And with our broken smiles we walk away

3 comments | Its raining inside my head

:: 2005 15 July :: 5.51pm

i think i'm growing.

:: 2005 4 July :: 10.51am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: the sound of the fan

I don't even want to bite my fingernails. But sometimes I do.

I'm trying to change, though.

:: 2005 30 June :: 10.28am
:: Mood: congested
:: Music: So Happy Together [The Turtles]

I'm growing up.

I have a license.

The t-bird is going to be called "McGuillicuddy" because my mom said so.

Why fight when you can't control the wave?

:: 2005 29 June :: 4.25pm

Dani Lauer's Open House was totally rockin'!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

totoot toot tooot ttooooooootttt tooooottttttt

I wish Kathy was my mommmmmmmm!!!!!!1

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr\

totototottoootooooottttttttt

toot!

2 comments | Its raining inside my head

:: 2005 27 June :: 11.18pm

mmmmmmmm..........the beach tomorrow

camp
counslers
named
tom

band camp

shaved legs and naturally dried hair

longing to be there again

need to talk to beansy

sigh

:: 2005 21 June :: 4.30pm

Floating and fighting, like a kite on a string
Till you cut through my tether and changed everything
From the sky you looked small, but I loved you the same
So I darted back quickly to spell out your name
And when they say that I'm just a terrible kite
You'll tell them you're proud of my loveless flight

:: 2005 20 June :: 10.27am
:: Mood: thirsty
:: Music: The Only Living Boy in New York [Simon & Garfunkle]

Half of the time we're gone and we don't know where.

Did you know that Michigan is ranked 21 in national debt? The average debt is $11,314.

Start saving your pennies, kiddies.

3 comments | Its raining inside my head

:: 2005 15 June :: 8.33pm

oh gody god

it can't even be possible. but you know. it would be hilarious in a very sad way.

but not really. it would be the more horrible thing. EVER.

i can't hide. and. oh. i have to be something.

i won't be the girl from cedar springs.

8 comments | Its raining inside my head

:: 2005 11 June :: 9.56pm
:: Music: vertical horizon-the best i've ever had

So things are cool. . .

My mom and I are getting along. Here's the trick. I make it seem like I'm busy and I run around for her a lot and talk to her and she seems to leave me alone. And it's not so bad. She's just lonely I think.

Jake and I have stopped fighting. and things are just very nice nice nice.

My open house is tomorrow which means some money for some things.

I have a roomate who is not crazy and she knows my stepsister

aaron is gone

my car is working

it rained a little bit

i have bangs

someone noticed my very intense eyes

i'm not sad about band camp or school or anything

i don't have anemia, lukemia or mono. i just need to eat more meat.

i signed up for my classes

i'm not being a bad babysitter for the most part

so here's the usual vagueness

today is the anniversary of your death and
i celebrate
with
enthusiasm
i will bury you with
duct tape

thank you
thank you
thank you

for closing the door
no
slamming
abrupt
and throwing the deadbolt

and while i pounded
until my
fists were bloody
all over the unwelcome mat

then YOU crawled through the window
and
i wasn't disapointed

gush

2 comments | Its raining inside my head

:: 2005 8 June :: 11.47am

yay! i had orentation yesterday! it was fun, but really hot out. everyone was kind of quiet and shy, but i know it'll all change. we were all just nervous. anyways, here's the classes i'm taking in the fall!

EDU 107- INTRO TO TEACHING- 3.00
HEV 100- HUMAN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT: LIFE- 3.00
BIO 101T- GENERAL BIOLOGY- 3.00
MTH 130- PRE-CALCULUS MATH- 4.00
MUS 114- LISTENING EXPERIENCE- 3.00

16.00 TOTAL CREDIT HOURS

sounds fun huh?!

5 comments | Its raining inside my head

:: 2005 3 June :: 9.51am
:: Music: fallout boy-grand theft autunm

I am going to lose it. Not even joking.

I thought things were going really good. I just graduated, I have cool friends, everything is pretty great on the boyfriend front and I thought my mother finally calmed down.

But no. Underneath all of that niceness she's harboring her bullshit. I can't even describe it that's how completely stupid everything is. I guess she expects me to spend my whole summer vacation cleaning. That's not happening. I do my chores. I do what she asks me. I drive A-ron around. I only ask her for money when it's totally nessesary. I try to whine less and I don't talk about how I don't love Jesus. I did my invitations. I'm working on the picture thing for my open house.I'm even trying to organize all the photos so we can be a happy family again.

I don't get it.

and the job thing. I've applied at Great Day, D&W, Meijer, Arbys, Tractor Supply, Movie Gallery, Kohls (twice) Debs, Rue 21, Shulers, and I don't know where else. I've picked up applications to like everywhere in Cedar.

Everyone MIGHT be looking at apps in a few weeks. So I go in or call to see how that's going. Oh, still looking. They'll call me. Not.

Arbys says my availitbilyt sucks even though I can work weekends and every day of the week, just not during the day on Monday and Tuesday.

Meijer? Who knows.

Bath and Body Works wasn't interested.

To work part time at Kohls you have to have open availability and I was willing to give up babysittting to do that. But now they're not hiring.

What the deal? Seriously. I'm qualified and I like working.

And I'm getting better. I go to the therepy. I take the medicine. I do breathing. I go into crowds and I try not to flip out. I didn't even cry when she yelled at me last night.

I don't want to live with my dad. I don't want to have two transitions this summer. But is that my only option? I don't want to punish my mother. I love her and everything she does. But why can't she relax and just accept who I am, an absentminded procrastinator? I seem to manage don't I?

Or maybe I'm missing something and I'm the bad one. I'm lazy and selfish and demanding.

oh my.

:: 2005 29 May :: 2.35pm

Open House
June 12th
1-5pm
636-4135
call for directions!

:: 2005 29 May :: 12.06pm

So many things have happened. *sigh*.....

just 2 seconds ago i wanted to talk about everything....now it's all a blur. maybe because i'm sick

well....hmm...prom was wonderful. i couldn't have had a better time. i felt more beautiful than i ever have before. like a princess. tyler called himself my prince. it really was a fairy tale night and i was cinderella....so happy.

on the other hand, if prom sucked, i wouldn't be in the perdiciment i am in now. it's so hard to have such an night and promise only friendship. it was so natural, the week before, that magical night. and now i'm here....wanting to rewind and go back to get that kiss i never got, and dance the last dance i never got. i wish so bad i could just tell him how i feel. but no, i must be a lady, and wait.

as for everything that has been going on with people from the band bashing me, i reallly don't care now what anyone thinks. the thing is, music will always be a love of my life. but not my first, and not my only. i'm going to CMU next year to study spanish and be a teacher....it's going to be great and i'm going to be happy. i'm making my life what i want it to be. if that upsets some people, then sorry, and too bad. there...and i've said my peace.

graduation was thursday. it's so surreal to me how it is all overwith already. now it's open houses to go to and planning my own. in 3 short months, i'll be 18 and off to central. my advice to everyone is to live everyday to the fullest. high school goes by sooooooo fast. don't ever wish it away. enjoy every teacher, every friend, every dance, football game, laugh and tear. because someday, it'll all be a memory. make it a good memory. i'll miss all of you. please keep in touch.

my open house is on Saturday, June 18, 2005
from 6 pm - sometime the next morning.
come for a barn dance, bon fire and lots of food and memories.
see you there!

much love........

:: 2005 19 May :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: Awesome
:: Music: None

There are moments, when I'm shifting my glances from his hauntingly beautiful eyes to his peaceful smile, I forget everything and pray a thousand "thank yous."

I hope someday you know this feeling.