my walls are closing in..
geh. bleh. apachahcha ngyea. i think ive had a relapse of the whole depression thing. i dunno.. i havent been able to really do anything for 2 or 3 weeks but sit in this house. its turning into a prison. i have a week left.... but i am going completely insane. i cant stand sitting here doing nothing and knowing that theres nothing i can do about it. but as each day goes by.. it gets worse and worse. i neverrealized how incapable i am of staying home for a long period of time. i always gotta be doing something.. which lately i cant keep busy.. so yea. not in the happiest of moods. and theres some things that i should be in control of but i havent been lately.. feeling helpless.. gah. its not really like an issue with a person or friends.. its just this fuckin house. it gets smaller everyday and i cant get out. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHH!! okay im dont ranting now. im gonna go watch 2gether (best movie ever)
i know my calculus... it says u+me=us. heh.

there's a place inside my mind.. a place you'll never find.....
change is inevitable. people choose different paths... but theres no getting around it. people change. shit happens. people grow. some take longer than others. some will seemingly never change. but they do. and just when you become comfortable with the way your lifeis going.. everything can change just like that. and it forces you to find new strength. constantly evolving.. changing, growing, altering, fixing, accomodating... no one is ever perfect. but we get closer every day.

65 cent!!!
^^ lmao.
lets see.. recap of the weekend...
friday: i had my lil shindig.. and it took forever to find you people.. i walked to the park and back like 3 times and no one. lol. then we finally got together and waited for sam.. then we went swimming. later.. pizza. yummy yummy. and when ppl started to leave liz and i had a long conversation.. a good one tho. :) lol
yesterday was the gc/nfg show. i spent half the day beforehand trying to figure out rides.. then the other half getting ready. then we finally got there and i got my shirt :) hmm.. we wen inside and stood there... and we looked in our section to see what our view was like.. it was awesome. then while hrc was on jessie HAD to go get french fries so i had to take the child. but thats when we saw the grey man like 3 times! heh. then gc. theywere awesome. i was jumping on BOTH my feet. lol. now it hurts actually but it was worth it. then we all went out to get drinks which took forever.. and our plan that everyone would run away when nfg came on failed. so we still had to wait. finally.. we got back out there and nfg was awesome. 65 cent! lol that was funny. and jessie flirted w/ the brown man! damn her! geh.. lol. fun fun night.
today i plan on sleeping/eating. my 2 favorite things! lol. if my foot is okay... kickboxing tomorrow? geez i havent gone in like 3 or 4 weeks. ok well i shall go now.. toodles

lalala
im watching that mtv icon thing and avril did a tribute to metallica.. um.. interesting. today was pretty good... i found out i dont go for m followup until the 15th.. so i dunno what that means for the concert. Friday, tho, the shin-dig is on. My house, around 10 i guess cause i gotta go to the dentist at 2. Bus pees welcome.. lol. Just lemme know in the morning (or afternoon) if ya are coming. umm.. anywho the bus ride was funny. dan was sleeping so me n sam were gonna put blush on him but then i thought that was too mean so i took it off and i just wanted to see his reaction when he was tickled with the brush. well he woke up and i hid it behind my back quickly then he spent quite a while trying to figure out what it was. interesting... lol. oh when rich got off the bus we saw him pull up his fly... bad kiddies! geez what did u and celine do in that seat? lol. farrah!! if u are by any chance reading this... i asked my mom to take me to the store and she was like "No, at 8. Tonight Gata Salvaje is ending." I was like WHAT!! i dont believe you!!! U SAY THAT EVERY NIGHT! lol. spanish moms.. sheesh. lol. well anywho.. im gonna go and do my homework. oh! i found my geometry book. yayness. see yas!

so am i still waiting....
lalala i am in such a weird mood. cripple life sucks :( everyone thinks that crutches are all fun and shit... but when u gotta walk across the school like 5 times a day in em.. they get old. i need to bring a note tomorrow for miss "go and fall down the stairs" lol. im seeing the light at the end of the unnel with my whole depression spell. maybe ive just been to tired/busy to think about things lately.. but ive definetely been feeling a lot better and a lot more social. told ya guys i would recover.lol. umm... oh i got my alloy catalog today.... so many cute things... i want the whole catalog! lol. yea right like thats gonna happen... oh also.. id better heal my damn foot by saturday cause that would suck major ass if i couldnt go cause i hurt my footsie. *sigh* we'll see... thats about it for now... as sunil would say "Pickles? I'm huungry"
peace out "freaks!" "keep it at the circus" lmao natalia

why not?
jackie wants ya'll to know that she drew first blood.... k......
umm today we went to the movies to see that movie that everyone wants to see but woint admit it... and it was just so annoying i casnt find the words... i wasnt too dissappointed tho cause i went in with such low expectations ... the damn lil kids were all like "ewww!!!!" when they kissed... it was like... ok? grow up.. crutches suck major, theyre tiring after a while. i hate hobbling along! oh well.. at leats im not broken so it wont take that long to heal..
this week ive been too tired/busy to think about anything so i havent been engulfed in mky problems as usual... its been a nice break. maybe if i dont sleep at all i will be so tired ill forget about it all! heh. jackie is dying for ya'll to know that im at her house. there. i said it. woohoo... i shall go now and steal her candy cause im a cripple and i can :)

gahness!
holas... today was eaglette tryouts... interesting. well i didnt have shoes w/ me so i did it barefoot, so my feet got all nastified, then they taught the routine way too fast so i was lost like to whole time. lol but after practicing at home i got it.. my calves already hurt. imagine tomorrow! and then on thursday i gotta do that run thing... fuck. this will be a very painful week. lol umm i gotta do that damn research project. gah! anyone wanna do it for me? eh.. this sucks. okay well i should go work on my hw.. see ya
oh wait!! what i learned:never... ever... under any circumstnce go in the dance room barefoot. it just shouldn't be done. also, people change, but not always completely.

this type of modern life.. is it for me?
came across a good poem... its called futility (our favorite subject, aintit?)


Oh, I have tried to laugh the pain away,
Let new flames brush my love-springs like a feather.
But the old fever seizes me to-day,
As sickness grips a soul in wretched weather.
I have given up myself to every urge,
With not a care of precious powers spent,
Have bared my body to the strangest scourge,
To soothe and deaden my heart's unhealing rent.
But you have torn a nerve out of my frame,
A gut that no physician can replace,
And reft my life of happiness and aim.
Oh what new purpose shall I now embrace?
What substance hold, what lovely form pursue,
When my thought burns through everything to you?

my thoughts exactly.. hmm.. well i tried working on my research paper.. didnt work out too well. tomorrow im goin to eaglettes tryouts w/ lizzy.. should be interesting. i went to d&b w/ J A C K I E on friday.. fun stuff. happy bday! umm my brother came home.. kinda happy about that.. my parents were starting to drive me insane. i wish i was at olympic heights tomorrow... theyre having a walk out in protest of the budget cuts.. good for them.
im gonna start a lil 'what i learned' corner of my journal.. lol here goes..
i learned that procrastination REALLY REALLY REALLY does suck. NOT the smart choice... and if ya'll are already chronic procrastinators then maybe i cant change ur mind.. but i learned my lesson this weekend witht he damn research project. alrighty.. time to go kids.. hasta

you're just a dream....
gah! bacon is so unruly.... i cannot for the life of me make it w/o it being burnt/shriveled up.
today was okay.. ashley and andrea are kinda in a fight type thing.. we all knew it would happen, it was just a matter of time. and i dunno.. part of me says too bad.. she deserves it. but then the other part feels bad for her.. because i know what that feels like. so ive decided to try and be friendlier to her because she was my friend way back when, and i am a better person than to just say "i told you so".
ive started to write alot.. in my journal and i write poems n stuff.. it really helps he to sort out my thoughts and get them out somewhere so im not thinking about it so much. (thanks celine)
oh yea she bitched at me in math... i wasnt even talking to her when i sed it but she was pissed for whatever reason and then sameen too cause he couldnt take a joke so i kinda mumbled to myself that now i have 2 ppl in my row pissed at me and she turned around and bitched me out.... uhh thanks? i understand that u were in a mood and that i might have instigated it but that wasnt quite necessary and a sorry would help. its all good though, i dont hold grudges over things like that...
im starting to see why i tend to keep to myself... because when i do open up i am either judged or rejected.. and each time it gets harder and harder for me to want to take the risk of opening up to someone.. for fear of it happening again. today ive really learned what futility is... because even though you know that you will get hurt in a situation.. you cant help but get deeper into it. some people are just like a pill, you know what they can do to you but you'll risk that for a few moments of happiness. eh what the hell am i talking about. im gonna go eat

look deeper..
gah its been a while... not too much has happened.. i did a lot of thinking today. after reading celini's song i was feeling expressive so a wrote a poem-type thing.. its good to get my feelings out there. i finally let the girl read it... she liked it. that's cool.. lets just say it was about how im misunderstood... and i get upset when ppl say they know exactly how i feel yet they turn around and act different.. like the words dont match the actions. lately ive been feeling distance b/w myself and sam n christine. i dunno what it is but seems like theyre mad at me for something... or i dunno.. w/e. in other news.. the bus ride was really good today.. :) (lol liz) tomorrow's a half day... good. maybe u guys can come over and go swimming or somethin. tonite; kickboxing. i need to get my mind to stop thinking for at least 45 min... lol. okies adios.