upchuck
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2005 26 January :: 7.48pm
I'm all about it now. I don't want to be that sad boy in the corner and more. To quote Gretchen Wilson "I'm gonna get me some."
I'm not sure how, or where, or from who, but I will. Eventually. I think. Hopefully. Okay. That's it.
I really love you.
Yes, yes I do. I'd do just about anything for you.
Yes, you.
No, not you. You.
Got that. I'll meet you out behind the barn at midnight okay??
No, not that barn, the other barn.
Okay, I'll wear somethin' sexy for you. You know what I'm talkin' about. Yep, that's it. That's the way I like it.
Wait, why am I telling you all this. You'll be there if you're ready. Okay. That's it.
Seriously, stop reading this.
Now
I really mean it.
I still love you.
Bye.
Well, aren't you going to leave.
Fine, I'll leave first.
Ha, I was just joking.
Okay, I'm really going to leave.
_______I'm gone____________
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Upchuck
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2005 25 January :: 10.40am
So I don't know what to do anymore. I woke up at 3:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. I thought and I cried. Last night was difficult. Work seems to be getting the better of me. Finally I began thinking of Friday night when I was talking to Dani. About thinking about things and not being able to wrap your mind around them. And I was calm. I stopped crying, I stopped thinking about how much I hate myself and what I have done wrong. It was like God was telling me that I don't have to understand, that it's okay. That I will never understand His love, but His love will always be there. Then I fell asleep around 4:30am. Then i woke up at 6:30am and it started all over again. I got up and I cried. I called work, got bitched out, hung up and I cried. I went to see Mr. Smith, only he didn't know about Adam, so I told him. I left there and I cried. Right now I feel like crying. I don't know what is wrong with me. I could bust out of this shell and be me. The wierd me, the one that many of you know. The one that notices the three hot chicks sitting next to me. The one that notices that white G-string the blonde is wearing. But there is nothing there. No way to make that humorous or even slightly intriguing to me. And that is that.
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upchuck
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2005 23 January :: 1.24am
So I finally did it. At 6:00am this morning I called Kim. Yeah, I know, it may seem kind of wierd, but that's probably the only time that I could say what I had to say to her that she would actually listen and not blow me off. I told her about how even though I am so pissed at her right now that when I tell someone I love them I mean it. I may be pissed at her, but I still care. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I didn't need to do that for our relationship, but I needed to do it for me. But then she had to go and screw it up. She left me a note at work saying that "what you talked about works both ways." WTF? What is that supposed to mean? I don't know, and I'm not about to ask. It was hard enough swallowing my pride to call her this morning. The whole situation just pisses me off, but you all know that and it's time that I just stop and get over it.
On another note, it was hard to hear that. After spending time with them, and not knowing him personally it's hard. I know his brother and his sister pretty well. You just have to ask yourself what has to drive someone to kill themselves. So, to echo the sentiments I heard on another journal, Rest In Peace Adam. May God watch over you and your family and give them peace and wisdom.
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jedibumblebee
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2005 22 January :: 6.40pm
rraaaaaaaaawwr.
i need to breathe.
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jedibumblebee
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2005 21 January :: 9.38pm
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upchuck
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2005 19 January :: 4.56pm
Idiots, that's all I've got to say. Why is my journal time on central standard, I don't know.
Stupid people on mlive talkin' about what happened in DC. This one chick was like "she should find a good American boy." How racist. I'm sorry but until America starts to realize that we all have a stake in this country and stop demean other people, we will go nowhere.
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Upchuck
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2005 18 January :: 6.37pm
This is a Charlie news update:
I know who the man is that is threatening to blow up a bomb near the White House. I'm sure most of you that are reading this know him to, or at least his relations. I am not at liberty to say who it is yet. Follow this journal throughout the night for further updates.
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upchuck
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2005 18 January :: 1.59pm
I feel old now. There are people on Woohu who didn't exist in the 1980's. That is scary. How long will it be before some of us long time users can be considered "old" timers.
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upchuck
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2005 18 January :: 1.49pm
So, I've gotten back to being myself. I'm not all pissed off all the time anymore, although I have been slightly depressed lately, because of some pretty depressing news.
Talked with Brianna last night. It was good, what I needed. I did come realize that I have many more close Christian friends than I had realized, and that made things feel better.
Relationship wise, I am searching. The problem is that between Shari and Kim I really wasn't seeking a relationship. Sure, I was lonely and perhaps I would have liked to have had someone, but it wasn't something I was actively seeking. Well, at least not until Connie came along and changed all that. But now, I don't need anymore time to get over this. Yes, it was shorter, I am still mad, but the depth isn't there because there isn't anything I need to wrestle with in my own conscience. Which I guess is a good thing. I'm just afraid that by searching, I am going to end up with the wrong girl. That my wants and needs will supercede God's will for me. It's a difficult conundrum.
Ashley was right all along when she said that I needed to turn my focus back to God. It's just at that point I was being stubborn. I didn't want to. I don't know how I felt, perhaps almost injured by Him. But not anymore.
Things get clearer everyday. I see that things aren't going to work out for me in some respects. I'm already preparing my options because I don't think that this is going to last much longer. It's taking a toll on me, plus I'm still only 20, will be 21 in June. I haven't seen enough to be tied down. Plus there are things that I want to do, that maintaining the these things won't let me do when the time comes.
So there is a quick update. time to hop the bus downtown so I can go home.
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upchuck
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2005 18 January :: 1.37pm
Why is it that so many people have so many problems? There are so many nasty things to get involved in. I just feel like us humans aren't much different than a herd of buffalo, except dumber. We start to stampede, running, who knows where. Then we reach a cliff and most of us just keep running and end up falling off that cliff. No matter what it might be, drugs, alcohol, sex, we just keep running, like it's all going to be okay. But the rest of us, the few that don't fall over the edge, we are the smarter ones. The ones that said, "No we will not let ourselves die mindlessly." We would rather face our fears and our insecurities than running from them and destroying ourselves in the process.
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upchuck
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2005 17 January :: 12.31am
When you find something out that has already happened, why do you always think of a way to make up for it now?
So I found somethings out tonight. Things that border on the edge of me losing this precious balance of contentment that I hold. Things that would actually cause me to cry myself to sleep.
I don't know if they don't understand this about me, or that I'm just part of a bigger world which tells them the way I feel is not possible. When I tell someone that I love them I mean that.
My love knows no bounds, and it's not conditional. That's why I fought it for so long the first time. Because of what I knew it would mean. But they don't understand. They don't understand the depth, the connection. There is very little that I wouldn't do for either of them if they asked. These tears sting.
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danibean
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2005 13 January :: 9.55pm
:: Mood: discontent
so this is a public appoligy to james golden and anyone who was offended by the comments left to his journal. apparently, my journal was hacked into or someone knows my password and left those comments on your journal, james. i don't know who it was, and i really don't care. i'd like to say i'm sorry for whoever did that because they totally suck. i would never want to say anything to hurt your feelings. just as you said, you have never done anything to me so why would i do such a thing? i actually didn't even know that this was going on until liz artecki told me in 5th hour that i should check it out. i was almost to tears when i read what someone had wrote under my name. anyways, i wish this never happened. i'm just glad i caught it in time to do something about it. again, i'm so sorry this happened and i'm going to get my password changed so hopefully this will never happen again.
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crazygirl
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2005 10 January :: 4.39pm
umm. i broke up with my new beau.
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danibean
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2005 10 January :: 2.14pm
:: Mood: bouncy
at school
so mr. robuck never showed up today for class. i don't blame him though. i didn't show up either. but i always skip the middle school. ha! oh well. now i'm just sitting around chatting with jacque and writing. WOO!! i got a part in the musical! i'm so happy. i'm the mother. i have a name this time...haha... Mrs. Lottie Child. how cute. she's a bitch though. my character lives and new york and i'm rich too. sounds fun huh? i had such an awesome weekend. sara (my cousin) and her friend jen came over and so did jenna. we had a dance party at 4 am and didn't go to bed til 5:30. that's the latest i've stayed up in a long time. it was such a BLAST!! WOO! PARTY! so i have musical practice this week and i get to babysit for mr. carr on wednesday. i love his kids to death. they are the BEST!!!!!!! and sooooooooooooo cute!! anyways....things are going great!!! lots of love! :)
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upchuck
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2005 10 January :: 11.28am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "Do You Fell Like We Do?" Peter Frampton
The New Year, New School
Well I just got out of my softball coaching theory class. It seems like it will be pretty easy. There are only like 8 guys and 20 girls though. That's to be expected. I feel like I have an advantage because I've learned so much already. He talked about throwing technique and knowing the rules. Well, I'm a rules expert and we've only been focusing on throwing technique for the last three years, so I think I will be in pretty good shape.
On another note, I'm glad to be getting back to school. Finally I have something else to think about besides the largely depressingly insane, hate filled foggy haze I've been ever since I found out that she was seeing someone else. I'm also looking forward to it because I'm tired of being propositioned by girls that, yes, if I were desparate I would do something about, but I'm not that desparate, yet.
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