I love Mary and Laura. They make me laugh. I love people who make me laugh.

Things in my life are taking a strange turn and I can't seem to understand any of it. Nothing seems to be going the way I planned. Sometimes I just want to get out.

*Side Note* Melissa, I find a guy from OHIO on that spin the bottle thing....ha ohio.

I think my paranioa is on some sort of major high... or it could be I'm just right for once. Cory makes me feel like such an idiot.

Somone talk to me.

mmm Lots and Lots of random goodness!

Today was senior picnic. I didn't eat anything because the hamburgers looked seriously nasty and i'm not much for hotdogs. So I left with Tim and Jake and we went to go see a movie. So we're at the movie theater and Jake's like "What do we want to see?" I think he wanted to see X-Men 2 but I was like "Let's see the Lizzy Mcguire(sp?) movie!!" Yes, inside I am still 5 years old. It was such a cute movie. The kid with all the curly hair (who is evidently like my age, but i like to think he's 12) is so cute. I wanted to take him to the mall and buy him a sweater.

In other life news, I had my last spring concert on sunday. I really thought I was gonna make it all through Senior Circle without crying...but then came Mary and i just lost it. And then, get this, Mary comes and gives me a hug and tells me that I made her want to start playing guitar! ME!!! I was thinking "Why in god's name would I make you do a thing like that??? I suck!" But seriously it was the sweetest thing she could have ever told me. I haven't played in such a long time and i couldn't figure out why, but with that one little statement Mary just pulled me right out of it. I was like "man, i need to go home and write a song."

I was thinking about calling parks just because i want to cuss him out. I'm thinking perhaps I should stay away though. Hmmm, what do YOU think?

So here are the events of prom day which is not as upseting as it was before.

So I got up and did all those girl things that you do in order to get ready. Got my hair done. My step-mom forced me to paint my nails pink despite the fact that my dress was blue. Overall, I was in a pretty okay mood until 4pm.

Then 4 roles around and Parks isn't there. Deep in my stomach I knew he wasn't going to show up but I just kept on wishing that he would. 4:30 came and Cory and Alyssa came. This was when I nearly started crying. Cory kept on telling me, "Maybe he's late." It was a nice attempt but I knew that wasn't it. So they left and I waited in the dress until 6. Then I figured "what's the point, he's not gonna come" so i took a shower. While in the shower my step-mom started yelling through the door about how she had wasted over $600 and how I should have gone on without him. Well, I figured I didn't want to go there and cry all night when i could do it in the comfort of my own home. She stopped yelling when i started to cry and just said "i'm sorry you got your heart broken." We had pizza for dinner and i came to get something to eat in my pjs. My dad could tell i was upset so he just put his arm around me and told me everything was gonna be okay. This was when I lost it because Amber asked, "why isn't bekie at the prom?" Nikie was like "I told you not to say that!" and i couldn't stop crying so i went back to bed. later on i came back and ate something and got online because that was the point where i just need to talk to someone who would understand, but i knew all my friends were at prom. So I was on for a while when out of nowhere someone instant messages me. I'm thinking it's probably someone i'm not gonna want to talk to. This proves that God is always looking out for me because it was Rachael (Parks' ex-girlfriend.) and she wanted to know if I was going to be okay. She just let me vent about it and was there for me in this amazing way. I seriously don't know how i could ever thank her enough. Well after that I was feeling much better and went to bed. Tim called at 11 wanting to know how i was and that got me crying again but eventually i was able to sleep.

Now on to today.

I woke up and was feeling icky so i just got dressed for church and then waited in the car. When i got to youth someone asked me how i was and i started crying again. All this time my step-mom was upstairs telling everyone "Don't ask Bekie about prom! She had a really bad night." So Mrs. Jan had to walk me upstairs while I was crying. I told her I was gonna be okay i just needed to wash my face. While I was in the bathroom Mrs. Debb came in and huged me and told me that it didn't matter what that boy had done that God loved me and that she loved me too and everything would be alright. Then she was like "You wanna hear a joke?" and I said "Okay" and she was like "So there's a preist and a rabbi...I don't really know this joke so we're just gonna make it up as we go along..." She made me laugh and I felt much better after that. I loooove the people at church because they took my mind off of everything. Jessica and I had to sing a duet and that went off much better than I had thought it would.

So i'm feeling much better and I am able to talk about it without crying so I know things are getting better. If Parks does call I've decided i'm not going to answer the phone. I'm just gonna let my dad pick up and share with him the feeling that's he's developed towards him since last night (ha!)

And yes, i'm still the same old evil Bekie because throughout my sorrow I continued to think "Man, I wish I could drive so I really could castrate him. He don't deserve a penis!"

I love the people in my life who have helped me through this so far.
ahhh, it's still good.

In 24 hours prom will be over.

Thankyou God! Called Parks today and continued to threaten him with all the bad things that are gonna happen to him if he doesn't show tomorrow. Yeah, Andrew, I can be an exreamly mean little girl, but not that mean. ewww! Anyway, I had voice lessons today and I started on this really cool new song and so i'm leaving you the words. It's from the musical Parade and it's called "You Don't Know This Man."

You don't know this man.
You don't know a thing.
You come here with these horrifying stories,
These contemptible conceits,
And you say you understand how a man's heart beats.
And you don't know a thing.

You don't know this man.
You don't even try.
When a man writes his mother every Sunday,
Pays his bills before they're due,
Works so hard to feed his family,
There's your murderer for you!
And you stand here spitting words that you know aren't true.
Then you don't know this man.
I don't think you could.

You don't have the right to know a man that wise and good.
He is a decent man!
He is an honest man!
And you don't know...
And you never will.

Not from me,
Not from anyone who knows him,
Not a morsel,
Not a crumb,
Not a clue.

I have nothing more to say to you.

I've made a grand discovery today...

Much eyebrow=pessimistic attitude

Yes my friends it is true. So if you're feeling blue, go get your eyebrows waxed. You'll feeel much better.

But seriously, it worked on me.

So I just got back from getting my eyebrows waxed. My sister did it, and of course, she inflicted as much pain as she possibly could on me, because I was the annoying child who ruined her teenage years. But I got candy afterwards so i'm thinking, hey, that makes it all worth it. i sooooo have the mind of a 5 year old.

so after my eyebrows are done, it's like the evil veil that someone had thrown over the world last night was suddenly gone.

i don't give a flip about parks. ha, i don't care. it's so lovely not to care! AND I WILL ENJOY PROM. oh, and don't think that just because i don't care about the whole parks issue suddenly, that if he doesn't show saturday night he will not suffer my wrath.
if he's not there, he better not expect to see his penis still attatched the next morning. hmmm...i am an evil person.

ah, everything is good, and i don't know why.

yay! i finished my stock project!

well...almost anyway.

I was thinking as I was typing out all this stock crap, al and I should have a Nap Day. We have Texas Day and Buffet Day, but we should make Nap Day.

mmmm nap

My eyelid is really swollen...should i be worried about this?

yeah, it looks quite nasty! just thought i'd throw that in there. it's like i can't go a single month without my stupid left eyelid swelling. This could be a bad thing...huh.

anyway, dreading prom as usual. you known, you would think a girl would be excited about this. yeah melissa, i just don't think i can do it. there's nothing to go on after prom...what's the point. boys suck.

oh a similar topic. i always found it strange that when parks and rachel were dating he would never tell me anything about her. and i would think "well, we're pretty good friends, and you would think a guy would want to talk about his girlfriend." so being my nosey self i started to read her online journal. at first i kinda thought, "gee, she sounds like a really nice girl," when i saw phantom stuff, because hey, anyone who likes phantom kicks major butt. but it wasn't till later that i realized...we're freakishly similar. and then he starts dating me after they have "broken up."

ha, i'm a replacement. sucks for him, i can't quite live up to that.

you understand melissa?
i just can't do it anymore.

i'm gonna go get some cream...for my eye.

prom is going to suck...

yeah, i've done that "i've already made up my mind about it so there" thing again. i still have like a week to go and it's already sucking. i hate these type of dances, because everytime my parents always go on and on about how horrible i look and all that great jazz. but this time it's prom...so they have to start a freakin' week early. and besides that they keep mentioning how they think my date won't even show up. i don't really think he will either, hey, but i don't blame him. yeah, but this is just a random entry, about how prom is gonna suck. that's all.