Apathy is a terrible thing to endure....

You know what? Fuck everything cause everything is so fucking fucked up right now that the world is spinning. I have had enough of the emotion that floats around and the feeling of being wanted and the fights that occur over the stupidest shit imaginable. I have had it with the bullshit of self concededness and the fact of no knowing what to do. I hate that fact I just dumped a whole fucking paycheck on my horse, who dont get me wrong I love very much, because he got kicked in the face by one of the other ones. I am sick of wondering and hoping about what might happen. I am so fucking screwed up right now that it seems like the first person to wrap their arms around me would mean the world. I feel like crawling in a hole and curling up and never coming out because it doesnt matter what i do it is never good enough in anybodys eyes. Fuck this and fuck evrything else.

If he only knew....

I wish he knew. But may never. I wish I knew what he thought of me but the same feeling comes back. I hate wishing on a dream. I hate having an empty feeling that cannot seem to be filled. I know why its there but the damn puzzle is missing its piece. Will he fill it? Can he fill it? I dont know but its worth a try. I just hope that what ever hapens it happens soon. But hope is a word that I feel fade away more and more each day. I hate slipping in to the feeling of depression because my life falls apart faster than I can put it back together. But nobody is there when I need them most. Not even my best friends. They seem to be distant and apathetic, even if they dont relize it, and thats why I hurt so much. Thats why I dont feel whole but then there is the other piece that vanished long ago and even he doesnt know that he took that from me. I cant trust anyone anymore, not even myself. Thats why I wish he knew so he could ponder the situation in his own head but on the same level I want to keep the truth from him cause I dont want him to ever know what floats around inside mine. What is there left to do when there is nothing to do? I am lost and I cant find my way back....

If Not Today Then Maybe Tommorow....

Sleep is but a word to me now. I worked, by accident, a hour and a half longer than I was supposed to and then had tons of homework on top of that. It is simply stunning that everything seems to pile on so quickly at one time. But what pisses me off even more is that i have had a wonderful day. Not a care in the world. Then out of nowhere he NEEDS to talk to me. Like it is a vital part of his daily exsistence. I mean come on, he hasn't uttered a single sound in over a month and now he wants to chat. To sum it up he wants to be friends and he NOW understands why we broke up. It took him that fucking long to figure it out even after I spelled it out for him. I know he is still emotionally attached and that it will be hard to let go but he needs to fucking grow up and realize that life is full of heartaches and this is only round 1. Not only does he finally figure everything out but he also has to drag Michelle in to this for the second time. For crying out loud the girl has been through enough without having to listen to him bitch about why I don't like him anymore. To furthermore sum up my day, I have discovered that there are goats camping out in the kitchen. The world I live in is sometimes stranger, yet still thrilling, even after I have escaped it. There is no running away.

I never learn...

The saying 'people always learn from their mistakes' is not the most truthful statement that was projected upon the human race. Instead I have found that many people make the same mistakes because they feel that it is better than what they would have to face if they were to correct the problem. Such that has happened once again to me. I fall and can't seem to get back on my feet. For a while now I have slowly pulled myself back together in reference to relationships. I see so many people around me happy with the 'perfect' guy and such but really what is the perfect guy?. Is he the hottest one in the relative area that you live your life or is he the one who can make you smile on a cloudy day when your life has gone to hell?. I tried to find that happiness but it didn't seem to come easily. I tried to forget but it still hurts to remember. I find myself still straying back to the same guys that dropped me before. even now I still find myself wondering 'what if' but I can't change the past and I wish I could.

I feel left in the dark....
I have never been the one of biggest attraction to anyones eye and I have never considered the possibility of ever having a life that was full of such nonsense. But recently I have let my heart yet again fall for something that is truely out of my reach. For now I ponder the many questions in my head of whether it is possible or if there is even the slightest chance that a sprak could fly or that something more can be seen other than what I have presented myself as. I run. So what!! Who cares?! I run to prove a point. To prove that anybody can become a somebody just by haveing someone doubt them. But as a big disappointment, I also doubt myself. I just wish that for once I can be with somebody who I can actually talk to. Who will be a best friend but turn around and be the perfect guy even if to rest of the world thinks he is but a simple human who has no significance. Every night I pray to God that everything will turn out alright. Even if it seems like it never will be.

What is a person to do when there is nothing left to do?
I have tried to make the best of life by simply letting all problems roll off my back and letting go but lately that has been one of the toughest things that I have had to do. I tried to let go of the feeling of being wanted and the heartache that went along with that. I have tried to understand everything and force myself to believe that everything happens for a reason but if that is the case then what is the answer to everything that has happened? Is it just coincidence that I fell in love and then was dropped on my ass because I wasn't good enough or is it the fact that I simply am worhless to other people? What ever the reason maybe , I am not looking forward to the true outcome of things because it looks very grim. My heart is almost like being trapped behind iron bars and locked there witout any hope that it maybe free. Why did this have to happen again and why did it have to happen to me. Love has now become a word that is being thrown around loosely and nobody gives a damn what it means. I was in love once, despite who may have been. It just feels terrible when you can't let go and you want to so much. Sometimes its hard to even breathe but somehow I make it through with yet another day ahead of me.