I gave myself the morning off from classes. It felt so good to SLEEP. They gave me thirty hours this week, and next week. I don't know how I'm going to be handling that, but I guess I'll find out.
Papers to write, but I have four hours now, so that shouldn't be a problem. I need to take some time off more often.
It's Monday morning and I've had a very long weekend. I worked last night until eleven, went home, and wrote a paper for this morning. I didn't write the other paper that I needed to, but I'm sure she said something about we can wait until Wednesday to do it. I hope, at least.
I'm working thirty hours this week. Although I don't have school on Thursday or Friday, it's still going to be hell. I'm going home on Thursday so Rueben and I can go to his family's Thanksgiving. Then we're driving back up the same day so I can work on Black Friday. Ugh.
Now, off to Communication Theory, which strangely, I've come to enjoy.
Rueben and I just saw Across the Universe. It was a great movie.
I don't know what more to say.
It presented realities.
I've always had a problem with reality. Not reality in the sense of knowing what's going on in the 'real' world, but my alternate realities. The ones in my head. The reality of what could happen. What might happen, what seemed to happen, what didn't happen, but seemed like it did.
I've had this problem since I was a small child.
I feel like I have so much to say, but I can't possibly scratch the surface here. I want _____ . I need _____ .
I'm good at playing by the rules, but that doesn't mean I like it.
I think I'm Marxist leftist...whatever that means nowadays.
I'm writing a speech on Mike Gravel and one of the articles I found while researching was called: "Mike Gravel, more Leftist than Marx"
How can I rely on words to explain myself when they simply can't? That's one of the things I've learned these past few years. I envy those who can use words to their advantage. I just fumble with them. I don't get them.
I got music and I turned my back on that. What do I have left? Two years of college, and three more to go so I can teach kids of average ability how to read the sentence: The cat sat on the mat.
Let's face it, without some time of national initiative on the part of the people, this country will never be more than substandard in anything but blowing things up.
Oh the things I could have done, you could have done, we could have done, if only we were given the chance. The opportunity. Limited opportunity isn't enough to make humanity what it should be.
Everything should be unlimited. Free healthcare, free education.
I don't care if we need to be like China and weed people out at sixth grade. Look who's on top. China.
Why would you let children who will never get it hinder the children who could change the country? Why do you bring down the best to make everyone average ? What good does that do?
ok well i'm doing nothing today. just sitting around chilling playing beautiful katamari and some halo 3.... god i want xbox live back this sucks lol. well everyone if anyone wants to do something today give me a jingle i'm free. peace.
My thought process.
How the heck can I like him?????????? Seriously. I'm a weirdo. I knew it wouldn't work out into anything in the beginning. I believed it, I knew it, I didn't let myself get too attatched... or so I thought. And now I'm jealous. I'm jealous of another girl even though I encouraged him... I was his friend... I was "happy" for him. I'm an idiot. But I still have to know nothing can happen. It would be too complicated, wouldn't it?? It would never work... I think. No, I know. I know it wouldn't work. But what if it did... what if it worked really well?? Because it could... maybe. No... no I'm just wishful thinking.
But what if it could? What if it was perfect? He's amazing. I know he is. He'd be worth the trouble. He's not even close to what I imagined would be my next 'guy'. He's different. Really different. And he has a brain... and isn't too dramatic. He's normal, he's cool, he's mature.... well usually. But it's never gonna' happen. We're never gonna' happen. I just need to get that through my head.
It's a slow day on my friends page....I'm a bit disappointed, guys. I don't get to watch soaps because I'm in class.....I need entertainment somehow!!!
Anyway.
I'm heading home in about an hour for Charlie's wedding. It's going to be grand. I just cleaned the apartment and my room, and I just have to wash the rest of the dirty dishes and clean Patrick's bowl.
I don't know. It's just been so busy, and there is stuff in my head, but I haven't had time to think about it....
Today is nice and calm and blue and a little cloudy, and not at all evil and sticky and gross like the past few days.
I have a feeling, somewhere in me, that I can't put a finger on, but I know it's there. I hate that, not being able to identify what I feel.
I signed my major today. I am officially an English major going for a Bachelor of Science in Education, Secondary Certification degree...thing. I'm going to sign my minor in a few days, I think. I need to get this stuff done, especially since the new bill came out for Higher Education that has some stuff in it about tuition assistance for to-be teachers. I need that! ME! Right here!!
I feel _____ .
What is that blank? I feel....straight line? I feel, underscore? I feel.....blank? White? Spacey? Wiped out?
No. Not really. Sometimes I hate that I only have seventyish years on this planet, and I've already used up about one third of them. What have I done in my one third of a life time? Prepared for the second third, I guess. Is that a waste? I'm not sure. What if the second third ends up being about preparing for the third third...and what if the third third is preparing for death...then am I just living my whole life to die? Always preparing for a moment that will never come. What am I trying to achieve? What is the goal? Yes, to have a job, a car, a house, a family maybe....but...why? To have a stable life for the future? What future? I'm afraid that I will have lived my life constantly trying to over achieve in a world that doesn't notice me.
I have poured my emotions into this text box so many times...
just an observation.
I don't understand how I function. I don't believe that there is an afterlife in the Christian sense of the word. I don't believe in a heaven or a hell...maybe a little waiting room with Cosmo and National Geographic magazines from 1988.
What keeps me from being totally depressed about living a whole life, and then just dying, like i was never here in the first place? How do i not be upset when I waste days doing things that I hate, because I know that I will never get those days back?
I know what the meaning of life is: ______________ .
I have a communication theory exam tomorrow morning that I'm not prepared for. I have a speech to give on monday that I'm not prepared for. I need to start doing some preparation!
Oh man.
So...I got the brother of the month award, which is pretty awesome, but not so awesome because it doesn't mean anything to anybody but me.
whatever.
I need to go study: relational dialectics! proxemics! symbolic interactionism! oh the horror...
"Everything will exist, move, separate in a river of change which in that instant will dissolve it, age, and corrupt everything without a single voice to sound the alarm...The sun is burning itself alive, iron is crumbling into dust, aimless energy is dissipating in space, masses are wearing out in radiation, the earth is cooling into death...And you will wait for a mulatto and an animal, to cross the mountain and begin to live, to fill time, execute the steps and gestures of a macabre game in which life will advance as life dies; a dance of madness in which time will devour time and no one alive can halt, the irreversible course of death...The boy, the earth, the universe: in those three, someday there will be no light, no heat, no life...There will be only total, forgotten oneness, nameless, without a man to give it a name: space and time, matter and energy all fused into one....And all things will have the same name...None"
So, I woke up extra early to read the rest of my novel and write my paper. I read for an hour, all grumpy that I'm up, and I finally decide I'm going to skip my first class so i can go to the library to write my paper. I get to the library, check my email, and the class that I had to write the paper for was canceled.
I had a feeling.
Oh, and I was walking back from class, and there were these two people standing at one of the main intersection side walks with big signs about signing a petition for a ballet initiative for medical marijuana, so i signed it.
They are demolishing the building next door. It's the twin of the apartment building that we live in. They took a crane and started scraping and raking at it, and it came down, foot by foot, in a cloud of dust.
It makes me upset by the destructive nature of our culture. I honestly don't think there was anything wrong with that building, other than it was forty years old. They just want to put up something new that they can charge three times as much for.
Thus, the downfall of our capitalist society, we destroy things that are perfectly fine in search of the almighty dollar.
Except that dollar is quickly losing value.
I don't know what my point is. I get so depressed when I think about money.
That reminds me, the new Meijer contract is out. I should go read it and find out how much more they're screwing me over. Honestly.