I've decided. I want to have a party where
everyone gets high/drunk af and plays N64 and SNES.
I need another TV. People can rent those, right?
I'm going to do it at my apartment.
Somehow, much like other events I've had, I feel like no one is going to show up... Ugh. The Pacific Northwest is balls for open, trustworthy communication. The Seattle Freeze is a real fucking thing.
i hate my job because of its repetitive, redundant, and bureaucratic nature. i perform the same task over and over again and get allotted a different % in different categories. my goals are based in these %. hitting goal gets me raise. but still i find this as motivational as a free foot massage would be to the act of standing up.
yet, i play this repetitious fantasy social game, competeing with my teammates and other teams. i love this escape, despite its repetitive game play, performing simple repetitive tasks and participating in events so you can collect 'em all! but it absorbs me and i get lost in trying to climb higher in my team ranks. it makes me feel very validated to see my number of medals go up.
at work we set goal numbers at the beginning of the week and then show our end of week, and celebrate each other for doing well or whatever.
it's never very motivating. i keep a diary of every interaction i have for almost 1 past year (i delete after a year). i love scrolling back through my weeks and seeing how much work i've done. i like seeing that i've actually accomplished a great deal of work despite being pulled in many directions. and today i was chastised for doing this. then i was chastised for putting what i felt to be an essential step to a process in an instructional video i've done a billion times.
i have an interview on monday for a supervisor position. i won't get it but i just need the exposure i need to try something. i cried for 2 hours at work but my boss (who is out of blue abandoning me) thinks i should stay. despite how miserable i am.
but maybe it's not work. maybe it's me. how can i tell?
anyway it would be cool to make work feel more like a game. so i could feel accomplished for getting shit done rather than buried in it.
FUCK YOU YOU STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT WHY CANT YOU EVER FUCKING WORK IF YOU COULD PLEASE JUST FUCKING ONCE DO WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO ILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL BUT YOU WONT BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID INANIMATE UNFEELING THINGS THAT EXIST SOLELY TO PISS ME OFF
Sometimes I don't understand why my friends like me so much... I'm not very attentive. I'm not good at having conversations and not being awkward. I'm not a very kind or generous person.
I suppose I'm caring... but am I really? Can any human truly be so? Often times I wonder whether I'm just attempting to fit a role made up for me... One I don't really belong to or believe in but one I feel I must achieve or show I care about.
Do I really care about anything? Nhialism got ahold of me last summer and it's hard for me to shake it, even though I've been trying. It all continues to seem so pointless in many ways.
I'm a few months away from 30 years old and I still can't figure this thing out. I still can't get a grasp on life and society. I still feel like a child. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I feel like a kid dressing up as an adult. I'm sure my height has something to do with it... but I'm just... I'm not ready... for any of this.
i have consumed mucho el smoko to help me feel like i can't feel
i like joints because they remind me of cigarettes i miss those little
motherfuckers
what i miss is knowing i'll die sooner
because this world makes me so loathe to be here
i just miss you. more than i thought i would. but i'm working in trying to stifle my emotions and act like a strong independent woman, as much as i don't want to.
When I was a kid
My whole reality split
I was living a lie
I was a killing machine
I was a war lord
When I closed my eyes
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
When I was a kid
I was a total dick
To inanimate objects
The world beat the hell from me
I took it out on a tree
Great Illustrated Classics
I took it out on a fig tree
Out on the lawn
I took it out in the backyard (backyard!)
And behind Rite Aid
I took it out on the crates
And on the shopping carts
We were on another plane
I was the king of pain
In unspeakable cruelty
I set the mommy on fire
I set the baby on fire
Not even Jesus could stop me
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
Stop, stop