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:: 2003 14 June :: 5.27 pm
:: Mood: ugly/fat/bald haha

Why can't something like you happen to me
Radiohead's song Creep defines my existance. Plain and simple. [ some people are just so beautiful ]

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:: 2003 9 June :: 9.52 am
:: Mood: inspired

life is bloody fingers and broken guitar strings
Well last night's concert was amazing. It was Neil young/ Lucinda Williams. [ sorry we couldnt be there, dana] I went with my mom, dad, and sara.. which was embarassing at times. It was pouring at first and my whole family had on colorful pancho's. We were just cracking up because we looked so disturbing. Sara and i went to get water and we saw this amazingly cute guy working there; basically i realize guys like that are my type because i seem to fall for them so often. Lucinda Williams was great. She didnt play many of the songs i knew though, which was disapointing. She has a really cool voice. Neil Young is a Rock and Roll God Neil Young was just so amazing. It was so inspiring to see the people get so excited over their idol. It was like looking into the past. Everyone was screaming and dancing; they were just so happy. But Neil Young he is so cool. I love his voice. I'm getting his new cd. Anyways here are some memorable quotes
"I'm just a dreamer and you are just a dream. You could have been anyone to me"
"sweet sweet baby you are my drug"
"put a little love and kindness in everything you do and this world will be a better place, with or without you"
"Have you ever thought about living, what life has to tell"
"hey hey my my rock and roll will never die"
"You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye....
I want to love you but
I'm getting blown away."
wow
SBE

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:: 2003 7 June :: 12.12 am
:: Mood: adventurous

What is a pooh anyways?
Well today was quite fun indeed.
Dana got her lisence! We had a picnic ( we used coupons) and then coldstones and then the mall. I love icecream but not fat.. what a quagmire. Haha then stacey called so we had to rush over to the library and sit and talk to our "new friend", who was in actually kind of scary. But he did teach us some of lifes important lessons which were:
the factors that come into play on whether a guy will "bank" a girl or not are as follows 1. it depends on how fat you are 2. it depends on how drunk he is. wow.. umm. then he told us what a buck and 10 is. fun. oh man we saw this little kid fashion show. it was like the full monty! so scary yet funny. we also saw keith (hehe hmm). But the highlight is that we all went to jons after and played ddr for a couple of hours.
goal of the summer
become a DDR master
on one level i got an A.. which is awesome.
this entry totally sucked but my day was really nice so i thought i might as well document it

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:: 2003 5 June :: 11.32 pm
:: Mood: weird/ contemplative/ nostalgic
:: Music: Fastball

You know there's always more then one way to say exactly what you mean to say
I went to Dana's confirmation tonight.
It was weird. I saw a few old omni people and it makes me kind of sad. I dont like not be able to see them if i want to. I want to see how they've grown and how their lives have changed. I've been feeling very omni lately, ever since i cleaned out my room and found old notes and pictures. I feel like i am so disconnected from them. Maybe i'm just a fleeting memory too. I just want to see them all again. Well at least some of them remember me (ex justin himmelbaum). Plainly, i miss them. I miss when things were a little simpler and you could count on seeing someone every day. I guess things are just different, for better or for worse.
Also, i'm done with all of these grudges. I'm done. I just cant ever find the right time to say sorry. I can't move on and be a better person if i don't though. I'm sorry for all the drama i've caused. I'd really like to maybe become friends again. I dont know i'm just sick of holding on to pain. I feel like this weight is holding me down.
SBE
ps. i always make a scene. eh
and "allison" isnt real

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:: 2003 3 June :: 4.38 pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: cool last day of school mix

"I'm on to you jacob, you can't keep up that disguise forever"
- the last thing said to me during sophomore year.
Ok, im going to try to write one of those lame but really insightful/ emotional entries that sums up sophomore year in my own personal way. ha
Basically, everyone goes into highschool as freshman, not knowing what to expect. At least in sophomore year i had an idea about what was going to happen but i guess i was surprised.
Although torturous and sometimes downright embarrasing, this year has been one of the best years of my life.
I met a lot of really interesting people and made a lot of amazing friends :
(in no particular order)
Karin: math class budddie! haha obviously we have known eachother for awhile and im glad we became so close. We have a lot of things in common (especially liking people with the same names and our asian heritage...). Don't let stupid people get you down because you are smart and funny and pretty. anyways thanks. im trying not to get so sappy <333
Paige: Honestly i love you dude. our adventures are so fun and "r-a-n-d-o-m" . you are just so fun and nice. You dont have to worry so much because i think no matter what people are already impressed with the person you are. also thanks for being in my life
Amy: yeah you're awesome. I'm glad you came up to me and scared me the first day of chemistry. It's cool that im little you and we go through a lot of the same stuff. anyways. of course i think you are amazing.. even if you are a ninja. <333333 x 353253252.
plus anyone else i have met you are probably cool in some way

I have also learned so many of life's little lessons.. which makes this such a great year to look back on and cherish.
I learned that in life one has to take risks because no matter how much you want to stay "in your shell" if you put yourself out there and jump, even if things dont turn out the way you want them to at first, that experiance will make your life greater in the long run.
I learned not to worry ( to the point of changing the way you are ) about what people think or say about you because they are going to say it anyways. (karin ha)
I learned that sometimes you have to work to get what you want and that just because im smart it doesnt mean that everything comes so easy
I learned that every person is worth getting to know because everyone has something special to offer and that i shouldnt be so shy or picky. maybe
I learned to not wait to the last minute and to not rely on others to get things done(FAU .. oy)
I learned that happiness comes from within and that every moment of happiness counts in the long run, so we should try to make ourselves happy as much as possible. (because we can)
i learned that i should drink more water and eat less junk. ha
I learned that reading is more amazing then i had previously thought. thanks paige, karin and sabina
I learned that there is a possible connection between listening to sad music all the time and bouts of depression (ha sara)
Most importantly, i learned to ALWAYS be myself. trust me , it is heart breaking to know that you killed a friendship or potential relationship because you were acting like someone else. If someone doesnt like you at least they wont like the real you eh?

Wow i dont even know how to sum up this year. I look back at some points and think i made a complete fool out of myself ( which taught me the last and most important lesson). But then again, i look back on some old times and think "wow i have some fucking great friends and same amazing memories".. it's almost heartwarming eh?
happy things this year: awesome concerts ( warped tour!, Dashboard [2x], the startingline [2x], taking back sunday [2x], all those little local concerts that made me smile), one man moshing, reeses shirt guy at dashboard show, skanking, jamba juice, book club, dancing, my music, teen cabaret, staying up and talking, classic movies (casablanca), the park+ picnics, MY FRIENDS, my brother, AIM, newspaper, starbucks+ gloria jeans, woohu, the beach [ especially at night] , ADVENTURES!, car washing, my gnome, my clothes, my guitar, apple juice, Jason, flannel shirts, glasses, the beatles, third eye blind, getting lost in your rock and roll, hoodies, hemp, shells, l-e-v-i-n, red cross club, pajama pants, books [ sloppy firsts], great quotes, funny people, gifted, hamentashen, school car rides, long car rides + oldies, pictures, calculator notes, online diaries, teen idols ;), studying with friends, cool hair, ( ahhh i forgot to add keith [ his shirt over his head and he he hmm and his party, also being a gangsta is fun !) my life [ for the most part]
I'm out of gifted forever, which in a sense is kind of scary. Me out in the real world? I'll miss it a lot. Stacey and i made the class take a group picture. oh man.
I'm one year closer to being gone forever. I don't want to grow up. I want to stay young and have fun forever.
To conlude, I've said it a million times, but summer is going to be amazing i can feel it. Just one thing, i have until july 21st to make a goal/ dream happen. It kinda puts a damper on things no?
I want to say so much more but ill end with this "I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass" ~ Counting Crows

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:: 2003 1 June :: 10.48 pm
:: Mood: summer
:: Music: Dashboard<3

Hello Frederick how are you?
Fuck, my weekend has been awesome. No one can deny me of my right to an awesome summer <3333
oh yeah.. tonight was nice. Chris Carraba is a god.
my inspiration is low but im still having fun
yeah i miss you too

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:: 2003 31 May :: 4.21 pm
:: Music: "must have picked a bad time to be in love"

It's been very nice these past two days... almost like summer. Yesterday was Dana's birthday and that was pleasent. I think i will marry Gordo. I love brownies and icecream.. but as of yesterday i am eating healthy ish. I fucking rocked at cannibal ball and DDR. I have so much fun with my friends. Also today Dana and i chilled at the beach and that was fun too.. and relaxing.. i honestly love the beach. anyways i feel like im rambling.
but ps.
"The plans I make still have you in them cause you come swimming into view and I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do" ~ Third Eye Blind
anyways yeah the beach can be very reminiscent of old times. good old times. summer could never be a bad thing
and paige take me off your thing you n00b .. i love you ha

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:: 2003 25 May :: 11.12 pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: oldiesssss <333 and allison

Its the same old song it's just a different beat since you've been gone
Paige and oldies and driving make me in a good and reflective mood. Thank you
AliCat1050: you look like one of those intelectual girls that sips hot chocolate while reading books no ones heard about. she probably goes to concerts and meets members of local bands
AliCat1050: she probably is one of those girls that owns red shoes and funky clothes that she designs herself
AliCat1050: that is his take on you
That made me feel good like i had some sort of nitch or something. I'm in one of those optmistic moods. This summer.. do i even have to say it :)
ps. im not giving up on Jason. nope

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:: 2003 24 May :: 4.49 pm
:: Mood: excited

They dont know what they've been missing
The show last night was pretty good. Sara and I sat in our usual spots. Those things always make me feel better.. it must be the atmosphere or all the cute guys or the music.. combination of all three.
Im pretty happy; the idol of my highschool experiance acknowledged my existence. He is basically my good luck charm so now i figure my summer is going to rock.. if not my entire life from that moment on ha. wow wow wow wow wow. who here is incredibly dillisional? mmm a non scott baio moment.
on a more depressing note. There is something wrong with me and i repel guys. The point is is that i knew it wasnt going to work out. I cant even talk about this. im not in the mood

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:: 2003 23 May :: 3.59 pm

FLJRP11: im really gonna miss you
I think I'm gonna be sad.
I think it's today.
Yeah.
The boy that's drivin' me mad
Is goin' away.

he's got a ticket to ride.
he's got a ticket to ride.
he's got a ticket to ride,
But he don't care.
- i changed a beatle song
oh man this is the cheesiest thing ever wow haha

No reply song # 3. i live the music haha <3333
S. Edel
ps. this one goes out to lily

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:: 2003 20 May :: 6.28 pm
:: Mood: content

For what it's worth it was worth all the while
Oh wow i just couldnt wait to write this. Honestly today couldn't have ended on a better note. I found out that i like it in his arms and that he will "miss me soo much" and that when im with him it seems like no one else is in the room. I can just tell this summer is going to be amazing. I'm honestly optimistic. I'm feeling all warm and glowy. Thanks everyone for all the support, even my mom :), i know im cute. Summer has begun. Viva la revolucion. Who knows what will happen in 11th grade ;)
Dont you love it when i act like this

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:: 2003 15 May :: 10.33 pm

sometimes, he is enough.

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:: 2003 15 May :: 4.49 pm
:: Mood: mad

that last entry made me sound insane
Whoever is spreading rumors about me needs to get a life and possibly plastic surgery. thanks.
(... if you want to know ask.. i dont mean to be so mean but it is necessary sometimes because i've never done anything cruel or stupid [ to anyone or in any situation ]and certain people find ways to make me out to be someone i'm not. )
No one who knows me would believe any of this crap.

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:: 2003 14 May :: 10.49 pm
:: Mood: insane

The best part about tonight was that it was a great show. The worst part was that i'll never be the joey, not mater how much i wish i was and it is killing me.

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:: 2003 13 May :: 7.25 pm
:: Music: Buzzcocks

I just want a lover like any other what do i get?
I'm writing and it's not going to be pleasant but hey, you wanted it.
Why? I want to say so much more then that but that's basically it.
Yeah, yeah you're all happy. I'm going to bring you down; screw me right?
Good. Yes. how come no one likes me? I mean NO ONE. Why am i so fucking alone and will continue to be that way? because im just so ugly and annoying or weird and maybe i just don't deserve whatever i think i deserve.
And every attempt i have made at happiness has failed and after awhile you have to start believing its you. It's me i know im the most horribly unattractive person on earth.
Nothing ever changes around here. nothing. it is just the same routine every single day and im sick of it. Im sick of being the ugly one. I'm sick of trying to believe in myself because i can't, i just can't anymore.
and i dont know why it always leads back to this but jason makes me feel like such a complete loser. Everything he does makes me feel worthless.
In general i feel like such a loser, like i jsut feel like everyone is making fun of me, like the people in school, my "friends", everyone.
im just a fucking mess and im not hopeful

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