I've had either food poison or a stomach flu since Sunday. I missed monday, half of tuesday, and will be missing today from work.. I ruined my sheets this morning.
I don't feel as sick as my body is telling me.. and now all my sheets and towels are dirty. my house smells like shit. my dogs are disgusting.
I'm really digging this volunteer stuff. she is so frickin awesome and I just adore her. she's so sweet and silly! I need to make her something asap!! she is ugh so cute!
and I feel so good, because I think I'm really gonna make a difference in this kids life, and it makes me feel validated as a human. I always wanted to have a big sister when I was growing up. I think my life would have turned out so differently, and now I have a chance to do it for someone else. paying it forward and showing all those judgmental d bags that just because I'm different I can't be a good role model!
maybe just doing this, and helping kids like her, maybe foster kids, idk, can fill that hole I feel for a child, without committing to it. who knows maybe I'll foster a kid that belongs to me, like kindred spirits, and that is what I should just aim for. either way I feel good about myself. win win.
I've been so happy lately. like I'm not super happy all the time but just in general I feel happy much more frequently. I laugh all the time, I smile when I'm alone. I sing to myself. I just smile like an asshole on sunny days with all my windows down and I just feel like the world is beautiful again. I feel hope for the future for the first time in forever.
I also have been trying to stop telling people what to do.. unless they ask for it. it is so hard not to own my friends problems, and I feel kinda like an asshole sometimes, but I feel a lot less guilty now, and I rarely overthink things. I just feel so at peace with myself.
it's been a good month. I can solidly say it was good. excellent maybe even. and I don't think anything (except the obvious) can bring me down.
I love my home, I love my dogs, I love my family, I love my friends and I just love being responsible for myself and building my future. I have the best possible outcomes right now for myself And I'm making the most of it!
or at least not sweating it. it's all good. I'm proud of where I am and where I've been.
meeting my little in an hour. I stayed home today because bjorne was sick this morning. I have felt off all day and I'm not sure why. of course I'm nervous, just as nervous as I get when I meet anyone new.. but it's something else. just this sense of dread? maybe apprehension? I'm not really sure.
I've been feeling excellent lately. I have avoided thinking about all the negative and sad things that usually occupy my mind. and even now I'm not thinking about those topics, but that familiar hollowness is present.
either way I'm excited to meet my little. I hope it goes well!
::
2015 21 February :: 5.24pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: the indiest shit your earholes have heard
.... steppin out (bjorne) ....
so, a creative bug has hit me, and i have written my first song. please keep in mind this is a rough version and is subject to change. at this point i only have the lyrics, but i think i know what key i want to write it in and am working out how i want it to sound. i am, nevertheless, filled with an exuberant amount of pride at this. and while i may feel extremely exposed, please enjoy:
totally an adult now. just bought my first newer vehicle!
and I love it!!
she is small, black and quiet, just like my soul... bahahaha /emo
today has been excellent. I am going to just drive everywhere. I'm so stoked gonna drive around with my guitar and some paper and a pen and just get inspired, man.
like a fuckin Subaru commercial, only its a Chevy.
last night was a good night. tonight will be good too. monday was good too!
Monday was also the anniversary of the passing of my grandpa. it's been 13 years since then, and I miss him every day.
also, I haven't heard from andrew in a month and a half. I even tried adding money to his phone. I'm gonna try to write to him again, but last time the letter never made it..
in love with my new laptop. definitely worth the money I paid. Only downside is that the CD to install MS Works was shipped separately and not as fast so I can't do my stupid assignment. go figure.
but otherwise, it is so fast, and awesome. (i hate windows 8)
Having my family over for dinner tonight! very nervous. very.
I dig my toes into the sand. the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket. I lean against the wind and pretend I am weightless, and in this moment I am happy.