sitting next to all these slender sexy men, I can't help but fantasize nibbling on their ears. imagining how big their dicks are. imagining their bodies under their nicely pressed shirts.
and while you never see it as a career opportunity, if you get too close, you'll get sucked in, finger printed in 45 states and then it's 15 years later and you wonder what the fuck happened.
yesterday Zoe and I biught dude outfits and colonge and went to the parade, and people were ridiculously unfriendly. at the bars everyone tried to pick arguments with us.
People make choices that are better for them in the end, they care little of the effect it has on someone else. I have and so have others. And I'm not going to stop living because someone has decided to not keep me in their life. If they really cared about me, they would have stuck around. Goodbye past, hello true present, I'm not quite ready for you, but you've been thrust upon me. How could I not have remembered the whole reason why I made this journal in the first place?
"Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody."
so, other than feeling really shitty about not knowing anything about the bass, band practice was really fun. i learned so much and know i can actually practice without getting pissed off because i can't get my thumb to move fast enough.
it's finally raining, and it feels so good. i want to cuddle up and watch a movie and eat some papa murphy's.
went to Andy's band's practice last night. it was so absolutely inspiring. I hope my band rocks half as hardcore as they do. they might let me try out to be a singer! it just.. a huge grin was plastered to my face the whole time. and they just know so much, I am such a n00b
it was a crazy night. so much went down. spokane is sooooo small. the fear of running into someone Sus and I slept with is very real, because I see these women EVERYWHERE and they all remember me, and I don't always remember them. hawkward.
but the family of the house it was at are just soooo adorable. they remind me of my family. just weird and adorable. TEEN BOAT
heading to my volunteer day at the Spokane aids network! helping others always makes me feel so good about myself. I just hope my back thinks it's as awesome XD
today was extremely emotionally taxing. it's like so many lives are crumbling around me and I'm doing everything I can to hold up the pieces. or at least keep them in a nice little pile to be rebuilt..
and my ear won't pop.. I'm so tired of hacking and blowing my nose and not being able to breathe..
I got a new job! it's still with the same company, but it's out of the wretched department im in now. it's a step back but I'm not losing any money and my schedule is essentially the same. but it's doing a lot of form work and customer service, and it also is a little bit of coverage counseling, which im a little excited about. trying not to be too much of an insurance geek... but I do think I'm gonna try and retire at liberty mutual. thats my long term goal curently.
so to celebrate the new job, and just the fact is finally fucking friday ", zoe came over and we got a Lyft downtown and started at mootsy's. we saw a guy who looked like a weird version of the dude, with a walrus and an elephant tattooed on his knees. then we went to luckys which is where I've gone the last 3 times I've gone out. and each time has been completely amazing. the crowd there is just so random, there's no real demographic. and people watching there is fabulous!!! and then you can fucking shake your booty to awoke bad ass music. the dj's mix is just so fantastic, it has modern club music and a healthy mix of 90s and some remixes. and everyone is nice and smiley and friendly. and there are some UBER dancers there. I introduced myself to one, the first one, the was so fresh, and a gorgeous dark skin tone. he said people called him token. he was so gorgoeus. then there was another dark tasty man who could move like a menace! he was having a dance off with this little white dude and he was holding his own, but very loose and messy looking. it was the coolest thing I have seen in a spell! it was so fun!
but then Zoe's boo and his posse showed up, Trevor Erin (guy, went to LC, graduated in 05) Allan and Matt. T is a sweetie, really cool dude, him and Erin are learning sing language together and have secret conversations. I'm thinking of taking some classes.. anyway Matt is a raging asshole who apparently has a very small heart of gold. but him and Erin and Allan were all just being assholes, so I go outside to have a smoke, finish one slowly, wait like 5 minutes and this girl shows up asking for a light, so I smoke another with her. she was adorkable. total sweetheart, very real person. I enjoyed talking to her, I kinda think we went to high school together but I haven't checked. anyway eventually zoe comes out in the middle of the smoke, and we sign a petition, and I go back inside, night progresses with a TON of booty shaking and Jell-O shots and booze (and water!!). t leaves with his crew to dunkles? or something, it opened a few weeks ago, and we meet them there, and Matt is enraged we are there, he fucking hates zoe for some mysterious reason. he was a douche. anyway we have a drink there, then go get hot dogs. zoe has peed twice in public at this point! we are chillin on the corner shooting shit. we get into a debate about how joking about rhianna getting hit by Chris brown is more offensive than one about the World Trade Center terrorist attack. and me and Erin see going at it. I was seeing red most of the night and this was just the perfect time to argue for arguments sake. it was nice to feel like a bitch! and a smart bitch. Allan and t were trying to keep the peace "oh they aren't really bad guys, blah blah". bullshit!
so I go with zoe to pee behind the umpqua bank (which is the bank where a and m work) and it was fun, but I got pee on my boot... anyway, these two cute girls come up and ask for a light, and they are toasted. one is really friendly and extroverted and the other was kinda bitter and introverted. the extrovert was hitting on me pretty hard, and then I impressed her by talking about my major because she was there from MN giving a speech on some business concepts. I probably could have gone with her to her hotel that night, or at least made out, but I was too chickenshit. I need to be more aggressive I think, if I ever want to get anywhere with women. I know the body language, I just get scared of that rejection if I'm wrong. (I haven't ever been wrong though, so I'm not sure what the problem is). Allan drove me and Zoe home and we hung out, finally going to bed at 4.
it was a fun night. could have been better but I had a good time nonetheless! we ran into the tattoo guy outside luckys and he was an interesting guy. weird but funny.
I'm excited for this new adventure at work. I start in two weeks. five months of training. and I think I'll have my favorite boss again!! and she'll be in training with me. I feel like I'm betraying my team members, but I need to be happy, and this job is just too sad for me.
this birthday was enjoyable. friday I had dinner with friends at my favorite sushi place, then we went to lucky's. Samie even danced! it was just me, Samie, Zoe and mike there, and we met up with kim and her group.. we ran into this dog, I think I make him insecure.. not sure haha anyway, it was good. saturday I bought a new piece, super rad double perk set up. named her thumbelina. went to bed early, then chilled with mike until he had to leave.
then I just sat and enjoyed music and third rock from the sun til me sister came. quiet evening with my family.
everything was so delicious. and everyone was so sweet. I couldn't have asked for more. it was beautiful out, and it made me happy
The best parts about woohu are:
1. Complete freedom to be yourself.
2. Small, supportive community of friends.
3. No adds.
4. Fast load time for lack of all that extra junk.
5. Able to be colorfully customized to your liking.
a twisted serpent called nostalgia slipped into my stomach. i feel it churning inside me. happy memories project on a dirty screen, tinted rose to match the drapes.
as i stalk him on facebook, i grapple with my gut in a fervent battle for sovereignty, as my heart sinks heavy with sympathy, and if i knew he was home i would consider sending him a note. should i feel repulsed at myself? should i just forgive myself and go to bed early? my body yearns for his, my eyes are thirsty for is skin and lips and teeth.
do i miss him because i know i can't have him? or do i miss him because i'm desperately lonely?
i just want to destroy something beautiful, sometimes.