I reach for the bottle and disappear

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2017 11 November :: 11.57am
:: Mood: defeated

Same as it ever was.

:: 2017 6 November :: 3.08pm

I hope it still hurts

The hole I made in your heart the day I left

poisonedheart

:: 2017 1 November :: 10.47pm

I'm not a good person
Ask anyone who knows me
I'm mean and bitter
And a failure at everything that I say I believe

I'm not a good person
Ask anyone who loves me
I never write, I never call
I never think about anyone at all

I'm not a good person
No matter what I do
My exhaustion will consume me
And I'm too tired for the truth

I'm not a good person
I'm sure you're not surprised
It must be pouring out my sweat glands
It must be someplace in my eyes

I don't know why I am this way
I've been like this since I can remember
I try to keep up with everything I know I should do
But then I'll fall to pieces anyway

I don't know why I am this way
I'm not a good person, not even to you
I'm staying home because I can't stand the sound
Of another heartbeat in the room

I'm not a good person
Fuck it, you know it's true
I'm lazy, I'm a coward
I'm asleep all day in my room

I don't know why I am this way
I've been like this since I can remember
I try to keep up with everything I know I should do
But then I'll fall to pieces anyway

I don't know why I am this way

:: 2017 1 November :: 2.07pm

So so tired of existing

:: 2017 31 October :: 10.35pm

Sometimes you make me wish I could disappear

It not that I don't listen to you because I do, I just have a hard time piecing things together about people

Maybe it's just me being selfish maybe I feel like you never listen to me either

Maybe nothing really matters and everything is just a big old fucking waste of time we all end up dead anyway

:: 2017 30 October :: 2.13pm

i hate that you love them so much. the stories related to me don't inspire trust or confidence and i find myself reaching to make connections that aren't there.

where does this loyalty come from?
why are these drug addicts so important?

but there's no way to talk to you about it. and there's no way to express my feelings without sounding like a dumb jealous cunt.

but i can't see their value in your mind, i can't even see their value to society.

but they are probably right. i suck. i'm fat and ugly and stupid. a waste of time. just like they are to me.

:: 2017 29 October :: 1.00pm

The rest of my life is a blank slate... and I'm not sure what to fill it in with.

:: 2017 24 October :: 12.05am

Rape isn't funny. It not only is a vile act that happens all the time and that completely destroys the life of the victim, making jokes about it lessens it's impact, making it harder to be taken seriously and making it more difficult for victims to speak out for fear of victim blaming.

Don't make rape jokes or laugh at rape jokes if you want me to think you're a good person.

:: 2017 22 October :: 8.40am

so much debt
so many stupid fucking decisions
i'm a fucking piece of shit and i don't deserve nice things

:: 2017 14 October :: 7.55pm

i love the feeling of fresh ink

especially when i know the next session will be the last and this sleeve will finally be done and i can move onto something else is so exciting

i was to get an evil eye on my chest between my wings, get the wings touched up...

i really need to get my back stars covered or fixed because they are just so terrible and i would love to have something awesome back there instead of just some half ass whatever.

but man my legs are so bare

:: 2017 10 October :: 12.29am

vanilla huckleberry macarons

meh

my back hurts and i'm tired

i just want to cuddle

:: 2017 7 October :: 9.01am

woke is an odd work

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2017 6 October :: 10.13pm

chicken parm turned out ok, will be better next time if i do it again!

so incredibly stoned right now, but can't quite relax

can't sleep much anymore

getting headaches from my nsaids

the world is about to explode on itself

but thank fucking goddess there's fucking weed

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2017 2 October :: 9.34am

i was hoping that a sleep would help get rid of this empty hollow feeling deep inside

but how can sleep help with horrible things when horrible things happen whilst there?

i don't want to live here any longer. maybe all those celebrities died last year because they knew what was coming.

please someone stop this crazy ride, i want to get off.

:: 2017 1 October :: 9.38am
:: Mood: crushed

i have a big old heart of stone today.

i fucking hate you sometimes. i don't know why im still holding onto a friendship that burned hot and then burned out so quickly. maybe i don't want to accept the fact that i was just a tool in your life, a means to an end that was ultimately inconsequential to you. yeah you still occasionally compliment me, but i don't care how "beautiful" or "remarkable" you say i am, i know you are just.blowing smoke.

maybe if instead of bailing on all the plans we make, scheduling me for 2 weeks in advance to hang out and then "forgetting" even though i reminded you the day before, maybe if you actually once asked ME how I am doing rather than just talk about your life and problems.

i am happy you took a step to make yourself happy and are now living the life you always wanted. i wish you would just let me know because i know you don't even like me. you only love me conditionally when it can get you something you want.

you even told me you loved me once, and that you would be with me. and that was a lie to put a collar on my hearts it still hurts. it cut me like a dog forgotten tied to a tree.

it just fucking kills me. i miss you, and yet i hate you.

:: 2017 29 September :: 11.12pm

i understand your sadness so i guess i should hold my tongue

:: 2017 25 September :: 8.18pm

juanjolio got a bearded dragon and named him hobbs

he's light tan and when he wants out of his enclosure he goes super pale and makes his throat black and tries to get out

he didn't like me at first but i think now he likes me a lot

he found hobbs on craigslist for free some little punks couldn't give him the time, he came with a bum eye but it's getting better

he's so mad right now, too. he's a grumpy guy sometimes.

:: 2017 23 September :: 8.15am

nothing feels good
nothing is fun
my job sucks away all my joy
all my time
all my ambition

:: 2017 22 September :: 12.29pm

someone hurry up and murder me

suicide is too scary

and i want off this fucking ride

:: 2017 21 September :: 5.50pm

i swear to christ if you fucking tell me "let's not make this a thing" im going to fucking scream

1. i will make a "thing" out of whatever i feel is important enough to make a "thing" of.

2. me offering to be nice is not me making a "thing" out of the situation

3. fuck off

:: 2017 13 September :: 5.54pm

It would be so easy and freeing to slip into madness... Life is becoming far more surreal and less tangible than before. It's hard to judge what matters and whether societal constructs like consequences are even possible or are just in my head.

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2017 11 September :: 11.36pm

best things about being an adult:

1. pets
2. hotels
3. driving your own car

:: 2017 30 August :: 2.02pm

it feels like i can't ever do anything right

:: 2017 29 August :: 10.27pm

in all honesty i probably am too hard on myself. i'm not even 30 yet, halfway to making 6 figure salary. i get 150 hours off a year and in 3 years it goes up to 180. im doing better than the average person my age i think?

so i don't have a house. so i don't have a kid. there's no rush to make those decisions even now. like everyone else i do have a lot of debt, like a revolving door. and yes credit cards get me in a little trouble but not like before.

i need to stop bullying myself over not being good enough compared to other people. i am good enough because my heart is large and i love and am loved. i an generous and i try to be there for my friends, even if there's static going on. i am not perfect and i do become self centered at times, but that is part of loving yourself.

itll be okay. the future is yet to be seen. hopefully the craziness that is our world right now settles and i can stop feeling completely out of control and pessimistic. i hate what america is doing right now, caving in on itself. it's terrifying what might come, but then again, what generation HASN'T felt that way?

so much stress.

:: 2017 29 August :: 7.08pm

after 5 years of persistent hard work and dedication

i have finally achieved a goal i never thought possible

I JUST BLEW MY FIRST INTENTIONAL PERFECT SMOKE RING!!!!
omg omg omg

is like to thank marihuana cigarettes for making this all finally come true

through the sweet ganja goddess
all things are possible

:: 2017 26 August :: 9.04pm

feeling left behind or left out

:: 2017 23 August :: 5.21pm

starving myself hurts WAY less than feeding myself.

anorexia here i come!

:: 2017 21 August :: 5.52pm

when you have IBS is it like an every day kinda thing? or does it come and go like crohn's?

because idk if i can live every day feeling like this.

:: 2017 19 August :: 8.48am

the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that a couple people would be devastated if i stopped

but another 50 years of this? another 50 years of living the same bullshit every single day.

the sad eternal sorrow lodged deep in my heart

knowing this stone in my chest will never start beating again

i am an empty husk of a person, bland, boring, vanilla

a waste to time of space of paint

:: 2017 19 August :: 1.11am

SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY