::
2006 5 February :: 11.12 pm
<3
I'll make you a promise and you make me one forever and a day, I promise I will stay, I may change but my heart will always be the same
Nick was wondering what was going on. This is the conversation Nicholas and I had the night before I took the ACT: June 11, 2004. Nick is the bold-faced type, I'm in italics.
I love you, babycakes. Don't let Ben's stealing of my word dull its use. Think of it as our influence over him. Like brainwashing. Taryn's getting recycled love words, the poor girl.
where did you get that picture?
googled Flaming June
?
that's the name of it
http://www.people.virginia.edu/~pm9k/misc/im/ngjune.html
what is the significances
it's pretty
and I love it
okay now that that is out of the way how are you?
I'm okay... how're you? how's life? what's new? did you go to Jackie's?
yeah i got there at like 8:3-
I had to work
I'm okay, lonely but okay
aw
just hanging out at home?
actually I am at ben's he is sleeping he has ACT's tommoroow
*tommorrow
where's he taking them?
rockford
ah joy
you to?
yeah
what are you doing up then?
I don't know
*sogh*
*sigh*
hee I don't feel like sleeping
niether do I
just the thought of the ACT's make's me think about how I am going to be unsuccessfu and lonely for the rest of my life
ditto
it's joyous, right?
yeah
that's part of the reason I'm not sleeping, if I go to sleep, it makes the test come faster
yeah you'll prolly do better though
I don't know...
Ithink s
*I think so
meh
I'm scared about it
your fine just relax and relaze you can retake it if something goes horribly wrong
it's still scary
what does Ben need to bring tommorrow
2 pencils, a calculator, his little ACT slip and a picture ID
oh and a watch if he's obsessive compulsive and blind
so what do you think is wrong with me
you seem depressed
I don't know, what's wrong?
meh what is my worst triat biggest flaw
you don't seem depressed when I see you, you seem fine
...?
is that an aswer to the question?
it's more rambling than anything
um worst trait...um
I can't think of any
....C'mon!
sorry hun
your lying
would I? to you? when you seem so serious?
trying to be nice
but whatever just looking for some feedback, but whatever
my feedback is just that: there's nothing I can think about you that is bad or a bad trait
well wait
...
you're really really nice but sometimes you act not so much but I know you're only kidding...I mean, my mom thought you were mean or whatever but you aren't in any way
yeah
I get mean when I'm "PLayful"
you know I've always been bad about that though, I take stuff too seriously and I'm too sensitive
meh
so what did you mean when you said that you were going to try the other side?
oh it's nothing, I was just in a man-hating/depressed/crying every five seconds mood
really.....?
truthfully?
yeah
I'm never serious when I talk about it, it's too scary
?
it's nothing
If you say so I geuss I'll gowithit
*go with it*
heh
what men troubles are you ahving?
I remember too much
and I'm struggling with not wanting a relationship, really crushing on a guy and really wanting to be with him
mind if I ask who?
you don't want to know
?
why?
because it's always you
mind if I ask you a question?
yeah
what is it that you see in me? What sets me so far apart from anyone else you dated?
you're the best
you're the kindest, the sweetest, the gentle-est
the deepest, the everything, the best friend, the best one to talk to, the best one to comfort, the best one to get comfort from
well if I wanted to be honest I couldn't say that you haven't been on my mind alot lately, it's just that I'mafraid of a few things
I'm afriad that I will mean to much, that I won't be able to be what it is that your looking for, that I will feel to much(hard to explain) That I will just screw things up
that things will just...I'm not sure how to explain it
yeah, I'm afraid I'll fall in love with you and love you too much
see that's p[art of it,I'm afraid that there will be too much emotion
too much passion, it dangerous
I know
I'm just afraid of it all, I've been there and it's okay while you're there but I'm afraid of not being there
...there'sone other thing
I've been "struggling" in my faith alot lately, if that's the right word, and I just...I don't know how to put this other that, I can't condem you, with myself especailly being in this situtaution, but I just need somebody that is stable in the faith, rooted, I'm afraid of some of the temptations
I'm afraid of alotof things
I need an anchor not a current
yeah, I'm not all that religious and I'm....I'm that current
*exnay on the current*
I need an anchor not a sail
heh
I'm sorry I can't help you there
I really like you, more than you think
but I can be you anchor all the time either
I don't know how to say this other than I love to be there for you, but I can't do it if your not there for yourself
yes, I know what you mean
I've been doing and I'm almost there
that is one of the biggest things that I broke it off last time is because it didn't feel like you were ready to save yourself, or be saved, entirely andyway
I don't want to put all this on your mind when you have the test tommorrow though
you should get some sleep
I will in a bit, I need something to get my mind off of it or I'll go insane
go ahead
I don't want to
go ahead
I'm listening
I've liked you forever, not really stopped, it sort of just got shoved to the back of everything
I'm afraid of everything about relationships, I've not been that great since breaking up with Ben and I want to stand on my own before anything, I wanted to be single for a bit to figure myself out
I'm afraid of lust, I just want a nice, comfy, maybe romantic, just... I don't know how to say it, I don't want any superflous fooling around stuff, it ruins everything
I spelled that wrong I think
but I want to figure me out, last time, I don't think I gave myself enough time, lately I've just been worrying about everyone else
did we ever "fool around" before?
no
that's why I loved it
I'm just trying to figure out what your definition is cause it's different with everyone
yeah
I understand you want to be single, and by all means take your time, it's your life, and you don't need to rush
I really want a comfortable relationship too
it sounds very pleaseant
you take your time though
someday if you decide it is a good idea....
yes
your turn to spill
well basically, I still have feeling for you, I want a comfortable relationship, I really number one above everything else I need to know that you have some stabability, and I do worry about the whole "religous" thing as you put it earlier, but I don't want to rush you, I'm lonely, but wise enough to know tnot to rush you
thanks
I need help on religion...I'm sort of just I don't know, believing and praying for people sometimes, and I feel bad about it
it's the easiest thingin theworld really, Now listen to this, "love everyone, hate nothing but evil, know that Jesus is the one who died to get rid of your debt of damnation, for imperfection
simple enough, but now you get to spend the rest of your life truely trying to understand what exactly that menas, and to best describe the words Grace, Freedom, Love, and Compassion,
Truth to a higher degree
understand to a high state of being
and love that is unstoppable
prayer is just talking to God how you need to talk to him, neeled or standing, in a tree or on a altar
with your heart and that is the most importantthing
Go to bed
thanks
I will in a little
I'm giving myself til 1:30
sure...
I can't tear myself away from talking to you
wow that is hard to imagine
bnut you know I am going to be around for a very long long time
yeah
so....
so you're trying to get me to go to bed
I hardly ever talk to you, it's a rare experience, I don't want to waste it
so what do you want to talk about?
Jackie's - how was it?
meh
did you watch the fireworks?
she seemed like the old jackie, before all the ben crap
On the bike ride home we saw them going off
they were pretty
yes it was cool
it felt like a battlefield ride down a dirt road in the dark and hear the fireworks go off
awesome!
yeah
so ask any question
is Jackie being the old Jackie good or bad?
good I think it felt like the jackie I used to be best friends with, the one I hada crush on, te one that would laugh, and smile, and just chill
the old jackie
yay!
yeah
so what are you thinking?
I'm thinking I wish I hadn't missed Jackie's, I want to be with you, I'm a hypocrite, um I wonder what I missed at Jackie's, I wonder how Katie's doing
hypocrite? Katie?
Katie's been not that great with the whole Tom thing and she's leaving for Germany on Wednesday and is all worried
worried about what exactly
she's worried that her German won't be good enough, that the family won't like her, that she'll miss us, being out of the country on her own, homesick
how long is she gone?
until August 8th
wow
yeah, I'm gonna miss her
hypocrite?
going out with someone I've already been with
I've always been against it
hm.........
so what is our officail status for the record?
right now?
yeah
mutual interest?
or what?
mutual interest... I can't think of any other terms than that
mutual interest leaning toward relationship
ah
so we aren't quite at round two yet?
I wish
:)
loo
well you let me know
I will, and I'll really be ready this time
alright
well on that note I think you should get some sleep hun
I have one minute!
um um
to be in bed
oh I had a question for you
um
times up
oh how's your leg?
meh
no mehs
tune in tommorrow
we should hnag out before I go to work or soomething
pleases!
what time do you work?
5
you get done at 12
yeah
let's do it
as long as my parents don't get all pissy, and my work doesn't call me in ealiy
I miss you
I miss you too
a lot more than I notice
okay, um want me to call you er
um sure after the test tommorrow
okies
I'll still be here I hope
*crosses fingures*
loo
you're gonna stay while Ben's taking the test?
I'll be here prolly sleeping
loo yeah I forget that it's early as all get out
okay
well get to bed beautiful
I'll call you when I'm done with that stupid test
nights
good luck
thanks
sleep well
you too
sweet dreams
maybe I'll me you in them
I can only hope
1 You are my satellite |
Always the first star that I find |