I'm really digging this volunteer stuff. she is so frickin awesome and I just adore her. she's so sweet and silly! I need to make her something asap!! she is ugh so cute!
and I feel so good, because I think I'm really gonna make a difference in this kids life, and it makes me feel validated as a human. I always wanted to have a big sister when I was growing up. I think my life would have turned out so differently, and now I have a chance to do it for someone else. paying it forward and showing all those judgmental d bags that just because I'm different I can't be a good role model!
maybe just doing this, and helping kids like her, maybe foster kids, idk, can fill that hole I feel for a child, without committing to it. who knows maybe I'll foster a kid that belongs to me, like kindred spirits, and that is what I should just aim for. either way I feel good about myself. win win.
I've been so happy lately. like I'm not super happy all the time but just in general I feel happy much more frequently. I laugh all the time, I smile when I'm alone. I sing to myself. I just smile like an asshole on sunny days with all my windows down and I just feel like the world is beautiful again. I feel hope for the future for the first time in forever.
I also have been trying to stop telling people what to do.. unless they ask for it. it is so hard not to own my friends problems, and I feel kinda like an asshole sometimes, but I feel a lot less guilty now, and I rarely overthink things. I just feel so at peace with myself.
it's been a good month. I can solidly say it was good. excellent maybe even. and I don't think anything (except the obvious) can bring me down.
I love my home, I love my dogs, I love my family, I love my friends and I just love being responsible for myself and building my future. I have the best possible outcomes right now for myself And I'm making the most of it!
or at least not sweating it. it's all good. I'm proud of where I am and where I've been.
going in for knee surgery on wednesday. i'm intermittently anxious about it. i know that a lot of it is out of my hands. i just need to make sure that i'm doing what needs to be done on my end of the bargain, and let the rest of the chips fall where they may. because it doesn't do anybody any good to freak out about things that i have no control over anyway. just do the best i can with the things that are in my control, which are relatively few.
also, i've started getting into fancy sodas now. i realize it's kind of bullshit for me to pick up a new enthusiasm every time i turn around, but it's something i enjoy doing. i like finding things to be enthusiastic about. it's a lot healthier than moping. and sure, i can see how in a way it seems dangerously close to being a craft beer enthusiast. but that was something i always liked doing. it was the least 'alcoholic' drinking i ever did. drinking just to get drunk, you look for anything that gets the job done. sampling things to find flavors you like is a very different undertaking. it was fun looking for different beers and wines to try. why not sodas? i used to look at the labels to find the highest alcohol content. now i look at them to make sure there isn't any. it doesn't seem to me to be any sort of 'trigger' (i despise that term, but it has its uses). but this disease is subtle and cunning, so i guess i'll just be watchful. as long as i'm honest about it, and there doesn't seem to be a problem, then there probably isn't one.
so i got one of these at the orlando airport:
i'm really trying to find something like it that i can get around here, because i thought it was super tasty. the molasses comes on strong, so i wasn't a fan at first, but the malt aftertaste was awesome.
also, there's this high-schooly thing going around the internets where you spell your name with band names. i'm putting it here, because i don't like putting stupid crap on my facebook. so, thank you woohu, for being my perennial repository for stupid crap.
Cake
Head East
Radiohead
Incubus
Spoon
Toad the Wet Sprocket
Old Crow Medicine Show
Pink Floyd
Heart
Elbow
Rush
meeting my little in an hour. I stayed home today because bjorne was sick this morning. I have felt off all day and I'm not sure why. of course I'm nervous, just as nervous as I get when I meet anyone new.. but it's something else. just this sense of dread? maybe apprehension? I'm not really sure.
I've been feeling excellent lately. I have avoided thinking about all the negative and sad things that usually occupy my mind. and even now I'm not thinking about those topics, but that familiar hollowness is present.
either way I'm excited to meet my little. I hope it goes well!
::
2015 21 February :: 5.24pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: the indiest shit your earholes have heard
.... steppin out (bjorne) ....
so, a creative bug has hit me, and i have written my first song. please keep in mind this is a rough version and is subject to change. at this point i only have the lyrics, but i think i know what key i want to write it in and am working out how i want it to sound. i am, nevertheless, filled with an exuberant amount of pride at this. and while i may feel extremely exposed, please enjoy:
