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2007 20 November :: 8.18pm
I really want to make things right.
And I'm sorry for a lot of the things i've done and said.
And I'm sorry for a lot of things. But hopefully I can be forgiven.
And hopefully I can make things right.
waiting to grow
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2007 19 November :: 11.45pm
I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments and watch it all dissolve into a single second.
I don't know what I want.
I am not happy.
waiting to grow
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angel_bob
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2007 18 November :: 10.11pm
You don't have to read this.
I am uber-depressed. This shit sucks, bitches.
I am still having serious trouble readjusting. I am not going to class, slacking off when I actually am in class, not writing papers until late or not at all...it's like work is the only thing I am doing. And I latch onto that to get me through the day.
It's like after four months of vacation, I can't do anything but be very lazy. It's a good thing I'm not the only one feeling like this or I'd think I was crazy.
I can totally see how that girl who went to France a few years ago dropped out of school and wasn't able to make it through. I just feel like I can't do this. And this is a thousand times easier than being in France.
It's like I can't do life anymore. This is so frustrating.
I went to help with the study abroad orientation and the coordinator of the program asked if any of us were having or had trouble with reverse culture shock. We said yeah and then she asked how bad it was. I said it was just as bad as adjusting to France but it's not. It's much, much worse. I've been home for longer than I was gone and I'm still having trouble. No one cares about my pictures, my stories, I have to work, pay bills, write papers, go to class, be in Michigan, talk to people on a consistent basis.
Oh, and the cat we were going to get died the weekend before we were going to get him.
The end.
5 ...sweet love...sweet love |
waiting to grow
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2007 17 November :: 11.51pm
I'd rather die than give you control;
So I'm not "inlove" and its wonderful.
Things are progressing but not at an alarming rate.
This is actually a normal relationship and I love it.
Kevin is wonderful. And I can't wait to see how things turn out :)
I really like him and I hope this is a long term thing.
waiting to grow
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2007 12 November :: 8.12pm
Beware this troubled world.
Why is it so complicated?
I'm really fed up with everyone and life. I just want to be in my own little world. And I want everyone to leave me alone. Especially my mother. Which makes me feel bad because I love her.
waiting to grow
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2007 11 November :: 2.11am
If you only knew;;
I don't want to screw this one up.
But theres already been countless times in my head where i've questioned it all.
Am I ready for a relationship?
It doesn't feel like it.
Maybe it's because I think I don't deserve it?
Or because I'm afraid.
Afraid that someone might actually care about me, and want to spend time with me.
I have the most amazing guy. Who shows me things no one else ever has. Who looks forward to seeing me. Who I can just lay there and be totally content with. The one whos everything I ever wanted.
I don't deserve this.
I fucking hate myself.
waiting to grow
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2007 9 November :: 2.58pm
You drained my heart;;
I had a lot of fun skating last night.
Gaetan was a lot better than I thought and he only fell twice.
I also ran into jesse which is nice, i like seeing him.
Today I took Jodi to the dentist and I got lost. She went in the elevator and I had gone to look for the stairs and then she was like do you know what room number it is and I said no and kept walking and then I was like hey what room number is it and she was already in the elevator and the doors were closing. So I remember my mom told me it was 290 but I wasnt totally sure. So I went up the stairs and looked all around for 290 but couldnt find it, so I went to the third floor and looked for 390 cause maybe it was that but it wasnt. so i went back downstairs and walk around and run into some old lady who asked me if i worked there and then i asked her what she was looking for and she said the blood lab so i showed her where it was. Then i couldnt find the stairs so I looked for the exit sign and found a differnt set of stairs but they didnt take me to the main entrance, they took me to the basement. So I went back and looked around the 2nd floor some more and then finally I found it and I had been standing infront of it for like a few minutes. I went in a Jodi was laughing so hard and so was I.
Anyways im at kevins now. Im probably gonna go home soon.
I have to go to my dads tommorow and work tommorow and I have a lot of homework to do.
waiting to grow
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angel_bob
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2007 9 November :: 5.12pm
We are getting another cat. This girl in my science class has a dairy farm, or her parents do, and they have this indoor cat wandering around getting into trouble. It fell in a bucket of milk already.
He is fixed but still has claws (so does The Baron so it's okay). He will be joining our household on Monday so I am thinking of names.
I want him to have a title like our Baron von Richthofen so I've been going through the presidents.
None of these names can be stolen or your soul is mine etc etc.:
Mewtherford B Hayes (I woke up with this name in my head. I don't know why. It's my favorite by far.)
Mewman Capote or Truman Clawpote or Trumew Capote (He is black and white so it'd fit with Truman Capote's Black and White Ball.)
Mewlysses S Grant (Hannah says I cannot name our cat after this drunk, useless president but the name is too awesome. I promised not to do it unless the cat has a swagger. And even then, only barely. She says Mewtherford B Hayes is better since he fixed all of Mewlysses' mistakes.)
Charles G Paws (While not a president, Charles G Dawes is Hannah's favorite Vice-President so he still has a title. Also, Dawes died in the city I was born in so it's like we're connected already. Also, he looks like Houdini. Seriously. So that makes him ten times awesome.)
Jean-Luc Pawcard (Title: Captain, of course.)
Meowssolini (Title: Dictator)
William Henry Harrison (My favorite president. I think his name can stay as it is.)
Walter Clawncrite (Title: Mr. Awesome)
These I don't have titles for, they're just cat names I have lying around:
Atticus Finch
Rufus
Billy Pilgrim (Billy Pawgrim?)
I'm really leaning toward Mewtherford B Hayes. Nick probably won't like it but he doesn't like The Baron's name either.
I love you all.
P.S. Urgent message from The Baron: "3
m wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww eeee m, jk['jk['jk['jk['jk['jk['jk['jk['jk['p;[;p l,jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmjkjki-=["
2 ...sweet love...sweet love |
waiting to grow
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angel_bob
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2007 8 November :: 9.59am
I'm wishing my life was a Jane Austen novel again. That would be great.
3 ...sweet love...sweet love |
waiting to grow
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2007 7 November :: 7.23pm
You make me wanna scream;;
Kevin is so amazing!
Hes so affectionate. And I'm really not used to it but I love it. And I feel comfortable around him. I feel like I can be myself.
And it partly feels wierd because Joel and him were bestfriends and Joel was my first love. But Im trying not to think about that really.
And we've known each other for 4 years, and Ive always like him but I just never thought anything like this would happen.
I went to his house yesterday and we were locked out for like 2 and a half hours so we just sat there then we walked downtown then we came back and then his dad came home. So we just hung out and watched tv and stuff. And wrestled obviously. Which I love doing because hes a hell of a lot stronger than me. Hes like 6'3 and im 5'0.
Anyways one thing lead to another and we kissed and he bit the hell out of my neck. it looks like i fucking got mauled by a tiger.
Hes really affectionate and I love it when he wraps his arms around me or pulls my hair out of my face and kisses me.
And we also actually talk about things and he understands me. And I feel like I can share things with him and tell him what i really want.
And there is some trust there because i have known him for so long.
The way he makes me feel and the things he says are so sweet. I almost dont believe it, I'm still shocked and I just feel like its not real or it could end at any minute. But when I said something to do with something happening he was like "your just thinking worse case scenerio". And when I told him I wouldnt have sex until I was in a good relationship for like 6 months to a year he said he'd wait that long for me. And when I asked him why now and why me he said he had an epiphany and just realized that ive always been there for him and stuff.
I really hope it works out. i dont want to get my hopes up. But Ive known him and like him for 4 years. And I honestly think hes amazing.
He also is a lot like me and he doesnt drink or do drugs or anything which is nice.
Im just so full of emotion I could write forever. But everythings all jumbled up in my head.
I honestly think he is everything I ever wanted.
And even if it doesnt work out hopefully we will still be friends.
waiting to grow
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angel_bob
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2007 7 November :: 4.46pm
The soup turned out okay, I guess. It didn't really taste like anything at all. Well, no. It tasted like a bunch of things but none of them were particularily good or delicious.
It was a decent first try. Especially since I had no idea what I was doing. At all. And I just threw things together.
I think my dad misses me a lot. He said that there are cooking lessons at D&W we can do together and we can go to one of those places where you make a week's worth of meals. His excuse was that Nick mentioned I don't cook but I really know that he misses me a bunch.
In other news, GHIII is awesome. Nick and I did career co-op and it was a bunch of fun.
2 ...sweet love...sweet love |
waiting to grow
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angel_bob
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2007 6 November :: 6.25pm
I am experimentally cooking soup with beans. This experimental cooking did not go well last time but we will see.
And you shall know the result.
1 ...sweet love |
waiting to grow
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2007 5 November :: 2.42pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Finding bliss in ignorance
Today was really unproductive.
I have figure skating tonight though.
And I think I'm gonna dye the bottom of my hair pink.
But that might look wierd with the purple. And idk if I should bleach it or not but I guess ill see how it goes.
I have nothing to write about really. I just need something to pass the time.
waiting to grow
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angel_bob
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2007 3 November :: 8.45pm
NaNoWriMo is sucking so far. I haven't written a thing. It's my fault too but it still sucks.
I am lame teh end.
3 ...sweet love...sweet love |
waiting to grow
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2007 1 November :: 10.52pm
Hope dangles on a string.
I'm running out of hope. But oh well.
waiting to grow
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