I hate this... this whole Christmas Dance thing is a pile of shit.... Not the whole dance and arrangements... It's the girls.

I'm going with Leah, and even though we decided to go as friends, ever since a few days after I asked her, a problem arose inside of me. My feelings for her grew, and I'm stuck going with a girl I really like, (who doesn't care for me as anything more than someone to pay for her dinner before the dance) and I have no friends to turn to. Plus, I have another girl flirting with me, who I kind of like who everyone thinks I should go with, but I don't want to go with, and Katie, who 40% of the school thinks that i AM taking...

The simple breakdown:

-1 girl, going with me, who I have unrequitted feelings for.
-1 girl, I'm not fully sure I like, who is flirting with me, who I don't want to take.
-1 girl, who I am definitely NOT taking, but 40% of the school (and some of my friends) think I am taking, so those friends are useless to talk to because they are out of the loop
-Plus, The whole Kailey thing was happening during all of this, so I was all messed up about that at the same time as the whole Leah/Autumn thing.
-1 boy, with loads of inner turmoil, no friends to turn to, pissed, angry, confused, complacent, sad, rejected, sore, and unsatisfied, all at once.

None of my friends will listen to me. The ones with their dates are in a picture-perfect world, without a care in the world, and instead of hearing me out, they give me hypotheticals, say I'm acting stupid, or say "Go with Autumn..." I explain my predicament about going with a girl who I like who doesn't like me, and how much it hurts, but nobody gives a damn.

---------------------------------------------
peekaboo2488: u guys are just going as friends
peekaboo2488: its supposed to be fun
peekaboo2488: stop ruining it
RandomPerson1110: no, that's not what it is from my perspective
peekaboo2488: ur making it into some big deal and its making u look stupid
RandomPerson1110: it's me asking leah as a friend, but starting to like more day by day... now i really really like her, she doesn't like me, i'm stuck going to the dance with her
RandomPerson1110: get it ?

peekaboo2488: but u cant blame that on anyone
RandomPerson1110: i'm not
peekaboo2488: yeah ur getting pissed cuz some people are trying to do something in leahs benefit
RandomPerson1110: huh?
peekaboo2488: forget it
RandomPerson1110: what do you mean?
peekaboo2488: nothing
RandomPerson1110: look, i'm really confused, angry, sad, and in the dark right now
RandomPerson1110: i wish someone would open up and tell me something
peekaboo2488: thats not my fault
RandomPerson1110: i;m not saying it's your fault
peekaboo2488: im not going to break a promise just so u can feel better
peekaboo2488: but dont ruin this christmas dance thing, its supposed to be fun
RandomPerson1110: if i'm ruining everyone's christmas dance, then why doesn't leah just not go with me
peekaboo2488: because u want to go with her
RandomPerson1110: so she doesn't want to go with me... but is just going with me to be nice
peekaboo2488: shes going because u asked her and she said yes


Peekaboo is natalie... one of my best friends.
That part where she says something about people doing "something for Leah's benefit"... yeah, I forgot to mention it... They're withholding stuff from me.... Which makes me 1) suspicious 2) unimportant 3) like I'm not wanted... and it only makes me think that I'm wasting my time going with her



I feel a bit of optimism coming through in my head as I'm writing this sentence, like I should buck up, make this whole thing fun, and forget everything... Maybe it's cause I vented here (none of my friends wanted to help me with that) and I wrote out what I felt. Maybe it's my carefree, "screw everyone and everything. It all amounts to nothing in the end" side coming through....



But now, as I'm writing this, it's gone again. It comes and goes...I want to go and do something, or curl into a ball and stay in the dark in the basement all day... one or the other. Damn, I'm so conflicted and screwed up.

"Pain hath no greater form than unrequitted love for an iron maiden" ~Anonymous

This may end up sounding shallow. I sincerely can't express my frustration in the way I want to...

Why do I seem to attract the girls that I don't want to have to deal with? I mean Katie went crazy just because i said Hi to her when she was having a bad day, and that took well over a month to get it to the point she wasn't telling bad stories behind my back because i wouldn't go out with her. (Insecure, possible Bulemic... wouldn't doubt it) Then there's Megan... (insecure, possible abuse, always apologetic, highly likely depressed) She always tells me all of her problems, and I get sick of hearing these bad stories, because they're brought upon by herself. Plus, she refuses to fix her problems, like her inability to do what she wants (instead she acts the slave to what everyone thinks. Her philosophy is that she has to have everyone like her, so she must sumbit to their devious and degrading comments and be utterly demeaned to the lowest possible level). So, I get to hear about this nightly. She sent me a note saying she wanted to go back to "the way we were before" and admitted she knows she's insecure, etc. (she says that all the time but really doesn't come to grips with it) What she wants to go back to, I don't know. I'd love to go back to before she started telling me all of her problems, but I can't ignore these things, like her kind of being abused at home, her inability to come to grips with her problems, and her possible depression. Like I usually do, I easily find a song to fit my mood and situation. Today it's "Easier to Run" by Linkin Park.

"Just watching you sigh, all of the helplessness inside/ pretending I don't feel this waste, It's so much simpler then shame/ It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something more/It's easier to go then face all this pain, you, all alone."


I'm out.

Kailey... again
I talked to her online the other day, but it didn't accomplish much. It seems like she has no idea what is happening, or (more likely) she doesn't give a damn. It's really demeaning when she gets online and talks to me on her own time agenda, asks me what we needed to talk about (3 weeks after I first brought it up...), and then when I address it only a little at first she says in a sense that she hasn't noticed anything wrong. I'm seriously debating if I should cut all ties with her, because it's like she doesn't value me as anything more then answers for homework or filler between a conversation with one set of friends and her beating Mike.

I'm tempted to do just that. What we had as friends is gone. and when I want to have a frank discusssion with her about us as friends, she never has the time, doesn't want to... It's like I'm obselete. I know they say people change, but they also say you choke on your regrets. I regret her not caring more about us being such good friends.


And it hurts. Badly.

Yearbook's almost done, so I don't have much more to say.

10 reasons I had a good weeked (despite the Frosh/Soph dance)
1. Topo's Linguine & Clam Sauce

2. The Movie "This is Spinal Tap" frickin halarious.

3. The Eclipse was incredibly cool

4. Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux. Great Book.

5.Puffer is going to Nationals!!!

6. No Prednizone... Yet.

7. The Fury Game. We won, and the fight was halarious.

8. Purdue won over Iowa!!!!

9. If Purdue goes to a bowl game, I'm going!!! Pasadena-bound, baby!

10. The school's CD player is NOT (!!!!) broken! (Mr. Breed, you are the coolest man alive)

PG-13.

My life is rated PG-13.
What is your life rated?

Jami's had seizures... and she's in the hospital. Not good....




I also found out what Nikki has is like what I have... but she's got it much worse. I feel so sorry for her.

Illusion can be as deceptive as reality.

I am in Yearbook. Yay!
I am at a standstill in Yearbook right now without much to do. And my Colitis is killing me. Don't be surprised if I keel over and die any time soon. No, I'm serious.


I've been listening t a lot of classic songs lately, and I have decided to compile a list of some of the best songs ever written from the past few years... Not just current favorites or my favorites, but general consensus kind of songs that if everyone listened to they would have a general consensus that they are well written, have good lyrics, and are melodic and maybe catchy or experimental. I've come up with a few:

"Iris" ~ Goo Goo Dolls
"Fake Plastic Trees" ~ Radiohead
"The Scientist" ~ Coldplay
"Where is the Love" ~ Black Eyed Peas
"Beautiful Day" ~U2
"Kryptonite" ~ 3 Doors Down
"Paranoid Android" ~ Radiohead (Bohemian Rhapsody for today's electronic world.)
"Smells Like Teen Spirit" ~Nirvana
"Man Who Sold The World" ~Nirvana version


any other suggestions?

I'm making a running list.

Floodlight
I must beg to differ Scott, I think what I saw monday was pretty good. Sara and Jordan's act looked good, Andrea is great as usual, we've got 2 bands this year, and a few other acts I've seen on tape looked good. If this year is window-licking, last year was in Pat's words, "butt-licker"

Long Weekend
Well, i started out the long weekend fairly well for staying at home all night... I had to go to the dentist, went out to eat at Ala Carte on the way home (Austrian Cream Cheese soup, Chili, Coliflower and Crab... all good soups) and then went home, watched TV, fixed some problems with friends online, and played Skies of Arcadia (It's a great game Scott... rent it) for 3 hours. Total vegetation state all night, but I needed that. Today I'm bored, not doing anything as of yet, so call me or show up at my house if you want. Tomorrow's Jenison and Sunday is homework/take the boat out of the water. There's yelling between my mom and sister upstairs, so I'm going to try and sneak to my room so I avoid mother's wrath.