sometimes my husband talks in his sleep. I've never been with someone who does it so regularly.
sometimes he's very angry saying "fuck" a lot. but last night be was talking in a cute baby voice saying something I couldn't understand but it sure sounded sweet and happy. it was the cutest thing.
he's just so adorable. I am lucky all those other ladies were too stupid to realize what they had.
It feels very validating to get an award after that summit. It's not often that I feel like I'm doing well enough and my anxiety hits hard these days; but to have the C-suite looking at me and have my new role generate so much attention is definitely going to mean I have to be on my game this year.
Jovie is living up to her jovial namesake and really doing the heavy lifting of keeping a smile on my face since Rose. My friends that haven't up and left like Mitch recently have kept my spirits up too, despite the difficulties they're all dealing with. Cancer fucking sucks and so do people who say they'll be there and they love you when they bounce. Not to mention fascist regimes who owe foreign dictators after they bailed them out for losing all their daddy's money. Say goodbye to life as we know it and get ready to lose your retirement, social security, health care, and any semblance of normalcy you've got left.
I feel like alot is going to change this year and I'm going to have to be the catalyst in my own life and make it what I want it to be. The panic is building, but the courage also.
our baby turns 7 months this week. she is almost walking, and says "hi dada" when her dad walks into the room. she also calls grandpa dada (dad looks just like Grandpa haha) she has one tooth out and a second is coming right now.
and I FINALLY feel like she loves me. and trusts me. and isn't just trying to placate me so I keep her alive. she loses her shit if she can't see me. she wakes up at night and won't calm down unless I pick her up and rock her on my shoulder. she crawls to me and looks to me for reassurance.
she naps in her crib. she loves eating chicken. she is starting to giggle. she is just so freaking cute and amazing and I am just blown away by her every day. I love her so much, and I just hope she's always happy. she just lights up the whole room.
It honestly feels a little surreal how “together” my life is these days considering what an aimless shithead I was for so long.
I’ve got a good union job that will carry me to an early retirement, and I even enjoy it. I’ve got a loving wife, an amazing kid. My only remaining debt is my car payment and $2100 in student loans. I’ll probably be buying a house within three more years.
I feel like I don’t deserve it, but, it still feels amazing.
I am so thankful and grateful and just beyond in awe of this process.
but man do I feel lonely and isolated.
and the closest therapist in network is two towns away. and there's only 8 for this whole metro area. I haven't reached out yet, idk who to pick.
I've lost 15 lbs in a month and a half. ultimately I'd like to lose a total of 100, but baby steps is where I'm at. I think I'm definitely looking better. soon I'll be able to fit into my pre-baby clothes. my lightest weigh in was 227, I'm at 242 right now. slowly but surely. all this Halloween candy doesn't help... we only had 5 groups of trick or treaters! super lame turn out.
we are sleep training the baby right now. it is exhausting but I think we are making progress. she's so smart and strong, she just amazes me every day. now if only we could get baths to be fun.
to complete it all I need is a prescription of Xanax for this intense morning anxiety I feel for no specific reason. makes me want to jump out of my skin and run away.
my baby loves dancing to old house music. she can't dance on her own but she loves when we make her dance. she's so fun
yesterday we got her frenulums in her mouth cut. she seems to be doing okay, definitely is eating the bottle better... been too scared to try to breast feed her though, maybe I'll try late today haha
it's been over 100° every day for the past few weeks here. I want to go out and walk but it's just simply too hot for me. I had heat stroke once as a kid and it was fucking awful. I don't remember there being multiple weeks of this weather before... I hope it's not like this forever.
an assassination attempt and a withdrawal due to mental deficiency. what the fuck is going on in America?
thanks for your support friend, it's very a wild ride. we are now a week and two days old and getting into a rhythm. still feeling exhausted and working hard to get my milk to come in..
it's hard not to feel like a failure even though it's common to have a hard time breast feeding. is just the rejection when she refuses me. but that's okay. she's a person and likes what she likes haha
she's really very precious, and not very fussy at all. she hates being cold and hates having a dirty diaper. she's eating really well and has a cute lil belly now.
we welcomed our beautiful baby girl to the world today. one day after our wedding anniversary!
the birth didn't go anywhere near as planned...
I had to be induced due to high blood pressure.
after using a Foley balloon, 12 hours of pitocin and breaking my water, I wasn't progressing in my labor.
the epidural took two professionals and 9 stabs to get placed.
then I was immediately taken to the operating room for a cesarian section.
the staff was absolutely wonderful, and I wouldn't change a single thing. our baby is perfect and I am just in awe that I could make something so special.
what is up with toxic narcissists? my husband's mom has always been an evil, vile creature but over the past few weeks she's taken things to a whole new level. now my husband is going to cut his relationship with both parents off completely. while I'm relieved I'll never have to be around either of them again, it breaks my heart at the same time. family is such a wonderful aspect of life when it isn't toxic.
I am six weeks away from giving birth. which has brought on the baby shower and conversations about what kind of people we want in our daughter's life. his mom is NOT the kind of person I want in her life on a regular basis, especially while she's young and extremely vulnerable. I don't care if they are "doctors" or whatever else they want to try to claim makes them better than everyone else. they are cruel, stupid and driven completely by money. those aren't the core values I want to instill in her.
I am so terrified and excited to be a mom. my husband is starting his job at epic games a month before she's due. I've never spent any time around newborns and I have been experiencing extreme foot pain. will I be able to actually take care of her? I hope my mobility issues are only temporary... but after breaking both feet at different times and gaining 30ish lbs I just am so worried I will have a lot of issues. and I try to bring these things up to my obs and they simply don't care or don't want to give me the time. it's really disappointing. the Internet has been a billion times more helpful than my Doctors have been.
the baby shower really helped me feel less terrified tho. my closest friends are all mothers or have experience with children. I have my mom and my sister. I felt so loved and supported and I know whatever I face I will have a group of wonderful women there to help me navigate. I am so so fortunate to have these ladies in my life, even after so much time apart.
I'm just so ready to meet our little girl and start this next adventure in our life together. I hope she will help ease the pain and disappointment of seeing his parents for the awful people they are. I know they can't be replaced... but maybe a really good distraction will be helpful instead.
I reach out for help and no one helps. they just make me feel so much fucking worse. my doctors won't give me the time of day. I can't figure out how to get my medical records. the doctor office transfers me to the wrong place to request them. so in trapped with this group of incompetent assholes.
my friends just tell me to get a therapist. they don't visit they don't call. I guess I really am on my own. were they ever really friends in the first place? I feel like literally no one gives a fuck about me. this baby has brought up so many emotions about my past that I thought were dead and buried.
like ... my parents really honestly didn't think I was a good investment, and decided to pour their time and money into my brother. who is 40 and has never moved out, has no future. my husband's family felt the same way and forced his actions to basically abandon me when we were teenagers. then I spent 17 years in absolute misery just trying to find a break that I could stick my fingers into. all I found were rocks to crush my hands. and now I have my dream life, everything I always wanted, and I come to find out I'm just a fat old fucking hag that isn't worth the skin I live in.
I wish I had died at 21 like I planned. I wish I had died any of those nights I drank way too much. I wish I had just fucking disappeared and not been such a fucking bother to anyone. I shouldn't have been born. I shouldn't be breathing this air. I am such a fucking complete fucking waste of space.
I'm drowning. I'm suffocating. I am hog tied and alone in a dark room. and I put myself here. I literally did this all to myself. I'm not a victim, I'm the instigator to my own fucking misery. I am so fucking alone. I am desolate. I am hollow. I am mold and slime and scum. a worthless sack of fat and bones.
been reading thru my old diaries from 1996 to 2012 and they are literally the saddest things I have ever read. it breaks my heart how much pain I poured into those things.
it also makes me laugh at how fucking boy crazy I was.
I hope my daughter isn't anywhere near as sad as I was. I'm so scared she's going to live a life that's filled with misery and pain, and I won't be able to help.
so fucking sick of bad dreams. I miss malish. I miss him so fucking much.
I felt the baby move for the first time yesterday. such a trip. but also so exciting. I can already tell post partum depression is going to be really fucking rough, as this ante partum depression is literally destroying me.
I'm just so sad every day. and every night. and in my dreams. I don't want to do anything to prepare for her arrival. I'm dreading the sick days and the crying and the sleeplessness. the husband is thinking about taking a job in TN... moving south sounds fucking horrid. being alone two weeks each month sounds horrid after the baby comes. I am just not sure how to cope.
my bestie is getting a German shepherd and I am really upset about it. it's her life and she deserves the happiness of a dog, but why did she have to pick one of the biggest and scariest ones? my baby isn't going anywhere around that dog. and that dog isn't coming into my home. so... another barrier up.
life progresses and it just seems to get more disappointing.
you didn't even like me... so why do I miss you so much? I dream about you almost every night. I still worry about you, and hope you're okay, and getting clean, and taking care of those babies.
I have a huge fucking hole in my heart. and no matter what I try to fill it, I can still feel the wind ripping through. my friends tell me to give it time, but it's been over a year and I still feel it sometimes like it was yesterday.
::
2024 24 January :: 12.18am
:: Mood: Sick to my stomach
I can't do this anymore. I can't be such an afterthought. I can't mean so little to the person who I should mean the most to. I don't understand your continued mistreatment amd disregard for me. I can't continue to justify this with your past trauma. You've had so many chances to correct it. A second trip to Japan where I'm not included after the damage it did last time; you continue to make choices that don't reflect any love for me. I'm heartbroken and you can't take it back. And I can't ignore it anymore. And as much as you have tried to make me believe otherwise over the years, I know, deep inside my soul that I deserve better than this.
I just don't know why I should keep on forgiving this stuff when the most minimal amount of foresight would have prevented it from happening.