I reach for the bottle and disappear

:: 2017 30 January :: 2.16pm

Fuck Donald Trump.

4 left me love | leave me love

:: 2017 27 January :: 6.43am

coheed & cambria for my birthday??? yes please!

:: 2017 26 January :: 9.15pm

Life is overwhelming.
My family is the basis for my understanding in love. Not God or religion. Not any school education. Not any damned Disney movie. I love my family and know true, unconditional love because they taught me what it was by loving me. I would do anything for them and vice versa.

This is my support. This is my comfort. This is everything I have ever searched for. I just wish it were easier to have closer. If my brother ever chose to move back to Spokane, I would go there in a minute. I'm contemplating going back to be closer to my parents anyways. Sometimes I feel like the glue.

I don't know what I was doing for my adolescent years... I wish I spent all my time with my family. And Anna and Lizzie of course because they're honorary family. I just wish I could go back, knowing to charish every day as they came. Running to the General Store beyond my Grammie's house for sweets with my brother. Family trips to forests and lakes. Max and Nancy's cabin and The Beatles and our walks and hummingbirds on the porch. Christmas mornings when my parents would surprise us with so many toys our heads would spin. And so much more. Especially the group hugs...

Every waking moment of my life has been made better by my family and I would never trade them for anything. I make sure they know it every damn day, too. My beautiful family.

:: 2017 25 January :: 9.22pm

adrift and not so at peace

i don't know what i want.

:: 2017 25 January :: 6.32am

im sad for the world and america.

like being around a train wreck and being forced to watch.

:: 2017 21 January :: 7.18pm

I always think of all these whitty retorts that are super shitty to say to people. But then I'm too much of a weenie to say anything. I wish I was more of a bitch sometimes. I wish I had nads like Kayla. She's such a boss.

:: 2017 18 January :: 10.53pm

why does it feel like i give and people take and that's it

i feel like my cup is empty

but nothing i do to fill it seems to work

:: 2017 18 January :: 9.27pm

Kayla won't let me be hopeless. I'll open up to her and she'll come up with a ton of new ways to approach things. She's amazing. How have I ever lived without her?

I feel like I need to do something special for my dear friends. I have developed such deep reltionships with so many people over the years. Some of the relationships I worked so hard to cultivate over the course of my lifetime have simply gone "poof"...and that accentuates how meaningful and close my other friendships are. My 12 dear friends - about half of whom I regularly speak with due to distance mostly.... I have to think of something I can make for them. I wish they were all as sentimental as I am. I wish I could express their importance to me by doing one thing or giving one thing.i have to do it now or it may be too late.

Julius gave me a very thoughtful gift for Christmas. He gave me a picture of his daughter. She is such a sweet little thing. I would just hold onto her forever if I could. And I will!

So the process begins - the process by which I give the most thoughtful gift of all. I will Leslie Knope the shit out of this.

:: 2017 16 January :: 6.22pm

the KI project im doing at work has me feeling invigorated. it is extremely validating and i feel extremely excited at the prospect of the monetary rewards for saving the company some money in the long term. but most importantly i'm lookin forward to improving the quality of work life. if people were less frustrated with the process i believe they will start working with a higher quality.

or at least my life will be less painful because it will be harder to mess things up because there won't be 2,098,394 places in the transaction to mess it up.

unfortunately, i also have jury duty starting tomorrow. i do not want to get picked. 2 weeks ago i would have loved to have been selected and go thru the whole process, but now i find it much more valueable to be at work and working towards this 30 day deadline.

it helps that the klapper guy is so encouraging. i feel safe to try and be stupid and mess things up, because a boss figure said it was okay. and he's not one of us. which makes me feel like i can trust him.

i have never been happier at work than i am right now. i feel that my skills are finally being valued appropriately and this is my opportunity to finally shine. my year review was better than last years, and i am optimistic this year will be even better. while my life is virtually reduced to a set of numbers, with this new opportunity i almost feel like more than a number.

i fucking love being more than a number.

:: 2017 13 January :: 8.19pm

It's kind of funny to know some people are so self-involved that they wouldn't take the time to be disingenuous with you or lie to you.

...Interesting how life works out...

:: 2017 12 January :: 11.00pm

why is coheed & cambria so fucking cool?

and god damn i would love a bite of claudio'a hair mmmm hmmmm

:: 2017 11 January :: 8.28pm

sooooooooo not looking forward to tomorrow.

meeting a new doctor who will hopefully help with fmla. i fucking hate doctors. they make me feel so many deep dark emotions

my year performance review happens too. that's going to be completely wretched.

adulting fucking sucks.

:: 2017 8 January :: 7.31am

sometimes i think i'd love to live in seattle again. i'd be able to go to the zoo or the science center whenever i want. i could maybe make some friends and explore the city.

and then i think about the earthquakes and the traffic and i talk myself out of it. spokane isn't so bad is it. or is it.

i just don't know how to decide what to do with my future. for how valueable i am, my current employer undervalues me. is it worth trying to find something better.

or are my job stoppers really going to stop me from getting a job.

:: 2017 4 January :: 11.14pm

and it really feels suffocating room filling with water barely hanging on

:: 2017 4 January :: 7.34pm
:: Mood: 2.19

Sometimes I just forget certain people exist entirely.

...Othertimes, they're always on my mind. I've been thinking about you alot lately. I'll be working or driving or hanging out with someone and little moments we shared pop into my head. I think about your eyes and your hair and your finger nails... I think abiut your voice and your face and where we'd be now. I would love nothing more than to have you in my life. I made a mistake. One I can't take back. One I will never forgive myself for. And until the day I keel over and die or maybe until you become forgotten like the others, I will continue to weep each time you pop up in my head. Although the tears are internal now they are a tsunami of regret and they wreck me. Completely. But it's no more than I deserve. My love for you will live forever, eternal... Until the mountains crumble. Until they turn to dust. Until the oceans freeze and the stars fall from the sky. Until the sun expands and swallows the reminence of this Earthen shell. Until the Universe degrades and everything is no more... not even then will I stop loving you.

:: 2017 1 January :: 1.30am

happy 4th of july everyone

$87 cab ride home from idaho
danced, drank & smiled
kisses at midnight
NYE successful

2017... ready! set!

:: 2016 29 December :: 2.33pm
:: Mood: high

fuck it dog life's a risk
https://youtu.be/kF4KkXLxW0Q

sittin in my whip smoking by myself while it's 30 degrees out

can't let him see me cry
i am just so FUCKED and i need some help

but you can't ask you just can't fucking ask it's too scary
i can't be seen as vulnerable
i can't be weak
i can't stand still

oh my god it's like boo fucking hoo it's just all about you. and, man, you're so sensitive

:: 2016 29 December :: 9.46am

our year end performance review is drawing nigh and i know mine is going to be dismal. even though i work hard when im at work and am meeting my numbers, since i've had 14 unplanned absencense this year i know it's going to destroy any good that i've got going on.

and the stupidest part is if my doctor would have just filled out my fmla paperwork it wouldn't be an issue. but no, she's a shitty doctor and im being punished for it.

i just want the review to be done so i can get over it, rather than it hanging over my head like the specter of defeat.

im tired of working my ass off and still being told i'm no good.

i want winter to be over.

:: 2016 27 December :: 9.30am

I hate being drunk. I only ever make a fool of myself. Me + booze = regrets.

I need to grow the fuck up.

:: 2016 27 December :: 7.59am

fever cough stuffy death

out of time off at work

have to be here with a fever

because my fracking doctor wouldn't fill out my fmla paperwork

not until we "tried everything" even though nothing helped and i was still missing work

i fucking HATE doctors

i don't give them any more respect than i do a criminal

because that's what they are

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2016 24 December :: 10.33pm

...just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he's John Wayne...Rambo... Marshal Dillion?

:: 2016 24 December :: 1.40pm

Got to see Celeste and met Chris yesterday. Julez came over with Miranda today. Boxing Day, I get Anna time. I am so happy. I love my family and friends. We keep going for walks in the snow as a family. Little Rosey hops like a bunny and gets snowballs stuck in her fur. We're all so tired but it feels like a good kind of tired. It doesn't feel stagnant here anymore... it feels precious...

4 left me love | leave me love

:: 2016 21 December :: 10.36pm

i don't know if i have had someone feel this strongly about me since jeremiah. mexicans are very passionate people. sometimes i feel like i'm too cynical to fully enjoy how wonderful love can really be. i'm not afraid to get hurt, i think it's more my ability to feel deeply has been somewhat diminished.

i've missed my passion for a long time. i've always wanted to find it again. i used to think that maybe having kids would fill that, but now that having kids is more of a real possibility than ever before, i feel myself getting cold feet. the whole idea terrifies me. it changes things in a very real way and once you have them you can't unhave them. is that really what i want? what do i even want. i haven't really given it much thought. i mean definitely a house, a car, a career, but never more than that. and now i find myself even questioning if these are things i want or just what i feel i should want.

but now i'm almost out of my 20's and things are speeding up. my life is 100% controlled by my work schedule. would having kids be a welcome change of pace? i already just stay at home all the time anyway. what would it really make worse? what would it really make better?

bjorne is snoring. he's so adorable. i love him so much, even if he's a wretched pizza junkie. fatty mcfatteraon. takes after his ma. hahaha

but seriously my look was on point today. i am in love with my urban decay naked basics 2 palette. the matte neutrals just make such a soft and elegant look. understated glamour. i've been wearing this really cool lipstick from portland black lipstick company that i didn't really like at first, but with this palette i feel like i really get this sweet look going. kinda edgy at work but not too in your face. i've really toned down my whole look. i'm not sure how i feel about it. is it because i'm getting older and feel compelled to "act my age" or is it because my tastes are changing.

hard to tell anymore. fuck it. i don't even fuckin care.

:: 2016 18 December :: 11.36am

is it too much to ask that once

just once

a big purchase of mine wouldn't turn out to be a lemon.

i just want something to work as advertised.

just once

:: 2016 18 December :: 7.08am

7am on a sunday.. why da fuq am i awake

:: 2016 16 December :: 3.03pm

as a teenager i was the pizza face d'jour

:: 2016 13 December :: 10.18pm

kinda disappointed in myself that only one person got a hand made gift this year!

just bought a bunch of things on the interwebs..

having the hardest time figuring out what to get him. i found this great t shirt. want to get him some band or guitar stuff.. but worried it won't do.

maybe ill make a pick jar.

:: 2016 13 December :: 2.08pm

you'll pretend that i can see you
and i'll pretend that you're the one

because that's what we want.

but no one ever can really see you. it's not your face they see in the mirror.

:: 2016 11 December :: 9.50am

Dreams remind me how much I hate you. How you've spoiled little things for me.

:: 2016 10 December :: 4.52pm

Everything about you is fake