I feel like a tag along....

I didn't mind the group as a whole but it just wasn't the same as just katie and I. I love her to bits and pieces but I just felt out of place. Not to mention the fact the when I got out of the car Ryan said ' thanks for coming.' I am the one who fucking wanted to go in the first place and I get a 'thanks for coming'???? I am not trying to be selfish and keep Katie to myself nor am I trying to arise conflict but the fact is that yes we have not been spending as much time as we used to and its a bit of a change on my part. But the fact is that when I actually do want to spend time with her, Ryan is always there. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy having Ryan around very much but he is always there. I think I have finally gotten to the point were I have had enough of him for a while. I hear about him everyday from katie and I just need a break from him and I am not even his fucking girlfriend!!!

Hows that for irony!!!!

The sky is beautiful tonight. Just take a look. I wanted to reach out and touch them but realized that they were too far away.

Everything is always too far away

Typical....
I am exhausted but I cannot sleep.
I am not hungry yet I still eat.
I pray but don't know what I am praying for.
I am in love but I don't know who I am in love with.
I am tempted but of what?
I am talkitive yet keep all secrets.
I am in pain but show no weakness.
I am starving but do not eat.
I am crazy yet completely sane.
I am sick but appear fine.
I am heartbroken but it seems mended.
I am forgotten yet still remembered.
I am foolish yet wise.
I am wishful but nothing comes true.
I am thoughtful and wonder why.
I am forgetful but remember everything.
I am dying and nobody knows.

From the inside out I deteriorate everyday, little by little. Nobody notices because it is hidden so well. I want somebody to look at me and know. To be loved without the drama.

Help

I wonder....
I LOVE MOUNTAIN DEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont understand how anybody can starve themselves to loose weight. I wonder if something allows them to turn their head when they smell the good stuff or even see it. Damned if I know. I tried it and it doesn't work.

Still haven't broke a bone....
I nearly broke my arm last night at HH by slipping on anchovie oil. How that managed to find its way on the floor is beyond me but I didn't realize I was falling until I saw the cabinets of makeline. Typically everybody was laughing until I didn't get up and I kept yelling 'that fucking hurt' and 'ouch' really loud. Andrew then made an ice pack out of snow and made sure I didn't break anything. Now I have this humungo bruise on my arm and that whole side of my body is sore. But thats what I get for wanting to make and XXXX- junior. pizza.

Stuck in my head....
Psychic spies from China
Try to steal your mind elation
Little girls from Sweden
Dream of silver screen quotations
And if you want these kind of dreams
Its Californication

It’s the edge of the world
And all of western civilization
The sun may rise in the east
At least it settles in a final location
It’s understood that Hollywood
Sells Californication

Pay your surgeon very well
To break the spell of aging
Celebrity skin is this your chin
Or is it war your waging

First born unicorn
Hard core soft porn
Dream of Californication
Dream of Cailfornication

Marry me girl be the fairy to my world
Be my very won constellation
A teenage bride with a baby inside
Getting high on information
And but me a star on the boulevard
It’s Californication

Space may be the final frontier
But it’s made in a Hollywood basement
Cobain can you hear the spheres
Singing songs off station to station
And Alderon’s not far away
It’s Californication

Born and raised by those who praise
Control of population everybody’s been there and
I don’t mean on vacation

First born unicorn
Hard core soft porn
Dream of Californication
Dream of Cailfornication

Destruction leads to a very rough road
But it also breeds creation
And earthquakes are to a girl’s guitar
They are just another good vibration
And tidal waves couldn’t save the world
From Califonication

Pay your sugeon very well
To break the signs of aging
Sicker then the rest
There is no test
But this is what you’re craving

First born unicorn
Hard core soft porn
Dream of Californication
Dream of Cailfornication

I don't know what the song means but it is stuck in my head and for some reason it is a 'feel good' song to me.

Lately I have had sudden fascination with squirrels. I dont know why but they seem to intrigue me none the less. Speaking of exotic animals, I have two lambs camping out in the kitchen who are frolicing everywhere. I really have nothing else to say,


Except that I am still wondering........