to hang out with. don't any one of u ever wish that we can hang out... outside of school? like... ALL of us. just hanging out. making memories. maybe its because i've seen all these Roosevelt middle kids and how good their friendships are... but its because they were all willing to take chances and do stupid stuff. u think anyone in ib would do that considering ur scared of disobeying ur parents, or upsetting them? think. life is great if we make it that way. nobody is ever going to be a perfect child or student or success, so just chill out and enjoy this. because the more u go out and have fun, the more people u meet, and the more chances u will have to get to the top.
i have no clue where any of this is going... so imma stop here.
i just wanna life, with u in it.
3 more days 1o.12.o3
o by the way... does the word "body" consist of Head to toe, or like... ur features (muscles, butt etc.). leave ur opinion in comments please. someone and i are having a discussion of this... and we need to see who is right lol. <3
16 sEx DriVEs |
are oUT rAge OuS |
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2004 8 April :: 9.40 pm
lately i've been thinking about a future career... and i kinda came up with a plan.
Cheer for Atlantic & Graduate, go to UCF & tryout there (study psychology & physical therapy, try-out for NCA & the Spring Audition of Miami Dolphins Cheer Team. From there, work on getting to playboy, but i'd probably become a playboy rep... considering... yeah.
the greatest thing is that i am actually thinking realistically. this would be something that i would enjoy, and then to top that off.... its not dreaming. cause dreaming would be dancing, singing, modelling... which i would get nowhere with... considering that we are talking about me here.
but anyways... it just so happens that a lady is coming to my house on monday to discuss college... my first question will be... should i stay in ib?
The bell was about to ring, i had to walk to class pacingly. Opened the door, stepped over the threash-hold, and the thoughts of that day just flashed through my mind. Back when the event occured, i had no knowledge of where the buildings were located, or what they were for. I recall sitting in the back seat of Laura's car and her mom repeating, "A plane crashed into the WTC, a plane crashed into the WTC...". Thoughts raced through my mind like, "Ok, plane crashes occur everyday."
Laura and i were already late to school, on that day, Wednesday, and it was a half day. We just walked into school, up the stairs, and on the blue line of the right side of the hallway, something our school made us do. As i walked into Ms. William's 8th grade science classroom, I glanced at the television, the news was on. The anchors continuously talked about the plane crash. Ms. Williams left the room and went to spread the news to Mr. Kolarich, Mrs. Stoughton, & Mr. Gianatiempo. By then, Mr. West was sitting in our doorway staring at the television, watching all the gray fog, and people running for cover. Kyle, Justin, Alexie & i were finishing our Lego Spaceship project, and another plane hit another building. From there, i just remember finishing school, coming home, and not being able to watch cartoons or anything... because this top news story was on every channel, however, i found no importance of it.
So as i walked into Mr. Epstein's classroom this morning at 10:33, i had deja vu. The first thing i saw was the television on, and everyone watching it like something horrible just happened. My mind went blank, and the first thing i said to myself was, "Dear god... i'm praying that everybody is ok."
turns out... the students just found amazement in the government issues that they were discussing about 9-11.
3 sEx DriVEs |
are oUT rAge OuS |
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2004 7 April :: 4.42 pm
any1 who is planning 2 pay the $2 for woohu, (check the main page) we will just bring the money to school, i will collect it, and make a money order, and then send it and everyone's usernames to andy all at once. <3 Call my cell for any questions.
5 sEx DriVEs |
are oUT rAge OuS |
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2004 6 April :: 8.28 pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: Do iT To ME:: Usher.
i WANT to be Usher's Bad Girl.
Kayli and i are playing the Yes/No Game between bands, hehe.
no school for danielle or kayli today. crazy. wish i could have stayed home, i'm in like... some sort of stage where i'm striving for the mall, and to talk to my boyfriend. i haven't talked to him since sunday... and he's not answering his phone at home... gosh.
LiLsHorTcaKe2315 : where's prince charming..?
SmilingChica2006 : prince charming.... he's in the forest on his white horse...
LiLsHorTcaKe2315 : far away from earth.
i'm in like that mood too... where i want love right here, right now. hugs, kisses, sweet romance.
i could also go for one of those days where i go to school and everyone says i look cute. i prefer wearing a dress, or something i haven't worn yet, but i can't seem to find that. i'm searching for change and it just isn't working.
can u handle it? can i go there baby with u?
can't wait til' 2morrow. 5:30pm. my first varsity parent mtg. i'm lovin' it. haha. if there was a team above varsity... erin said i would make it! <3 the new coach, nothing like ellis. but maloney was wonderful to me, like i was her daughter. <3333
peace. <3 and chicken grease.
6 dias. 1o.12.o3.
NOTE TO SELF: Bring Twista & Usher to school, for Sameen <3
2 sEx DriVEs |
are oUT rAge OuS |
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2004 5 April :: 10.01 pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Watchin' the Inferno.
if there was ever 1 test i could pass... it'd be a test of cheerleading.
today i was given proof of that. came out above over 30 girls, some of them in which have been classified as "better than i". however, with proof from: NCA, UCA, and University of NC... i'm ranked the highest of Atlantic Cheerleading this year. FINALLY something i can do, and come out ON TOP of everybody else. it feels great!
thank u for the compliments i received today. i know i got one from ms. jackie <3 and i didn't hear other people's opinions... but those of u who mentioned to me that i was "cute" today, or that i got "tanner" (hehe thank u liz) thank u. (if those were compliments, +shrug+ <3 )
i still didn't appreciate pocahantas. lol.
finished my homework early, and even did art history homework that is due for the following class. hehe i feel good. guess that's what happens when ur boyfriend isn't around to talk to. whatever he is doin' now tho, i loveeee him. iweescreem lol. MUAH!
Siete dias mas. 1o.12.o3 <3333
i'm outtie, like poca-hant-ti. hehe... don't ask, my love.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
are oUT rAge OuS |
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2004 4 April :: 11.45 pm
:: Mood: conceited.
:: Music: Si Ya Se Acabo:: J to The L-O
way beyond self confident.
i'm probably more conceited than this world will ever know. i actually think i can make it to playboy, and there's no shame in my game fo' that 1, because with a lil' make-up, training, and a lil' camera adjusting (fo' da height, u kno, u kno, haha) i cud do it. i love the camera, i may not show it, but haha. it's my best friend. thats the life i need. a hawt boyfriend that wouldn't care either... +shrug+ hopefully jonah doesn't care. hehe. he's mighty hawt already, but i wonder if he would... flip. o well.
jonah & carlos definitely knocked me out of that... "i may have problems, but they're too stupid to worry" stage, because naturally my problems are stupid... like the shit talking... haha, those people can suck my left nut. JUSTTTTT KIDDDDDINNNNNNGGGG. i hope u found that humorous... because i really don't have a left nut. i have a right one only. lmao woot. i feel like i'm on sumfin right now, but i'm not.
n e ways, shhhhhh. i'm bored. and talking to carlos, which is neat-o. but imma bounce, cause i've got sparknotes callin' mah name. peace homiez. xOx
are oUT rAge OuS |
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2004 3 April :: 9.54 pm
plain jane.
woke up, made myself some honey nut cheerios with a sliced banana. drove myself ta work. put in more carts than i did bagging. damn. mike came in @ 4, s0-o did jay, -n- walter came in @ 5. talked ta mike -n- jay, buh not walter. i thought it was scurry cuz around 5pm, i started thinking, "i need walter right now, him -n- i wud be crackin' on that lady s0-o bad, speakin' of him, i haven't seen him in a long time." literally 5 seconds later i glance ta my left -n- he is bagging 4 the cashier next ta me. how FURRRR-eeeeek-y. finally, at 5:30pm, i got out of that hell hole.
came home, took a shower, did some yoga, relaxed and just enjoyed my own company, did my nails, made myself dinner, watched t.v. -n- now i'm writing about it... here.
my bro did sumfin ta his ankle from sk8-boardin'. he's in the emergency room now. they still haven't come home.
daddy is home with me. alone. i don't like it. its bad enough the things he says and does when everyone is around. how i dare not push his buttons when i'm in a house alone with him.
haven't talked to jonah all day. +shrugs+
<3 --- <3 --- <3 --- <3 --- <3 --- <3 --- <3 --- <3 --- <3 --- <3 --- <3
maybe i'll go take a walk outside now.
are oUT rAge OuS |
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2004 2 April :: 4.45 pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Bully :: Eminem
V-A-R-S-I-T-Y
"It's like a never-ending cycle
That just seems to come full circle
Everybody's gotta be so fucking hard
I'm not excluding myself
Cuz I been stupid as well" =Eminem
i'm s0-o ready to become one of those stuck up girls that feel like i'm too good for everybody else. because then i won't care as much of what people think about me, because truthfully... the comments need to stop. not once have i called any female friend fat, or have i said shit about any of them. and anand knows i'm rather good at holding in my anger. but once stuff happens i will never look at u people the same. sorry. i'm sick of the fake people that some of these people are. sweet to ur face, but then rude behind ur back. as far as i know, i've never given anyone at atlantic attitude. and i refuse to. and if i didn't care so much of what people thought, i would be ok. and i wasn't going to feel rude & like a bitch, i would go up to them and ask why they would have the nerve to say anything. think about it... nobody is perfect, and to point out my features that u don't think look exceptionally perfect... COME ON! at least i'm not eating tons a day, or not working out, or at least i'm attempting to be at least pretty.
if u have a comment about how i look, or the things i do, bring it to my attention, even if it requires to leave an anonymous comment here, or if it requires u to tell me in school. this way u can all do me a favor & if u think i am too full of myself, u can break my self-esteem a little bit. that's all u have to do to get to me. for god sake's i'm the one who won't wear a shirt that JB commented about... after his comment was just about the color.
on a brighter note, i made varsity this year. who knew? i did, and so did a lot of other people. thanks for believing in me. da-da-da-damn, i'm s0-o lucky. and the coach calls me by my name, and i didn't know she knew it because i never told it to her, so i am assuming Erin & Natalie have been doing a lot of talking about me. HAHAHAHA, i love cheerleading. i love my coaches, i love the team, i love this. gosh.
jonah, sameen, hema, kailannie, carlos, danielle, pj, jackie g, ashley t, jb, christina, ally, britt, kayli, vanessa, ashley p, logan... u guys are the best.
i have more to say but i wanna sleep because i am sick of sitting here when i am s0-o tired from tests and everything. s0-o i'm giving my heart to u. <3 peace babes
9 sEx DriVEs |
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2004 1 April :: 8.49 pm
:: Music: bout to burn Usher CD.
todos los dias.... ugh.
deseo escribir esta entrada de diario en español porque shakira está en MTV y me está inspirando. Hoy era bueno. La química era simple. en español tomamos un concurso que pienso que hice maravilloso en. almuerzo era la discusión grande. inglés era enojado para un poco, pero todo consiguió mejor en el extremo mientras que caminé mismo a la clase en vez para de Anand que esperaba. La biología estaba muy bien, pero me sentía mal para Kayli debido a Alex. no podría hacer mucho sin embargo. espero que el ojo de los jackie consigan mejor! de todas formas, debo ir.
are oUT rAge OuS |
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2004 31 March :: 9.17 pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Burn :: Usher
finally, i get a time to update.
cheerleading & tests have run me up the wall.
varsity, i'm praying.
i hope i got decent grades on my chem quiz, & stats test, i don't really care about epstein all that much, but i am really trying to pull that extra mile in my classes for my A's.
life has been harsh this week. waking up late, not finishing crap, i believe it's just because of spring break & cheerleading, but i missed not having that around. i love it. but it's worn me out... not being in shape, kinda pissed because running every other day isn't working.
school was normal today... kinda stressing, but i didn't let it get to me. i love my friends. no matter what shit talking happens, because its funny when u look at them, and then u say "ur my best friend" and they give u that guilty look... like they did something... cause u know they did. o well.
wonderful jumps, wonderful facials, just on speed a lil' bit lol alicia. <3 anyways, i'm out P-YcE. the oC is Onnnn.
stecker looks like a friendly frog, carlos is snufulufugus.. lol<3
12 moRe DayS -- 1o.12.o3 i love u.
are oUT rAge OuS |
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2004 28 March :: 10.58 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: GrAB a ParTnEr, TakE iT DOwN
jonah, d0 me b4 i give iT 2 BriTneY lol <3
i love britney spears.
:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:!:
worked. came home. talked to jonah, talked to carol, watch them leave for the concert, did some hw. watched britney spears. saw brittany.
my nights are lonely without u.
&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%
1o.12.o3 -- 6 MoNtHs, CominG SooN.
are oUT rAge OuS |
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2004 27 March :: 9.48 pm
:: Mood: annoyed
u think u know... but u have no idea what i really feel like.
one hour, 30 minutes of sleep. about 6 hours on the phone with jonah. 1am-7am.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
woke up around 8:30am to about 15 paintball players in my house, packing for their tournament. then, my mom & i painted my room.
ChEcK OuT The ALmOsT FiniSHeD RooM now we are just gonna add the paper lanterns, and go buy new comforters sometime this week.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
when i was making my bed, i hit my head on the wood. and then when i was on the slip -N- slide with my sis, i kinda did a backward roll thing, which WAS NOT pretty. +shrug+
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
i want to be britney s0o badly. gosh, its just like... killing me. seeing her all over and knowing how many people want her and how many people look up to her and think she is hot. i wanna know how that feels. i wanna become britney. like... just walk in her footsteps, i mean, do u think she wakes up every morning knowing that she's about to make millions of dollars for the Onyx Hotel Tour? do u think she asks herself how many people would die for the clothes that she wears in her videos, or to the award ceremonies? damn... i needa print out her picture, stick it on my wall & remember that i wake up every morning because my goal is to be as close as to perfection as she is. perhaps my own worst flaw is nearing perfectionism, but i want to be perfect, because... i'm a perfectionist, and these days, i'm settling for whatever comes. that's not my wish, i want better. ok, i'm content with my loved ones, but not with the life i lead, or where i'm headed. i feel like there is something more... something i can get. life is great. everyone deserves to live it up for it's fullest potiential... but sitting here.. writing in this everyday, talking online and on the phone consistently is not what i want. i want a car. with wheels. take me every place in america. i want to act, sing, dance, choregraph, model, work, and just.... rghaergiherghflgndfbedrfughrew. be what everyone else doesn't expect of me, even if it ends me up in playboy.
i don't want someone's famous face. i want to make mine one. <3
let me live the life i want to lead. and if i can't live it... well, at least let me dream.
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