::
2004 24 July :: 1.45 am
:: Mood: pissed off
i blew up at ben and i feel bad, but in my own mind he was being an asshole to me, so he did his usual away message thing and then i just told him to have a great fuckin life and blocked him.
goddd, fuck everybody. i'm just not fucking happy anymore and i'll be a bitch about it. i think i'm bipolar, i swear to god i wouldn't be suprised. i'll be happy, then fucking pissed, then i'll be bawling. i doubt it, but oh well.
i'm just so fucked up. i'm tired of fucking people fucking me over. it's bullshit. uggh. it feels like nobody cares, everybodys got their own shit to deal with.
Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depression, is a mood disorder characterized by dramatic mood swings. These mood swings range from mania (extreme highs) to depression (distinctly low or irritable moods). It is estimated that 2.5 million Americans have bipolar disorder. There are two types of bipolar disorder – bipolar I disorder and bipolar II disorder. Bipolar I disorder, the most common type, is characterized by recurrent episodes of mania and depression. Patients with bipolar II disorder experience depression and hypomania, which is a milder form of mania with less severe symptoms.
k i'm done.
i dare ya. |
::
2004 23 July :: 1.53 am
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: naddda
hiii
hey shitheads!! [shithead being my new word for awhile =)] ummm.. i'm bored so guess what, random entry time!! woo.
today was lovely. last night found out kasey was in the hospital =( poor kid. so karlie cody & i went and visited his ass. it had a lot of fun.. haha it fuckin rocked. we were laughing our asses off the whole time, up until then end when i randomly layed down on the little couch and then got up after awhile stretched out on kaseys pimp bed.. haha.. then cody passed out on the mini couch. so we quieted down for awhile. then we had the food ordeal which was lovely. sickening food. bleh.
dropped cody off..went home for a bit. talked to austin, shithead. got in a little fit with him. then jane and i went to hobby lobby for some cloth. and ended up with cloth and chocolate. =P because im cool.
then went back to my krizzle and chilled and chatted. then took jane home. magnificent day, eh? i thought so. good day off. and tomorrow better be twice as good! :)
hmm. what else is new.
i guess the word is out that kasey likes me. caught me off guard when i was told because he doesn't act like he likes me, we just act like buds. so it was a bit suprising. but it's all good.
my phone is lighting up. nobodys calling though :( i'm not cool enough. i wish more people would call. i love when random people call. it's lovely.
after awhile here i'm going to read a book, because they're fun & i have nothing else to do. i hate sterotypes. people who think reading is just for school and people who like "all kinds of music except country" i've really grown out of the stupid immature stage, but i'm sure there are still things i sterotype. because honestly.. reading can be really artistic and there is definitely nothing wrong with that. i dunno shit like that has grown to piss me off now. people need to get out of their childish stages and grow up a little and be their own person... grr
also, since i mentioned it.. i hate that people just can't be their own person.. they can build an image of their own, like when people copy people in things they like and they way they act.. i mean, theres nothing wrong with liking what other people like, i'm just talking about the annoying way.. when they try to make it who they are, when hmm.. it sounds just like somebody else. ahh. it bugs me.
i'm a random rambler. i had a goofy dream last night that i told karlie about.. haha, it fuckin rocked. it was so real, i love those kind of dreams, when they're good & funny & odd. yeeep.
well, i don't know how much longer i should make this. i think this will do. okkaay!
MUCH love
---0H YEAH:
like the new layout & icon & journal title? i do. it rocks.
i dare ya. |
::
2004 21 July :: 2.33 am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: fuckin stupid Nelly
Reality Check.
Seriously. music today is going to shit. like fuckin nelly.. & "flap your wings" .. wtf.
k.. i'm annoyed easily by this.
i need a boyfriend.
alison needs a boyfriend. booooyffriiend.
k. i'm good now.
ta ta
i dare ya. |
::
2004 20 July :: 12.36 am
* Last person who..
Slept in your bed - why i did silly!
Saw you cry - that was probably kayla karlie & nicole when i found out about my gpa
Made you cry - ...too much
Spent the night at your house - i don't remember, don't do much of that lately
You shared a drink with - kayla yesterday i believe
You went to the movies with - kayla & tyler
You went to the mall with - kayla karlie & tyler lol
Yelled at you - probably my mom or dad
Sent you an e-mail - i don't know
* Have you ever..
Said "I love you" - Yes and i meant it!
Been to New York? - Nope
Been to Florida? - Nope
California? - Yeah, lived there goofy
Hawaii? - Nope
Japan? - Nah
China? - Nope.
Canada? - No.
Danced naked - haha nah. i'll have to add that to my to-do list.
* Pick one..
Apples or bananas? Apples
Red or blue? Blue.
Walmart or Kmart? Walmart
Math or English? Math
Radio or CD? CD
Drawing or painting? Drawing
High school or college? High school
* Random junk
Last time you went out of your state? June to Minnesota
Weirdest thing about you? Everything, lol
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope
What do you think of ouija boards? crrazy! bad experiences.
What book are you reading now? Trying to find a good one.
What's on your mouse pad? from my madres work
Favorite board game? I dunno.
Favorite magazine? Seventeen
Favorite sound? Music
Worst feeling in the world? Failing.
What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning? What time is it & can't i sleep forever?
How many rings before you answer the phone? Whenever i get to the phone.
Future daughter's name? idk
Future son's name? idk
Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate.
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Nope
If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be? Something in the medical field
What are you going to do after you finish this survey? Continue watching tv, maybe eat & go to bed
What was the last food you ate? Lasanga
Last movie you saw? Anchorman
Three things you are often complimented for: hmm i dunno
You get embarrassed when: When i say something really stupid
You keep a diary? a journal in a notebook that i write in occasionally & this journal.
You like to cook? Sure
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone? I suppose i could come up with something, yeah.
You set your watch a few minutes ahead? Sometimes
You bite your fingernails? Nope
You believe in love? Of course
* What is..
Your most overused phrase on AIM: "lol, haha, yeah"
Last image/thought you go to sleep with: I dunno, i just crash!
* Do you..
Take a shower everyday: Yep.
Have a crush: I dunno anymore.
Think you've been in love: Yeah..
Want to get married: That's what i look forward to in life
Have any tattoos: Nope
Piercings: Yeah, ears & navel
Get along with your parents: yeah
* Favorites
Number: 26
Color: Pink&Black, Green, and Blue
Day: Saturday.
Month: May
Song: Too many
Food: Italian + Mexican
Drink: Water
Season: Summer, Fall & Winter
* In the last 24 hours, have you..
Cried? Yep
Helped someone? Yeah
Bought something? Yeah
Gone to the movies? Nope
Gone out for dinner? No
Said "I love you"? Nope.
Written a real letter? No.
Talked to an ex? Yep
Missed an ex? Ugh
Written in a journal? Yeah online
Had a serious talk? Kinda
Missed someone? Yeah
Hugged someone? No
Kissed someone? No
Fought with your parents? Surprisingly, no.
Fought with a friend? No
i dare ya. |
::
2004 19 July :: 12.55 am
:: Mood: grr
:: Music: tv
grr
errr.. people. i do nothing but yet i get bitched at because somebody else is bitching at them. i sit & try and be cool about it and just get them to talk to me about it, people need to fucking learn that you can be in a bad mood w/ somebody & you don't need to put that mood onto somebody else who didn't do anything to you. i tell myself, "okay, so much for a friendly help." next time you feel like helping me i'll just tell you to fuckin shove it up your ass. i'm not going to name names, i'm just looking at this in perspective of a reality check here.
i hate crabby fuckin pissed off people with a passion.
i dunno. is it so much to be in a good mood anymore? for maybe the last 5 days i've been in an odd good mood. and i seriously have nothing to really be in a good mood over, which makes me depressed.
i have emotional problems. i honestly do. & it isn't something i'm just saying because we all have emotional problems but there's just so much that i can't explain.
this fucking sadness that takes over me every fucking night. it's pathetic and i just don't know what to do. i don't tell anybody either because then that makes me feel more pathetic than i already do.
whatever
i dare ya. |
::
2004 16 July :: 6.21 pm
doot doot, hii. bored. uumm jazz fest is tonight. exciting, eh? hmmm..
i don't really know what to say i was just bored & i definitely don't have anything better to do.. lalaladeadadeada.
:(
i dare ya. |
::
2004 14 July :: 11.37 am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: nothing
nothing
I am bored & i woke up at 10 and that blows.
Hmmm.... oo well.
i dare ya. |
::
2004 13 July :: 3.00 am
:: Mood: aggravated
when i look into your eyes
i fall for you all over again
yet knowing that my heart
will be left broken in the end..
so why do i put myself through
so much hurt and pain?
when all i get in return are
tears that fall like rain.
foolish it seems
to dance in the
>>rain
but sometimes
it's those childish things
that take way the
>>pain
have you ever felt so
>>alone
and nothing makes sense?
well that's how i feel
right now. i feel like i'm facing
everything by myself. with nothing but
>>tears
and a fake smile.
i dare ya. |
::
2004 13 July :: 2.46 am
:: Mood: crushed
just another one of those nights again.
fuck life
i dare ya. |
::
2004 12 July :: 11.42 pm
*01. I have a cell phone.
*02. I'm obsessed with new things.
03. I'm the youngest child. [try only..]
*04. I am a shopoholic. [/w certain things]
05. I love my gauged earrings.
06. I love wearing a lot of black eyeliner
07. I love Daquiris.
*08. I love the weekends.
*09. i CAN'T LiVE WiTHOUT LiPGLOSS. [sometimes..]
*10. I can't live without music. [fo sho]
11. I lived in Tahoe. [...hmm, nope]
*12. I spend money I have.
13. I'll be in college for over 4 years. [maybe]
*14. I love designer handbags. [ sure ]
15. I get annoyed easily.
*16. I eventually want kids.
*17. I love the Backstreet Boys. [ not currently, but i did ]
18. I have more than a couple horrible memories.
19. I'm addicted to Degrassi.
*20. I am a person.
21. My first kiss was unexpected.
22. I start school on Jan 4th or 5th
*23. I love taking pictures.
*24. I hate girls who are fake.
*25. I can be mean when I want to.
*26. My dreams are bizzare.
27. I am bisexual.
28. I have way too many pairs shoes.
29. I've seen She's all That at least 50 times.
*30. I dress how I feel that day.
31. I love Charmed.
*32. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.
*33. I hate when people are ridiculously late.
*34. I procrastinate.
35. Winter is my favorite season.
36. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
*37. I love to sleep.
*38. I wish I was smarter.
39. I am the hottest bachelor / bachelorette
*40. I have a lot of drama.
41. No one knows my full story of my life.
42. I love my hair.
*43. I sometimes fight with my parents.
*44. I love the beach.
*45. I have had the chicken pox.
*46. I'm excited for the future.
47. I can't control my emotions.
*48. I can't wait til New Year's.
49. I love the show 'Rich Girls'
*50. I love my friends.
51. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
*52. I can be very insecure sometimes.
53. I have had a broken bone.
*54. I hate ignorant people.
55. I love my laptop.
*56. I love guys that play the guitar.
*57. I state the obvious.
58. I'm a happy person
*59. I love to dance.
*60. I love to sing.
*61. I hate cleaning my room.
*62. I tend to get jealous very easily.
*63. I like to play video games.
*64. I love John Mayer
*65. I hate when I see animals/people getting hurt/abused.
66. I'm a vegetarian/vegan/don't eat beef
*67. I don't like to study for tests.
68. I love playdoh
*69. I am too forgiving
*70. I have a good sense of direction.
*71. I love high school. [for the most part]
*72. I have a talent of sweet talking my way out of things.
*73. I don't drink enough to get drunk.
*74. I love kisses on the forehead.
*75. I love the color blue (pink is better)
76. I don't sew.
77. I am addicted to drugs.
*78. I love the Olsen twins
79. I'm gonna try out for the softball team.
*80. I become stressed easily.
*81. I hate liars.
*82. I like comfy sweatpants.
83. Bam Margera is AWESOME.
*84. I love the smell of fresh laundry.
*85. I love my family.
*86. I don't mind getting shots.
*87. I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things.
*88. I always wanted to learn to play the drums.
*89. I hate the feeling of failure.
*90. I am still a virgin. (mm hmm)
*91. I would love to have my own fashion line.
92. I can be quite selfish.
*93. I still act like a little kid. (sometimes lol)
*94. Above all, I despise dishonesty.
*95. I can stay on the computer forever.
*96. I love music.
*97. I wish I was more motivated when it comes to school.
*98. I love getting stuff in the mail!!!!!
*99. i HAVE PROBLEMS LETTiNG GO OF PEOPLE.
*100. I hate the feeling of being alone.
i dare ya. |
::
2004 11 July :: 11.52 am
aaah
kayla [ basically in response to your response ]: i love you and i'm sorry i didn't say anything, there's no need to feel sorry for not saying anything because i would have brushed it off anyways and said it was nothing, but if even if you'd have caught me i wouldn't have an explanation, because sometimes when i feel down i just think of something sad and start crying. as screwed up as i am, it's the truth. i feel better today though, i do want to talk to you about other things. nice things, that'll make me happy.Ü
this is exactly how i feel about it
Too much of a good thing is a good thing by Alan Jackson
Smiles in the morning as warm as sunshine
Kisses when I lay down at night
And two loving arms to console me
I should be scared it's so right
But too much of a good thing, is a good thing
Feelings like this can't be wrong
And too much of a good thing, is a good thing
And we've got a good thing going on
You look in my eyes and see my thinkin
I know when you're happy, when you're sad
Some would say it's too perfect
But I don't think what we have is so bad
Cause too much of a good thing, is a good thing
Feelings like this can't be wrong
And too much of a good thing, is a good thing
And we've got a good thing going on
Yeah, we've got a good thing going on
Hmmm... i wonder... Ü
i dare ya. |
::
2004 11 July :: 12.59 am
:: Mood: crying
depressed...
since 9 tonight i've held back my tears and now they're coming out. i am so depressed. i can feel tears falling from both eyes on my cheeks. the thing that scares me most is this is the 4th time i've cried at night this week. fake smiles during the day but when it comes night i'm a lost soul, the real me, just a depressed fuck. i'm not me anymore.
clark gave me a ride home tonight, gene and holly followed. as we got onto Judy i told him to drop me off at frank olsen and he did. i walked the 6 or 7 blocks home. i didn't care. it was dark and i couldn't see anything. i just walked. i didn't want to go home because by the time i got to my street i was basically bawling just not extremely for fear of random people seeing. but as clark drove off i called zach. i needed somebody and he was the person i needed. so as i was walking home i called him and he was in the area so he came over. i sat outside in the lawn waiting for him, in tears. i couldn't stop myself and everything i said i just choked. i'd start saying something but couldn't completely finish, because i'd start bawling. he cheered me up though, he told me to forget everything and just smile. so i tried and i did & by the time i had to go in we were wrestling on the lawn & dancing in the moonlight, and i was happy. some people just don't understand the feelings i've got for him, or actually my feelings in general. if somebody asked whats wrong right now i wouldn't be able to say because i don't know myself. i'm just depressed, as if it were a personality or something, it's just the way i am right now.
just shoot already.
you know, i look at myself as being the kind of person that i tell everybody not to be. i've been thinking about this for weeks. for example if it doesn't make sense, i'd be the one who'd run off with somebody, being totally rebelous and before i leave just telling my friends to make something of theirselves and don't take the same road as me, be sucessful. that shows about how much self confidence i have in myself, i just see myself as screwing up and just not being important but telling everybody else to not be that way, as if i'm looking out for my friends but not watching out for myself. as fucked up as it sounds thats what i've been thinking for at least 2 weeks. i am messed up.
i should be happy. i mean, even after hanging out with zach, which i do feel better because of seeing him but i'm still sad.. which doesn't make sense, but i guess neither does life.
clark just IMed me & said 'why'd you walk?' and then 30 seconds later got off.. guess he didn't really want an answer. i didn't really tell him when he dropped me off i just said i wanted to be dropped off at the hill at the top of frankolsen and he said he could take me home.. but i said i wanted to walk. so he stopped and let me off.. i was about to bawl then, but i didn't let it out until after he drove off.. then i called zach and tried to compose myself, not really working. so yeah.
well, that is all. until i think of more to talk about.
1 braved it |
i dare ya. |
::
2004 9 July :: 2.01 pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: watchin tv
just another update
hiiya! felt like it's been awhile since i updated so i'm doing so now.
The Fourth turned out not too bad, we went and drove around looking at fireworks and caught the last bit of the show @ the fairgrounds. All in all i didn't do shit, but that's alright.
I talked to Austin that night. What a joke. He kept dropping though bullshit lines like.. oo i miss you.. i miss all the times we had and when i could hold you in my arms.. you were the best girlfriend i ever had.. yada yada. you get the picture i'm sure. Yeah. DEFinitely didn't mean it. Not one bit. I'm sick of guys acting like they care, but really.. THEy DONt. i'm fucking sick of it. It's like they have one good day out of the week and then the next day it feels like they're just bullshittin ya. i'm sick of it.
o well. life goes on i guess.
fuckin bastards.
1 braved it |
i dare ya. |
::
2004 4 July :: 9.37 pm
:: Mood: alright
:: Music: nadda
FouRtH OoO JuLY
Yep. It's definitely the 4th. & i am DEFiNiTELY sittin at home as well. it basically feels like another boring night, except dead. a lot of places are closed + everybody is outta town. it's creepy!
i got screwed over by not making plans with anybody.. but that's alright. it woulda been fun to do something though. i wanted to do something with zach, but i knew that i wouldn't. and i'm not. i tried calling him earlier today around 1 maybe.. but he didn't answer and then i called him around 630 i think, but he didn't answer then either. oh well. punkass Ü
i worked today too.. from 3-6.. we got time and a half today so i got paid for 5.5 hours. right on.
blah. i'm bummed.. raaaaaahh, we don't even have any fireworks! not even bottle rockets.
k wellll whatever.. see ya
i dare ya. |
::
2004 29 June :: 11.37 pm
hahaha
i dare ya. |
|
