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:: 2004 2 June :: 11.58pm

$725 out of pocket so some jackass and yank out my teeth. my insurance covered $850. thank god i have money saved up.. but geez. of all the things i could buy with $725, i'm gonna buy me some surgery.

less than two weeks now.

Upchuck

:: 2004 2 June :: 9.58pm
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: "I Need You" Jars of Clay

Well this is getting really pathetic
I don't think I've updated this much since I was in high school.

The more and more I think about it the more it becomes true. Somt of those people who I know who profess faith really do not feel it. I have to admit, I was. I didn't have some great revelation where all the sudden everything was clear and I could feel God's love, but I do know it's there. That's what I really wonder about sometime. Do you really feel it? Do you know it's there? It's almost to the point where it's infathomable to me to not know. Or how to live without it.

I'm playing at Festival in GR this weekend. Hopefully everything works out well. Last time I was up on stage, my stage presence was next to nothing. I was so focused on not screwing up that I didn't enjoy myself. Now I know I will. There are just some things that you have to keep focused on, then tere are other times where you just have to constantly do until you feel comfortable doing them. I think being on stage is one of those. Of course probably sex is as well.

I'm looking two ways at this summer. I think it's giong to be a great summer and I will learn alot about myself. Life never stays the same and I think it's time for me to move on with certain things. I think my job has got me to a certain point where there is nothing that could possibly change my mind on leaving. I've been there for two and a half years and everyday I hate going there. Not just because of what the job is. There are times where I actually enjoy my job. The only thing that keeps it interesting anymore is the people I work with, but not even that. Now I'm getting to the point where I feel like a relic. When we hired people this spring they seemed to have some semblence of respect for people who had been there longer, but this new group does not. There's also nothing new for me to learn. It's a duality that has always made me mad. I know enough to be a manager, but a retarded person could get hired and still have exactly the same status as I do on paper. When they don't need a good person because other good people are working, they treat you like crap, just to put you into your place. Just to remind you that you could be replaced at a moments notice. I don't know. I am very convinced that this time I really am burnt out.

Good advice that I heard once at the end of the song, but it strikes good for everything in life, and that is "end on the hopeful note" so I will do that.

I am okay with being alone. Tomorrow is another day. Hell, two years without piqueing a girls interest, then I find out about two in one day. For the last month, nothing can get better than that, until the next best thing comes along.

Upchuck

:: 2004 2 June :: 11.30am
:: Mood: planning

Baseball
Well, given my enjoyment of baseball, and my seeming want to enjoy the company of others, I would like to plan a baseball get together. I was planning on taking a trip to Detriot this summer to watch the Tigers, now that they are actually good. I am, however, hesitant to drive to the most crime riddled city in the nation by myself.

I am openly inviting any of my friends who wish to be included in this venture. it could be on a weekend, or not. We could spend the night or not. The only requirments are that you have to be my friend, well not really, and you have to have money. Right now the most probable date looks like June 26 or 27. Night game followed by a day game. I have room in my car for three, or possibly four people. The gas trip is free because I was planning on making the trek anyways. So leave a comment here if you are interested.

Upchuck

:: 2004 2 June :: 10.20am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "American Girls" Counting Crows

Life is like a box of chocolate, you always know your going to get chocolate
Thank you to the two of you here that seemed to either understand that yesterday was my birthday, or remembered it. I spent so much time talking about it in the last few weeks that I really thought she might call yesterday, but she didn't.

All I have to do is change my expectations. All of the sudden I have to change what I was expected. Now I'm disappointed that I'm not coming back to someone. I wasn't before, but now it's weird. It's about changing expectations. Now to know that there is not much to look forward to until August.......

In times like these I guess that there is only one thing to do and that is to look inward. Look on the inside and figure out how to improve me. How to improve who I am, what I think, what my mental state is, what my physical nature is. It is now time to improve me.

Which led me to take a walk last night. Just two miles, to the end of my road and back. While I figured I would get some exercise I did not realize what an enjoyable, nature realted and spiritual journey it would be. To most people a walk is a walk and they would not have noticed the things that I did, or maybe they would. They may, however, not have an appreciation for it. Total animals sighted comes to seven deer, five rabbits, two woodchucks, and a squirrel. The funny thing is that when I was coming back I was praying. I was asking God why I didn't feel His embrace. I feel His love constantly, but not his embrace. Then I looked down the road, and there was the first deer.

Some little yappy dog tried to attack me too. I yelled at it, and I was not scared in the slightest because with one kick I was fairly confident I could dispose of it.

crazygirl

:: 2004 1 June :: 8.11pm

it's quite possible i may be needing a new roommate soon. i could afford my place on my own, but i don't really want to. we'll see how things go. there's a job i'm not supposed to know about that will be opening up in a couple months, and i have some very good people pushing for me to get it. if i get it, i could easily afford the apartment on my own and with only 1 job. though, i'm not sure i'd want to give up oberweis. my poor boss.

i hate not knowing what's going to happen, and at the same time, it's kind of exciting. i couldn't make my next dentist appointment cuz i can't even guess what my schedule will be like in 6 months. so i suppose when you factor in that, it's annoying too. annoying and exciting. geez.

Upchuck

:: 2004 1 June :: 10.36am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Forever Young" - Rod Stewart

Birthday
Well everyone, I have now hit one more transition into adulthood. I am no longer a teenager, a fact that I have been dreading for weeks.

Twenty Years old is nothing special really. It just changes your frame of mind. Mostly because you can't use the excuse that you are just a dumb teenager anymore (despite the fact that I don't think I ever was). I just have to remember to contemplate the next year, and reflect on the previous, and not try to focus on an entire decade of my life. I can't say that it's amazing that I have made it to this point in my life. I have never been in a dangerous situation where my life was in peril. I still have not mastered the English language. I mean I write decent, but all the rest is just a mystery.

I've spent approximately one year of that decade in a relationship with a girl. Seems odd that when for 7.5 years of such a decade one spends absolutely enthralled by the opposite sex, wasting time and energy, that very little has come out of it.

That time has been one of other incredible growth though. In faith, intellect, and sheer personality. Well, truly most of that has come in the last five years, much of it in the last two, but it's a process.

I'd like to thank all of you who were out there for that crucial time in my life. Everything that you have contributed to who I am. Everyday should be a learning experience, and while I've always been very thick headed about learning lessons from others you all have taught me a great deal. For those of you who are about to effect my life in ways I have never dreamed of, be tolerant with me. I am a little slow and a lot stubborn. Be honest wiht me and realize that we all only get a chance to live life once, and I want the most out of it.

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danibean

:: 2004 31 May :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: tired

hey...i took this from jessi hazen's journal because i really liked the idea. i hope you don't mind jess!! anyways, it'll help me sum up the year a little and yeah...
HIGHLIGHTS OF MY JUNIOR YEAR

Hardest Class: Chemistry

Easiest Class: Either AP Stats or English

Funnest Class: Band or History with Nork-Dogg

Best Teacher: Nork-Dogg all the way!!!

Worse Teacher: Andrus or Eilola (when she's being dumb)

Best Grade: History

Worse Grade: Chemistry!

Broing/Fun lunch: Lunch rocked...we had soooooo many people at our table..it's always fun

Detentions: just 1, but i got out of it :)

Best Game: The Crossover game against Wyoming Park...wooo...that was awesome!

Worse Game: The District game against Tri-County, we beat them by like 40 points, it was so boring...and i felt bad for Phillip

Funnest Dance: PROM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Newest Friend: Justin and Chad or Phillip

Oldest Friend: Jenna Pie

Favorite Memory: Ummmm.... The Red Flannel Pageant when they called my name to be on court :)

Embarissing Memory: Uhh...when i spilled dressing on my pants at lunch or when i had major Code-C riding on the keystone cops car on red flannel day!

Worse Memory: When i found out jason had a girlfriend...:(

Best School Meal: Chicken stir fry or wet burritos!! mmmm

Worse School Meal: Oh gosh, the list goes on and on and on...the absolute worst is probably...chicken strips, if you can call them that

Best Descion: To give everything to God...no matter what, give Him all my problems, worries, and dreams

Biggest Regret: Messing crap up with Joel...i miss him

Biggest Concern: Right now, at this moment, if i will have to take the Stat's exam or not...

Smallest Concern: I don't know..

Friend you wish you still had: BEANS

Friend that you are glad you dont have: Ross Huber.......ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Spring Break/Winter Break: Spring Break = Pensacola Beach, FL with Kale, Winter Break = Family from Tennessee here, band camp sleepover, fun stuff

Best boyfriend/girlfriend: HA!

Worse boyfriend/girlfriend: HA!

Biggest Fight: Beans i guess, if you call it a fight...

What was it about: Dumb stuff.

Coolest Trend: TRUCKER HATS!

Dumbest Trend: really short skirts that when you walk, your butt cheeks hang out...ewww... no one wants to see that

Good/Bad Year: Great year!

Rate it 1-10 (10 best): 8 or 9 actually...i had a lot of fun this year :)

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plainmornings

:: 2004 31 May :: 2.58pm

its funny how time and time again everything repeats itself.

i leave August 17th.

i still feel as if there are some holes that need patching up. things shouldn't ever be left this long unresolved... really, thats how you lose the people that you care about the most.

to end an old life, to start a new.

jedibumblebee

:: 2004 31 May :: 6.42am

Stupid internet cafe closed my windoww before i was done with teh last entry...

anyway, venice was interesting...the transportation really sucks though.

i will miss italy and being able to drink a liter of wine with lunch.

france is so so. i saw the eiffel tower, and the mona lisa. so i'm ready to come home.

on my last entry i lied, i actually come home the nnight of the third. thursday. maybe i'll see ssome of ya.

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crazygirl

:: 2004 30 May :: 5.11am

i've made a new promise to myself.

i will never, ever regret standing up for something i full-heartedly believe in, and i will never let anyone make me feel sorry for it.

it may be the absolute end, and he may never speak to me again. but i wasn't the only one that was worried about him tonight, but i was the first one to try to stop him from getting in the car. if he's going to believe that i stopped him for selfish reasons, then damn him. damn him if he can't see that i was purely 100% worried about his safety, and damn him if he's going to hold it against me that i tried all i could to keep him from drinking and driving. damn him for trying to make me feel guilty about it.

i've had enough. i'm tired.

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infinite

:: 2004 29 May :: 6.01pm

Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: the smashing pumpkins
Are you male or female: Where Boys Fear to Tread
Describe yourself: Zero
How do some people feel about you: Behold! The Night Mare
How do you feel about yourself: Ugly
Describe your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend: Fuck You (An Ode to No One)
Describe where you want to be: 1979
Describe what you want to be: Heavy Metal Machine
Describe how you live: In the Arms of Sleep
Describe how you love: Sweet Sweet
Share a few words of wisdom: We Only Come Out at Night

Upchuck

:: 2004 29 May :: 10.44am
:: Mood: still pissed off
:: Music: "Whiskey Girl" Toby Keith

When one little kiss means so little; the absence is a portend of things to come
So I successfully accomplished my goal. I collapsed in my bed and cried myself to sleep. Unfortunately I wake up this morning expecting myself to feel a little better, but I'm still almost as pissed off as I have been for the past five days now.

I find myself getting pissed for a myriad of reasons. Some have to do with her, some with others, and some with myself. Although, not normal for me, I really don't feel that down on myself. I mean there's always the obligatory, "What could I have done better?" But I'm not sure that that really applies in this situation. I should have been more aggressive. Perhaps, I don't know. Again, I lose because I can't relax and have fun. Story of my life huh? Why I can't do that is beyond me. In certain situations I can, but other times I can't and it really bugs me. Something to work on I guess. I need to work on partying.

I've already said his name, so what the hell. Darren really pissed me off because of what was going on. It was very obvious to everyone that he liked her. It's very obvious she liked him. I don't have a problem with that, except for the fact he's a loser, he was all over her when we were still together, and she did nothing, absolutely nothing to stop it. I just wished she hadn't wasted this last week by not talking to me.

I guess that's what I'm really the most pissed about. I had to wait almost a week for her to figure out what she was going to say to me when I knew what was coming. Almost a whole week of being so tired and pissed that I couldn't see straight.

Usually when people go through something like this they swear off the opposite sex. Well I'm not. I think each situation is unique in it's own way. It's taken me a while to come to that conclusion. Sure I'm being pissed now and depressed, but unlike other times in my life I know it's all going to be okay. Eventually it will be okay. Nevermind that I've liked her for almost 6 months and something I'd been hoping for almost came true. There's go to be another meaning behind all of this and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it escape me this time.

Last time, it took me almost two year to recover. Even now, I'm not completely. Not to say I'd be back together again, but it took me awhile and I think there will always be a place there for you. In some ways, and it is hard for even me to believe, she's more screwed up than you are/were. Not as an insult or anything.

So I leave you now with a song title from Gilbert O'Sullivan "Alone Again, Naturally."

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Upchuck

:: 2004 29 May :: 12.45am
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Blurry" - Puddle of Mudd

Four days of this; Now I feel better
Life just sucks sometimes.

I'm alone again. Long story short, well neither really. It is a nor a long or short story. No story really. I suppose there will be one over the next few days as I try to hash out my emotions here, but eventually it should all get told.

I have to apologize to Connie first. Dear, I'm sorry. I made the wrong decision. While I didn't see what I saw with her, I'm sorry it happened the way it did. Hindsight is 20/20. Do I regret it? Not really, but I'm sorry how I handled the situation.

I'm very tired and very pissed. I got so pissed over the past four days that I forgot why I was pissed. I remembered that I was, and who at, just not why. Then I thought, oh good, I don't remember, maybe everything will be okay. Nope. Walked in tonight and it was the same old shit. Oh well, fuck it. I swear, if Darren hadn't been drunk I so would have hit him tonight. He's a nice guy, but he was messing around with her before we talked. That is fucked up, you don't mess with that. I'm sorry.

Well, I'm going to go ball my eyes out now and sleep. Two things that I've felt like doing for days. Have a nice night.

crazygirl

:: 2004 28 May :: 3.26am

so, as a serious question that's actually to be contemplated, what is the point of living?

i'm not being whiny, or depressing, or self-pitying. i really, sincerely just want to know what people think about this.

let's say i favor death, and we're debating about it. what backs up your argument?

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crazygirl

:: 2004 27 May :: 2.03pm

so, i had been planning on "throwing in the towel" at my second job.. but after today's meeting, i don't think thats going to be happening. geri successfully talked me out of it.. and it wasn't just a guilt trip. things are gonna be okay. i need to work on myself some more before i rule out that oberweis is doing it to me.