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2004 5 July :: 11.46 am
:: Mood: oy
:: Music: straylight run
i was scared to death of eternity
I need to write in this. I need to get something out. Ive had dreams about him night after night. Want to know what hurts/ disturbs me.. in those myspace pictures.. in those comments .. he is not who i remember. He is not the same person. And they are coming the 8th.. "the sarah's have my number" fuck. yeah like i want to call him for info. but he isnt who i remember him.. i don't even know who he is anymore. i hate forgetting i hate this.. i want to see him and have him be the same person.. please. i want it all to be nice.. i want to say goodbye and mean it. i want him to get the fuck out of my state. i know i claim indifference.. but i'll confess, i can't stop caring. in my own way.. i care. i still hurt. i don't know what it is i feel anymore. he is an ass. i wish we could have one perfect day and leave it at that. or maybe two. and then i will go about forgetting him. i don't even know.. i need sara to come back please.
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2004 22 June :: 11.24 pm
:: Mood: destroyed
There are some things you can't fake I guess that it's typical To cling to memories you'll never get back again
I'm sorry i couldn't get over this. I can't help but wait for his phone call. How long classifies as later.. 2 days? fuck. i don't care about anyone else. i don't fucking care. i only care about him. every fucking second i care and i try so hard to not. I know he isn't thinking about me. my heart hurts. I'm forgetting him and that even hurts. ive given jeph every chance in the world. ive lost myself. i wanted to be a strong women. im just not.i just want him to call or contact me .. he hasnt apologized. I hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this!!!!!!!!!! im not over this and i don't know when i will be
1 obsession |
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2004 20 June :: 3.52 am
:: Mood: ahhhhhh
has your heart ever been so overloaded with love that you can't think straight? god i can't go to bed right now<33333333
GAhHHH
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2004 18 June :: 5.22 pm
this isn't for the better
GAH!!! have you ever just hated something so much you wanted to kill everything in your path? yeah.. so im crazy. She is ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so fucking fake and rich and tan and blonde and fucking everything i fight against every fucking day. Is that original? She is a fucking fat barbie. God damn it. Ugh. Don't claim to be so fucking great when you can fall for THAT! her. Why can't being me ever pay off. No matter where i go or who i meet i always lose to the same type of girls. I don't want to be anything like her. She is gross. She makes me want to kill all of her kind. She is against everything i work for. Strong women.. not tiffany buying slaves. NO NO NO.. if he could love her.. he isnt who i thought he was.
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2004 15 June :: 10.23 am
:: Mood: blah
Do you really know what it feels like to lose
i bet i could honestly sit in my room and mope for... years. I'll just sit at the computer, eat, listen to sad music, and look at myspace.com. Oh and once in awhile i'll check my phone to see if anyone left any messages. I'm so lame. My only savior is that tonight I have the dashboard concert.. <3 ohhh. Ok yeah i mean i can comfort myself and say "he is across the country, who knows if he even recieved my texts, who knows how messed up his peice of crap phone is." I know that this is all bullshit. Fuck whatever connection i thought we had. He is off hooking up with some abercrombie model i'm sure. I hate this. I thought he was fucking special. i thought he cared. I'm supposed to be some sort of genius and i CAN't figure this out for my life. There you go. I can't wait for the day i can stop thinking about him. He isn't my baby. He is my curse. Every inch of me wishes i am wrong. I just want him in my arms again. damn
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2004 14 June :: 11.13 am
:: Mood: lonely
we were better then
I knew he wasn't going to call. I mean i bet he met someone else already. I bet he meets someone else everyday. I bet he is calling his someone else now while i sit here moping. It is hard to understand this.. or explain this. I didn't just like that he was the lead singer of a band. I liked the way that he laughed and the way he smiled all the time and his curly sideburns and his conspiracy theories and his skin and his smell and his voice. I liked it all. Who know a guy could come into boca and just turn my life upside down. I'm a different person.. and i'm happy about that.. this person is better, happier, cooler. But this person is still without you. It is hard to spend so much time with people and the have to give them up. I must be on withdrawal. I loved them all.. for their own things.
Andre- chillest ever.
Dave- fashionable best friend. oh so sweet.
ethan- cute as hell. koala. awesome kid. cute guys are approachable
jamie- doesn't give a shit. Will wear whatever. it is so rad.
Jeph- made me want to me myself "since we met jeph we have become complete assholes
Matt- ha! love this kid. so cool. aqua teen hunger force. sometimes it is okay to be just stupid and funny.
yeah.. maybe im fooling myself in thinking i had a connection with him. sucks.
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2004 9 May :: 3.16 pm
:: Mood: pensive
but I’m so tired of being inspired only when things slip away
*sigh* here are all my thoughts. I really want to work on this band. I really want to practice more. I feel like i've forgotten how to play even. Which i hate. I hate missing people that i only met a month ago. I thought tim could be a great friend. I guess he didn't feel the same way. At least we still have Marcelle. She is such a pretty thing. The olsen twins are my gods. They are so beautiful. New York minute reminded sara and i of eachother. It was so funny. I really hope we stick to our scheduale this summer. i really hope. It is the only thing i have to look forward to really. It made me very happy yesterday planning it out. I am in a blah mood lately. I feel like ive lost a lot of people. I dont see anyone anymore. I feel sad anyway. I feel like all i am doing is cutting ties. snip. I dont want to get by anymore. I want to be happy. and flying. the end.
1 obsession |
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2004 26 March :: 9.22 pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: dashboard
It's better than the fire is to heat this lonely room
Is it okay to just be lonely sometimes? I mean yeah i have all these great friends (amazing except during spring break when they go away.) but is this it?
It is spring, you know, a time for love. It's colder than it ought to be in March. Dana and ryan. Stacey and kotu. Whoever and whoever. it doesn't really matter. It is just that i see all of these people with their smiles and their infatuations and their happiness (whatever that is) and i just want to be one of them. I don't want to have to be envious anymore; i hate getting that feeling in my chest that i'm not good enough. I hate having these sad eyes and this sad smile all the time. And yeah, there is Chris but he lives an hour away and that is just not realistic; the majority of people are realistic. And fuck, he can't hold me and tell me things are going to be fine. no no no he can't be what i want. And it is my fault. I guess it is my fault that i am alone. My mom once told me that if you don't even love yourself, how can you let others love you {or something like that}.. But i'm working on that. so you know maybe eventually i can somehow grasp at this happiness. But damn it i've grown impatient. And to some i'm just a pretty face and to others im not pretty enough and i'd really like to think that i can be intellectual and witty and whatever else makes up a substantially interesting person. or maybe i'm just one big fucking horrible mess. one that people avoid. that could make sense too. You know sometimes it is bearable.. being single. But sometimes it just gets so lonely, like you have all of these people but you really don't have anyone at all. Or maybe Dashboard makes me unhappy, eh there is no point in analyzing. Sometimes i just want to evaporate. And i'm not going to go on some rant about how i hate myself, because well i don't anymore and i'm not crying myself to sleep every night. So yeah maybe i should be happy because life is better. But fuck that because it isn't what i want/ need/ live for. and i hate this, i don't want to slip back there, i could never breath back then. I wish someone would love me .. or at least try to.. i mean at least see something, some sort of potential in me. maybe that i could be something wonderful. if that is even possible. Loneliness is one of the worst things in the world. It is like no matter how sunny or bright it is outside, you just exist in this cold dark moist prison cell. And you just watch everyone through these iron bars and you just wish and hope every day that someone could just steal the key or break open those bars or just hold your hand through them and never let go (and maybe over time those brick walls would eventually decay and crumble). I don't know what i'm saying. I'm rambling... i always ramble. But i think im trying to say i'm broken. simply. just broken and i wish someone would take the time to try to fix me or something lame like that. eh.
1 obsession |
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2004 15 March :: 10.58 pm
he didn't "kiss" me goodnight.. it is starting all over again. damn it!
1 obsession |
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2004 10 March :: 11.02 pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: jets to brazil
It's like they handed me my life and for the first time it felt right
You know that feeling when your heart is beating in a melody and your breath comes out in sighs. It is something. To like someone and have them like you back.. that is something. Something i honestly haven't much experianced. ugly me. and someone actually likes me? pfft. amazing. And i have that little feeling in chest that my heart is just trying to escape from my body and fly. He thinks i am something. I think he is something.. what a concept. I can't wait to see him to just hug him and know that things are okay. and we can watch empire records and make stupid jokes and just smile. That is what we should do. He says he wishes i was there in miami today because then he would be so happy, it would be his ultra birthday. oh infatuation to the max. So sad the circumstance of him living so far away and me having to wait to just hold him or have him kiss my forhead.. something like that. he would so do that. i think it is funny that i am smiling. rare but lovely. so this is what being happy is. and me being so scared it is going to fade.. that he won't like me.. that would be just my luck
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2004 9 March :: 5.20 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: the cure
the boy's eyes said "how beautiful! she shimmers like a star!"
you want to know why i hate you?
well i'll try and explain...
you remember that day in paris
when we wandered through the rain
and promised to each other
that we'd always think the same
oh my god. i think i am going to vomit. this is so much more than i can handle
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2004 7 March :: 4.27 pm
i miss everyone nowadays
im sorry
1 obsession |
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2004 21 February :: 10.41 pm
nosb owned youuu!! yes.. you! especially. im so tired i want to sleep. mast owns everyone.. including me.. damn mast, stupid boys.. fun ness.. ill expand later
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2004 19 February :: 11.16 pm
bah. i am so out of it right now i don't even know. I keep fighting in my head about whether to bring my contacts or just wear my glasses. And i just want to sleep in my bed. really sleep. I just stuffed my face with grapes. oh being too fat to care. We just worked forever on the project.. it will be good enough. Too bad i didnt study. too bad indeed. i just want to sleep. but i guess this is exciting. I'm excited.. in an anxious annoying way. If i wear my contacts i can wear my sunglasses. What about money? how much do i pack? it is only one day. imagine if i was going away for a week.. i would fucking bring my whole house. ugh competition. ugh. im tired. my weekend will be wasted and i will have the work of ugh to do this weekend.. with bib cards of hell.. bib cards? whyy i can't even comprehend because i realized i don't even know what my thesis means. My brother just came home.. yeah 11:10.. my curfew on weeknights is 9.. funny. gnomes are cool yet scary.. like they are just creepy midget old men wearing colorful outfits.. my hair is gross.. i want to either dye it again or let it grow out. i really need a cut of mass proportions. Screw studying.. i will do it tomorrow in paiges car. I really need to get this rollyness off of my body. i would like to be skinny. When kate moss runs up to me and complements my skinniness,.. i will become. oh he is sleeping out.. he is fucking sleeping out.. ahhhh!!!!! his birthday is tomorrow.. the big 18.v whatever. i should really drive. vroom. i suck at it. watch out world.. bah im going to wash up and sleep before i tear up the world hxc.
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2004 16 February :: 12.19 am
:: Mood: betrayed
I called my mom last night She said, "Sweetie, you don't need someone who's more fleeting than fall"
i feel hurt. I feel betrayed. Now i know who i can really count on and who i can't. No one even called. If sara wasn't here i would have been alone all night. No one stood up for me. No one cared. Thanks to Sara and ron for making me feel better. Thanks to Cari for being awesome in general. yeah, i guess 3 + years means nothing to anyone.
Could you tell me the next time that you're choking?
'Cause I'll rush right over
to shove some dirt right down your throat
It's nothing I have against you
You're just a creep and
you can't remember the last five years
What's a bond if it dissolves in water?
I took a piss that lasted longer
than you and your manipulations
I called my mom last night
She said, "Sweetie, you don't need someone
who's more fleeting than fall"
'Cause don't you love those leaves?
Don't you wish the orange stayed forever
And Crickets sang in the night all through winter?"
And I thought, slow down, Chris
Think of all the time this jerk
has fucked you up and left you down
And hey, I choose my company
by the beating of their hearts
Not the swelling of their heads
Besides, I'd rather forget the days we spent
Than try to stay afloat in shallow water.
6 obsessions |
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